AN: Hello my dears! So if you've read some of my other stories you'll have realized there's a huge theme of improbability and ridiculousness in them. That theme is here as well! As you guys know - who've read my stories that is - I enjoy writing humorous stories that are really only aimed to make you guys laugh. This is going to be an eight or nine chaptered story - not quite sure on that yet - that is going to be, hopefully, just some good fun. It's mainly DHr although there are mentions of other pairings - the same as the ones in Starkers. For those of you who don't know those pairings it's Ron/Pansy, Blaise/Luna, and Harry/Ginny. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this! This chapter is realy more of a setting up although it is rather long, but then again I expect virtually every chapter to be fairly long. Despite being a short chaptered story it's probably going to be a lot of words... Anyway I'm getting off track - main message, sit back, relax, and enjoy! Laugh hopefully too. I know I'll be laughing while writing...

Muggle Camp

Chapter 1: A Dumbledore Worthy Plan

"Are they really serious -"

"Is this some kind of joke?"

"What the fuck is this?"

"Ronald!"

"What? Ouch! Watch your hand, woman!"

"Don't use that kind of language. There are little kids around!"

"Those little squirts? Oh come on, Mione, as if they haven't heard the word fuck before - OW! Alright, alright! Merlin, can't do anything around here anymore…"

Hermione Granger glared at the boy across from her, hands crossed over her chest and eyes narrowed vindictively. He glared back, one hand rubbing absentmindedly at the spot she had hit with her hand. If there was one thing he could say about his female friend besides that fact that she was frighteningly intelligent, it was that she had a rather hard slap - one that he had been on the receiving end of far too many times in his life.

"You really need to lighten up a little bit, Mione," he muttered crossly. "You'd think we were still fighting Voldemort by the way you acted."

"Ronald!" She gasped, her mouth falling open. "Don't make light of that situation like that!"

"I'm not!" He bellowed angrily, losing all patience with her. Ever since they had broken up a few months ago they had resorted back to their usual fighting. He couldn't say he had really missed that during their short month of dating, but he had found it awfully difficult at the time to keep up the appearance of a supporting boyfriend. She just aggravated him so much sometimes with her bossy ways.

She scowled at him and then turned away, sticking her pert nose in the air. He rolled his eyes, sending a quick exasperated look towards Harry who only smiled sheepishly in return.

Harry, as usual, had avoided taking any sides after their break up. In fact, he had seemed rather relieved that they weren't together anymore. Ron had briefly heard him muttering something about "just too weird…snogging each other - ugh!"

Ron personally felt he could have said the same thing in regards towards Harry and Ginny. Honestly, those two never seemed to let up on the snogging. If they weren't sucking face it was normally only because they were kissing other spots…

He shuddered. Bad imagery.

"You alright mate?" Harry asked casually, a concerned expression on his face. Ron nodded, not trusting himself to speak. No matter how much he approved of Harry and Ginny, she was still his sister. Seeing those two was occasionally just too much for his sensibilities.

"So what exactly is this anyway?" He asked when he became relatively sure his voice would be normal sounding.

Hermione glared at him another moment before turning back towards the sheet posted on their common room wall. Her eyes narrowed contemplatively as she studied it.

Attention all Gryffindor Students:

Given the events that have transpired during the past years the school has decided to host an annual Muggle Camp for one week.

The point of this camp is to help all Witches and Wizards to see and experience events that many Muggles partake in. By doing this, we hope that each one of you will come to appreciate Muggle cultures as much as you appreciate the Wizarding ones.

It is a time of rebirth for our world. Voldemort is gone and, in the hope that we can prevent something like that from happening again, we are determined that all students attending Hogwarts will come to a better understanding of Muggles and their immense value in society.

Muggle Camp will begin as of seven o'clock a.m. tomorrow morning. You will each be assigned a partner from a different House to partake in the activities with. If you are a pureblood, it is far more likely that you will be assigned with a student of a muggle background and vice versa in order to make the pairings more fair as there will be competitions taking place over which team manages to work best together in order to complete their goals. This will be graded as an assignment and all of the staff expects each student to take this camp seriously.

