Disclaimer: Alas, I do not own any of these characters they are property of JK.

(Though I do claim rights to this plotline…and The Beak! )

Authors Note: Allo, I know it's been a while since I've updated anything. So I've started this one to get my juices flowing again. I had a birthday! - And I've been extremely lazy.

This adventure will result in an alternate universe named Number C (courtesy of my friend). So prepare for misadventure, comedy, and marauding mischief.

It's going to alternate between hopefully witty dialogue and the actual plot. I hope you enjoy.

Sirius Black and the Evil Dark Lord Harry Po…ederson

Prologue:

The first-year Gryffindors gathered eagerly before the hearth in the common room. Wide-eyed with anticipation they waited for Sirius Black (one of the coolest, most popular third-years) to regale them with his heroic rescue of his little brother.

Sirius Black rolled a shoulder before taking his place before the younger Gryffindors. He smirked before his audience and cleared his throat.

Putting on an affected tone he announced, "This is the tale of Sirius Black and the Evil Dasterdly Brother-napping Dark Wizard Harry Po-ederson."

The children oo-ed appreciatively and leaned forward.

"Harry Po-ederson was an evil soul with a heart full of malice. He had one arm with a hook and-"

"-no he didn't-"

"-and one eye. He had a great UGLY scar that slashed over his face-"

"-No, he didn't-"

"-And wore hideous potato sack clothing-"

"-They were just baggy Sirius-"

"Stop interrupting me James!" Sirius smoothed his hair and continued as melodramatically as ever "He was HORRID to look at. Completely revolting. The most God-awful hair and coke bottle glasses-"

Remus sniggered, "He actually looked a lot like James"

"Don't say that!"

"Stop interrupting!" Sirius re-smoothed his hair "Anyway…this hideous, malformed, wizard-reject made designs on my little brother Regulus. For weeks he malevolently schemed on how to capture the younger Black. A Big Mistake. For he underestimated the might of the boy's older, courageous, handsome, awesome-"

"-overprotective-"

"-arrogant-"

"-smothering-"

"-exaggerating-"

"-no one invited you Evans! And I'm NOT exaggerating. You don't understand!"

"Black, I was there and that's NOT what happened…and he didn't look like that"

"This is MY story. MY brother, My story. Butt out."

"Ugh, that's NOT what happened"

"Oh Lily flower-of-my-heart let him tell it his way."

"Don't call me that—and you know that didn't-"

Sirius cleared his throat loudly, "May I continue?"

"I'd rather you didn't"

"Why you-"

Remus stood up "Maybe an unbiased party should take over"

"Yeah Sir, you should let Moony tell it."

"But-but this is my-"

"You can tell about our latest prank afterward"

"But-"

"You're rotting their brains with your lies"

"God Evans, I'm just flourishing it. Not that you'd know anything about it. I read your last Transfiguration essay. Ugh, so dry it was like sandpaper on my eyes"

"What!? How? When did you? I swear Sirius Black, if you snuck into my dorm again-"

"Wait…how did you get in?"

"Later Jamesie"

"Black! You better start explaining before I hex your face off"

"Now Lils that would be a travesty of the greatest kind. Do you know how many girls would get depressed if I let you do that?"

"Now Black!"

"Get that wand out of my face! Thank you! Right, it was McGonnagall."

"What? She let you read my essay?"

"Lils, I wasn't given the choice. It was part of my last detention. Minnie's running out of lines for me to write, so now I'm grading papers…And by the way Peter, there are three different 'to's' in the English language—they're not that hard to master."

"Moving on" Remus announced loudly "The tale begins three months ago today at Platform nine-and-three quarters. It seemed like an ordinary day: fine weather, gentle clouds, soft breeze, a lovely 21 degrees Cel-"

"-are you telling a story or a weather broadcast-"

"-I'm setting the scene-"

"-well it's awful-"

"-Come on Sir, don't be sore, we'll let you tell it next time-"

"-whatever-"

"-Continuing!" Remus reiterated "Thus, no one could possibly have foreseen that a nefarious incident would soon occur."

"Nefarious?" one first-year piped up "What's that mean?"

"It means you better shut up!"

"Sirius!" the other third-years scolded.

Lily glared at the elder Black before flashing a smile to the underclassman, "It means very bad"

The little boy smiled shyly, "Oh, alright then."

Sirius rolled his eyes, "Stupid first-year."

"Sirius" Lily warned.

The elder Black scowled before turning to his mate, "You going to continue, or do you forfeit?"

