A/N: Hey, this is my fourth fanfic that I've posted! It's kind of a crack-fic, so BE WARNED. No flames, please! I do not own Twilight, or any of its awesome characters. I may also note that I do not own any quotes that I may use from the books.
Chapter 1:
Like many other mornings of this summer, I woke up reasonably early and got to my feet within seconds. Edward hadn't stayed the night last night – he hadn't in a while. And since we were getting married pretty soon, I could understand his tight schedule.
Charlie wasn't home this morning – he was at his job as usual. He was almost always gone by the time I woke up these summer mornings.
I yawned, stretching as I walked out my door. I took a shower, using my strawberry-scented shampoo. Edward always liked that, and I'd finally be seeing him later after a week of not seeing him – which seemed like forever to me.
"Oh, Edward, my love," I sang in the shower as I lathered the shampoo in my hair. I continued humming and making up lyrics as I finished the shower – I was in a really good mood.
I twirled slightly as I stepped out of the shower – which was a big mistake. I slipped and fell on the bathroom floor. I wasn't really surprised – this sort of thing happened all the time.
I finished drying my hair, got dressed and then I plodded down the steps. I was wearing an outfit Alice had given me – I knew it would make her happy, and it would possibly tone down her wedding plans for me if I pleased her as much as possible before the wedding. The outfit was a light blue fashion top and a white mini-skirt, along with some light blue flats to match the top. I shivered, cringing down at the outfit. It was not in my tastes at all, but Alice would be pleased. That's all I needed to remember.
I reached the kitchen and headed for the pantry. I needed to eat breakfast before I went to the Cullens' house.
"Hey, Bella," a voice called. I froze. I glanced around the kitchen – no one was there.
I didn't recognize this voice at all – I'd never heard it in my life.
And I was home alone. Any voice in here obviously wasn't supposed to be here.
After a few minutes of silence, I finally decided that it was my imagination. I reached for the Cheerios and a bowl.
"I like your outfit, Bella, it's very pretty. Edward will love it," the voice rang again. I dropped the Cheerios, the bag spilling the cereal all over the kitchen floor. "Damnit, Bella, now you're going to have to clean that up. I can't – I have no arms."
I looked around me – there was no one there. I paced to the dining room – there was no one in there, either. I searched the entire downstairs – there was no one there.
"Hello?" I called cautiously, still more than a little freaked out.
"In here," the voice called. It came from the kitchen. As I entered, I heard the voice again. "So, Bella, I see you like Cheerios. Well, I think you'll have to eat something besides Cheerios, since you so conveniently spilled it all over the floor," the voice said sarcastically. "I haven't seen you eat some Pop-Tarts in a while – have some!"
"Wh-wha-who are you?" I asked. I heard a gasp.
"You don't know me!?" the voice asked, shocked. "After all those Pop-Tarts, toaster-strudel and pieces of toast! Honestly, Bella, you really should know me by now."
I looked around blankly.
"Should I be calling the police?" I asked more to myself more than anyone else. I reached for the phone slowly.
"You've known me all your life, Bella – well, mainly since you moved here. And I'm really glad you did move here – I never much liked Charlie."
I could feel panic welling up inside of me.
"Who are you? I demand you tell me," I said weakly. The voice laughed for a minute.
"Fine, since you obviously don't remember me," the voice said. "Walk forward," he instructed. I did, very cautiously, of course. There was still nothing. "Closer, Bella." I obeyed.
I stopped when I reached the counter. On top of the counter was Charlie's silver toaster.
"Where are you?" I finally asked.
"Right in front of you," the voice replied.
"Behind the toaster?"
"I am the toaster."
"The toaster?" I asked, backing up a little. "What-how-huh?"
"Honestly, Bella, you should know me – I've been your toaster for almost a year," the 'toaster' said. "Why are you so freaked out?"
"Last time I checked," I said nervously, "toasters didn't talk!"
"Really, we don't like to talk a lot, Bella," the 'toaster' said. "But today I was feeling talkative. By the way, you can call me George. When will Edward be here to pick you up? And bring on the Pop-Tarts!"
I don't remember what he said next – I'd fainted.