You will find out who your partners are in the Great Hall after your meal tonight. Please make sure to attend as you will be getting instructions on the first event you will be partaking in.

Regards,

Headmistress Minerva McGonagall

Deputy Headmaster Filius Flitwick

"How interesting," Hermione mused quietly, her brows raised slightly as she thought the idea over in her head - the more she thought of it, the better of an idea it became.

Once Harry had defeated Voldemort Hogwarts had immediately began planning for the numerous students that had missed their seventh year. Harry, Hermione, and Ron being three of those students had all agreed to go back and finish up their schooling in order to receive their N.E.W.T.s. Surprisingly, a great number of other students had returned as well, even in Slytherin.

Blaise Zabini, Pansy Parkinson, and Draco Malfoy had been among those in that particular house to return. Hermione hadn't really minded the first two, considering she didn't know them that well, but the idea of Malfoy returning had definitely put a damper on her excitement. Surprisingly though he hadn't been that bad since school started. In fact, he had even started a rather tentative friendship with Harry. He, Harry, Ron, and Blaise had all even gone to the Three Broomsticks during the last Hogsmeade trip.

Hermione shrugged, deciding not to wonder too much over the strangely evolving friendship. She supposed she should be happy that the biggest bigot she had ever had the misfortune of meeting was managing to come around. However, deciding that muggleborns were not the scum of the earth hadn't stopped him from incessantly teasing her. She scowled, thinking over their encounters since his return. He wasn't necessarily malicious in his jests, but they did irritate her none the less. He seemed to have developed a penchant for making fun of anyone she went out with, no matter who it was. Even a simple study date with a fellow male peer seemed to cause him to feel a need to taunt the boy in question to such an absurd degree that last time she had sent her famous canaries after him. Unlike Ron, however, that had not deterred Malfoy in the least.

"Git," she muttered under her breath before turning back to the boys who were staring at her curiously.

She ignored the questioning gazes and sent them a brief smile. "Looks like we're about to have a week break from classes, Ronald. You should be happy."

Ron grinned, ignoring the sarcasm in her voice. "Sweet! I'm going to go tell Dean and Seamus!" With that Ron left with a whoop and darted up the staircase.

She rolled her eyes at his antics while Harry sent her a quick grin. "I'm going to go tell Ginny," he broke in, reaching out a hand to mess up her hair before walking away.

She let out a short squeal of protest that made him laugh. Rubbing down the hair that was now worse than usual, she glared at his retreating back before yelling, "I'll get you back for that , Harry!"

He turned around to flash her another grin before pressing the notch under the first step in the stairs that allowed him to head up to the girls dorm. Within seconds he had disappeared from sight, leaving Hermione standing there with several first years surrounding her.

She smiled brightly at them before walking over towards the table where she had all her books piled. She still had loads of studying to do before their N.E.W.T.s.

"Did you see that sign?"

Draco glanced up at the boy speaking and sent him short nod. "Yeah. Muggle Camp." He couldn't quite help the snort that escaped him. "Should be loads of fun."

Blaise shrugged, taking a seat across from him and sprawling out on the couch. "I think it might be alright. Nice break from classes, anyway."

"I suppose," Draco replied somewhat skeptically. "The whole partner bit sounds annoying though."

Blaise grinned slowly, his eyes sparking with something slightly wicked as he glanced at the blonde boy across from him. "Well maybe you'll get lucky and get partnered with Granger."

Draco immediately glowered at him, ignoring the fact that a small part of him had hoped that would happen from the minute he had read that sentence. "Don't make yourself regret me saying anything to you, Blaise."

The dark-haired boy grinned charmingly. "I wouldn't dream of it."

"Good," Draco returned shortly, his tone clipped as he stood up. "I'm going to go head to dinner. You coming?"

"Of course." Blaise stood up gracefully, his movements fluid as he walked towards the portrait hole. "Let's get this show on the road, yeah?"

