Disclaimer: This author does not own Dragonball Z.

Title: Guilt

Summary: Gohan's thoughts about Goku's sacrifice as he fights to destroy Cell.

-Begin-

"Goodbye, my son."

His last words to me. I don't think I'll ever be able to erase that image from my mind. My father, appearing out of nowhere. My father, turning to smile at me. My father, saying, "I love you." My father, sacrificing himself for the world. My father, cleaning up my mess.

Bile rose in my throat. I sank to my knees, my hands finding the rough dirt and curling into fists.

My father, dying because of me.

What made it worse were the thoughts that had been forcing their way into my mind since my transformation. I had sensed the change in myself as though I were an outsider observing it. I could picture the expression on my face as I tortured the mechanical monster before me. I could see the violence and hate that I knew filled my eyes. I felt the sadistic pleasure as Cell shrieked and begged for mercy as if it belonged to someone else. I was losing myself in the power and I knew it.

This new found darkness seemed almost separate from me. It was almost as though it sensed my fear and lack of self control and twisted it. Twisted me. Bent me to its will. I had felt self indulging rage boiling up inside of me as I beat Cell back to his second incomplete form. But it was not directed at the green, quivering mass before me.

Hate more powerful than any I had ever known had exploded inside of me when my father's order to destroy Cell had reached my ears. The darkness had persuaded me that this…all of my fear, rage and hurt…was all the fault of my father.

A loud, keening noise erupted from nowhere; breaking the terrible silence that had fallen after the two of them…my father and Cell…had disappeared. It took me a moment to realize the sound was coming from me.

I pushed my face into the ground. This was where I belonged. The boy who murdered his father deserved to have his face shoved in the dirt.

I was vaguely aware that outside of my bubble of self loathing, Krillin was patting my back. Nausea washed over me. How could he, after losing his dearest friend, comfort the one responsible? Vomit began to rise to the back of my throat. This wasn't happening…

Vegeta's ki spiked. Piccolo's quickly followed. I pulled my head up from my dirty self punishment to stare at them both. They had turned away from the small circle that had formed around me while I wailed like the child I was. I could tell from their stances that something was terribly wrong…well, more wrong than what had already occurred. Krillin shifted beside me.

"Guys, what-…"

He was cut off by an enormous gust of wind. It ripped at my hair and ruined gi, actually dragging me backwards a few feet. Explosive energy came with it. Familiar, evil, terrible, vile energy.

I swallowed hard, ignoring the burning sensation it brought to my throat.

This REALLY couldn't be happening.

Laughter, high, cold and mad, erupted from behind me. From the corner of my eye I could see Krillin shaking. He fell backwards onto his behind, stuttering nonsense. I couldn't blame him. I was on the verge of a break down myself.

Cell was saying something. The roaring in my ears prevented me from hearing properly, but I wasn't complaining. I didn't want to listen to a word that came out of that mechanical freak's mouth. I could see Vegeta, Piccolo and Trunks. All three of them had genuine looks of terror on their faces. Then something moved behind me and Cell's power spiked.

I spun around in time to see the ki blast shoot passed me. I turned again, to see it skip over Piccolo, then Vegeta, and straight into the heart of…

A silence, nearly as horrible as the one before it, fell hard on our small group. Vegeta turned his head slowly to stare at his fallen son, shock contorting his facial features, giving him an almost childlike appearance. Piccolo's eyes were on me, filled with such intense worry and emotion I found myself almost unable to meet his gaze. Almost. For a moment, I stared straight into the burning expression on my mentor's face.

Suddenly the terrified silence was shattered.

Multiple people, Krillin among them, began to shout in rage and horror. I was too numb to join them. First 16, then my own father, and now Trunks. Another person I couldn't save. I felt like I was going to be sick again.

I was barely aware of Vegeta's scream of hatred and pain. I didn't even turn when he launched himself passed me, insanity sparkling in his eyes. I could barely sense his pointless assault on Cell. My eyes had unconsciously turned away from Piccolo when his attention had turned to Vegeta. And now, all I could see was Trunks' body…lying there…still…pale…dead…

I snapped back into reality when I heard Vegeta's wordless shriek stop. I rolled over onto my backside to stare at the enormous cloud of smoke that had risen where Cell had been. I looked over at the Saiyan Prince and saw the obvious agony splayed across his face. Nausea hit me again, this time like a punch in the stomach.

The dust settled quickly.

