(I am sitting in Beckett's office with a giant mug of expresso coffee)
Beckett walks in.
Beckett: Ah, our little prisoner. Now for your interrogation.
(I slurp down last of coffee.) OKAY!
Mercer: (grabs mug away) Crikey, what's it she's been drinkin?
Me: COFFEE! (starts bouncing up and down in seat)
Beckett: O...K. (he sits at his desk and sips his tea)
Me: (after long pause) You know what they color that stuff with, dontcha?
Beckett: Pray tell, what, oh smart one?
Me: Well, since the tea just HAS to be brown, ye ol' fuddy duddy farts figured out a way to stain it into fooling people that it's naturally that way! And they use.
Beckett: Yes?
Mercer: Yes?
Me: SHEEP'S DUNG!
(they both stare)
(Beckett slowly lowers his tea cup from his mouth)
Beckett: Your comment was not asked for.
Me: I know. I like flowers. I like red flowers and blue flowers and pink flowers and flowers that smell like candy and white flowers and orange ones and-
Beckett: CEASE AND DESIST!
Me: Okay. (starts humming)
Mercer: What is that you are humming?
Me: I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS, DEEDLY-DEE, THERE THEY ARE A-STANDING IN THE ROAD-
Beckett: Silence!
Mercer: Aye!
Me: OKAY! (starts clicking mechanical pen again...and again...and again)
Beckett: STOP IT!
Me: OKAY!
Beckett: NOW for your interrogation!
Mercer: Where are you from?
Me: A galaxy far far away.
Mercer: the truth!
Me: Okay. I'm from the magical land of pixie hyenas that have glittery pink wings and say "murf.
Mercer: BE SERIOUS!
Me: I'm from...Tibecuador!
Mercer: Is that even a country?
Beckett: I do not know.
Me: Of course it's a country! It's between Tibet and Ecuador!
Mercer: Hmmm.
Beckett: Next question please.
Mercer: all right. Why are you here?
Me: To kill you slowly and painfully, feed your bodies to a ravenous ten headed hydra, take over your empire, enslave the planet, strip the earth of its natural resources and then take my conquest to Mars with my armies of fire-breathing ninja penguins with jet packs and laser swords.
Beckett: That is nonsense!
Me: I KNOW! HA HA!
Beckett: (who is ticked) WHY ARE YOU REALLY HERE?
Me: OK! I admit it! I'm the one who assassinated King George! It was all me! And I ate his liver!
(they both stare horrified)
Beckett: You traitor!
Me: Technically that's a misnomer, because I am not a citizen of England or the Empire.
Mercer: You shall hang!
Me: OOH! I LOOVE HANGING! Always gets that crick out of my neck!
Beckett: Don't you even care that your life is in jeopardy?
Me: Well, I always feel that...when the going gets tough, you know what you gotta do?
(they both stare)
Me: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, what do we do, we swim, swim swim.
Mercer: Shut it!
(Jones comes in)
Jones: Why in blazes did ye summon me here?
Beckett: This mentally afflicted individual has not responded to our methods. Your presence may assist our progress.
Me: HI DAVY! (waves)
Jones: Good grief.
Beckett: Now tell us again...WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
Me: Boggy holler!
Mercer: I thought you said Tibecuador!
Me: BOGGY HOLLER IS IN TIBECUADOR YOU PINHEAD!
Beckett: I doubt that either of those places are real!
Me: You're right...neither of them are real...because it's all an illusion...we are locked in the Matrix.
Beckett: What is she talking about?
Me: REALITY IS FAKE! WE ARE ALL DOOOMED!
Mercer: Stop it and be serious!
Me: Ok. (frowns and looks as if I'm ill)
Beckett: What is that expression for?
Me: It's my declaration of frowardness toward all humanity. FEEL THE RUE!
Mercer: What entitles you to agitate the East India Trading Company?
Me: The Emanciperation of Constipation Proclamation!
beckett: What?
Me: AS SET FORTH BY THE KNIGHTS OF THE TRIANGULAR FOOTSTOOL!
Mercer: She IS mad!
Jones: No kidding.
Me: HI DAVY! (waves)
Beckett: SHUT UP!
Me: You hurt my feelings! (crosses arms and clams up)
Mercer: Now TALK!
Me: Okay. I like butterflies and ladybugs and dragonflies and the flies that eat poop and the little maggot worms that infest rotting corpses and those freaky scarab things from the Mummy that eat human flesh and rhinoceros beetles and stink bugs and aphids and ants and those weird things that live in the walls of my house and cicadas and cockroaches. Ooh did you know that a cockroach can live for weeks without its head and the head can live for a day without its body? Beckett: NOT THAT KIND OF TALK! I mean tell us what we WANT to know!
Me: What do you want to know?
Beckett: EVERYTHING!
Me: Okay. In the beginning was a speck. A tiny speck called Id.
Mercer: Not...more...NONSENSE!
Me: Party pooper!
Beckett: that's IT. Jones, take this female aboard the Dutchman and stick her in the wall for all I care! I GIVE UP! (runs out crying)
Mercer: Uh..yah. (runs after Beckett)
(I turn to Davy)
Me: Now you see why I said it'd be a cinch to scare them silly?
Jones: Indeed I do. (picks up coffee mug) What on earth?
Me: smiling wickedly It's expresso coffee. Want some?
