Driving Lesson

(A missing scene from the episode "Hawkeye.")

"Are you all right, Sir?" Radar's expression was somewhere between concerned and confused as he put the jeep in drive and accelerated.

"Of course I'm not all right. My brain keeps shifting around inside my skull, for Chrissake." Hawkeye put a hand against the side of his head, as if to make sure it hadn't fallen off at some point. "I'm going to keep on talking, Radar, if you don't mind. If I stop, I'm afraid I'll lose consciousness, and then… well, who knows, right? Could be goodnight, nurse, for all we know. It's better if I just talk."

"Oh go right ahead, Sir. I don't mind. I'll just listen with my ears so I can keep on driving with my hands, that's all."

"Listening with your ears is always the preferable way to do it, Radar."

"Yes, Sir."

Radar was driving fast and a little recklessly, but Hawkeye didn't argue. Even though the bumps in the road were wreaking havoc with his headache. Better to get back to camp fast than entirely in one piece, he reasoned. The doctors there would put him back together again, just like Humpty Dumpty. Oh wait. Humpty Dumpty couldn't get put back together, could he? All the king's horses and all the king's men gave it a shot, but they couldn't quite get the job done.

Hawkeye shook his head lightly, putting those thoughts away. He glanced over at his driver. "Don't tell my dad I wrecked the jeep, Radar. He'll be pissed."

"Yessir."

"He's the one who taught me to drive, you know. Well, if you didn't know, I'm telling you now. I remember the first time he took me out on the road. After I'd begged him to teach me to drive for about a month, he finally relented." Hawkeye smiled at the memory, at the image of himself at 16, young, eager, wide-eyed. Miles from the cynical, tired man he felt like now. "We went out on the back roads near our house for that first lesson. He drove at first, but then after a while, he pulled over to the side of the road, put the car in park, and we changed places, me getting behind the wheel of a car for the very first time. It was thrilling. You remember that feeling, Radar?"

"Uh, I guess so, Sir. It wasn't all that much different from driving a tractor, to me. And I been doing that since I was seven."

"Ah, well then. For me, that first time having my hands on the steering wheel… that was exciting." Hawkeye leaned back, closing his eyes, relaxing a bit as he let his mind try to remember all the details of the story he was telling. It soothed him, to think back to being a teenager in Crabapple Cove, his dad at his side. "Before I ever put the car in motion, my dad explained all the controls, even though I already knew, and then he quizzed me a few times until he was satisfied I wasn't going to immediately drive us into a ditch. When he said, 'Go ahead, son, you can take 'er out of park,' I remember dutifully checking the rearview mirror and then looking all around me, even though we were on this deserted back road with nobody around for miles, probably. I was being really cautious. I didn't want to disappoint my dad."

"Oh, you probably never once disappointed your dad in your entire life, Hawkeye," Radar said with a tinge of awe in his voice.

Hawkeye laughed. "Trust me, Radar… plenty of times. But those are other stories for other days. As for this particular story and that particular day… I carefully put the car into drive and I carefully turned the steering wheel to the left to pull out onto the road. I was being ever so careful, have I made that point quite clear, Radar?"

"Yessir."

"I put my foot on the gas and carefully accelerated, and all of a sudden, I was driving! I was the one controlling the car, and we were moving—although not fast, 'cause we were on winding back roads, but even if we'd been on straight roads, I didn't want to go fast—and it felt so liberating. I couldn't believe how easy it was! Dad was talking to me, encouraging me but also saying things like, 'Take it a little slower around this bend, Hawkeye,' and just keeping me aware of what I was doing." Hawkeye paused for a moment, his eyes fluttering open to check that yes, indeed, they were still barreling along the roads of Korea, not Crabapple Cove, Maine, despite what his mind's eye was showing him. "I was doing a damn fine job, Radar. Let me just say that right now. For my first solo drive, I was doing quite well. And then all of a sudden—"

"Oh no, you're not going to tell me you crashed your dad's car, are you?" Radar interrupted, sounding miserable at the very thought.

"No, no, I didn't crash. But all of a sudden, this little squirrel ran out in front of the car. I had enough time to react, it was far enough ahead of us… but I zigged and when I did, the damn squirrel, instead of zagging—he zigged in exactly the same direction I did." Hawkeye's eyes were closed again, but he heard Radar gasp, and he reached out blindly and placed a hand on Radar's shoulder. "Don't worry, Radar, I didn't hit the squirrel. But I did slam on the brakes, and I do mean slam—I put both feet on the pedal and nearly stood on it, throwing all my weight into it. You might say we came to a screeching stop. I damn near put my dad and myself through the windshield. He thrust his hands out in front of him, hitting the dashboard, to stop his forward motion. The squirrel scampered away and I just sat there sweating and breathing hard, cringing because I figured my dad was furious. I had overreacted, it was as simple as that. I sat there waiting for the screaming, for the tirade, for the hail of curse words. And very quietly, very calmly, he said, 'Don't ever do that again, son, you almost sent me through that windshield.' His voice was so controlled and quiet. I looked over at him and he turned to me and his face was a little pale, but he didn't look all that mad. We were both quiet for a couple of minutes—or at least it seemed that long, and then finally he started in on the lecture. 'What if somebody had been behind you? Yes, we're on a back road and there's nobody else around, but did you even glance in the rearview mirror to check?' And so on and so on, a perfectly reasonable lecture on safety and being more careful… I don't even remember much of it anymore. But when he'd finally wound down to the end of it, the last thing he said was, 'Don't ever take this lightly, being behind the wheel of a car. It can be a dangerous machine in the wrong hands, in careless hands. Don't ever forget the power you have when you're driving.'"

Hawkeye opened his eyes again, looking over at Radar, who seemed to be hanging on his every word. "He could've yelled, but he didn't. He could've said I wasn't ready yet to drive and refused to give me any more lessons, but he didn't. He just lectured me calmly, and that was that. You know? He was very understanding and forgiving and…" He trailed off, his small smile transforming into a big grin. "He was my dad." As if that somehow explained everything. And to him, it did.

"Wow, he sure sounds swell."

"He's very swell, Radar."

A comfortable silence fell over them. Hawkeye was exhausted, and he let his eyes drift shut once more, telling himself he was only going to rest them and not—repeat, not—fall asleep. Suddenly Radar's voice brought him around again. "We made it, Sir." Hawkeye blinked as he took in his surroundings, breathing a sigh of relief as they finally pulled into their camp, passing beneath the sign that proclaimed "Best Care Anywhere." Hawkeye watched as B.J. came running out of the Swamp toward them, white coat flapping behind him, a panic-stricken look on his face.

Radar brought the jeep to a stop as B.J. reached them, and Hawkeye half-stumbled out, answering the barrage of questions from his best friend with "I'm all right, I'm going to live, don't worry."

Just before he let B.J. lead him away to the hospital, he turned back to the corporal. "Do me a favor, Radar? While I'm gettin' checked out by Dr. Anxiety here, put a call in to my dad, will ya? I feel like talking to him."

Radar smiled, dimples denting his cheeks. "Sure thing, Cap'n."