Okay, to start off, I would like to apologize profusely for the fic you are or are not about to read. In fact, if you hold any sort of respect for me, and I do mean any, please turn away now. I am exhausted mentally and physically, and have been listening to Revolution Nine on repeat for like an hour. Basically, my brain is fried, and all sorts of random shit's just flying out. Hence this fic.
I was just standing around, thinking about people I know, and I was like "Yeah, I like that kid pretty well. I'd say we're friends. I don't know if he'd save me if zombies attacked or anything, but I think I can call him my friend."
…and thus this fic was born. Seriously. If you have any respect for me or my writing, PLEASE LEAVE! It's bad.
Disclaimer/Quote:
Me: There's just too much jealosity for my taste.
Elli: …
Me: …
Elli: …wow… I think you mean jealousy.
Me: Oh Jesus.
Elli: Oh my god, this is epic! I've got to write it down! … Kate, how do you spell jealousy?
Kate: G-E-L… waaaaait.
Me: OH MY GOD, WE FAIL AT LIFE!
Okay, and now for the story. If you can call it that.
All right, so the name of the game is If Zombies Attacked. We're going to pull some of our favorite witches and wizards and ask them just what they would do If Zombies Attacked Hogwarts. Including special guests Harry Potter, aka The Boy Who Lived, Oliver Wood, aka The Sexiest Keeper Alive, and Reid Garwin, aka Is Actually From The Covenant But Is Hot And Therefore Makes a Brief Appearance.
(A/N: Are you afraid yet?)
The first contestant is Collin Creevey. Collin, just what would you do If Zombies Attacked?
Collin: "Ohmygosh! Well, I suppose I would take pictures of Harry Potter saving the world. I'm always following him around, and I've always got my camera. So… yeah. I'd take pictures!" (clutching camera) "In fact, can I take a picture of you?"
No. Okay, how about… Neville. Neville, what would you do If Zombies Attacked?
Neville: "I would lead them to Greenhouse 27, of course."
Why Greenhouse 27?
Neville: "Have you ever heard of Greenhouse 27?"
No…
Neville: (smugly) "There's a reason for that. There is some scary shit in Greenhouse 27. I mean, there are plants in there that would have Voldemort running for cover. You know, if Harry hadn't whacked him already. Er, sorry for any Book Seven spoilers there. But really, if you haven't read Book Seven, you have no business reading Harry Potter Fanfics, anyway."
Good point Neville, good point. Charlie! Charlie, there you are. I've been looking all over for you! Charlie, what would you do If Zombies Attacked?
Charlie: "I reckon I'd let a few dragons loose. Dragons are good for everything. They're just a little feisty."
Just a little? Charlie, you're scarred like a bloody gladiator.
Russel Crowe: "I resent that!"
Sorry. Anyways, continuing.
Charlie: "They're not all that bad. Particularly Norberta. In fact, I think I'll bring her to visit Hagrid. You know, when we're saving Hogwarts from the zombies."
Fred: "Charlie, that is possibly the worst idea you've ever had. Freeing dragons?"
George: "I told you we experimented on him too much while he was sleeping."
Fred: "You? You wanted to keep going! It was Ginny who made us stop."
Ah, how could I forget? Fred and George.
Fred: "At your service."
George: "Seriously, we're almost like butlers. With attitude. And hotness."
I have to ask. What would you do If Zombies Attacked?
George: "Is that really a necessary question? Fred, old boy, do you think it's a necessary question?"
Fred: "By George, I don't. I think she should already know the answer. Weasley Wizard Wheezes, of course."
George: "Lots of them."
Fred: "Because we're bloody brilliant."
George: "That we are, dear brother. That we are."
Okay, thanks boys. Ginny, dear, what would you do?
Ginny: "Bat Bogey. Duh."
That's it? Just a Bat Bogey?
Ginny: "If JK didn't stress it enough, I've got a wicked bat bogey hex. And if all else fails, I'd hide behind Harry like any normal person would."
Good answer. What about you, Crabbe? Goyle?
Crabbe and Goyle: (drooling)
Fred: "They'd eat the zombies, of course!"
George: "They've proven to eat just about anything, so I figure zombies won't really be that much of a stretch, you know?"
Draco, beautiful, beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous, too-freaking-amazing-to-have-been-turned-into-such-a-coward, Draco, what would you do If Zombies Attacked?
Draco: "Well, the way I figure it, I would just stand around and be extremely sexy. Who could possibly want to destroy something this sexy?"
Who, indeed?