My own gasp was lost in the loud waves of protest from the others. Cell stood there, completely untouched, smiling at me in a way that made my stomach dissolve. Even though I had known Vegeta hadn't stood a chance in killing him, I at least expected some form of injury. The Saiyan Prince had thrown every last bit of ki he had into that attack. He literally had nothing left. How could it be that Cell had withstood every blow without the slightest bit of damage? It didn't make sense! And yet there he stood, as perfect as ever, his dark eyes glistening with mad triumph.

For a moment, all he did was stare at me. Then he turned to Vegeta.

"Really, Vegeta, is that all you have to offer me?"

Then he lifted his hand.

I don't know why I did it. Vegeta had never been nice to me and I had certainly never liked him. Maybe it was just the fact that I couldn't stand to have another life weighing on my conscience, even if it was for the possible five minutes I had left to live. All I knew was that one moment I was sitting there like a stupid little boy and the next I was taking the full brunt of an enormous ki blast to save Vegeta's life.

We landed hard. I was barely aware of the pain beginning to spread from my back to my shoulders. I knew that if I gave it time, it would cripple me. I forced myself to stand. I would rather die a thousand deaths than lie there and let Cell have his way with me. He wasn't taking me down without a fight.

It helped that every ounce of my being was numb, from my severely damaged arm to my once raging emotions. I couldn't feel a thing as I turned to face Cell one last time.

Vegeta made a noise that was somewhere between a groan and a cough. I glanced at him and found his eyes open and boring into mine.

"Go…Gohan. I'm…so sorry…really…"

Vegeta's apologizing? He must know that it's over.

That was when I heard it.

At first, I thought it was a hallucination. It had to be, after all I had just watched him disappear and Cell had outright said that he was dead. The android ought to know, considering the fact that he had been there. And yet the voice sounded as though it were coming from right beside me.

Son Goku told me, in a soft, fatherly tone, to use the kamehameha wave to destroy Cell.

All I could do in response was whisper, "Daddy?"

My father chuckled slightly, "Yes, son. You can do it."

But I disagreed, "I can't! I don't have anything left!"

Cell said something. Accused me of finally losing my mind. Five seconds ago I might have agreed with him. But after listening to my father tell me everything was alright and feeling that ghostly weight of a hand on my shoulder, I knew that…

It was real.

Dad was here with me.

I lifted my good arm and drew it backwards. Memories of my father teaching me to do this on the beach at the Kame House floated into my mind. I heard him sigh softly and then the feeling of a hand on my shoulder intensified.

"Here we go, son."

"Ka…"

My voice sounded terrible. Crackly and rough…almost dead. I took a deep breath and swallowed hard, trying to moisten my throat.

"Me…"

Cell realized what I was doing then. He grinned insolently and adopted a stance that mirrored mine, although he had two working hands in his. I scowled at his delight. This only made him happier.

"Finally one of you weaklings puts up a fight! Ka…me…"

I said, "Ha…" with him. His eyes were sparkling with definite madness now. My mind was whirling. This was the last chance we had. If I failed now…the Earth…the entire universe…was doomed.

"Me…"

Cell laughed slightly in the pause, "I must admit it, boy, you are one brave kid."

My father chuckled, "He's right about that. Here we go, Gohan. I know you can do it."

Stay with me.

"I planned on it."

Daddy…I'm so sorry.

"Gohan, there's nothing for you to be sorry for. Focus."

No, dad, this is all my fault.

"Gohan."

I'm sorry.

"Gohan, trust me. This is the way it was meant to be. Do it. Do it now!"

And, without hesitation, I obeyed my father's final order.

"HA!"

Cell released his blast simultaneously. They met between us, a massive explosion of energy. Wave upon wave of wind blew out from it, pushing my friends backwards. I saw, out of the corner of my eye, the humans go flying out of sight.

Our blasts were equal…for now. They pushed violently at each other, forming a seam in the massive blue sphere. I pushed as hard as I could but the mark remained in the dead center of the energy. Cell began to laugh again.

"Really, Gohan, I thought you would give me more than this!"

Then the seam began to push its way towards me.

Dad's voice sounded again, this time with a hint of urgency in it, "Come on, Gohan. You can do this!"

I struggled. Pushing the mark back was almost physically painful. And yet it was my father's will and I would die to achieve it. I had to destroy Cell. I had to do it. For my dad.

But despite my strong motivation, my strength was not limitless.

I began to crack under the pressure. The seam had hesitated for barely a second before continuing its slow migration along the blue energy towards me. Rage began to boil up inside of me again and only about a fourth of it was directed at Cell. The rest I turned on myself, trying to force some more of that "hidden energy" my dad had so much faith in out of my hands. I began to shake violently. There was no way I could sustain this effort for much longer.

