Maybe you're an alien. Yamazaki-kun and Yanagisawa-san are always yammering about them, so maybe they are real. And you're one of them. That would explain an awful lot about you, Daidouji. Just about everything, actually.

No. No, you look and act too human. You could be a robot, programmed to act just like a person, and you escaped from the lab where they built you. Hell, maybe your mom had you built. She's certainly capable of it; she owns more than just that toy company. Or maybe you were an idea for a toy, but you were so human she adopted you.

You're my friend, though, so I think I have to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are human. You just don't have any blood. That's got to be the reason. It even kind of makes sense - if you don't have any blood, then you can't blush. Damn, that doesn't work either. You have blushed, just in that weird "I'm so happy" way girls have. That's not real blushing. Real blushing is deep red agony and the urge to become a hermit.

So what's it gonna take, Daidouji? Something has to give, there's got to be something that embarrasses you. I'll find out yet.

It's not Sakura. That's all that happy blushing you do. Even when I finally realized that it was you that you were talking about when you talked about other people liking Sakura the same way I did. I called you on that, and all you did was smile. Then again, everyone loves Sakura. Just not the way you and I love her.

It's not the nickname your mother has for you. Girls never seem to mind being called "Sweetling" or "Chibi-chan" the way guys do. Probably because they're cute names and they fit cute girls. I don't know. My mother never called us by anything but our names. Of course, "Kitten" probably seems like a pretty good deal when the person calling you that answers to "Chibi pixie-chan." I'm surprised that Meiling and I lived to return to Hong Kong. If somebody called me that in front of witnesses, they'd all be toast.

Constant streams of compliments don't do it, either. Took me a while to realize that you get them by the truckload. "Talented" "pretty" "sweet" "smart" "thoughtful" – you hear those things all the time. Nobody else can take a compliment like you. Outright flattery rolls right off you, too. You didn't even have the good grace to give me your "back off or you'll find out why I am feared as well as loved" look when I started going overboard. Mihara-san had to corner me and tell me to stop hitting on my girlfriend's best friend. I blushed. You didn't. Cheater.

I haven't tried insulting you like I did Sakura. Mostly because you're my friend, and partly because you do almost everything well. You'd probably just nod and say "Yes, Li-kun, I am really bad at fill-in-the-blank. But I'll try more practice before I give up." You have no self-esteem problems, Daidouji, in either direction.

Of course, compliments and insults reminded me of Sakura. Which reminded me of love. More specifically, how damn awkward it is to tell someone how you feel about them, and how weird it is to receive that kind of attention. Thus, the unsigned love notes. Did you ever say a word about them? Oh, no. Couldn't let me know how it was going, could you? I know I don't like you that way, but writing those still made me feel shy and embarrassed. I blushed every time I wrote one. But did you? Oh, no, no, no! Not even that really passionate one could make you pink up, and I almost choked on my own tongue trying to write it. I only stopped because you were starting to give me funny looks. I bet you had them checked for fingerprints and matched against everyone in Japan.

What else embarrasses people? Puberty. But not you. Not yours, and not mine. I have four sisters. I have Meiling and my mother. I know everything it's possible to know about having a period without actually having one myself. Unlike most guys, hearing about cramps and water weight doesn't bother me. I can actually discuss, calmly and rationally, the pros and cons of tampons versus maxi-pads. Nothing can phase me. I offered you Midol in front of God and Terada, and you just beamed at me and thanked me because you'd forgotten yours at home. Even when you asked me how I knew and I told you it was because you always start giving the boys speculative looks before your period, you only laughed…laughed, you maniac…and said you'd have to try to stop being so obvious.

I tried out my own embarrassing trip through puberty on you. All those stinking changes, half of which are obvious to the entire world, all those hormones suddenly running amok. I even told you about a dream you'd been in. You said you'd take it as a compliment. A compliment! I dreamed you naked and doing things and you decided it was a form of praise! I nearly fainted telling you that, you miserable witch! You couldn't spare me a little flush? Worse! Worse, you turned around and told me it was very brave and considerate of our friendship for me to tell you that and you felt you should be just as honest as I'd been. Then you told me that I was in some of your dreams. Some. As in, more than one dream has featured naked li'l me. You're killin' me here, Daidouji.

I've even pulled out the really big guns. I talked to you about sex. Sex, Daidouji. You and I had a conversation in which the word "sex" was used, and used often. I posed hypothetical situations and asked for your thoughts. I even asked you a few questions. You've had as much sex as I've had, and I haven't come within sight of possibly having sex. Hell, the only people in this whole room who might, in some form or another, be personally be acquainted with sex are Terada and Hiiragizawa. Speaking of, I'll have to remember to warn you about him. He's been staring at you all day, every day, for awhile now. I don't like it.

Anyway, I came to you about sex. And you, you got this strange look in your eyes and invited me for tea so we could continue our conversation. What with the freaky look you gave me and the fact that you still weren't blushing, I thought maybe you were thinking about the compliments and love letters, the discussions about puberty and those damn dreams, and how they might relate to this new topic. And invited me over for tea anyway. Just me, might I add. I almost didn't go. But then I thought maybe you were embarrassed to talk about it in front of others, and if I pushed just a bit more, you'd crack.

So help me, Daidouji, if you'd opened your door with nothing but a smile on, I'd have run back to Hong Kong. I don't think China's East Sea wouldn't have slowed me down, either. But you were fully clothed. So I thought, maybe I was right about you not wanting to talk about it in public. For a moment, I knew such joy…. Then I saw your mom.

Daidouji, I got The Sex Talk from your mother. You had your mother sit me down so we could all talk about sex. Someone called Chibi pixie-chan told me – in great detail - about all the rights and responsibilities of sex. I don't think our pervert Health teacher would have said half of what she did. And even though I ended up going home with a pocket full of condoms, I wish you'd forced me to endure that earlier. It would have saved me some time and dignity. Man, no wonder you didn't turn a hair over that puberty thing. When your own mother shouts from the front door "Remember: Sex is the number one cause of pregnancy in the world. So don't have any!" to your friend at the gate, you've probably heard it all.

So where does this leave us? I'm running out of ideas. I know you can be embarrassed somehow. I know you can blush. You've been making me do it for years; there must be retribution. I'm getting desperate, Daidouji. I don't have many options left, short of getting really crude with you or copping a feel. I'm close, though, close to what can make you blush. I can feel it. You'll break soon. I will see you turn as red as I've ever been. But what? What, what, what's it gonna take, Kitten? Damn it, why won't you blush? And Hiiragizawa is playing with your hair. Forget waiting. Math be damned, some things are more important than dividing fractions.

Wide-eyed shock looks good on you, my friend. I think it's definitely a look you should wear more often.

Oh, did I surprise you, Hiiragizawa? It's about damn time, you little freak. You've been on the Payback list for a while, too. You thought I didn't notice, didn't you? Well, Mr. I-Used-to-be-Clow-Read, how does it feel to be a stuttering imbecile in front of the girl of your dreams? Well, okay, you're technically behind the girl of your dreams, but you know what I mean.

From the way it sounds when it hits the desk, Hiiragizawa's head must be hollow. He's pulled his folder over himself so I can't see his face.

Why, Daidouji, you're turning a lovely shade of pink today. From the toes up, no less. And Hiiragizawa! I may not be able to see your face, but your neck is a color that would look good on Sakura. Which is sure sign…you're blushing! You both are! I have made the Unflappable Dou burn red! I got you! I finally got you!