If I Had You
Greg was amazed by how his life could be so wonderful and so terrible at the same time. He could honestly say that he had all he ever wanted; except for one thing. He had been together with Nick for one and a half years now. The man of his dreams, that beautiful Texan who could have whoever he wanted, chose to be with him, the geeky Californian with loud taste in music and weird shirts. Not a day went by without Greg thanking whoever he could think of about the fact that Nick was his boyfriend.
But at the same time, Nick was the reason why his life was terrible too. Greg hated lying. He hated it with all of his being, and now he had been doing it for one and a half years. In the beginning it was okay. Even though he looked like a sharer; Greg was a private person. He didn't want everyone to know everything about him, but he had a hard time concealing his relationship with the so-called lady's man.
He would flirt like hell with Sara and Catherine and every other woman that passed his way, and he was so tired of it. The explosion last spring was almost a blessing in that sense; people expected him to be a little toned down, blaming it on him getting blown through the lab-window.
The stay at the hospital had actually been worse than the actual blow-up. All he wanted and needed was Nick; and he kept being called out on scenes. It felt like he was always at work; even though that was a little unfair against his lover; who would spend every waking moment on the hard chair beside his bed. He was so glad that his parents knew about the relationship; they were great in giving them some alone time. And his mum had practically begged Grissom to give Nick some time off after he got home; claming that someone had to take care of her son, and that she had to get back to work. Nick was the perfect nurse; since they where friends and all. Grissom had surrendered quickly, and given the Texan two weeks off.
Greg was sure that the experience would make Nick wake up. He had never seen his lover cry that much ever before in his life. The Texan hardly slept at all. When he slept he would get nightmares, screaming Greg's name. When the tech held him against his chest; he could hear him mutter: "I could have lost you, I could have lost you, I can't live without you, don't ever leave me." And Greg would caress his back and whisper in his ear: "I'm here baby, I won't ever leave you, I'm here."
Now, eight months later; nothing had changed. The lies were still hanging heavily on his shoulders. Greg could, with scouts-honour, say that he was a bad liar; after all there was a reason why he hated lying. He didn't like the fact that he was getting too good at it, the lies came too easy. This wasn't him; he had never been a person who lied to others. He could conceal things, but he had never before answered a direct question with a lie. Lately he had done that a lot. When Sara would ask him if he was seeing someone or Catherine was wondering how his life went or Warrick wanted to take him and Nick out for triple dates. He hated not being able to tell the truth; he hated it.
He wanted to shear his happiness and his love with someone actually living in the same city as him. The only ones who knew were his family and a couple of close friends back in San Francisco. Nick had forbidden him to tell anyone in Vegas; even his old-time-friend Eric. The reason for this was beyond him, but having Nick in his life was more important than any friend; even if it made him feel like shit.
Adding these diverse feelings to the package of working too much, in addition to classes for becoming a CSI, Greg felt drained. His energy was gone, and right now all he wanted was to go home and sleep. He had, once again, been forced to work overtime, due to the fact that the day-tech was sick. Luckily they had been able to find a replacement, so he didn't have to pull a double. So now, three hours too late, he was finally on his way home. He hoped Nick was either asleep, or at his own place; because today he couldn't muster the energy even to speak, and less to argue.
They had exchanged keys almost a year ago, but they still spent most of their time together at Greg's place. He had had to buy a second drawer to get room for all of Nick's clothes that slowly had crept into his closet. In the bathroom the Texan's shower-gel and all-in-one shampoo were placed in the shower. On the sink were his tooth-brush, his deo and his electric razor. The cd-shelf suddenly had country-music in it; music Greg would never dream of buying.
Greg didn't actually mind having all of Nick's stuff in his apartment; he loved smelling him there even if he was away. But he kinda felt like they had moved together without him knowing about it. Then why keep Nick's place; for appearance of course. That's what bugged the lab-tech. That everything was so hush-hush; no one could know that they were a couple. And telling anyone that they were living together? Uh uh; I don't think so.
This meant that every time Nick's phone rang; Greg had to be quiet. His music was shut off, the TV toned down and if he happened to speak on his own phone; the Texan would walk into another room. He hated having to be on tip-toes whenever the phone rang, he hated Nick walking into the kitchen or the bathroom when the doorbell rang; he hated not being able to be himself in his own home.
Greg sighed to himself; why did life have to be so difficult? He looked up at his apartment; it was time to go inside. He knew Nick was there; the Texan's car was parked next to his own Jetta. The tech dragged himself out of his silver car, and started walking up to his home, hoping, no praying, that Nick would be asleep so he could snuggle into that beautiful warm body.
No such luck though. When Greg opened the front door, he could hear his boyfriend's voice coming from the living room. He was obviously on the phone, probably talking to some family member. He tried to be considerate and closed the door quietly behind himself; even though he wanted no more than to slam it. He toed his shoes off and hung his jacket on the rack. He winced by the clinking of the keys laid down on the table and quietly made his way towards the bedroom.