Apparently my father could sense this too. There was full blown panic in his voice when he spoke again.

"Listen to me, Gohan, I want you to stop holding back for the sake of the planet!"

Holding back? I blinked and my shaking stopped momentarily as I took stock of my energy. Sure enough, I could feel some, hidden deep down inside of me. It was energy that I had definite access to. I looked up at the massive ball of energy between Cell and me. Was I really holding it back because of the planet?

I took a deep breath to respond to my father, but was distracted by another voice that came from behind me.

"I'm coming, Gohan!"

Piccolo exploded into my view, gi rippling in the wind, his burning eyes fixed on Cell. He stopped in the air a good fifteen feet from his target before unleashing a spectacular special beam cannon at point blank range. Cell shrugged it off as though it were nothing more than a fly.

"Really, Piccolo," he called, before flexing his ki and sending the Namek flying with a gust of wind. I gritted my teeth.

"Dad…I don't know if I can."

There were too many people here…too many that I cared about. I had already lost Trunks…my father…I couldn't lose my best friends. Not here, not now, not because of this monster. My father was quiet for a moment. I couldn't tell if he was actually considering my words or if he was just frustrated.

"Any damage you do can be fixed with the dragonballs," he finally called over the roar of the wind. Another energy was rapidly approaching me from behind. I looked up in time to see Krillin explode over the massive blue ball still pulsing between Cell and I. He and Piccolo, who had returned from the massive pile of debris his landing had formed, each took a side of the mechanical monster and fired their most powerful attacks.

Again, there was no effect.

Cell's laughter rang in my ears. He pushed them violently away with a mere spiking of his ki.

There was no way I could compete with this.

"Daddy…I don't have the power!"

I could picture the expression on my father's face at my response. His brow would be furrowed over narrowed, angry eyes. He would be grinding his teeth as he struggled to find words to comeback at me with. I began to shudder even worse than before.

For a few terrible seconds, I thought he wasn't going to respond.

And then he spoke in a low, comforting, loving voice.

"Yes you do, Gohan. I can feel it."

Yamcha and Tien had joined the fray. Now the four of them hovered around Cell, throwing blast after blast at him to no avail. I stared, my stomach twisting in agony at the looks of desperation on their faces. They needed me to do this. They needed me to be strong. I had already failed three of our number. I couldn't fail the rest of them too.

"Daddy…" I choked. I reached deep down into the darkest confines of my soul. I caught the energy and pulled as hard as I could, struggling with my own fear as I tugged it to the surface. Cell was laughing again, harder than ever before, at the effort of my friends.

I had to do this…

For them.

A fiery energy erupted from just beside Cell. Vegeta had appeared, pulsing with the rage of his final attack. He fired a blast so full of emotion it actually rocked the heartless android.

"You-…!"

There was actually a tiny note of worry in Cell's exclamation of anger as he aimed a small blast of ki at the Saiyan Prince. But Vegeta wasn't looking at the monster merely feet from him. His dark eyes had fastened themselves onto me. And then I knew…

It was now or never.

I could hear my scream as if from a distance. The energy erupted from me with such violence it nearly knocked me off my feet. Only the sound of my father's shout of triumph kept me upright.

Cell was screaming in agony. The sound was muffled by the pounding of my heart. I kept my eyes on the spot he had just been, watching as his outline disintegrated in the force of my energy.

It was like staring into the sun.

-Fin-

Okay…that didn't come out at all the way I expected it to. Um…well, let me explain the original idea I had for this and you can decide if it was conveyed properly or not.

I wanted to show Gohan's guilt. BUT I did not want it to be the focus. After all, there must be thousands of fics about his guilt over Goku's death. I wanted this to be more than that.

I also wanted to explore his mental state. If it sounds haphazard and random, that's what I was going for. He was experiencing severe trauma and he was an eleven year old boy. I highly doubt his thoughts would be organized during such an experience.

I didn't want him to seem too emotional, either. The last time I watched this episode, all I could think was, "He's in shock." And he was. How could he not be? So if he seems emotionally detached or constipated to you…it's intentional. I was going for MINIMAL EMOTION. The smallest amount I could get away with.

As for the writing style…it probably sucks, but I was going for less detail…it seemed to fit the situation.

So that's basically it. I mean…I don't know if I like this or not. It seems like a crappy ending to this little trilogy of mine…if you hate it, feel free to tell me. I guess I'll survive. I might write an alternate piece if enough people shit on this and replace this one. I hope it's not necessary…but I can't predict readers…I can just hope this is somewhat decent and post it.

Please read and review…but if you hate it…try not to be too harsh.