"Can't wait," Draco muttered sardonically, following after him. If nothing else he supposed that the muggle camp would be better than a week of school. After all, how hard could any muggle activities be?

"Excuse me students! Can I have your attention, please?"

The Great Hall slowly quieted as Professor McGonagall stood patiently, waiting for them to be silent.

Hermione reached across the table and slapped Ron's fork away, ignoring his muffled protest. She jerked her head towards McGonagall, shushing him with a finger over her lips. He glowered at her before reluctantly turning towards the Headmistress, his mouth formed into a pout.

"Thank you," Professor McGonagall began once everything was quiet. She sent them a brief smile before continuing. "I'm sure that most of you read the signs that were posted in each House's common room today, but for those few who haven't I will reiterate what was said in the letter."

She sent the few students who were looking confused stern glares before speaking. "This next week will be comprised of what we are calling Muggle Camp. Each day you will join with your partner and work through the muggle activities we assign you. Our hope," she gestured towards herself and the staff, "is that by doing this you will come to learn an appreciation for muggle customs. This will be graded at the end and the partners that managed to work the best together will receive extra credit for the class of their choosing."

Minerva smiled at the outbreak of chatter amongst the students, several beginning to look more excited at the week to come. Inwardly she imagined how Albus' eyes would have twinkled at seeing the companionable attitudes the students were displaying over something like this. She sniffed once before interrupting them to continue with her speech.

"Alright, students, quiet down please." She waited a moment until it was once again silent. "As I said before you will each be assigned partners for the week. In the next few minutes each of you will have a piece of paper appear on your plates. On that piece of paper will be the name of your partners. Those partners are not changeable and I do not want to hear even the slightest peep of protest over who your assigned one is. Is that understood?" She fixed all the students with a stern glare, her lips pursed tightly. Once she saw most look away, resignation on their faces over her seriousness she clapped her hands together.

"Excellent. Now, remember that you need to be in the Great Hall by seven a.m. tomorrow morning." She smiled briefly at them, the lines on her face relaxing. "Sleep well. You'll need it."

With that final statement, she sat down next to Filius, the two of them sharing a brief, conspiritual smile. She was definitely looking forward to this week.

Hermione waited impatiently for the note to appear on her plate. She was well aware that she was most likely going to be paired with a pureblood, but as long as it wasn't…

"No way! You're kidding me!"

She looked up abruptly to see Ron staring down at his plate - for perhaps the first time in his life - with disgust.

"What is it Ron?" She asked with concern, leaning forward a bit.

He looked up, his face pale as he grabbed a small piece of paper that was residing on his plate. "Look at this!"

She jumped back a little as he thrust the piece of parchment in her face. Narrowing her eyes, she read the words written on it.

Pansy Parkinson.

She rolled her eyes at his annoyance, shaking her head. Pansy hadn't been so bad since she came back. In fact, Hermione had studied with her in the library last weekend for a Transfiguration essay and actually got a thank you at from her at the end. Personally, she thought that despite the Slytherin girl's bluntness she was quite funny.

"Oh honestly, Ronald," she replied with annoyance, shoving the note he was still holding in front of her face out of the way. "Pansy's not that bad."

Ron gaped at her. "Not that bad? Not that bad?!"

"Here we go," Hermione muttered under her breath, glaring at Harry who was smirking. "Now I just have to wait for his face to turn - there it is... That color."

Ron's face turned a brilliant shade of red as he began to work himself into his usual spluttering rage. "She's a Slytherin and she's evil! She called me a ginger the other day!"

Hermione fake gasped, bringing a fluttering hand to her heart. "A ginger?! Are you serious? Oh my God, Harry, did you hear that?" Without waiting for an answer she continued on, her voice continually growing into one of supposed hysteria. "We should lock her in Azkaban! Who cares about the fact that your hair actually is red?"

Ginny, who was sitting to Hermione's left, snorted, sharing a quick grin with Harry. She had been rather pleased when Ron and Hermione broke up as well. She had missed their completely immature arguments.

