Just a poem that came into my head. Almost pointless, but still, gave me an emotional boost.
Disclaimer: Hey! Bet you didn't guess what happens in the next episode! Neither did I, I don't own them!
Dedications: Ma soeur, Sizzlin'-Starry-Night-sky. LOL! I didn't tell you about this! Or maybe I did…lol. Love ya lots and good luck with EVERYTHING! Sobriquet-di-Otonic-Recondite; lol I almost made you cry! Heehee! I hope this is okay! And thanks for be an antisocialate with moi! ThSamurai: You're awesome! Lol. And you're a really good friend so you need to be dedicated! :) And my new friend Alien Emerald. You go girl!
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This has never happened to me before…
I've never had someone like what my friends share.
I do not have someone to hold in my arms,
I do not have someone who needs me entirely.
So…why risk losing what couldn't be lost?
And then…I feel something strange…
There is something pulsing deep within me, as if there is an unknown
source of a confused disorientation.
Like shears or heavy piercing knives are slashing away at my soul,
leaving me in a lifeless shell with the one thing I can no longer feel;
my heart.
I thought everything was dark, like my eyes were blinding me well enough so
all I could see was useless light keeping me from true darkness.
Like there was a path before me that my soul refused me to walk upon.
A path I wanted to explore so passionately that I could almost taste it.
Why am I so consistent in thinking that the path I was currently on wasn't what I truly wanted?
I liked feeling this way, as crazy as it sounded, feeling empty inside was better than feeling emotions I endured countless times.
Something I no longer needed as a necessity… love for something other than myself.
And then I see you, as if you were some priceless artifact in a museum,
standing with sheer perfection it almost hurt to experience.
And then I started to feel something again, a throbbing ache in the hallow of my chest,
a dark pit which trapped the basic requirement for love.
Every nerve in my body began to feel numb, like burning ice coursing through my veins.
Causing every bone in my body to suddenly stop functioning all together.
The unflawed appearance of your body, moving with such grace it leaves me breathless,
The pale and solid texture of your skin I yearn to touch, just to see if you are not an apparition,
That you were staring at me, as if you were looking right into my lifeless soul.
And then you smile.
At ME.
And then it would seem as though I've died…again.
I feel like I've met him before.
As if he and I already had some unspeakable bond and that was the best thing of all .
He explains the customs I fail to understand.
He makes me smile, even when I clearly don't want to.
He always listens to me, whether I am correct or incorrect.
He
is attentive of my actions (even though it makes me feel
self-conscious)
it comforts me in ways I thought never existed.
He makes me feel like I've met
Like my long lost brother.
But something churning inside my body tells me I'm wrong; he was more than my brother.
He was the one I loved—at the realization, I stopped breathing.
LOVE?
How could I love him when I know that he is more than I could ask for?
How could I love him when I know all he thinks of me as is a sister?
How could I love him when I know there isn't a good outcome to the situation?
How could I love him when I don't want to feel that way again?
How could I love him when I fear to feel again? To be vulnerable in his presence?
How could I love him when I know that he could not possible care for me that way?
I'm an emotionless nobody, lying paralytic inside a lifeless soul.
I burst into a small case of hysterics, holding my hand tightly to my chest as if it were to explode any minute.
And then he quirks an eye-brow, "Are you okay?"
"I'm…fine."
I
lied to myself; and that's one of my best talents to date.
And,
the worst part is…I enjoy it way more than I should…
But
the truth is:
I crave to hear him say my name with the tenderness
I never allow myself to feel.
To feel the warmth radiate my heart,
regaining it's strength.
To have him look into my eyes and see
myself smiling in his eyes.
I need to hear him, as if the steely
yet lazy undertone of voice was my personal lullaby.
Sometimes I
just need to feel his arms around me, so I wrap my arms as tight as
they
can go around his waist, and his body stiffens; as if he's
afraid to be touched.
And then he returns the gesture and his
breath tickles my ear, causing me to shiver in excitement.
And
then he begins to joke around again, as if nothing happened.
But
something DID happen, something I thought I couldn't feel.
He made me feel alive.
Now I can't seem to let him escape my thoughts.
Every single waking minute of my life seems to revolve around him,
his masked eyes, and how much I desperately want to see him for who he is.
his muscular chest,
his toned arms,
his sharp jawline,
his perfect face,
and his caring, giving, loving, kind, selfless, heart.
It's not that I'm going boy crazy,
it's like
my mind
and my body
and my heart
just don't seem to agree on anything.
I know what is going to happen.
My heart will shatter right before his eyes,
and there is nothing he can do to stop it.
It's not his fault, he did nothing wrong.
I was wrong to feel like that for so long, for now I don't know how to love.
How to feel so breathless after he talks to me,
to feel weak in the knees when he touches me,
to feel emptier inside when he was gone…and…
…frightening enough…
…to feel chilling excitement throughout my body when I imagine his lips upon mine.
I look at my reflection sometimes, to see if I'M looking back, not someone else.
Before I realized I loved him, I looked dead…
and now, here I am, staring at myself,
my eyes uncharacteristically bright,
my cheeks full of color,
my body more aligned, not hunched over in fear,
and then,
the corners of my lips curved upward into a smile,
just as I think of him.
Now I'm scared. This couldn't happen…not to me…not again…
I'm watching him carefully, waiting for him to say something,
but he's not saying anything at all.
He then whispers, "We need to talk."
And my breathing ceases all together.
He's watching me, almost in awe, as the dance of rolling tears,
collide upon the broken skin of my face,
as misery combines with fears and as fears combine with the sadness,
shedding the eternity of being alone.
His arms encircle my waist, "What's wrong?"
"I'm scared."
Bewilderment struck his face, "Why?"
And through my tear filled eyes, I murmur, "I know what you are going to say."
"Then why are you scared?"
Confusion swept me and I suddenly felt like I was suffocating from the air around me.
"I don't know what will happen to me if…"
"…If what…" He pressed gently.
"…if I never see you again."
His arms tighten around me, and his breathing makes my heart beat double in speed.
"I'm not leaving" A relieved sigh escaped my lips.
"So…what are you afraid of?"
What AM I afraid of?
I'm afraid that he'll go, leaving me lifeless again.
Afraid that as arms come near me to cradle me from the unforgiven,
once close enough they disappear,
to leave me huddled in the dark,
never to come back again.
I'm afraid that once I start to feel something again,
he'll be the one in agonizing pain,
him in the pain I've once suffered.
I'm afraid of him.
I'm afraid that he is everything I want.
I'm afraid that I feel such desire for him.
I'm afraid that I love him so.
I'm afraid the lust for him to love me is uncontrolling.
And then the greatest fear of all;
I'm afraid of him loving me so unconditionally that I don't know how to return it.
"I'm afraid of you."
"ME?"
I nod solemnly
"Why do I scare you? Did I do something wrong?"
"…yes…"
"What did I do?"
"…You made me love you."
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