Disclaimer: As always and with all fanfics, I don't own any of the characters that originated in once and again. Ed and Marshall deserve all the kudos for their creation. I am merely borrowing them, no infringements intended.
Summary: Katie is heartbroken, and a world away from everything she ever wanted. What happened to cause her heartbreak? Where's Jessie? And will she ever be whole again? Story picks up in October 2003 and follows the original timeline, events and storyline of the show. You will find out throughout the story what happened between May 2002 (Chance of a Lifetime) and October 2003.

I can't throw it away. I want to keep it forever.

The words rang in Katie's ears like the echoes of a past life. It had been so long - eighteen long months if she cared to count - and still, she was haunted by it, unable to escape from her feelings or her memories.

Katie's eyes flickered open, bringing her back to reality for a moment. She could see the light beginning to fade as dusk approached and she shivered slightly as a blanket of cold accompanied the coming darkness.

'I guess that's your cue Singer, besides you have places to be,' not that the idea of allowing herself to stay and freeze didn't hold a certain morbid fascination.

Zoning out on the roof of the Leavey Centre was something Katie had done almost daily since arriving at Georgetown this fall - she may not have left at all if it wasn't for her best friend, Tad, and his insistence that partaking in the real world was not optional.

She started the relatively short journey back to her Harbin dorm room, seemingly barely awake as she walked. She glided through Red Square, somehow achieving a state of Zen-like ignorance for the people trying to thrust flyers and petitions into her hands. It wasn't that she didn't care about the Burmese, the War, Nomadic Theatre's latest play or even gay rights; she just couldn't shake herself from this semi-conscious slumber she had found herself in since...well, since Jessie.

She remembered the last time she had felt truly awake - the wedding, when her world, and her heart, had expanded at the simple touch of the beautiful girl who had stolen her heart. Katie's lips curled into a slight smile at the memory of Jessie's hand in hers, a touch that had seemed to her to mean so many things - reassurance, love, and maybe even a hint to their future. The smile faded as an invisible clamp on her heart reminded her that, while there may have been love and reassurance in Jessie's heart, she had been wrong about the future part.

"Katie!"

Katie looked up from swiping her Go Card at the entrance to Harbin and saw Tad beckoning to her from an open elevator.

"Dinner tonight?" he questioned as she stepped inside with him. "We can go to Bangkok Bistro if you don't want to hit the dining hall - I know how much you love those crispy rolls."

Katie looked up into his smiling, eager face.

'I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for him,' she thought. 'He really is a great friend and how he has put up with me this year I'll never know.' She mirrored his eager smile a little over-eagerly; a detail not missed by Tad, and launched herself dramatically at him.

"Oh Tad, my constant provider of delicious Crispy Rolls, how could I possibly choose chicken fingers and soggy fries over my one great food love!"

She hoped her enthusiasm would keep Tad from looking at her with his patented concerned eyes and furrowed brow, at least for tonight. Tad saw straight through her put-on excitement, but decided to play along. Frankly he was glad that she was even making the effort to pretend. He knew she was far from okay, but he thought it was progress at least that she was responding to his questions and suggestions. It worried him more than he cared to admit that, for the past few months, most times when he tried to talk to his best friend, he was met with a confused look and a non-committal 'huh'.

"Great," Tad replied. "Drop your stuff off in your room and meet me back here in ten okay?"

"Tad, Tad, Tad. How can you possibly expect me to be ready in ten minutes when I need longer than that just to stare at myself in the mirror in admiration?"

Tad grinned at her, "I have faith in you Singer. 10 minutes!" he called back to her as he sprinted out of the elevator on the fourth floor.

Katie lay in bed the next morning, suffering from a mild sugar hangover thanks to the two pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream - Brownie Batter and Karamel Sutra - she had devoured after dinner with Tad. A great deal of Katie's adolescence was spent building up a superhuman tolerance to sugar and junk food, but her emotionally drained state had made her body more susceptible to external influences - two stomach bugs, a migraine a week and a head cold that wouldn't quit could attest to that.

Mornings had never been her favorite, but Katie could barely stand waking up these days. Sleep provided her a relief from the pain, which could range from a dull ache to something Katie likened to sharp daggers through her heart, and waking up definitely tended towards the latter. Burying her head in her pillow, Katie suppressed a scream, 'When am I going to be able to wake up without having to relive the realization that Jessie and I are over?' Subconsciously gripping the first present Jessie had ever given her, a very soft, white teddy she named Gifford, a sob escaped Katie's tensed body. She sobbed quietly for what could have been ten or fifteen minutes, before gradually calming down and putting up the shield that would allow her to face yet another Jessie-less day.

She glanced over at the clock, groaning as she realized that if she didn't get up, she would miss yet another class and she didn't need to be reminded that she really couldn't afford to do that. Her roommate's book bag was gone, as it usually was by the time Katie entered the conscious world each morning. It occurred to Katie for the umpteenth time that she probably wasn't a very good roommate - she knew her relentless depression would tend towards annoying for anyone other than her best friend. 'Hell it probably annoys him too. I even annoy myself,' Katie thought.

She let her mind run through the very small list of things she knew about her roommate. 18-year-old Chelsea came to Georgetown via a somewhat wealthy family in Massachusetts. From that point, Katie knew it would get hazy and she felt so bad she almost swore on the spot she would try to be a better roommate. As she climbed down from the top bunk, she caught a glimpse of a photo of Chelsea with two slightly younger girls, who looked just like her. 'Oh yeah, that's right, she has two younger sisters and I think that her mom might be a school teacher.'

As Katie looked back at the photo for a few moments longer, she felt a small pang. Chelsea and her sisters were smiling and laughing with each other, like they were in on some personal joke, looking like they...well, looking like they belonged. Katie had always wondered what her life would have been like if she'd had a sister, or sisters, instead of her brothers. Not that she didn't love them, but she was closer to Tad than she ever was to them, and it wasn't until Jessie that she'd found somewhere she belonged.

Sighing softly, Katie shook herself and kicked into gear. She quickly changed into jeans and a sweatshirt - thanking her stars again that she is a night-time showerer, because otherwise this five-minute escape just would not be possible - and grabbed her bag to head to yet another long day of classes.