Gull Cottage

A prickle at the base of Daniel's awareness had the ghost clutching his spoon, tightly and wishing that he could doff his Captain O'Casey disguise. Something was wrong, he just knew it. Before he could give in to the instinct to shout a warning, Martha had opened the door.

"We aren't buying any cookies, candles, or insurance-" she began without preamble.

"Good, I am not selling," the blonde man smirked. "I've come for the dog."

Frowning, Martha stared at him. "What's Scruffy done? If you intend to play The Wizard of OZ and Miss Gulch and try and have our dog destroyed, I'm warning you, I bite worse than he can ever hope to."

"See? I'm not the only one who likes that movie," a heretofore unnoticed tall man chirped from behind the first one.

In the dining room, Max and 99 exchanged glances. "That sounds like-" 99 began.

"Siegfried and Starker; No one else could sound so – cheesy," Max agreed.

"What should we do, Max?"

"Try to distract everyone while I get my shoe off and call for backup."

"The Chief is hours away!"

Back at the door, Siegfried was fuming. "SHUT UP, STARKER! I assure you both; my bite is worse than anyone's, human or canine!" On that note, he pulled out a gun. "Won't you invite us in?"

"Great! First we get a would-be Bogie, now we have Colonel Klink," Martha muttered.

"What was that?" Siegfried demanded as he marched the housekeeper back to where the family was still seated.

"Nothing."

"Good, keep it that way. Now, if you will just cooperate and hand over the dog and the blue box, my associate and I will be – AH HA, I knew there was something going on here!" Upon seeing the Smarts, Siegfried stopped his instructions to sneer at his nemesis. "Secret Agent Maxwell Schmart; we meet again."

"SECRET AGENT?" Daniel and Carolyn stuttered together.

"Long time no see, Siegfried. I warn you, whatever you are planning on doing, I will stop you, because I am on the side of good and you are on the nasty side and right always comes out – right."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we have had this conversation before," Siegfried yawned. "Now, where was I? Ah, yes, the dog and the box, you will give them to me now." Suddenly as his gaze swept the room, he frowned. "Children?" He muttered an unintelligible foreign word. "You two; go to your room and stay out of the way." Spying Scruffy taking a semi-stance beside Candy as he growled in a low tone, Siegfried added, "Take your mutt, too."

"Thank you," Carolyn breathed, and Captain Gregg also nodded.

"You are welcome," the enemy nodded tersely. "We are KAOS; we do not threaten children and little fuzzy things." Half-glancing back at his associate, Siegfried barked, "Starker, take the children and the creature upstairs and lock them into their room out of my way."

"Yes, Sir."

Siegfried's henchman's glance went from one child to the other. "Sorry, mien kinder, it is nothing personal."

"What about dessert?" Jonathan began to complain, but Candy elbowed him in the ribs.

"Not now," she whispered. "We can eat the cookies you stashed up there yesterday."

"Martha's cookies are better than Fig Newtons, though."

"You didn't stash Fig Newtons, you stashed her good ones."

"Actually I stashed both!" Jonathan whispered.

Starker leaned in toward the children as they climbed the stairs. "I want some cookies, too."

"I won't tell you where they are," Jonathan retorted. "You're a bad guy."

"Not really, it's just my job," he hissed back.

"Yeah, right," the boy sneered. "That's what you get."

"We ate all of the clam chowder, too," Candy added, for good measure.

"So? I don't like fish."

"Clams aren't fishy, they're yummy. And YOU don't get any!"

"I will if I want them. I'm with KAOS, no one says no to us. And you will give me cookies."

"I said you CAN'T have any clam chowder. We ate it all," Candy stamped her foot as they reached the nursery. "And even bad guys don't steal from kids."

"You won't get to Heaven if you keep it up," Jonathan said. "But if you ask NICELY we may give you some of the Fig Newtons."

"I can't ask nice, it's against the rules."

"Whose rules? Mr. Siegfried's?"

"KAOS rules. If I tried to be nice, they'd dock my pay and Herr Siegfried would slap me, again."

"You let him slap you?" Candy fell back on the bed, astonished. "Mom has NEVER slapped us! I don't think she has ever slapped ANYone!"

"She's your mama. She's allowed to be nice," their captor shrugged. "Move it."

"Why do you want to take Scruffy?" Candy asked. "He's a great dog, yeah, but he's not real valuable."

"And where do you want us to move to?" Jonathan asked, puzzled. "I thought you just wanted to lock us in our room? We're here," he added, looking around. "Mom said I get my own room in a coupla months, before school starts up this fall."

"I meant – each of you, sit on your bed. Ach. I forgot to ask if I should tie you up, and I don't have any rope. Hmm. Will you be quiet and pretend I did?"

"Yes," The children nodded their heads vigorously.

"You still haven't told us why you want Scruffy," Candy added. "Your boss said he doesn't hurt fuzzy things, but Scruffy is the fuzziest thing around here, and he's here with us," she added, petting the terrier who gave off a little growl as he hopped up on the girl's bed.

"Not him. We want the metal one that shoots things."

"You mean K-9? You saw him?" Jonathan's eyes grew big.

"He's nowhere around here," Candy added, truthfully.

"We'll see what my boss says about that," Starker frowned. "You or the Smarts either know where he is or know how we can find him. Now I am going to lock you in your room and go downstairs. Promise you won't go calling the police?"

"How? We don't have our own phone," Jonathan asked. "Danny Shoemaker does, but we don't."

"Well, okay. Now you two stay in here, and you be quiet. Promise that, too,"

"Okay."

The minute the man left the room the two children looked at each other.

"We gotta think of sumthin'" Candy said immediately. "I wish we could call the Doctor and Romana somehow."

