Looking back at my life, there are a lot of things I could – and should – have done differently. Deidara is one of them.

I can't say I have any regrets though.

I'm aware that my behavior wounded him deeply. It wounded me too. I loathed seeing him so miserable, I really did... but not getting too involved was how I chose to defend myself.

I would not allow myself to get hurt again.

I always thought that he'd pass away years before I did. Truth be told, I never really thought I'd die. True art is, after all, eternal, and I am art. I didn't want to cry when Deidara died – I'd had enough of crying when my parents passed away. I loathe my grandmother for not telling me straight away – it made it all so much harder. What she did was cruel. If it wasn't for her, I may not have ended up a criminal.

Then again, that would mean that I would have to live my life without Deidara.

I thought that if I made sure to keep away from Deidara as much as I could, I wouldn't be so hurt when he died. Instead, he has been left alone, thinking I don't care about him.

Oh, but I do.

However, I am, after all, Akasuna no Sasori. I am not known for my kindness. Truth be told, I probably couldn't have been a good boyfriend if I tried.

Boyfriend?

No. That's not what I want to be. I want to be my own, not Deidara's boyfriend. It might seem selfish... and yes. It is. I am selfish. But what does it matter now, anyway? Deidara's on his own. He's not my problem anymore. Cruel, perhaps, but we live in a cruel world. Only the strong survive. I couldn't have been strong if I was with Deidara. I believe that people who care for others are weak. I want to be as independent as the wind. Not caring about anything but myself.

And that's certainly something I couldn't have done being with Deidara.

I can't say that I don't love him; that would be a lie.

However... I have admittedly played with Deidara's feelings. Yes. That's what it was. A cruel, mindless game – enough to keep me satisfied but still not enough to make me grow too attached to my lovely partner. It had been perfect – although not from Deidara's point of view, of course.

I admit to being a heartless, selfish bastard. That's just who I am. I'm not the kind of nice guy who'd swear their everlasting love to their partner and buy them chocolate and flowers on valentine's day, you know? I find that kind of behavior utterly silly.

I really do seem like a horrible person, don't I?

Maybe I am. I don't know. But... I never did anything to hurt him. Not really. Not deliberately. I would never. I love him, after all. It's just not that easy and I think he knows that, too.

If he doesn't then there'll be a hell of a fight once he ends up here with me.

But don't you be expecting me to apologize. I'm not going to.

Even if he yells at me.

Even if he hits me.

Even if he says he hates me.

Even if he leaves and says he'll never come back.

Even if he tells me I'm an unfeeling puppet in heart and soul.

Even if he throws a fit of rage and ends up crying.

Even if he tears my heart out and breaks it into pieces the way I did his.

Even if he says he'd rather spend his afterlife with Zetsu than me.

Even if he does all that...

I'll never apologize to Deidara.

Never.

Unless he says I don't have to. Maybe then I'll apologize.