What's Up in Ohtori
by sharnii
Warning: This is a parody of that fantastically bizarre anime, Revolutionary Girl Utena. As such it contains a lot of sexual innuendo (yuri, yaoi, yummy, Akio+anything), violence, whacked-out symbolism, and evil people. But you should be used to that from the anime! There's also some swearing with the help of my symbol keys.
Disclaimer: The crazy world of RGU belongs to Chiho Saito and BePapas, I do believe. This skit is for fan fun, not for fan money.
Note: I actually love RGU and all its characters. So before you flame me for pointing out their flaws in an overstated way, remember the genre…this is parody. This is what you do in parody.
Chapter 1: Getting Up in the Observatory
SCENE 1: Morning. Interior. Chairman's Tower - The Observatory.
Akio: Good morning, Anthy-kun. (leers) How did you sleep?
Anthy: Very well thank you, Onii-sama. It was a peaceful night.
Akio: (sulkily) You're a bitch, Anthy, you know that?
Anthy: (smiles sweetly) It's a little early for the dirty talk.
Utena: (enters) Hi Akio-san. Hi Himemiya. Boy, I'm hungry.
Anthy: What a shocker.
Akio: (chuckles fondly) You're always hungry, Utena-kun.
Utena: (blushes and looks down - at Akio's larger-than-average feet) Yes, yes, I guess I am.
Akio: (stage whispers to Anthy) Did you ask her to deliver the flowers?
Anthy: (stage whispers back) Get your own dmn flowers. If I'm not getting any, you're not either.
Akio looks murderous. But since Utena has looked up from her feet and is glancing around herself with her trademark vacant stare and happy smile, he can't say anything more. He looks at Utena. He looks at Utena's feet encased in fuzzy red bedsocks. He shudders.
Akio: (in deep sexy voice) Utena-kun. I'm hungry too.
Utena: Oh, that's not good. Oi Anthy, have you made us breakfast yet? It's your sacred duty you know!
Akio: (in even deeper sexier voice) Utena-kun, I'm hungry for YOU.
Utena: Huh? (blushes)
Anthy: Onii-sama, you might want to spell this one out.
Akio: Shut up, Anthy. (Stooping down to kneel, he grabs Utena's foot-in-bedsock and starts kissing it)
Utena: (her face looks like a tomato) OMG Akio-san, what are you doing?!
Akio: (runs his hand up her calf suggestively) Isn't it obvious?
Utena: (eyes impossibly wide) You're k…k…kissing my foot!
Akio makes loud smooching noises. His hand moves up to Utena's thigh.
Utena: (hopping in place to maintain balance) But w…what about your fiancé? K…Kan…Kani? Kanel? Uh…
Anthy: (helpfully) Kanae-san.
Utena: That's the one.
Anthy: I wouldn't worry about that zombie piece of trash. (takes out tiny blonde doll in red dress and inserts pin into its head)
Utena: Um, mmm, what did you say?
Anthy: I said, may I leave quickly to prepare breakfast?
Utena: OMFG Akio is removing my sock!
Anthy: He likes it bare.
Utena falls backwards onto the couch, arms windmilling wildly.
Utena: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Anthy: I know I'm the rose bride and all, but watching this goes above and beyond the call of duty.
Utena: What's that Himeeeemiya?
Anthy: I'll just go and make us some shaved ice, Utena-slut. Be right back.
Utena: Take your time.
An hour later, Anthy enters with 2 plates of shaved ice. ChuChu is sitting in the middle of one slurping it down greedily.
Akio: (from licking between Utena's toes) Oh it's about fu(kin' time.
Utena: (disheveled and panting hard) Himemiya, not that I'm complaining, but how does making shaved ice take an hour?
Anthy: My massive chainsaw was really blunt.
Utena: That's strange.
Anthy: Yes.
Akio rises, grabs a plate desperately and sucks it down.
Akio: Better. Hmm, excuse me ladies while I go and wash out my mouth.
Anthy: You were the one who couldn't make it to second base in an hour, dearest Onii-sama.
Akio: I like to save second base for the boys, Anthy-kunt.
Utena: Hey, where's my shaved ice gone?
They all look at ChuChu carked out in the middle of Utena's empty plate.
Anthy: Oh, isn't that cute.
Utena: Cute my tight as!
Akio: Not tight enough to tempt me.
Utena: Huh?
Akio: I said, where's Anthy's plate? You can eat hers.
Utena: Oh. Er, good idea.
Anthy: I don't have a plate.
Utena: Why not?
Anthy: I don't have to eat.
Utena: (jaw drops) You don't?! OMG why not?
Anthy: Because I'm metaphorical. In some sense.
Utena: Huh?
Anthy: It will all make sense after the Duel called Resolution, also known as the Duel called Make-A-Fu(kin'-Sequel. I mean, if that duel ever takes place.
Utena: Huh?
Akio: Look on the bright side, Utena-kun. You probably won't make it past the Duel called Seduction. (smiles seductively)
Utena: There's a Duel called Seduction?
Akio: There will be, if I can ever get a night off.
TBC in Chapter 2: The Endless Hallway