"But we promised Mister Starker-"

"We promised we wouldn't call the police and to be quiet," the girl answered. "I'm talking about the Doctor."

"But how?" her brother demanded as loudly as he dared.

"I don't know-" the girls face crumpled. "But something has to happen."

"Could we climb out the window?"

"Down the drainpipe? Mom'd kill us!"

"Do you think that Siegfried would kill her?" Jonathan gulped fearfully.

Biting her lip, Candy turned ashen. "Captain Gregg won't let him."

"But - he's a ghost, Candy - bullets and knives-"

"-Go through him, I know. But the clam chowder didn't. Besides, he'll stop them before they shoot anyone."

"I hope so," Jonathan went on, glumly. "Say - maybe we can use our big flashlights that we got last Christmas and signal out the window? People at a distance could see us - but the bad guys can't from the porch."

"It's too light out."

"They could see something flashing if we use a code - like SOS - even if it doesn't shine all the way across the sky."

"Who would be close enough to see?"

"Nobody," Jonathan sighed. "So one of us still has to get out the window and try to get to town for some help."

"Then, I'll do it," the girl answered.

"Heck no! We both go! Just like we did when we had to free Algae."

"Maybe we wait for just a little?" Candy suggested. "We will, I promise, but I still think maybe Captain Gregg will do something. This is his ship, and he will figure out some way to get rid of the pirates."

"But everyone will know he's a ghost then!"

"Not if he does it right. I just know he won't let those guys hurt us. And don't forget - Mr. and Mrs. Smart are down there, too, and Mister Siegfried said they were secret agents, so maybe they can do something."

"Maybe Mrs. Smart, but I dunno about Mr. Smart," Jonathan said doubtfully.

"Maybe he just pretends to be dumb, you know, like Clark Kent acts all klutzy, but he's really Superman?" Candy suggested hopefully. "You can't be a secret agent if you are really dumb. And, you know, the Doctor seemed kind of - well, weird, but you can tell he's cool and knows a lot. I think if he was rich he might be what they call eccentric. When you're not, you're just strange."

"Maybe," Jonathan was dubious.

"We have to hope," Candy stated firmly. "It's all we can do."

That was not much comfort.

XXX

"Now, if you will just hand over the dog and the blue box, my associate and I will be on our way and you can go back to eating blueberries and cookies," Siegfried promised. "Of course, if you invented these miracles, the dog and the box, not the cookies, KAOS is always looking for talent, and we have very good benefits. I have the authority to offer you positions in our world domination research and development department. I would advise that you take it."

"Didn't the Godfather - or Mario Puzo call something like this an offer you can't refuse?" Martha asked.

"That Mafia book stole all our best lines," Siegfried sniffed.

"I just don't understand," Carolyn sounded bewildered. "You sent our dog upstairs, and why would you want him? He's just an ordinary dog; he doesn't shoot things. And blue box?"

"That last doll your mother-in-law sent Candy was in a blue box, and I still have it; those dolls are more valuable if they have the box, but surely it's not worth enough money to break in over!" Martha exclaimed.

"Dolls? Puppies? We are talking KAOS and ruling the world, not nursery school!" Siegfried sputtered.

"Is there any chance you have the wrong house?" Max asked. "99 and I are just here on a - nice vacation. You can't just assume everywhere we go there's some big agenda going on."

For a moment, it almost seemed like he had made a logical ruse that would trick Siegfried, but then the other man shook his head. "Ah, no, Smart, you can't fool me like that. I know you would not be here unless something was up. Besides, I saw the little dog with the lasers and the blue box that could hold many people but just take up the space of a phone booth. And I want them, NOW."

"We nothing of what you are speaking of," Daniel said, doing his best to rein in his temper, for Carolyn, Martha and the children's sake. "So why don't you just leave, and we'll let it go at that?"

"KAOS does not make mistakes! Now - someone is missing – Aha - where is the blonde and the buffoon?"

"Carolyn is right here, and Claymore Gregg is in town - What does HE have to do with this?"

With a smug look, Siegfried replied, "Danke. Now we know his name, but you have the wrong blonde. This is not the one."

"Carolyn Muir is the only blonde woman I know - well, there is Mrs. Coburn, but her hair comes from a beauty shop. And if Claymore is not the buffoon you are referring to, I have no blasted idea what you are talking about."

"Siegfried-" 99 cut in, "These people know nothing."

"You saying that tells me that they DO know something, they know everything, in fact, otherwise you would not be trying to cover for them."

"You've been with KAOS too long, Sig," Max sighed. "You aren't making sense. Would you believe I have checked them out from top to bottom and found nothing, mysterious at all?"

"You are the last one to talk about not making sense, Smart, and of course. If you were an effective agent, KAOS would have hired you ages ago. Where you failed, I succeeded."

"Hey! I am too effective! That was below the belt! 99, tell him that's not true."

"It's not true!" she answered immediately.

"You have to say that, you are his wife and he ordered you to as a superiorly ranked agent. It does not count."

"Max never orders me to do anything!"

Leaning over, Martha hissed, "Think we can do something while they bicker?" to the Captain.

"There has to be something," he whispered back. "What I wouldn't give for my sword and belaying pin! But I don't know what I can do without revealing who - and what I am!"

"Well, if you do, just do some of your voodoo and make them think they were hallucinating!"

"Both of them?" Carolyn interjected quietly, "Maybe those - KAOS people, but what about Max and Susan - ah 99?"

"You, there!" Siegfried shouted, seeing the three talking, "You! Goldilocks! Move away from your boyfriend! I believe I will just have to MAKE you talk!" So saying, he grabbed her roughly by the arm. Red clouded Daniel's gaze and thunder crackled.

"Siegfried!" 99 yelled, "Leave her alone! She's a civilian!"