The next thing I remember was feeling something pounding on my stomach and hearing a voice call my name – it wasn't the voice I wanted to hear, either. It belonged to 'George'.
"Bella, for God's sakes, Bella, wake up!" George called. My eyes fluttered open. I screamed as I realized 'George' was bouncing up and down – somehow, without limbs – on my stomach. "Bella! Calm down!"
George hopped back onto the counter, and then I gradually got to my feet. Was I dreaming?
My head throbbed and certain parts of my body that were bruised during my fall ached – so I couldn't be dreaming. I didn't feel physical pain in dreams.
Had someone drugged my food? Had I drugged myself and just not remembered? Had the Benadryl I'd taken last night without actually having any allergy symptoms made me delusional?
After an hour of conversing – well, trying to ignore, but being talked to anyways – with 'George', I finally concluded that I wasn't dreaming or high.
This experience too clear to be either.
"I really don't like cherry," George said as I opened a pack of cherry Pop-Tarts.
"Ok…" I said, still not able to believe this was real. I slowly put away the Pop-Tarts. "What flavor would you prefer?" I asked. "Not that you'll be eating it," I murmured.
"I like cookies and cream the best, and blueberry," George replied. "And I do eat it. I always take some off of the corner before you take it away." I bit my lip, still freaked out.
"Ok…"
I pulled out a box of blueberry Pop-Tarts and hesitantly put them in the toaster.
"So, when's Edward coming to get you in his super-fast Volvo?" George asked.
"How do you even know about Edward?" I asked, exasperated and scared.
"You always talk about him," George replied happily.
"How do you know how he drives?" I asked, remembering that I'd never said anything about Edward's Volvo.
"I've gone with you on a road-trip or two," George replied.
And that's when it went black again.
"Bella? Wake up!" George called. He was jumping on my stomach again. I groaned.
"So, my toaster is a stalker named George?" I asked.
"Who likes Pop-Tarts," George added as my Pop-Tarts popped up. They were slightly burnt, and only one came up. I'd put two in. "Sorry, I was hungry," George said when he saw that I'd noticed the absence of my second Pop-Tart.
"Great…" I mumbled. I shoved the Pop-Tart in my mouth, despite how hot it was.
"Why are you afraid of me?" George asked.
"Well, um-,"
"Hell, you hang out with vampires, and you're not the least scared. Now you meet a toaster and you freak out like a child faced with the Boogey-Man!" I laughed nervously as I reached for the phone.
"Ok… if you'll excuse me a moment," I requested. The toaster shook a little, as if to nod. I reached for the phone, dialing the number that I'd dialed so many times.
"Hello?" a musical voice asked. It was my Edward, of course.
"Edward," I said.
"Oh, hello, Bella," Edward said delightfully. "Is noon still a good time for you?"
"Edward, I have a major problem," I said, trying to remain calm.
"What is it?" he asked. He sounded concerned.
"Edward, the toaster is talking to me," I said.
"Excuse me?" Edward asked.
"The toaster is speaking to me! He says his name is George, and somehow, he knows my name!" I cried.
There was a dead silence that lasted almost a minute.
"Are… are you ok, Bella?" Edward asked.
"Yes! I'm fine – I don't know! The toaster is talking to me!" I practically yelled.
There was another silence.
"Are you sure your TV isn't on or something?" Edward asked.
"Edward! The toaster is talking to me! It also jumped on me and started moving around, and it doesn't like cherry Pop-Tarts."
"I'm on my way," he said darkly. Then he hung up, and I pressed the 'end' button on my phone.
"You hear that, George? Edward's coming to get rid of you!" I shouted into the next room.
--(())—Edward POV:
I was reaching for my jacket when I heard the phone ring.
"It's Bella," Alice immediately said without looking at the caller-ID. I nodded, pacing gracefully over to the phone.
Sure enough, it was Bella – the caller-ID read 'Swan, Charlie'.
"Hello?" I said into the phone.
"Edward," Bella immediately said.
"Oh, hello, Bella," I said. I was happy to hear her angelic voice. I hadn't heard it in so long. "Is noon still a good time for you?"