Remus sighed "Anyway, one boy's chance encounter with a strange, foreign wizard would soon result in chaos, terror, adventure and teamwork for his friends and family. And here begins the tale of:

Regulus Black

The Hostage of a Dark Wizard

Chapter 1 What REALLY happened:

Smoke billowed from the Hogwarts Express as students milled about lugging trunks and kissing families farewell. September 1st had come at last--a time of amusement, reaquaintance OR dire anxiety if you happened to be a first-year.

For one first-year, this day had long been a nexus of grave worry and stress.

Regulus Arcturus Black was starting his first-year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And in a few hours he'd be sitting under the object of his dread:

The Sorting Hat

He'd been warned by everyone of the dangers of an ill-sorting. He didn't want to follow in his brother's footsteps and worse still…the fate that awaited the unsortable.

Sirius had gravely warned him about what happened to such pour souls—the hat ate them on the spot.

Regulus shivered at the thought and fiddled with his tie nervously.

"Siri?" Regulus questioned his older brother who stood nearby—staring at the passersby in boredom.

"Siri?" he shuffled closer.

"Siri?" he tugged on the elder's robe sleeve, "Siri?"

The elder boy scowled, "Don't call me that Regulus. It's so…babyish. I'm a third-year now, and I cannot be addressed like that in public—I've a reputation."

The younger Black rolled his eyes, "Sirius, why are we standing all the way over here?"

"Because I'm embarrassed to be seen with you."

Regulus glared "Then leave—you're not glued to me"

"Mum will murder me if I do."

"Yeah right, like Mum would waste that much effort on you"

Sirius spluttered for a moment before coldly replying "Fine. You know what? Fine. See ya."

With that the elder Black stalked through the crowds where he was sure he'd spotted a jubilant boy with messy black hair and spectacles.

Regulus stood awkwardly beside his trunk, watching his brother disappear into the mass of bustling students. His eyes darted about, but he couldn't see his parents anywhere. He sighed, they were probably still congratulating Narcissa on her Prefect badge. It had taken her a few years to earn one, but she merited the position for her last term at Hogwarts.

Regulus shifted from foot to foot and stepped a bit closer to his trunk. He couldn't see his family, his brother had abandoned him, and none of these people look too friendly.

He scuffed the toe of his shoe. Stupid Sirius. He'd dragged them away from the family, insisting that there something really cool to show him. When that "something" turned out to be a muggle drinking fountain that he'd already showed him last year, Regulus realized his brother just wanted to get away.

Regulus sighed and plopped down on his trunk. Great, now he was practically lost. He rested his chin in his hand and studied the crowd. It'd be awful if he had to board the train without kissing his mother goodbye. And his father wouldn't be here to help him with his trunk. Kreacher had helped pack it, so it was really heavy.

Regulus sighed again, cursing Sirius. Stupid brother. It wasn't his fault that Siri had gone and disgraced himself and now their family was ashamed to look at him. Blech! Gryffindor. Good thing he'd never be one.

People-watching was getting boring as the crowd filtered down. Most of the kids were now safely aboard the train.

He released yet another morose sigh, as he continued pitying himself. He scanned the crowd again for any sign of his parents.

It was then that he caught sight of a most peculiar character sneaking from pillar to pillar.

The man had messy black hair and round glasses. He wore black wizard robes and wouldn't have looked terribly out of place save for his paranoid behavior. He kept glancing at everyone suspiciously. Almost like he was…plotting something.

Regulus stood up uncertainly. Should he go after the man? And if he did, what about his luggage? He knew he shouldn't wander away from it—it had all his clothes and supplies…but he sort of needed his brother's help to tote it.

The man was still creeping about but he was getting further away. If he didn't go after him now he'd lose sight of him.

He glanced at the trunk one last time. Regulus Arcturus Black was etched in gold plating on the top. No one would dare steal from a Black. They were the highest family in the wizarding community and besides…anyone who tried to move it without permission or familial connection would be horribly hexed.

Now, Regulus knew he wasn't supposed to talk to strangers. And he wasn't supposed to wander away from Sirius. And he wasn't supposed to abandon his things. But…if that man was up to something and he caught him, then Siri would be impressed.

And then his brother wouldn't call him a baby anymore. And then they would be friends again, like they were before stupid James Potter stole him away.

With that decided he slipped through the remaining throng of people and towards the mysterious wizard—blissfully naïve of the chain of events that would follow.

TBC

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