"Right," Max said, camel-kicking Starker, standing behind him, "You-" He broke off at the sight in front of him, for "Daniel O'Casey" was no more - suddenly there was no trace of the amiable man they had had dinner with, but a bearded, very large, very imposing, very ANGRY figure.

"NO ONE THREATENS MY LADY!" Daniel roared as a sword appeared in his hand.

"Who – What - Who?" Siegfried stuttered and loosened his grip on Carolyn. Reflexively, Daniel reached for her hand and pulled her away from the KAOS agent.

XXX

Upstairs, the two children could not help but hear the raised voices.

"We've GOT TO do something," Candy insisted, carefully stomping one foot so as to not make noise.

"HOW? We're locked in," Jonathan argued. "I mean, yeah, we do, but we can't, so what do we do?"

"Maybe we can pick the lock? It looks easy on TV." She sighed. "I wish I had enough hair to have hair pins."

"And I don't have a lock picker," Jonathan scowled. "We could try my knife?"

"Credit card would be better," Candy added, and then suddenly, she snapped her fingers. "When Martha locked the keys in the car, she was able to use an unbent coat hanger to get in, she said. I wasn't with her, but I remember hearing her tell Mr. Peavey about it when he was over for cherry pie a few weeks ago."

"How'd she do it?"

"I dunno, but a lock's a lock, unless it's a combination lock."

They had just straightened out a thin hanger when a sudden breeze and the sound of an asthmatic engine filled the room.

Seconds later, the TARDIS appeared between their beds and the shelves and the Doctor with Romana and K-9 in tow stepped out.

"By George, I believe we got it right," the strange man grinned. Spying the children's stalled and fruitless efforts, his cheery grin turned to a frown. "Oh dear, I suppose you did get into terrible trouble for losing your schoolbook after all. It hardly seems a confining to quarters worthy offense, really."

"Doctor! Miss Romana! Boy, are we glad to see you!" Jonathan exclaimed.

"Yeah, there's bad guys downstairs holding Mom and everyone hostage," Candy chimed in. "They locked us up here and they want K-9 and the TARDIS."

"But, Mom and Captain Gregg don't know anything about them and I don't think the Smarts do either, so they're really mad," Jonathan added. "I mean, the bad guys are mad."

"And, we're just scared," Candy gulped. "Please, help us. It's getting loud down there and I'm - they just can't hurt Mom and Martha." Now was one of the rare times that Candy was on the verge of tears.

Discomforted by this, the Doctor cleared his throat. "It seems we arrived just in time, then. What poppycock. A mere human can't pilot the TARDIS and K-9 is my dog. I might share my jelly-babies, but not my dog."

"Standing here talking about it is not doing anything useful," Romana pointed out. "I suggest we go downstairs."

"Right, now, to get out of this room is the first step," the Doctor agreed. From one of his cavernous pockets, he pulled a slim device. "Sonic screwdriver," he informed the children in response to their curious looks. "As long as this is not a dead-lock seal, we can - aha, its not - get out." While he had been speaking, he aimed the gizmo at the door so that a light beam struck the lock. "You two best stay put. Let the Time Lords handle this. Coming, Romana? K-9, stay. If I need you, I'll whistle."

"We wanna come!" Candy protested.

"Yeah, we can help!" Jonathan went on. "It's just locks we aren't good at."

"Oh, I've no doubt you are quite capable children, but being where there are mean people, especially if they are armed, which I assume your bad guys are, is not where young people such as yourselves belong. Besides, someone needs to watch K-9, since he's in such a high demand."

"Master Doctor is correct," K-9 blinked. "And this unit does not like stairs."

"Don't worry," Romana assured the kids. "The Doctor always has a plan, and they come out right, most of the time, at least when it pertains to villains. Travel plans are another story."

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "One or two little mistakes-" he muttered.

"-Per day."

The Time Lord raised an eyebrow. "Don't you think we should get downstairs?"

"And do what, exactly?"

"Save the day."

"How?"

"No idea. I'm working it out as I go along - just like I usually do."

The Time Lady was unable to prevent herself from rolling her eyes. "Of course, why would this be any different? "At least it's not Daleks, this time."

"Dalek?" Jonathan repeated the word. "That sounds German. Mister Siegfried and Starker are German, I think."

"They can explain later, after they rescue Mom," Candy cut in firmly.

"Right, Brigadier!" The Doctor gave the children a toothy grin and headed toward the stairs.

"What's a Brigadier?" Jonathan frowned.

"Something military, I think. The old sheepdog in The One-Hundred and One Dalmatians mentioned the word and he was always talking army stuff."

With a whirring sound, K-9 reported, "Brigadier is a rank of General in the Armed Forces on Earth." There was a pause. "Data indicates that the species known as sheepdog does not have the capability to speak on this planet, though they do have noses. Data further indicates that in Doctor Master's lexicon, the term Brigadier refers to one Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart, a former companion of Doctor Master's."

"So, it was a compliment?" Candy asked uncertainly.

"Affirmative."

"Thanks, then," Candy answered. The children stood there and stared at the closed door for at least ten seconds before a glint came to Jonathan's eye.

"Candy," He poked his sister on the arm. "Let's go watch!"

"Who do what?" Candy's eyebrows went up an inch. "The Doctor said-"

"He said we couldn't help, not that we couldn't watch! We could - and be really quiet, like when we watched Tim Seagirt sing that one time. Nobody caught us then. They wouldn't have known at all if Mom hadn't tricked us into singing his song the next day."

"I think she knew, or she wouldn't have tried to trick us. She just knew for sure after that."

"So you won't go with me?"

"I think I better; just to keep you out of trouble."

"Uh, yeah, sure."