Ron glared at Hermione, his face still flushed dangerously. "Well easy for you to say, Hermione," he spat crossly. "You're probably paired with a Hufflepuff."

Immediately Hermione's gaze snapped down towards her plate, having forgotten all about her unnamed partner during their argument. Grabbing the piece of paper she whipped it open only to read the name she had dreaded the most.

Draco Malfoy

"NO!" She screamed before she could help it, drawing the attention of nearly everyone in the Great Hall. She looked around at the many people staring at her, her face flushing as she slowly sank down into her seat.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked, leaning across the table to look at her parchment. "Who'd you get?"

Hermione wordlessly handed him the note, a solemn look on her face. Ginny snapped it from Harry before he said anything, reading over it and then laughing.

Hermione glared at her. "And just what do you think is so funny?"

Ginny snickered, looking down at the note with a grin. "You should see your face, Hermione! You look as though you're about to be led off to the gallows."

Hermione scowled. "I might as well be. I can't stand him!"

"Oh come on, Mione," Harry interjected, his voice consoling. "Draco's not that bad. We've gotten along rather well with him this year haven't we, Ron?"

Ron simply smiled, a smug look on his face. "Yeah, Mione. You shouldn't overreact so much."

A few moments later Ron found his face filled with the potatoes he had previously been eating.

Draco looked up as he heard Hermione shout "No!"

He watched with some amusement as her face flamed with embarrassment, her whole body sinking down into her seat.

And what a body it was, he thought with immense appreciation. He knew well enough that that little scene she had just had was over their being partnered together, but he, for one, was extraordinarily pleased with the results.

He couldn't exactly say when the first time was that he started liking Hermione Granger occurred. Perhaps it had been on the train when she had asked him in that rather haughty tone of hers whether or not he had seen a toad. He had been his usual rude self in reply, telling her to get lost, but she had simply glared at him before flouncing in the other direction. A small seed of something - respect, admiration, whatever - had been planted and later on only grew as he watched her in class.

Brilliant, he had thought when they were small. Absolutely brilliant even if she was utterly infuriating. He had been completely jealous that she was beating him in school, especially considering how hard he tried that first year. By second year he had been so angry with her for besting him that he had resorted to the derogatory term of mudblood. Much to his infuriation, the word hadn't even seemed to register with her. Instead she had simply continued glaring at him as if he was nothing more than an annoying bug.

Then third year had rolled around and she had given him that slap he could still remember all too vividly. He had been absolutely stunned by her and the sheer nerve she had displayed. He knew it was utterly ridiculous, but he supposed that was the point where he had began to fancy her. Apparently he was sick like that.

Fourth year she had managed to stun him yet again. It wasn't as if he thought she wasn't pretty because he had, it was just that that had never been the foremost asset she displayed. It had always been her mind and nerve that had attracted him. The Yule Ball had let him know that he was also immensely attracted to her physical aspects. He couldn't say that it had been her hair that had changed his opinion because really he enjoyed her hair the way it was. There was something amusing about the girl who had to have everything so neat having the most wild hair he had ever seen. However, having it sleeked back had given him a chance to really see her face.

She wasn't a Cho or a Ginny - not the type of girl that immediately caught your eye with a vivacious type of beauty. Rather, she had a more natural type of air, one that didn't need make-up or any type of enhancing. Her real beauty was in her eyes because her whole personality and intelligence seemed to shine through them. Alive was probably the best way to describe it.

Then there was her skin. He remembered thinking how incredibly smooth it looked, but really it was the flush that had caught him. She had just looked so happy that night - radiant, he supposed. As ridiculous as it sounded, he had felt like the moth being drawn towards the light. In that case though, he had been all too aware that if he had wandered too close, he was more than likely to have gotten zapped.

That crush had managed to carry all the way through till the point he was now at. He had never once acted on it, having far too many other issues in his life than to worry about a crush, but now that Voldemort was gone he had found himself once again drifting back towards her. He had been beyond pleased when he heard about her and Weasel's breakup, although he would never admit that, and then immensely annoyed when he noticed other guys being pleased as well. The fact that she had actually gone on several dates hadn't helped the situation either. Blaise had found his jealousy amusing, but he had only been infuriated. On some level he was aware that he had absolutely no claim what so ever on her, especially considering he had yet to relay his feelings, but the other side of him - the more dominant side - simply reacted upon seeing her with somebody else.

