(Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters who's name may appear in this fic.)

OK, before any of you Peach fans get offended, just know that I don't think Peach is a whore. She IS a Mario character after all. This was all just done for fun! Now, enjoy!

Hello! It-a me, Mario! Today, I would like to talk about something that kinda pisses me of. Now, you're probably wondering, what could possibly piss Mario off, right? No, it's not Bowser. I can tolerate him. What I'm talking about, is Princess Peach. Why would I be mad at my little Peachy pie? Well, believe it or not, Peach is not as innocent as she seems to be. Also, how the hell did she manage to get captured so many damn times? Well, I'll tell you.

PRINCESS PEACH TOADSTOLL IS AN UNFAITHFUL SLUT!

Now, I know some of you may get defensive about this, but it's true! She is one dirty, anal-loving, major slut! I can't tell you how sick I am of going on the internet, and finding videos of Peach going down on some koopa that I stomped on last week. Let me tell you, most of those videos are just plain wrong. I mean, come on! Can you actually name one, just one, person in the Mushroom Kingdom that Peach DID NOT have sex with? Can't name one, can you? I didn't think so. Also, what about Bowser? Why does she just let him kidnap her? She doesn't even put up a fight. She could at least kick him in the crotch or something. I mean ladies, if a big scary turtle monster tried to kidnap and rape you, would you just let him? No, I don't think you would. Unless you're sick in the head or into that beastiality crap.

You know, every time I rescue her, she smells like she just came from an orgy party. Also, she always has little drops of white stuff dripping from her mouth. What white stuff, you say? I'll give you a hint: it's not ranch dressing. Last week, I went to her castle to ask her if she wanted to watch a movie or something, and guess what I heard when I went inside? She was in her room, screaming and moaning, and I heard what sounded like Daisy saying "Mmm! You like that, you whore?" Yes, that's right. She was getting it on with another woman. Girls, guys, she doesn't care!

Still don't believe she's a dirty skank? Well, I did some research, and I've made a list of people and/or creatures she has given up her arse to. The list includes characters like Bowser, Yoshi, Waluigi, several toads in toad town, Rosalina, ALL my party members from the Paper Mario games, Petey Piranha, and even people from Smash Bros.! That isn't even all of them! She even did it with Baby Peach. Yes, her own infant self. That is just... eww.

So as you can see, Peach has been around. She has screwed so many people it's ridiculous. She's one of the biggest sluts in gaming history. How the hell could she have sex with her infant self!? Not only is it wrong, but I think it would create some kind of weird time paradox or something. Anyway, my main point is that Peach is a huge slut. But... I can't stay mad at my little Peach. After all... she gives the best blowjobs ever!

(Well, please leave a comment and tell me what you think. Also, for those of you who took this seriously, go slap yourself.)