"Edward, I have a major problem," she said without answering my question. Her voice sounded almost frantic, although she seemed like she was trying to hide it. This made me nervous. Were the Volturi back in town? Were they hunting her down? Was there another vampire out to get her?
"What is it?" I asked, trying to remain calm.
"Edward, the toaster is talking to me," she said.
Had I heard that right?
"Excuse me?" I asked. Maybe there had been a problem with the phone connection or something.
"The toaster is speaking to me! He says his name is George, and somehow, he knows my name!" she cried. She definitely sounded serious – not that my Bella ever really joked about things like this.
For a while, I couldn't even find my voice.
"Alice," I finally hissed when I could speak again. She skipped to my side. "Bella thinks the toaster is talking to her – she honestly thinks that."
Alice's face morphed to show confusion.
"Is she high?" Alice whispered.
"Bella doesn't take drugs," I replied softly. It was a good thing that we could speak low enough for Bella not to hear.
"Maybe she tried them last night or this morning or something," Alice suggested quietly. "Or maybe someone drugged her."
"Who would even be interested in drugging Bella?" I whispered. "She doesn't have any enemies – well, human enemies," I said, remembering the Volturi. And the Volturi wouldn't do anything as juvenile as drugging her.
"Is she drunk?" Alice asked. I shrugged, shaking my head.
"She doesn't drink, either," I hissed in my frantic concern for Bella.
Alice bit her lip, shrugging.
"Are… are you ok, Bella?" I finally asked.
"Yes! I'm fine – I don't know! The toaster is talking to me!" she practically yelled. This was distressing her, obviously.
I couldn't understand it. What Charlie home, still? Was he talking to her? … But wouldn't Bella be able to recognize Charlie's voice?
"Are you sure your TV isn't on or something?" I asked.
"Edward! The toaster is talking to me! It also jumped on me and started moving around, and it doesn't like cherry Pop-Tarts."
It didn't make sense. Where would the voice be coming from – if there even was a voice?
"Maybe she is on drugs," Alice suggested quietly. "You should take her to Carlisle for a test." I nodded. "Or maybe there's someone else in the kitchen, and Bella thinks it's the toaster."
I hadn't thought of that – Bella could be in danger. I needed to get there quickly before whatever it was decided to spring out and attack her.
"I'm on my way," I said darkly. Then I quickly hung up and dashed to my Silver Volvo.
--(())—Bella POV:
"You hear that, George? Edward's coming to get rid of you!" I shouted into the next room.
"Why would you want to get rid of me, Bella?" George asked. "Think of all the Pop-Tarts we've made together!"
"Please stop talking to me," I begged.
"Bella,"
"Agh!"
"If I can't talk to you, who can I talk to when I'm feeling talkative? And why the hell are you afraid of toasters? You deal with vampires just fine! What, if I shine myself and make myself beautiful, will you not be afraid of me? If I threaten to suck your blood, will you not be afraid? If I take you to a meadow and sparkle, will you not be afraid!?" George demanded. I stepped into the kitchen again.
"Edward never threatened to suck my blood," I argued.
"Right, right, that was James," George recalled.
"Leave me alone!" I shouted.
"No! I love you!" George replied.
"I'm telling Edward, and he will get rid of you!!" I screamed.
"You can't! Luckily, he didn't believe you when you told him over the phone, but you can't press this concept on him," George explained.
"And why not!?" I demanded.
"Because it's technically against the rules to tell humans of our existence; the Toasturi will come and kill you."
"Who the hell are the Toasturi!?" I only cussed whenever I experienced exceptional emotion – now was one of those times.
"They live in Toasterra. The three main leaders, Taro, Tarcus and Tauis will kill you if they find out you know… unless I tell them that I'm planning on turning you into a toaster," George explained. He scooted closer to me, touching my arm.
I gasped.
"Your metal is ice cold!" I exclaimed.
"Bella, I want you to be a toaster with me – I want us to live together in perfect toaster harmony," George said, bringing his plug up slowly and lowering it slowly on my arm. "Do you want me to bite you on your arm? Or maybe your neck…" he said, raising his plug to my neck. I screamed, shoving George away. Then I ran to the dining room as the door burst open.