Needless to say she had not been pleased with his interference. In fact, he still had scratch marks from their last incident. Those damn canaries had refused to stop attacking him all day and Blaise, rather than helping him, had laughed hysterically over the whole thing. Apparently he had found the situation too amusing to stop.

Draco still owed him for that.

"Granger seems pleased," Blaise broke in, a grin on his face.

Draco looked back towards the object of his continual affections, a slow, wicked smile forming on his face as he looked at her still rosy cheeks. "Doesn't matter how she feels now," he informed Blaise smoothly. "What matters is how she feels at the end."

He stood up, grabbing an apple and flipping it up into the air before easily catching it and taking a bite. With another grin he began to saunter off, stopping at Blaise's question. "And how will she feel at the end mate?"

Draco smiled wickedly once again, turning his head back to grin at his best mate. "Pleased, Blaise. Very, very pleased."

With that he left an amused Blaise at the Slytherin table and began to walk swiftly out the hall, only to abruptly change his mind. With a smirk forming on his face he walked towards the Gryffindor table, a cocky sway in his gait.

Hermione looked up as she felt someone's presence looming over her, only to grimace with displeasure. "Malfoy," she spat as if saying an oath.

He grinned down at her. "Hermione." She glowered at that. He had taken to using her first name this year, despite a lack of permission on her part. "Seems we're partners," he drawled, spinning the apple in his hand.

She glared at him, wishing that he would leave. "I noticed."

"So I gathered," he continued, the smirk on his face growing, "based off your little temper tantrum."

Despite herself, she could feel her cheeks heating up. "Th - that wasn't about you."

His lips curved upwards, his eyes informing her that he didn't believe her, but rather than commenting he simply leaned a bit closer, placing one hand on the table to balance himself. She caught a whiff of cologne that she reluctantly admitted smelled quite nice. "Here's the thing, Hermione," he began with another charming smile that immediately made her wary. "I could really use that extra credit in another class as I'm sure you could so I was thinking a truce of sorts would benefit both of us."

Hermione studied him carefully, wondering what his motives were. She didn't really see why he would need the extra credit. She knew well enough that he was second only to her in their class, but it didn't seem completely unreasonable. Nodding, she quickly decided to agree. "Alright. A truce it is then."

"Great!" He smiled slowly again before sticking out a hand to her.

She stared at it reluctantly for a moment before reaching out to shake it. Rather than grasping it, as she had anticipated, Draco caught it swiftly and brought it up to his mouth in a motion so smooth she barely realized what he happened until her hand was laying limp at her side and Draco was walking out the door of the Great Hall.

She stared after him for a full minute, shock written all over her features before she turned back towards a snickering Ginny, an amused Harry, and a still eating Ron.

She blinked several times, feeling decidedly flustered before turning towards Ginny. "What just happened?"

Ginny grinned, reaching over to pat her on the shoulder in a comforting manner. "It seems that Draco just kissed your hand." At Hermione's blank stare she sighed. "I'm sure you'll figure it out in the end, dear."

The red-haired girl stood up, stretching her lithe body before sending Harry a smile. "You coming up to the dorms partner?"

Harry grinned, standing up as well. "Of course."

"Wait!" Hermione said, her brain suddenly kicking back into function mode. "You two are partners?"

"Yup," Harry replied, his expression cheerful. "I guess we got lucky."

Hermione and Ron both glowered at the same time, their expressions disturbingly similar. "Yeah, yeah," Ron muttered crossly. "Lucky you."

Hermione scowled, but made no comment. Why couldn't she have been partnered with Harry or even Ron?!

She glared up at the Professors, her eyes narrowing as they landed on Professor McGonagall.

Ugh.

This was going to be the worst week ever.