What's Up in Ohtori
by sharnii
Chapter 5: Mamiya's Papiya
SCENE 5: Early Evening. Interior. Nemuro Memorial Hall – Black Rose Elevator.
Anthy-in-Mamiya's-body sits in the Black Rose Elevator which is going down. He/She is singing the chorus of "Bed's are Burning" by Midnight Oil, with some slight improvements to the lyrics.
Mamiya: (sings out-of-tune) How can they sleep while their beds are burning! Eh heh. Heh heh heh.
Elevator stops and doors slide open to reveal a very impatient-looking Mikage.
Mikage: Where have you been?! I did the calculations over and over and I still couldn't come up with anything except that you were meant to be here five minutes ago.
Mamiya: Oh take a chill pill.
Mikage: What?
Mamiya: I said, I've been shopping. (demure smile)
Mikage: (doubtfully) You go shopping?
Mamiya: It was for our own personal seminar. I bought some props (holds up a banana, followed by a papaya).
Mikage: Let's go! (drags Mamiya down the hallway towards the bedchamber)
Mamiya: (demurely) I am your rose groom. Do with me what you will.
Mikage: Rose BRIDE, Mamiya. You know I prefer it when you use the correct terminology.
Mamiya: (smirks) But I'm a…boy.
Mikage: Yes. According to my calculations. (brandishes a ruler) But I'M the butch one in this relationship.
Mamiya: Whatever you say. By the way your hair looks lovely today.
Mikage: Really? Why thank you for noticing. I'm using a new smooth and silky conditioner, for colored and treated hair.
Mamiya: Fascinating. (flutters eyelashes) But I'm sure your hair is so naturally smooth it doesn't even need it.
Mikage: You can take some smoothness measurements for me, right after we take care of the other measurements.
They race into the bedchamber and slam the door.
Half an hour later they are lying contentedly in bed. Mikage is clearly exhausted. Mamiya is about to light up a cigarette.
Mikage: (petulantly) Do you really have to smoke? We have a limited air-supply down here.
Mamiya: It's not like it's gonna kill you.
Mikage: What?
Mamiya: I said, I'm on a diet to fit into this tiny rose groom suit, and smoking stops me from being hungry.
Mikage: Well go and smoke outside.
Grumbling, Mamiya pulls on his rose groom suit and obeys. He is leaning on the wall beside the front door of Nemuro Memorial Hall when suddenly (amazingly) who should swing by but Tenjou Utena.
Utena: Hello!
Mamiya: Shit!
Utena: What?
Mamiya: I said, hello Utena-sama. What are you doing here?
Utena: How do you know my name? And why are you calling me "sama"? And who are you?
Mamiya: Shit!
Utena: Hmm what a strange name. Sounds Indian. Say…do you know Himemiya Anthy?
Mamiya: Not so much. And I'm not Indian, thank you very much.
Utena: Sor-ry. I musta got confused by that red dot on your forehead.
Mamiya: It's a birthmark.
Utena: Oh wow. (stares at it)
Mamiya: Do you mind?
Utena: Oh, uh sorry. Hey look, here's Juri-senpai! What a strange coincidence.
Juri has (oddly enough) also been randomly walking by the front of Nemuro Memorial Hall (for the first time ever). She crosses to the pair, looking suspicious.
Utena: Juri-senpai! Hey, meet Shit-kun, from India. Shit-kun, this is Arisugawa Juri, captain of the school's fencing team and (hushed voice) a confirmed lesbian.
Mamiya: Confirmed how?
Utena: (whispers) She tried to kiss me once. (blushes) It made me feel funny in my bikeshorts.
Mamiya: (eyes Utena speculatively) Interesting.
Juri: (coldly, to Mamiya) What's your real name?
Utena: Huh?
Mamiya: It's uh…Papiya.
Juri: Hmm. Papiya-kun, you're a little young to be smoking, aren't you?
Mamiya: (blows smoke in their faces) I'm older than I look.
Juri: You look about three.
