a/n: This is my first Twilight fic. I didn't really want to do one in the time when Edward had left, but I was listening to music, and a song came on that hit me, and really made me think of something Charlie had said in New Moon to Alice when he was talking about what happened when they all left. Enjoy, and make sure to hit that little review button at the bottom when your done. Any kind of constructive criticism is welcome!
Disclaimer: I do not own anything twilight, or anything involving it. That is the honor of Stephanie Meyers… but how cool would it be if it were mine!?
Everyday I sit here
waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of
all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll
all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And now I just try to
find some hope
To try and hold onto
But it starts again
It'll
never end
I just wanted the pain to stop. I just wanted to feel whole again, but how was that possible when the most important piece of me, the most vital of all, was gone? How could I continue living when the person who had my heart, the person who didn't want it, was holding it hostage?
I pulled my knees to my chest and rolled over onto my other side on the bead, and came face to face with one of the speakers to my stereo. I cringed at the sight of it, my heart, if possible, splintered and split into more pieces. I could feel tears leaking from the corners of my eyes. Whether it was from the effort of keeping myself together, or from the memories that flooded when my mind when I spotted it, I wasn't sure.
I'm heavily
broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm
choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to
say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I
can do
The lullaby drifted from between my quivering lips before I could stop myself. The melody drifting around my head, making it swim. I was crying hard now, sobs slipping from my mouth, marring the perfect sound of the song.
I wish he had left the CD. I wish he had left some part of himself, no matter how small or insignificant. I turned my head so that it was pushed into the pillow, and I breathed deeply, trying to calm myself, but when I found was him, his smell swam around my head, making me dizzy, yet slightly euphoric.
Was I really allowed to
have this? Could I really smell him when I wanted to? I felt the
corner of my mouth turn up in a slight smile when I breathed him in
again. I loved the way he smelled. I couldn't place what it was,
just that there was nothing in the world like it, nothing that could
ever compare to it. Almost giving up on trying
Almost
heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta
keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end
I looked back at the CD player after several more long breaths of the pillow's fragrance, a sudden anger flooding my veins. Why did he do this to me? Why did he have to take everything, but leave something so simple, so random, something that could cause more pain than anything else in the world could. I popped the top of my CD player open, still seeing the empty spot that should have held Edward's lullaby, his compositions.
I grabbed one of my other CDs, shoving it in the player roughly, a sob escaping my lips once again. The first song started and I had to clutch at my stomach again to stop from being ripped wide open, torn apart from the inside out.
Debussy, Clair de Lune.
Someone really did hate me. I took the CD out, staring at it, but not seeing the familiar cover art. I started at it as tears welled in my eyes and blurred my vision. My fingers gripped the plastic of the disk in a white knuckled grip, my heart racing.
I'm heavily
broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm
choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to
say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing
I can do
And there's nothing I can do
I pushed my hands
together, pushing against the sharp edge of the disk, feeling it cut
into my palms. I bent the tough plastic until it could bear no more,
snapping, sending a piece tinkling to the floor, another ricocheting
across the room, landing on the windowsill. I stared at the two
halves in my hands, a sick sense of satisfaction seeping into my
body. I grabbed another jewel case and tore the CD out, not even
caring what it was, just knowing I had to destroy it. I snapped it in
half quicker than the first, ignoring the sharp protest in my palms,
the slick of deep crimson blood left behind on the disk. Feels
like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
(Screaming for
air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care
All of them. I had to destroy all of them. None were allowed to survive. I tore at the cases in the shelf, knocking some to the floor. With every sickening snap of one of the disks, the more my heart seemed to heal, the whole in my chest seem smaller. I fell to the floor, my knees weak from holding myself up for so long. I picked up a disk from the floor, tearing it open and snapping the disk before I could even glance at what was on it. I moved my knee and felt a case and disk snap sickeningly under it, and I sobbed a broken sob at the sound, but feeling so much better.
I just wanted the pain
to stop. I wanted to feel like I was really worth something, like
someone really wanted me. Why did he build me up to love him so much
when he knew he was going to leave soon? Why did he have to come into
my life and ruin it with his perfection, his touches, his kissed, his
love? No, he didn't love me, he didn't want me, he doesn't
want me. I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to
do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
(What
can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm
heavily broken
They were gone, all of them. Every singly disk snapped and broken, laying in a shimmering layer over my floor. I realized, with an ache in my heart and a lump in my throat, that the way they shimmered in the light of the rising sun reminded me of the way Edward's skin sparkled in the sunlight, casting rainbows on the walls of my room. I grabbed at the broken shards, tears blurring my vision as a half growl half sob escaped from my mouth.
When would this stop
hurting so much? Would I ever be able to move on from him, live my
life without feeling as if he's going to come back to me, like he's
going to appear behind me and tell me he was sorry, he was mistaken,
tell me he loves me. The hole in my chest grew another size
and I wrapped my arms around me again, trying to hold myself together
despite how much I just wanted to let go. I'm heavily
broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm
choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to
say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
I'm heavily broken
I'm heavily broken
I lay in bed after all the fragment were cleaned. When every last shard of CD was cleaned off the floor, off my bed, off the desk, off the shelves. I slipped between the covers of the bed, a broken sigh escaping my lips, tears still streaming down my eyes.
I wondered briefly how I could still be crying. How could I have not used everything up? How could I still have fluids left to cry? I felt empty, doesn't that mean I am?
I stared at the window, my eyes trained on the light seeping in through the crack in the curtains. I smiled, and pushed my face into the pillow, breathing Edward in, thanking whoever was up there that he was in a rush, he had let something slip. I looked back at the window, and saw it, right before my eyes closed.
That one single, solitary piece of CD left on the windowsill. I stared at it, trying to blink through the tears to see what the word on it was. I narrowed my eyes, and right before I slipped into unconsciousness I saw the word, my heart swelling with elation.
Hope