He gave Nick a small smile when he saw him on the couch, the smile faltered quickly when the Texan placed a finger over his mouth and mouthed "mom" back at him. Greg looked away from his boyfriend; the man he loved even more than himself, and with sad eyes he walked to the bathroom. He undressed and brushed his teeth quickly and was soon sprawled out on the bed.
But sleep wouldn't come. He was so tired, on the brink of exhausted, but his mind was on overload. The emotions and exhaustion made his eyes wet; he couldn't take this anymore, it was just too much for him. He was only human after all, and now everything came to him; Nick being so secretive; not wanting anyone to know about their relationship, the CSI's swamping him with work so he couldn't get out in the field, Catherine giving him a case and then taking him off it before the end, the other lab-techs teasing him for wanting to be a CSI; sure he would fail. Walking into his own home and being hushed by the person who should be there for him no matter what was the last straw. He had no chance to stop the tears from rolling. He burrowed his head in his pillow to stop the sobs from getting too loud, not wanting Nick to figure out just how screwed up he was. But luck was not on his side this day.
He didn't hear the Texan enter the room, but he could feel him being there. He could feel himself being turned around and surrounded by strong comforting arms. He continued crying into his boyfriend's broad chest, feeling safe; but still terrible.
"What's wrong G?"
Greg could hear the concern in Nick's voice, and couldn't help himself spilling out everything.
"I'm so tired Nicky. I'm tired from working too much, from going to classes three nights a week, from being swamped with samples to run so I can never get out of the lab, from being teased by everyone at work, from no one believing in me making it as a CSI and from having to lie to my friends about us. But I can handle all of that. What I can't handle is coming home, from having classes last night and working three hours overtime because the fucking day-tech is sick and then being hushed on by my boyfriend. I'm sick of it. Sick of not being able to be myself even in my own home, or is it ours now? I'm so confused Nick, and tired; tired of you turning off my music every time your phone rings, of you hushing me. I feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore. Not in the lab, not in the field and not at home."
He kept on rambling and crying until exhaustion knocked him out. When he finally fell asleep his face was red from the tears, small drops were still rolling down his cheek.
Nick stayed awake for hours after Greg had fallen asleep, feeling ashamed and scared out of his mind. Ashamed for making his boyfriend feel like he couldn't be himself, ashamed for making him lie, ashamed for not being there for him like he should be. But most of all he was scared of loosing the best thing in his life. He didn't think he could ever live without Greg as his partner, his boyfriend, his best friend and lover. He loved the tech more than life itself, a life without him wouldn't be worth living. The Texan knew he had to fix this; he just wasn't sure how to do it. Finally he fell asleep, clutching Greg to his chest, holding on like a drowning man holds on to his lifejacket.
--
When Greg woke up he could feel Nick's arms strong around him, when he tried to move the hold strengthened. He was still in a daze and wasn't sure what had wakened him up until he heard the phone ringing on the nightstand. With much difficulty he finally got hold of the offending piece of machinery and answered.
Nick woke up hearing Greg's voice, and from the sound of it; Grissom was on the other line. His arms hurt; he had been holding onto his boyfriend all night, terrified of him leaving. The tech had his back towards him now, probably from trying to reach his phone. Nick could feel dried tears on his cheek, but he still didn't dare to let go. Waking up holding Greg was his favourite part of the day. He took a deep breath, smelling the mango-shampoo the Californian had started using. When Greg put down the phone, he gently turned him around in his arms.
The couple looked at each other for a long time, seeing the others appearance. Nick's hold was still strong; he brought Greg into a hug just as fresh tears sprang from both men.
"Are you leaving me G? Please don't, I can't live without you. I'll do anything, I promise."
"I'm not leaving you. I love you too much to do that. I was just really really tired this morning, and everything just over flooded. I just need some time to get my energy back. When I'm done with the classes; I'll be myself again."
"I'm so sorry for making you an alien in your own home. I've been so scared of what everybody else would say if they knew I'm gay; I haven't thought about how this show is affecting you. I'll try to be stronger, I'll find a way. Loosing you scares me more than anything else in this world. Please, I can't loose you."
"You're not loosing me, don't worry about it Nick. I'll be myself in no time."
Nick knew the tech was kind of lying. He wasn't lying about not leaving; but about how hard this was on him. And this wasn't something that would be fixed in a day. The Texan knew what he had to do now; he just didn't quite know how to do it. But the consequences of loosing Greg were worse than anything else.
"You have to let me go now. I need to pee badly, and Grissom ordered me to come in earlier. Some new evidence on his case that needs processing asap."
Nick released his grip and looked after his lover when he walked towards the bathroom. Only now did he realize that Greg had slept in boxer and t-shirt. His boyfriend never slept with clothes on, no matter how cold it was or if he was alone or with someone. He himself had slept fully dressed; not wanting to let go this morning. When he looked at the watch he saw that he had only been sleeping for three hours. He didn't care though. He could hear the shower starting and quickly got up to join Greg.
After a blowjob in the shower, Greg felt better than he had in a long time. Orgasms always made him relax, and his mind would go blank for a while. Having Nick on his knees in front of him was such a sexy sight, and the Texan was very good at sucking, having perfected his technique over the last one and a half years. Some clothes and a cup of Blue Hawaiian later, Greg left for work, his mood considerably better than when he had come home this morning.
