Because I am undisciplined, forgive me Lord.

Undisciplined indeed. I'm a perfect example of a wild child, using the world as my playground. Unceasingly a rebel, simply because no one can tell me "no".

Because I am weak, forgive me Lord.

Ha! Weak. Though…perhaps in ways I am that. I am not always so in control of myself as I wish I was. My emotions still rule me, they still decide my every move. I am still so uncertain, and I still doubt myself.

Because I am impure, forgive me Lord.

I'm not quite sure how I could destroy my purity any further. Let's see, what haven't I done yet…I could – oh, no, I've done that already. I could – wait, nope, I did that in Vegas…

Because I am arrogant, forgive me Lord.

I carry my head high, I talk down to others. And why not? I know I'm better than them. Why shouldn't I act like it?

Because I am self-centered, forgive me Lord.

The world revolves around me and my wants. Of course it shouldn't, but to me it does. Every living creature in the world thinks often of itself. Maybe I simply think of myself a bit more often than some other people do.

Because I am insincere, forgive me Lord.

My prayers, my oaths…every one has been insincere for years. I'd rather not call it lying – lying is such a detestable thing, Near does it all the time. No, it's only…not being…sincere. Which, if you think about it hard and twist it the right way, is different from being untruthful.

Because I am judgmental, forgive me Lord.

But I cannot help that. I suppose being judgmental goes with being arrogant. You think yourself better, so therefore you have to think something of those you're better than, and those things you think certainly won't be complimentary.

Because I am unfaithful, forgive me Lord.

I never find myself praying when I'm content. Ever. Once upon a time I did, but that was years ago. And it's not simply to my religion that I am unfaithful. I am unfaithful to this "family" of mine, this mob. I have no attachment to them, no bond. I am with them so long as we can work together effectively. Just so long as I need them.

Because I am disobedient, forgive me Lord.

I am the very definition of disobedient. Go ahead, look it up. You should see my name right there in the dictionary.

Disobedient: 1. adjective Not obedient. 2. noun Mello.

It's not there? Well then your dictionary sucks.

Because I am unloving, forgive me Lord.

At one time I loved someone. I loved my mother with everything in me, because she was all I had. What is the point in looking for someone to love now? I have no interest in it. My love is this thrill, this challenge. My love is the game Near and I are playing.

Because I am sinful, forgive me Lord.

But you wouldn't have me any other way, now would you?

Amen.

…

November 27, 2009

A lot can change in so little time.

One day I discover my mother has committed suicide and I'm whisked off to some orphanage for geniuses. The next I'm being told my idol is dead and it's time to take his place…but no, I wasn't chosen. Then so suddenly it is the streets, living alone with nothing. Then it is London, and things have gotten a little better. Then it is Las Vegas, and suddenly I am corrupt. I am a prostitute and a killer and I carry a gun on my belt even while I pray in church. Then it is Los Angeles, where I live in luxury with all the money I could want. The game goes fierce and fast in constant competition, with me acting on sudden whims and Near with careful planning. And then…

Things truly do come full circle. For hear I am with nothing again, having destroyed all that I did have, for the sake of my own get away. I have found that perhaps there really is some curse connected to the ceremony I went through when I was sworn into the family. It was said traitors would be destroyed and a picture of saint Michael was burned…and now, here I am, a traitor to every one of them, and half my face has been eternally scarred by fire.

I have lost my money, my connections, and the notebook. All I have left is my cell phone. I've already used it well, to contact the last hope I have. The last hope that, even though I betrayed him, wouldn't betray me.

Maybe I should reconsider the "unfaithful" aspect of my personality.

For the first time in years I am feeling ever so slightly anxious. It's nothing extreme. It's just enough to make my fingers twirl my cross as I sit on the corner bench, my foot tapping lightly against the pavement. He'd said he would meet me here, where was he?

A Camaro pulled up to the curb, the rolled up windows tinted. I glared at it, taking in the nice paint job and the chrome rims. Surely this wasn't…

I got up from my seat, going around to the driver's side window. I knocked on it and it slowly rolled down, letting a puff of cigarette smoke out in my face.

"I honestly don't know why you pulled me over, officer," said a joking voice from within the car. "I didn't hit more than 120 on the highway."

"Matt, you're an idiot. Move over, I'm driving. You're twenty minutes late."

"Well, pardon me, baby," he said, and looked up at me with that same old crooked grin of his. His eyes were hidden behind ridiculous chrome goggles with orange lenses, yet somehow his whole ensemble of those with his shock of red hair, stripes, and fluff all went together. He opened the door, stepped out of the car…

And he was shorter than me. By at least an inch. I could have smiled, I was so happy to see that. But I kept my expression neutral, saying only, "You're short."

He rubbed his hand through his hair, fluffy it out in all directions. "Yeah, yeah, don't rub it in." He shrugged, seeming to hardly car. "Well go on, take the driver's seat or whatever. I've been dying to finish up this level anyway." He pulled his GameBoy out of his pocket as he walked over the passenger side, and I slipped into the car, liking the smooth black leather interior. "Long time no see, huh?" he said, as I adjusted the mirror. "I was totally pissed at you, I hope you know. After you left, that's when the smoking started."

I rolled my eyes. "Don't blame me that you've developed an addiction to sucking down cancer. Handle your own problems Matt."

"I could say the same to you."

I flinched, but kept my eyes on the road as I pulled away from the curb. There was business to be taken care of, no time for nonsense.

"But hey, Mello," he said, and I heard the sound of a video game theme begin. "You look hot, man."

I just grunted in response. Turning my face slightly to the side, I watched the stores go by for a few moments…

…and allowed myself the smallest of smiles.

Ahh, I feel better now. Matt and Mello reunion completed.

And, for that matter, Leather Bound Kitten is now completed. Yay! Thanks so much for reading and for the reviews, I'll try to reply to them when I get the time :)