XXX

"Who – What - Who?" Siegfried stuttered and loosened his grip on Carolyn. Reflexively, Daniel reached for her hand and pulled her away from the KAOS agent. Confused, Siegfried fired wildly, but only succeeded in shattering a window.

"Claymore will not be happy," Martha observed.

"Here, here!" came a voice from the doorway, "I read somewhere firearms weren't allowed within the city limits of Schooner Bay without special license?"

"They have rules like that in this berg?" Max asked.

"The buffoon!" Starker exclaimed, "Coming in here with no weapon! But from upstairs?"

"Ach, Mr. Claymore Gregg, how good to meet you at last," Siegfried said in an oily tone. "Won't you join the party?"

"Who's Claymore?" Ramona spoke up.

"From what I understand, he is the only one around here foolish enough to walk into someone holding a gun!" Siegfried answered, contemptuously.

"Since I am never ever foolish," the Doctor replied, "That lets me out. Besides, I just used my screwdriver to warp your firing chamber so it will not be able to go destroying more private property, much less hurting any people."

"You-" Quickly, Siegfried tried to fire the weapon and discovered the strange fellow was right. Retaliating, he threw the gun straight at Daniel Gregg's head.

Reflex made the ghost phase his skull into intangibility for the split second it took for the weapon to sail through. Realizing a moment too late what he'd done, Daniel quickly pretended to have ducked, and hoped everyone outside the family was fooled. But he wondered who these two strangers were and how they had boarded without him knowing.

Starker began sputtering, "It – it – it - his head - right through - what happened?"

"Shut up, imbecile!" Siegfried snapped; pausing in his tirade to slap the underling.

While the KAOS agent was distracted, Max finally managed to free his hidden gun and pull it on his rivals. "Hold it, you two. And, please, don't monkey with my gun. I'm on the side of niceness."

"Wielding a gun hardly credits that statement," Romana sniffed.

"Oh, I don't know; Alistair was always wanting to fire five rounds rapid into something or other, and Duggan was quite fond of firearms and I rather liked the chap," the Doctor protested. "He was a touch too violent, but considering he usually was slugging the enemy, I suppose allowances must be made."

"True," she nodded after some thought. "Very well, you may keep your gun and have it function. Doctor, you don't need to alter his weapon."

"Thank you for your permission," he noted ironically.

In the abrupt quiet, Martha rushed over to Mrs. Muir. "You're all right, aren't you? The Captain saved you, AGAIN." She hugged her employer, then without thinking, wrapped her arms around the ghost. Then, she realized what she had done and only then did the pair begin to realize that Captain Gregg still had a tight grip on Carolyn's hand.

"I - don't understand ANY of this nonsense! Siegfried stuttered. "You - Mr. O'Casey - what happened to your face? For a few seconds-"

"He must be an agent, like Maxwell Smart!" Starker pronounced.

"Not a thing," Daniel bluffed.

"But your face - for a moment you were someone entirely different! I saw it! So did Starker!" He glanced around the room. "No, I am not a lunatic! You all saw it, too!"

"I didn't see anything," 99 said, but Carolyn could see a flicker of knowledge in her eyes.

"I've never heard a more ridiculous notion," Martha huffed.

"The better question is, who are YOU two, and how did you get upstairs?" Carolyn asked, turning to the Doctor and Romana. "Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for your help, but well, it is a bit disconcerting."

"Oh, we met your children this afternoon on the beach," the Doctor shrugged. "They played with my dog for a while. He's upstairs, by the way, and - how does one usually get upstairs? We went up there. Candy and Jonathan said you all were in trouble."

"We thought we would help," Romana added.

"What did you climb up, the Monkey-Puzzle tree?" Daniel blinked.

"Now, that might be one way to get into the room-" the doctor hedged. "-Drain pipe might be another though. More the point being we got here in time to help you out, right?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"We need to call the Chief and get these two out of here as soon as possible," Max cut in, "Without the whole town knowing about this."

"Ha. I cut the phone lines," Siegfried crowed. Carolyn almost expected him to stick out his tongue.

"Er, Mein Herr, I was supposed to do that, but I couldn't figure out which were the phone lines and which were the power ones," Starker gulped.

"Besides, I DO have MY phone," Max reminded him.

"Ach! That infernal shoe phone of yours!" Siegfried moaned.

"Shoe phone? I say, do they come in size thirteen?" the Doctor asked, clearly intrigued by the notion.

"Uhm - I don't know," the agent answered. "I wear a nine. I suppose so - they are standard issue for all male control agents."

"And why don't the women get any?" Romana demanded.

"They don't work with high heels too well."

"Far be it from me to interrupt this ever so interesting conversation," Daniel said, putting an arm around Carolyn's waist. "But I want these two out of here as much as I am sure Carolyn does. Shouldn't we call Norrie Coolidge? He's the Constable around here."

"That won't be necessary," A voice came from the doorway.

As they all turned to see who had come in NOW, Martha hissed, "I like it better when our security system is in place," so that only the Captain and Carolyn could hear.

Carolyn stifled a hysterical giggle. "I thought the door was locked-"

The Smarts turned toward the doorway for a fraction of a second. "Chief!" they exclaimed.

"Would someone care to make introductions?" Romana asked very properly.

The Chief strode into the living room, followed by Larrabee. Both were carrying guns. "I got worried about you two and decided to come here myself. Mrs. Larrabee is looking out for the twins. Siegfried! Starker! Might have known you were behind all this! Good work, Max and 99!"

"Thank you, Sir," Max beamed.

"Us? We've done nothing!" Siegfried protested, "Why don't you talk to the fellow with the curls? He has a robot dog! And he melted our guns with his ball point pen!"

"Pleading insanity isn't an option, Siegfried." The Chief shook his head.

"Ball point pen? How utterly ridiculous," the Doctor fumed. "Does my screwdriver LOOK like a lowly Bic, Romana?"