--
With five hours until his shift started, Nick had lot of time to think about what to do for Greg. He had put this of for far too long, it was time to stand up against his family and be proud of what he was. He loved his family, but he knew his life would go on without them, Greg he needed; like air. So he picked up the phone, and dialled his parents' number, silently relieved when his mother answered.
"Stokes."
"Hi mom, it's me."
"Nicky, what a surprise! Two calls in one day, what's up?"
"Yeah, well I kinda need to tell you something."
"You've gotten yourself a nice girl?"
"Not exactly no. I have found someone. A person I love more than life itself, someone I can't live without, to whom I'd fetch the moon and sun had I been asked."
"What are you saying here Nick?"
Nick swallowed, 'here we go.'
"Mom. I'm gay, and I'm in a relationship with a man. His name is Greg, and we've been together for one and a half years. He works in the lab as a DNA-technician, and he's just the smartest, kindest, funniest, most beautiful person I've ever met."
The silence was almost killing him.
"Mom…? Please say something."
"I… I don't know what to say Nick. It's a huge shock, I need some time. Just give me a minute here."
The line was dead for a good ten minutes before it was again picked up, the last of his mother's deep breathing still emitting from her mouth.
"Okay, I'm back. I've been thinking, and… I know I said it was a shock, but somewhere deep inside I must have known it, because the shock isn't as big as I would have thought it to be."
"Do you hate me mom?" His fear was audible in his voice.
"What? How can you think something like that? I love you no matter what. Gay or straight, I don't care. You're my son, and that's all that matters."
"Really mom? Oh thank you. I've been so scared of how you would feel. Well maybe more dad than you, but still."
"You're dad will accept it too. Don't you worry about a thing. I'll tell him, and if he doesn't behave, he will soon find out who's got the real powers in this house. Just relax baby, I ain't letting anyone hurt you. As long as you're happy, I'm happy."
"Thanks mom, it means a lot to me. I love you so much, and I love Greg so much. And he makes me happy. I know that without him I would be miserable."
"I'm glad for you. I love you to. I'll talk to you later Nicky, your dad just got in. Take care."
"Bye mom. Say hi to dad from me."
"Will do. Bye."
Nick felt like a ton of bricks fell of his shoulders. His mom's reaction made him wonder why he'd been so scared to tell her. He knew she would never stop loving him, and she was like a tiger if anyone tried to hurt her kids; even if they were all grown-ups. He couldn't wait to tell Greg. But he should do something more to. An idea sprang to life, and over the next hours all the preparations were made.
--
Greg was bored. He'd been working for almost seven hours now, all the CSI's were out and he had nothing to do. Nick had stopped by when he came in at the start of shift; telling him that he had something important to say, but it had to wait 'cause Grissom was ready with assignments.
So not only was he bored, he was also curious as hell. What on earth had the Texan done now? He had no idea, and this was not a pleasant feeling. He put his head on the table, when he suddenly felt a very familiar presence in the room. He twirled around and looked straight at his boyfriend. Nick looked very serious, not in a bad way, but still enough to unnerve Greg a bit."
"Hi Nicky. What's up?"
"Come here."
Greg looked puzzled at the hand that was held out towards him. They were in the middle of the lab, with glass-walls all around. What was going on? He watched Nick move towards him, putting a cd in the player and pressing play. When the well-known guitar of Alan Jackson started playing, Nick took Greg's hand and dragged him to his feet. He put his arms around his boyfriend's slim waist and pulled him closer.
"Listen to the lyrics baby."
If I could have you
I know what I'd do
This time I'd be true
If I had you
If you could be mine
I'd walk that straight line
There'd be no bad times
If I had you
I made the worst mistake
One fool could ever make
Tell me it's not too late
What can I do?
If I could hold you tight
I'd have the world tonight
Everything would be alright
If I had you
I made the worst mistake
One fool could ever make
Tell me it's not too late
What can I do?
If I could hold you tight
I'd have the world tonight
Everything would be alright
If I had you
Everything would be alright
If I had you
As the music ended, tears were falling freely down Greg's face.
"I love you so much G. Life without you ain't worth living. I'm so sorry for not treating you as good as you deserve. I called my mom and told her everything after you left today. So now my whole family knows. And judging by the crowd watching us, pretty soon the whole lab will know to. And I don't care. You're the most important person in my life, and I will do anything to make you happy. I'm just sorry it took so long."
"Don't be. I love you to. And you didn't have to do all of this for me. But I'm very happy you did. No more secrets now."
"No more secrets G."
Nick leaned in and kissed Greg softly on the lips, and outside they could hear a loud clapping. Breaking up and looking around them they saw all of their friends smiling and cheering them on. To feel all this love and happiness was more than either of them had expected, but it was very much welcomed. After another kiss, they went out into the hall, trying to answer the questions thrown at them, never letting go of the others hand.
--
A/N: Hope you liked it! I love reviews; so please tell me what you think!