Draco: "If all else fails, I'll sacrifice Crabbe and Goyle and hide in the Room of Requirement. It seems to work for everyone else. But, like I said. This is only if my sexiness somehow doesn't keep the zombies from attacking me. I'm pretty sure it will, though."
Believe it or not, I agree one hundred percent. Blaise, what would you do If Zombies Attacked?
Blaise: "Psht, I'm sacrificing Draco's scrawny white arse!"
Draco: "I resent being called scrawny! Potter's the scrawny one"
Draco's massive fandom: "We resent him being called scrawny! And Potter is scrawny."
Blaise: "Fine, I'll sacrifice Slughorn's fat arse, how about that?"
Draco and fandom: "We're good with that."
Oh look, it's Lavender Brown. Lavender, I pose the question to you. What would you do If Zombies Attacked?
Lavender: "I would gaze into my crystal ball… and scream helplessly in hopes that Firenze will save me."
George: "Wow. Exactly as useless as I'd always predicted."
George, you just took the words right out of my mouth. OH MY GOD! IT'S HARRY POTTER! Harry, Harry, over here!
Reid Garwin: (appearing out of nowhere in Tyler's Hummer) "Harry Potter can kiss my ass!"
Harry… when you're done kissing Reid's ass, can I have him? Um, I mean, what would you do If Zombies Attacked?
Harry: (deadpan) "I would save the world."
But—
Harry: "No. I would save the world, while Ron and Hermione stand around and gape at my world-saving abilities. Not only would I save the world, but I would be extremely angsty while I do so. I bloody created emo, okay?"
Fred: "He's right about the emo thing."
Ron: "He's right about the gaping, too."
Hermione: "Well, I resent this!"
Good for you, Hermione!
Hermione: "I do not gape! I simply marvel in a very scholarly manner."
Oh.
Hermione: "Furthermore, had you asked me what I would do If Zombies Attacked—"
I was getting there!
Hermione: "--I would tell you not to be silly, as there is no such thing as a Zombie. It's the Incubi you have to worry about."
Oh yeah? Well you're a friggin fictional character! What do you have to say to that, missy? Huh?
Hermione: "Well, I never!"
Fred and George: "Hey Hermione, wanna get drunk and go swim with the giant squid?"
Hermione: "Eh, why not?"
All righty, then. Next up we've got Snape. Snape. Severus Snape. (Oh, Potter Puppet Pals references…) Severus, what would you do If Zombies Attacked?
Severus: "I can't believe I'm being so demoralized. First Harry-bloody-Potter names a POTTER after me, and now you're asking me if I believe in zombies."
Actually, I'm asking you what you would do If Zombies Attacked. Two totally unrelated questions.
Severus: "Of course. How utterly silly of me. Well, since the Sorcerer's Stone's been destroyed, I won't have to go save that. I guess I would get stuck evacuating students. A task, I might add, that is entirely unworthy of my time and considerable brain power."
Ah-hah. Do you know any super-evil zombie-repelling jinxes that you'd like to share?
Severus: "Why ever would I share any sort of magical knowledge with a muggle such as yourself?"
Because… I'm super cute?
Severus: "I despise cute things."
You didn't despise Lily Evans!
James: "Who's talking about Lily?"
Sirius: "James, mate, you're utterly hopeless."
Remus: "I am much more omnipotent than the two of you, and I have a feeling that he's not as hopeless as he might seem."
Ooh! Marauders! Guys, what would you do If Zombies Attacked?
James: "I would save Lily, first!"
Of course you would.
James: "And then the three of us would concoct a wicked-awesome plan to destroy them."
Sirius: "Preferably one that involves using Wormtail as a sacrifice, because we know all about him now."
Remus: "A little bloody late, don't you think?"
Lily: "I never liked him, you know."
Sirius: "Oh shut up, Lils. You were as clueless as the rest of us, and you know it."
Lily: "Okay, maybe. All I'm going to say is that If Zombies Attacked, I would be the one keeping the three of you from becoming zombie food. You can't deny that."
Remus: "She's probably right."
James: "Of course she's right! Lily is always right."
Lily: "Thanks."
Fred and George: "Wait… are you The Marauders?"
The Marauders: "…yes…"
Fred: "As in, The Marauders?"
George: "Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs?"
Sirius: "What's this about, boys?"
Fred: (wicked grin) "I think we should have a talk."
I believe that the aforementioned talk has the possibility to be the most amazing thing ever, or destroy the wizarding world forever.
Hermione: (staggers drunkenly across)
Ron: "Was that Hermione?!"
'Fraid so. Okay, moving on from that bit of epic… ness. OH SWEET LORD, IT'S CEDRIC DIGGORY AKA EDWARD I'M TOO COOL FOR THIS SHIT CULLEN!