"Doctor, let it be."

"But he - well, I suppose so."

"Max, 99, we need to get Siegfried and Starker safely to jail," the Chief went on. "I leave you to wrap things up here, but don't take too long. I expect you back in Washington by tomorrow."

"Tomorrow!" Max started to protest. "But, Chief; 99 and I are on our second honeymoon!"

The Chief pinched the bridge of his nose and looked pained. "That was just a cover, Max!"

"He looks like YOU, Captain," Martha whispered. "You do that all the time!"

"Only around Claymore, and I am much more handsome."

"Now THAT was un-called for," the Chief snapped. "And just who are you, sir?"

"Captain Daniel G - O'Casey. A friend of Mrs. - Carolyn's. I was here for supper this evening when these brutes broke in."

"Vell, I don't have to stay here and be insulted," Siegfried snorted. "Larrabee, take us avay! But be warned, Smart! I will be back!"

"If it's back here, I'm whacking you with my cast iron skillet," Martha promised.

"Nein, Madame," the man shook his head. "I wish to forget everything that has happened tonight! This place is a - a Spook House! That's what it is!"

"I'm open to doing the whacking here and now if you keep on spouting nonsense."

"And really, my dear fellow, I don't think an insanity plea will work either," the Doctor said, mildly.

"Come on, Siegfried," The Chief poked him with his gun. In moments, The Chief, Larrabee, Siegfried and Starker were out the door and away.

"I want some explanations, AFTER I make sure Candy and Jonathan are all right," Carolyn announced firmly.

"We're fine, Mom!" Two voices came from the stairs.

"You were cool, Captain Gregg!" Candy added.

"The MOST!" Jonathan beamed up at his hero in disguise. "You too, Doctor and Miss Romana!"

"I don't know whether to hug you two, or ground you for being so close to danger, or both!" their mother sighed.

"We did exactly what you said!" Jonathan protested. "And what the Doctor said, too. We didn't try to help-"

"-Just watched the fun," Candy added.

"But, look at the window-" Carolyn began.

"We didn't do it, Mom. Honest, not this time," Candy protested.

"No, but a bullet did, and I don't think that nutty crook was shooting at that! He could have shot you two by accident, and I don't care if KAOS is not into "hurting children and or fuzzy things," people do get hurt that are not meant to be in the line of fire," their mother fumed. Then, she gave in and sighed. "I'm shaking. Come hug me."

After they did so, Candy threw her arms around the Captain. "Martha hugged you, so I can, too!"

"That's right, she did!" the ghost exclaimed.

"What's so unusual about being hugged?" 99 asked.

"Well, er, I did mention having a cold, though I must say, Martha's chowder is quite as remedial as chicken soup, perhaps more so!" the Captain bluffed.

"We'll have to get in touch with the Admiral and see if they want to market the recipe," the housekeeper added for good measure. "Long as they don't want Laughing-Boy or Gull Cottage pictured on the ads or cans, that is."

"I take umbrage to that," Daniel sniffed, and for a moment, there was a rumble of thunder.

"I still want to know HOW you two got upstairs without anyone seeing you and WHY you did in the first place," Carolyn demanded of the two Time Lords, ignoring the rumbles.

"Oh, that's easy, Mom," Jonathan answered, "The Doctor's TARDIS is in our bedroom."

"Doctor Who?" Carolyn asked, blankly. "Doctor Feeny? And what's a TARDIS?"

"Time and Relative Dimension in Space," the stranger rattled off.

"No, Mom, not Dr. Feeny – THE Doctor," the children tried to explain.

"I don't understand," Carolyn answered, the Captain and Martha nodding their heads in agreement.

"Nor I," they said together.

"Us, either," Max and 99 agreed.

"Maybe we should all sit down and eat our dessert we were so rudely interrupted from, and I'll make a fast pot of coffee?" Martha asked, "But no starting without me. I've gotta hear this."

Candy rolled her eyes impatiently. "I'll help you, Martha, it will go faster."

"Okay, Candy. Come on, Jonathan; you can help, too."

"I need to go get Scruffy and K-9!" he objected.

"Dear lady, could you manage tea?" The Doctor asked, "I used to like coffee -- that was in my last incarnation. But this is not the time to discuss my idiosyncrasies." At Martha's slightly puzzled nod, he turned to Romana. "You might want to help the boy, my dear. K-9 can't levitate, you know. Must work on that."

"I think we have some tea. Lots of ice or just a few cubes?"

"Iced?" the doctor looked truly distressed for a moment. "My dear, would a nice cup of hot tea be too much trouble?"

"I'll see if we still have some bags."

"Bags? I-" Romana shot the Doctor a look as she started to follow Jonathan to the stairs. "Bagged will be fine, I suppose," he went on, reluctantly, and reached deep into his pocket. "Jelly-baby, anyone?" he asked, pulling out a bag.

"Me!" Jonathan exclaimed, coming back into the dining room, "Try, some, Mom, Captain Gregg, they're really good!"

Martha popped her head through the kitchen door. "Better than my cookies?"

"Uh-uh," he shook his head. "Just a different kind of good."

"Jonathan lad, if you wouldn't mind, go help Romana? I believe all will be better understood if everyone can meet K-9."

"Maybe," Max grunted. "But listen. Siegfried wasn't the only one. I saw his gun go right through your forehead, Sir," he turned to Daniel, "And what happened to your face? For a minute, you looked like-"

"He looked like Captain Gregg - the one in the portrait in the living room," 99 continued. "And I heard Jonathan call you Captain Gregg, too. "Say, what's going on, here?"

"Oh, hadn't you guessed that?" the Doctor shook his curly head. "And here, you two are secret agents, so you are all hiding things. Daniel is a ghost, I believe; the famous Captain Daniel Gregg of Gull Cottage, if I am not mistaken."