Mamiya: Smoking stunted my growth.
Utena: Oh, that's so sad!
Mamiya: Yes. (lights up another cigarette) So what are you doing here Arisugawa-senpai? This is private property.
Juri: Oh? Don't you attend Ohtori Academy?
Mamiya: I attend the Mikage Seminar. Usually about twice a night.
Juri: The Mikage Seminar? You mean the one advertised by the famous Mikage Souji?
Mamiya: That's the one.
Utena: Ooh he has hot-pink hair. Like me! He reminds me of me!
Mamiya: (looks worried) What a stupid thing to say.
Utena: What?
Mamiya: I said, his hair is only pink in certain lights. And if he uses the right conditioner.
Juri: (suspiciously) What exactly do you do in this seminar?
Mamiya: (hurriedly) Oh…I play a…supportive role. I'm Souji-sama's right-hand man.
Juri: Not his son? (Utena gasps)
Mamiya: God, I hope not.
Juri: Or his sex toy? (Utena gasps and blushes)
Mamiya: What a dirty and suspicious mind you have. Look, someone's coming.
It's Shiori! By strange coincidence she has also chosen this moment to walk past Nemuro Memorial Hall. Now she saunters over swaying her hips. Her other assets are straining against her tight blouse. In fact, her blouse is so tight that a button pops off and hits Juri in the eye.
Juri: Ow!
Shiori: (insincerely) Sorry, Juri-san! (To Mamiya) Hello there, Black Rose Bride. I may need your services again soon.
Mamiya: (coldly) Once your defeated corpse falls into its coffin and falls into hell, I'm afraid you're dead to me.
Juri: Black Rose Bride? (stares incredulously at Mamiya) This Indian midget?
Utena: What's a black rose bride?
Juri: It's just like your rose bride, Utena-kun. Only it's even more evil than that creepy Anthy-alien, if that's even possible.
Utena: How dare you say such things about Himemiya! She's an angel of light!
Juri: Maybe to an idiot.
Utena: What's that supposed to mean?!
Juri: You figure it out. Idiot.
Utena: Hey! Shut up, you…uh…um…just shut up, okay! I challenge you to a duel!
Juri: Good. I was waiting for a rematch. And I demand that they miracle-proof that stupid arena first. I'm sick of your damned cheating.
Utena: I don't cheat!
Juri: One word. Utenadios.
Utena: That's not even in my control. I can't help it if some random guy takes over my body and uses it to beat you council members silly.
Mamiya: That's right. Unexplainable sudden gender changes are nobody's fault.
Shiori: (seductively to Mamiya) Now come on, Black Rose Bride. How can I be dead? I'm standing right here. (Another button pops off her blouse to hit him in the eye)
Mamiya: Ow. Hmm, look at the time. It's time for me to change. How unfortunate.
Utena: Change into what?
Mamiya: This. (changes into naked Anthy with a loud pop)
Utena: HIMEMIYA?! (jaw drops)
Anthy: Oh well. Couldn't be helped. The secret is out. Who wants tea?
Juri: (staring) You bitch. I should have known. And just why are you naked?
Anthy: Oh that. Couldn't be helped. Where did that bridal gown get to? (looks around vacantly)
Shiori: That was kind of hot. Although I hope you're not a lesbian pervert like Juri-san, because that would be disgusting.
Utena: OMG Himemiiiiya! What does this mean?!
Anthy: Utena-sama, if you follow me right now, we are going to go and eat food. So forget about what you have just seen, and focus on the food.
Utena: (dreamily) Food…
Anthy: Too easy. (dress finally pops back onto her)
Juri: I'm making a full report of this to the student council, you evil transgendered freak. Don't think you'll get away with this black rose nonsense now.
Anthy: How nice. Be sure to say hi.
Juri: (nonplussed) Um…okay.
Anthy and Utena leave arm in arm. Utena is smiling in eager anticipation.
Utena: Bye! We're going to go and EAT!
TBC in Chapter 6: Some Eating and The Meeting