Cedward: (dazzles)
Cedric, what would you do If Zombies Attacked?
Cedward: "Well, first I would have to make sure Bella was safe. I would leave her with the family, of course. Then I would use my wand to set up protective charms around the house…"
Cedric. Zombies.
Cedward: "Right, zombies. Well, once Bella was safe, I would single-handedly take on the zombie horde, using my vampire strength, speed, and sexiness to defeat them all in a matter of seconds, ultimately saving the day and wizardkind."
Okay, I understand that you guys are all hot, but why does everyone think that their looks would save them from zombies?
Cedward: (dazzles)
Oh, right.
Cedward: "That's basically the plan, though. I mean, while I'm at it, I guess I could convince Stephenie Meyer to rewrite Breaking Dawn, including several 2-3 page descriptions of what I look like naked and how awesome I am in bed."
Please do.
Cedward: "Oh, and I should mention that the sixth Harry Potter movie has been postponed until next summer. And my movie has been moved up to November 21. That's what they get for killing me."
Oh my god. Well, Ceddie, I'll let you get back to Bella. Dumbledore, old chap, what would you do If Zombies Attacked Hogwarts?
Dumbledore: "Well, I would ponder the situation while eating lemon drops. Once I was done pondering, I would save the school and all of its inhabitants in one fell swoop of amazingness. Then, later that night, when all was well and quiet, I would walk around outside without my clothes on."
…
Dumbledore: "Or was that too much information?"
Yeah, a little too much.
Dumbledore: "I've just been watching too many Potter Puppet Pals! They've got me just itching to disrobe!"
Seriously, please stop there.
Dumbledore: "You know, I've just realized how accurate the word disrobe is when we wizards use it. I mean, we do wear actual robes, and—"
I wasn't kidding. Stop.
Dumbledore: "No need to get your knickers in a twist."
Please, please never refer to clothing again. Ever. Ooh look, it's Oliver I-Am-The-God-Of-Sex-I-Mean-Quidditch Wood!
Oliver: (in his adorable Scottish accent) "That would be me."
Oliver, what would you do If Zombies Attacked Hogwarts?
Oliver: "Why are they attacking?"
What?
Oliver: "Why are the zombies attacking Hogwarts?"
Um…
Katie: "He's looking at this with his Quidditch brain. Ollie, they're attacking to steal all of Hogwarts' snitches—or, rather, students."
Oliver: "Oh. Okay then, I'd mount the Ravenclaw and the Hufflepuff Chasers on the forward with lots of projectiles. They're all rather quick in a darty sort of way. Good for diving in and picking the zombies off."
Er, what then?
Oliver: "Then I'd have the Slytherin Chasers and my lovely ladies come in low behind with their wands. They're much more aggressive. We'd have to use the Irish style there… bold… brazen…"
Katie: "Ol, you still with us?"
Oliver: "You know, this is making me think, if we could just adjust your right hoop shot, Kates—"
Katie: (affectionately exasperated) "Oliver!"
Oliver: "Right. Bludgers. Lots of bludgers."
All right, I think we've got time for just one more brilliant answer. We're bringing in a seriously special guest for this one, guys. Please welcome… VOLDEMORT!
Voldemort: "I can't believe this is happening to me."
Well, suck it up tough guy. Now, Voldy, what would you do If Zombies Attacked?
Voldemort: "Cheer them on. Wholeheartedly. I'd even break out pom poms."
Oh, come on.
Voldemort: "If you must know, I would take a bubble bath."
That's—did you just… did you just say bubble bath?
Voldemort: "Of course. The way I see it, If Zombies Attacked Hogwarts, then everyone's attention is on saving the little children, rather than on hunting me. Do you know how long it's been since I had a proper bubble bath? Apparently they're not good for one's Evil Image, so if everyone's focus is on Hogwarts, I can take a bubble bath with no one the wiser."
I think the only way that that statement could possibly shock me more is if you mentioned that you enjoyed listening to opera while you took bubble baths.
Voldemort: (scandalized) "Of course not! I'm more of a Backstreet Boys kind of person. They're just so catchy."
Oh sweet Merlin. I think this is a good point to leave off before something even more scarring happens.
Hermione: (runs past drunkenly, screaming the Puddlemere anthem at the top of her lungs)
Like that. Well folks, thanks for staying tuned for this episode. Now, what would you do If Zombies Attacked?
A/N: Yeah, you can't believe that just happened, can you? I apologize profusely. It's like two a.m. after a day of long band practices. Like I said, my brain's just spitting out all sorts of random shit.