"Come now, a ghost?" the Captain frowned. "Really, that's the stuff of legend."

"Yes, Sir, you ARE a legend." The Time Lord grinned even wider.

"A ghost! Of course!" Max snapped his fingers. "That's the second time I've missed spotting a ghost this year!"

"You did look like him," 99 nibbled a thumbnail. "But it's impossible - still, Anne Ferris's late mother showed up in time to save us that one time, remember, Max?"

"But you - you are solid, and eat and everything," Max said, just as Jonathan and Romana arrived back in the dining room with K-9 and Scruffy.

"Only the weakest ghosts can't manage that," the Gallifreyan sniffed, "Common knowledge. Hello, Romana, K-9, How did you get down here so fast?"

"I moved the TARDIS to the kitchen."

"Oh, all right then!"

"Hey! You are starting without us!" Candy scolded as she and Martha came back into the room with servings of Blueberry Slump and ice cream on a large tray.

"Right," Martha added, now back up!"

Candy scratched her head. "I don't know where to start. Do you, Jonathan?"

"I do," Jonathan crowed.

"I should explain myself, first," Daniel Gregg said, his features shifting back to his own.

"There now, isn't that more comfortable?" The Doctor grinned. "I know how hard it can be, changing faces. Do it when I regenerate, but that's another story. Three times now. Remind me to tell you about it sometime."

"I think Max and I need to explain ourselves first," 99 cut in, or I won't be able to enjoy this dessert at all."

"Can't we talk and eat at once?" Max pleaded. "Now that we know they're good guys, I can enjoy it without worrying about being drugged."

"You thought I would drug the chowder?" Martha laughed. "Nonsense; laudanum would ruin the taste."

"And foxgloves don't work without brandy and all that other stuff," Jonathan put in.

"Eh?" Max grunted.

"Dig in," Martha encouraged everyone. "We'll talk as we eat."

Slowly but surely, during double helpings for all, most of the events of the last day fell into place.

XXX

By the time everyone's stories concluded, Agent 86 felt like his head was going to explode. How was he ever going to put any of this into a report? Space aliens, tin dogs, disappearing phone booths that were actually time machine rockets, sonic screwdrivers, ghosts that could act like people, and jelly-babies? Maybe the weird part was the nice, normal-seeming aspect; a widow raising two kids; mostly on her own. He was sure he couldn't handle the twins: Donald and Barbara, without 99, and Mrs. Larrabee helping from time to time.

"I do hope we can depend on you all to not go telling the world about Captain Gregg," Carolyn cut into his chaotic thoughts.

"I personally never do paperwork and anyone I might tell would be on another world, in all probability," the Doctor announced. "Romana, K-9, you won't blab, will you?"

"As you say, to whom?" the Time Lady asked, raising one brow with a haughtiness left over from her first life. "Most people we know well enough to share secrets with have seen far more unusual things, anyway."

"Doctor-Master merely needs to order this unit into silence," K-9 added.

"We will have to write a report," 99 admitted. "But, all of CONTROL's papers are kept in top secret, times three, files that absolutely no one can find. Max's are even more secure than that. No one can ever find anything he files."

"Perhaps Claymore has been working for them all these years," Martha mused, biting into one of her windmill cookies.

"Do we have an agent Claymore?" Max frowned.

"Not unless he's a secret, too," 99 said, "The only Claymore I know is Mr. Gregg; the one that rented the cottage to us."

"Of course, you do understand that even if he were, we couldn't tell you, so he still might be," Max added. "That is to say, your secret is safe with us. Er, both sets of secrets are safe with us. We will only report the facts, but no one outside our agency, and not many of them, I don't think, will ever know about ghosts or aliens, except the Chief."

"I've got enough an odd enough reputation without adding in spy stories or reports of UFO's," Carolyn agreed. "Though, I'm not sure you can call the TARDIS a flying object, but you get the point."

"Likewise," Martha nodded.

The kids frowned. It'd sure be cool to be able to tell their friends about this adventure, but after only seconds, Candy spoke up, "We won't tell anyone, ever. It'll just be something to cherish in our family."

"Right," Jonathan nodded. "If I ever tell, may buzzards eat my gizzard and ants crawl up my pants. Do you want me to swear it and sign an oath in blood?"

"That will not be necessary," Martha replied firmly. She hated washing bloodstains, or seeing it, for that matter. Ed had gotten no cherry pie for two weeks after he insisted on taking her to that half-price two-for-one-special horror-fest at the local theater.

Daniel Gregg shook his head, and stroked the back of Carolyn's hand.

"There a few things I still don't understand, Doctor. You are light-years, as the saying goes, ahead of us. You made a comment earlier, right after everything was out in the open, something to the effect that "of course ghosts can touch;" I've never been able to touch a mortal, or live being, no matter how often I tried. Came close a few times, but never have without becoming intangible first, but even then, it was quite limited - tossing Claymore out of the house, carrying Scruffy inside. Once I guided a toddler back to his older sister. Then today, I suddenly could; why?"

"Spiritual adrenaline," the Time Lord shrugged, swallowing more tea.

"But - before you made it sound like only the most inept of ghosts can't touch-"

"Like Elroy Applegate," Candy put in.

"Right, dear girl, and I am hardly inept! So why couldn't I before? And why can I now, even when the adrenaline is over?" The ghost reached over and tousled Jonathan's hair, and then patted Candy, who was sitting next to him, on the arm. "All of them. I can touch my family at last!"

"At the risk of sounding like Glinda, the Good Witch in The Wizard of Oz-" Romana started.

"You always DID have it," the Doctor finished. "I told you - most ghosts - those that remain full time on Earth, that is, can, you know."