(we both grin evilly)
Beckett walks in.
Beckett: Ah, our little prisoner. Now for your interrogation.
(I slurp down last of coffee.) OKAY!
Mercer: (grabs mug away) Crikey, what's it she's been drinkin?
Me: COFFEE! (starts bouncing up and down in seat)
Beckett: O...K. (he sits at his desk and sips his tea)
Me: (after long pause) You know what they color that stuff with, dontcha?
Beckett: Pray tell, what, oh smart one?
Me: Well, since the tea just HAS to be brown, ye ol' fuddy duddy farts figured out a way to stain it into fooling people that it's naturally that way! And they use.
Beckett: Yes?
Mercer: Yes?
Me: SHEEP'S DUNG!
(they both stare)
(Beckett slowly lowers his tea cup from his mouth)
Beckett: Your comment was not asked for.
Me: I know. I like flowers. I like red flowers and blue flowers and pink flowers and flowers that smell like candy and white flowers and orange ones and-
Beckett: CEASE AND DESIST!
Me: Okay. (starts humming)
Mercer: What is that you are humming?
Me: I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS, DEEDLY-DEE, THERE THEY ARE A-STANDING IN THE ROAD-
Beckett: Silence!
Mercer: Aye!
Me: OKAY! (starts clicking mechanical pen again...and again...and again)
Beckett: STOP IT!
Me: OKAY!
Beckett: NOW for your interrogation!
Mercer: Where are you from?
Me: A galaxy far far away.
Mercer: the truth!
Me: Okay. I'm from the magical land of pixie hyenas that have glittery pink wings and say "murf.
Mercer: BE SERIOUS!
Me: I'm from...Tibecuador!
Mercer: Is that even a country?
Beckett: I do not know.
Me: Of course it's a country! It's between Tibet and Ecuador!
Mercer: Hmmm.
Beckett: Next question please.
Mercer: all right. Why are you here?
Me: To kill you slowly and painfully, feed your bodies to a ravenous ten headed hydra, take over your empire, enslave the planet, strip the earth of its natural resources and then take my conquest to Mars with my armies of fire-breathing ninja penguins with jet packs and laser swords.
Beckett: That is nonsense!
Me: I KNOW! HA HA!
Beckett: (who is ticked) WHY ARE YOU REALLY HERE?
Me: OK! I admit it! I'm the one who assassinated King George! It was all me! And I ate his liver!
(they both stare horrified)
Beckett: You traitor!
Me: Technically that's a misnomer, because I am not a citizen of England or the Empire.
Mercer: You shall hang!
Me: OOH! I LOOVE HANGING! Always gets that crick out of my neck!
Beckett: Don't you even care that your life is in jeopardy?
Me: Well, I always feel that...when the going gets tough, you know what you gotta do?
(they both stare)
Me: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, what do we do, we swim, swim swim.
Mercer: Shut it!
(Jones comes in)
Jones: Why in blazes did ye summon me here?
Beckett: This mentally afflicted individual has not responded to our methods. Your presence may assist our progress.
Me: HI DAVY! (waves)
Jones: Good grief.
Beckett: Now tell us again...WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
Me: Boggy holler!
Mercer: I thought you said Tibecuador!
Me: BOGGY HOLLER IS IN TIBECUADOR YOU PINHEAD!
Beckett: I doubt that either of those places are real!
Me: You're right...neither of them are real...because it's all an illusion...we are locked in the Matrix.
Beckett: What is she talking about?
Me: REALITY IS FAKE! WE ARE ALL DOOOMED!
Mercer: Stop it and be serious!
Me: Ok. (frowns and looks as if I'm ill)
Beckett: What is that expression for?
Me: It's my declaration of frowardness toward all humanity. FEEL THE RUE!
Mercer: What entitles you to agitate the East India Trading Company?
Me: The Emanciperation of Constipation Proclamation!
beckett: What?
Me: AS SET FORTH BY THE KNIGHTS OF THE TRIANGULAR FOOTSTOOL!
Mercer: She IS mad!
Jones: No kidding.
Me: HI DAVY! (waves)
Beckett: SHUT UP!
Me: You hurt my feelings! (crosses arms and clams up)
Mercer: Now TALK!
Me: Okay. I like butterflies and ladybugs and dragonflies and the flies that eat poop and the little maggot worms that infest rotting corpses and those freaky scarab things from the Mummy that eat human flesh and rhinoceros beetles and stink bugs and aphids and ants and those weird things that live in the walls of my house and cicadas and cockroaches. Ooh did you know that a cockroach can live for weeks without its head and the head can live for a day without its body? Beckett: NOT THAT KIND OF TALK! I mean tell us what we WANT to know!
Me: What do you want to know?
Beckett: EVERYTHING!
Me: Okay. In the beginning was a speck. A tiny speck called Id.
Mercer: Not...more...NONSENSE!
Me: Party pooper!
Beckett: that's IT. Jones, take this female aboard the Dutchman and stick her in the wall for all I care! I GIVE UP! (runs out crying)
Mercer: Uh..yah. (runs after Beckett)
(I turn to Davy)
Me: Now you see why I said it'd be a cinch to scare them silly?
Jones: Indeed I do. (picks up coffee mug) What on earth?
Me: smiling wickedly It's expresso coffee. Want some?
(we both grin evilly)