"No I didn't know," Daniel grumbled.

"Your spiritual body gets used to the physicality."

"That's so much gobelty-gook. In English please?"

The alien sighed to himself over the denseness of Earthlings. "Look, when you had physical muscles, the first time you lifted something heavy, it hurt a great deal or was impossible. But, as you continued to try, it became something you could do and do without the ache, yes? It's much the same for a spiritual body."

"But it took a hundred-and-one-years for me to do this?" The ghost squeezed Carolyn's hand again and then laced his fingers with hers.

"Sometimes it does," the Doctor shrugged. "I'm not a para-psychologist, just a Time Lord. I just know that from what you have said, nothing mattered to you more in that one point in time than rescuing Carolyn from Siegfried and Starker. It was the drop of water that broke the dam - the camel's last straw, and so forth."

"I think The Doctor is right," 99 nodded. "Ages ago, Max and I were on a case where this woman, was romantically involved with a KAOS agent and on the run from another. She faked her own death some time before, and then tried to convince us that she was now a ghost, and at the same time pretended to be her own mother. I can't reveal all the details, but it came down to a hand-to-hand combat with Max and the head bad guy who also wanted this woman dead. He was distracted by what we thought was the woman pretending to be her mother once more, and Max was able to subdue him. We realized after though that Anne hadn't changed back into her mother's costume at all and it really was her mother's ghost that helped us."

"The danger was the catalyst," Romana inserted helpfully. "Rather as oxygen is a necessary condition in which to create fire, but fortunately, just because there is oxygen does not mean combustion. You need another element to set off the reaction."

"But now - you think I will be able to be tangible to Carolyn, and the children and Martha at will?"

"I hope so," Carolyn whispered. "We can't count on; nor do we want, Siegfried to show up again."

"I don't have much experience with this, but now that it's done, it should stay done," the Doctor shrugged.

"Good!" Candy nodded. "Now you guys can get married - like you were going to in the dream you gave us last Christmas, but we woke up too soon."

"Candy!" Carolyn flushed.

"Candy's right!" Jonathan cut in. "That was my Christmas wish last year! That sometime it could happen. We got the dream, and it was neat, but-"

"And, haven't you heard that a dream is a wish your heart makes?" Candy added earnestly. "So, your hearts were wishing-"

"And now it can come true!" Martha said. "And I won't even make you wait until New Year's Day!"

Daniel gazed deeply into Carolyn's green eyes for a long moment. There is nothing I have wanted more, since the day I met you," he finally said simply. "You are my greatest dream come true."

"Aye-" she whispered softly. "I love you, Daniel."

"That's settled then," Martha nodded. "What kind of wedding cake to you two want?"

"Chocolate!" the children cheered, hugging their Captain, almost before Carolyn and Daniel could kiss.

"Congratulations. You do have one little problem though-" the Doctor broke in.

"Spoilsport," Romana frowned, "What?"

"Our good Captain has no legality in 1970," the Time Lord went on. "No identity. He has a death certificate, but - I don't believe they even had birth certificates when you came into the world initially."

"Are you sure you exist or ever have then?" Max asked.

"Quite certain."

"We don't use them on Gallifrey and everyone is sure they exist. They might question others' actuality, but, I digress," the Doctor rambled.

"He's good at that," Romana whispered loudly.

"Affirmative," K-9 agreed.

Scruffy just cocked his head and gave a soft "woof." He really did not know what to make of all these strange people or this dog that did not have a smell.

"What can be done about it?" Carolyn fretted. "I really don't CARE if Daniel has paperwork; he's not some show dog, or poodle by the fire," her face softened into a smile of remembrance, "But, I know the law cares about that kind of thing, so how do we do this right?"

99 and Max, who had been rather silent, looked at each other, then at Daniel Gregg, back to each other, to the other regular inhabitants of Gull Cottage, and back at each other again.

"Ahh-" Max started.

"Snap!" the Doctor exclaimed. "I wonder if you are thinking what I am thinking?"

"Snap?" Martha blinked. "I'm thinking, what does that mean? And I really doubt I can think like you do."

"True enough; you are simply human."

"Thanks, so much!"

"My dear, saying 'Snap' is just another way of snapping your fingers when a brilliant idea hits. Now then-"

"Hey!" Max said indignantly, "99 and I thought of it first. At least I think we did - didn't we, 99?"

"If it is the idea that CONTROL can legalize you, it is," 99 smiled. "We've given people whole new identities, when we have to - face and all. You can already do that. We'll talk to the Chief. He's going to get the full story anyway. He's our boss, he has to. It'll be a breeze."

"But then I would be indebted to you," the ghost frowned.

"Not for long, or only a little bit every now and then," Max cut in. "A ghost as a secret agent we could call on in extreme emergencies could be pretty handy!"

"Pay would be - okay," 99 shrugged. "We don't make a fortune, but it would be rewarding work."

"A ghost agent?" The Doctor flashed a grin, "Why not? It would be a little like that old British show I used to catch sometimes - Randall and Hopkirk. Actually, at present, it's new, but it will be old, eventually. This chap was a detective who got killed, but lingered to help his former partner, who was still manning the detective agency they used to run together."

"And it's not like you could get hurt, plus you get really cool gadgets," Max added.

"What kind?" Candy demanded, "You didn't show us anything."

"We were pretending to be on our second honeymoon, sweetheart," 99 tried to explain.

"You mean you aren't?"

"I think it turned into one," 99 gave Carolyn a wink.

"It has been one of our most memorable cases," Max nodded. "What do you say, Captain? All your legal stuff and you just need to help us out once in a while. Rest of the time you could do what you want - write, teach, start a charter business, or maybe manage that little museum in town - anything."

"As long as there is no possibility of Carolyn and the children being threatened, like tonight."

"Most of our work is more in the Washington DC area," 99 answered.

"But there is some traveling," Max said honestly, "But you can do that like the wind. You aren't grounded here or anything, are you?"

The seaman found himself forced to look in askance at the Time Lord. "I have not ventured overly far in my term as a ghost. What is my range of travel?" He added quickly, "I am not merely asking with reference to this potential line of work, but should Carolyn do me the honor of giving me her hand in marriage, it might be that we would want to go farther than the Inn for a honeymoon."

"I should hope so!" Martha huffed. "Otherwise, you'll have the entire town looking in on you and wanting to take a gander at the new guy, even if you aren't really; new, that is."

"I doubt it will last long," Carolyn smiled, "Other than perhaps the ladies in town saying how lucky I am."

"Except for Mrs. Shoemaker," Candy interrupted.

"Your daughter has a point," Martha said dryly. "It may not be my place to say so, but she never says anything nice about anyone."

99 blushed. "That name was one of the ones mentioned in our report about you, Carolyn."

"I don't CARE what Mrs. Shoemaker or Danny says about anything," Candy sniffed. "When can you and the Captain get married, Mom?"

"And can we start calling you Dad, NOW?" Jonathan demanded immediately.

"And are Romana and I invited?" the Doctor added. "You know we can manage it time-wise." He gave the occupants of the table another toothy grin. Biting into the cookie he had just dunked into his Earl Grey, he added, "I've never been to a ghost/human wedding before and it is quite difficult to find new experiences for someone who has been around as long as I have been in comparison to most of you."

"You are older than the Captain? I mean, Dad is?" Jonathan looked awed.

"Oh yes," Romana smiled brightly. "I'm over two hundred and the doctor is-"

"Slightly older than you," the other alien spoke over her. "Of course, on our planet, life spans tend to run to thousands of years, so both Romana and I could be said to be babes in the woods, chronologically. However, as we have actually gotten off Gallifrey and lived, rather than merely observing, that term is somewhat inaccurate. The point is, I have seen more years than the Captain, and been even more places. However, I have never seen a ghost get married. I have met spies, though."

"Spies?" Max snapped to attention. "What kind of spies?"

"Several," the Doctor shrugged. "More than I should go into tonight. I see two children that probably should have been a-bed an hour ago, too."

"And we really should get our report dictated tonight, so we don't forget anything; right, 99?" Max added. "We'll see you all in the morning, before we head back to D.C."

"I don't know if we will be here-" the Time Lord, answered.

"You stick around until tomorrow morning and I'll make you a real English breakfast," Martha answered. "Sausages, smoked bacon, eggs, fried bread and a tomato with lashings of mushrooms - and cereal, toast and marmalade - I do it well, if I do say so myself."

"And if you don't, I will, Dear Martha," Daniel cut in.

"Oh, go on, you old ogre, you," the housekeeper blushed.

"I can't resist marmalade," the Doctor agreed. "We'll be here. The Americans might not be much on high tea, or even low, but when it comes to breakfast, they are excellent. Perhaps sometime I could talk you into blueberry pancakes? This is Maine, after all. Come, Romana, I suggest we let these nice people get a good night's sleep."

"Right; come on, 99," Max rose.

"Coming, Max. Carolyn?" 99 went on. "Can I make a quick call and see how the twins are? They weren't part of our cover story!"

"Be my guest," Carolyn gestured toward the phone, and as 99 headed to the foyer to use the phone, Carolyn turned toward Candy and Jonathan. "You two – march. It's bed-time."

"Aww, Mom!" both children protested. "The Captain-"

"The Captain will be tucking you in, too," the seaman smiled. "Just as I have every night since Candy found out about me, and a few before that."

"Okay," the two grumbled. "G'night Miss Romana! G'night Doctor!" The two Time Lords were enveloped in hugs for a moment, "G'night, Mr. and Mrs. Smart!" They embraced the agents, and headed toward the stairs.

"We'll see you tomorrow morning," the Doctor executed a perfect bow, Romana hugged both Carolyn and Daniel, and a moment later they and K-9 were gone.

"We'll get going as soon as 99 finishes her call," Maxwell Smart went on, and as an afterthought, endeavored to imitate the Doctor's bow, tripped, hit the dining table with his hand, almost crashing into Martha, who was collecting dirty dessert dishes on a large tray. The agent righted himself carefully.

"Missed it by that much!"

XXX

After the children were tucked in and Martha had retired, the ghost and his lady stood quietly on the porch under the starlight.

"It's certainly been an eventful day," Carolyn laughed shakily.

"Indeed, my dear, and the day is not done."

Before she knew what was happening, she found Daniel Gregg on one knee in front of her, holding out a ring in one palm. "I managed to keep Claymore's ancestors from finding this; unfortunately, I've no box for it, but I trust that does not matter. It was my mother's favorite, though not an official engagement ring. Would you do me the honor of being my bride, and if I may be so bold, soon? I would hate to have to bunk with Claymore very long, though I surely must, now that I can be solid." He chuckled. "I can hardly wait to see his face when I show him what I am capable of!"

"I'll marry you tomorrow, if the Doctor or Max can pull off the paperwork!" Carolyn held out her left hand, which trembled slightly as he took the ring and slipped it on her finger. "It is lovely, but please; get up."

"You deserve that and more, far more," he intoned, rising to his feet and enveloping her in his strong arms. "But, it's the best I can do, FOR NOW. I love you, Carolyn Muir, as I never knew love could be."

"And I, you."

"Then, I am grateful to all those bumbling idiots for today's fiasco, otherwise, we never would have known all that might be for us."

Lifting her face, she kissed him, rejoicing anew that it was possible to do so.

"So, darling, am I."

END