Inferno winced, remembering the vicious language Ratchet had used, making Red Alert decide that going to the security room might not be the best idea for the next few cycles. And then a human whom Inferno knew well from working closely with putting out fires had called, asking for a favor.
"So, vacation?"
"Support for a human friend whose creators died."
Prowl nodded, and placed the pass on the desktop. "Clearance for a single human day. If you are not back or have not checked in by then, I will volunteer you for Wheeljacks and Perceptors experiments."
Inferno looked at Prowl, surprised. "That isn't the usual threat."
"I decided to switch over to a more meaningful threat." Prowl replied calmly.
Inferno hesitated for a moment, before shrugging. "Alright. See ya in a few orns."
0o0o0o0o0o00o
Red Alert lay on his berth, bored out of his mind. He had long ago run out of conspiracy theories to keep himself a mused, and all of his literary pads had been destroyed when the Ark had crashed into the mountain.
His comm. link crackled to life, and Infernos small voice asked, "Red? Can ya hear me?"
"Inferno? Ah, it is about time for you to be getting back."
"I'm outside of the Ark now…." Inferno hesitated, and Red Alert tensed. Something was bothering Inferno. "How many mechs are aboard the Ark?"
"Optimus Prime took most of them out to head off an attack over in Seattle. Why, what's the matter Inferno?"
"Is their some way for me to get to the washracks before anyone sees me?" Inferno asked plaintively. "I really, really don't want anyone to see me."
Red Alert thought for a moment, and at last nodded. Quickly he verbalized, realizing that Inferno couldn't see the nod. "Yes, there is a way. I'll come out and get you in about a breem. Where are you exactly?"
"Just outside of the Arks door camera Red." Inferno said softly. "Just outta sight."
Red Alert shut off the comm. link with a snap and strode out of the room.
0o0o0o0o0o0
A breem later Red Alert was strolling out to Inferno, and he waved. "Inferno, come on in."
Their was a moment, and then Inferno emerged from his hiding place. And Red Alert gawked.
Inferno looked horrible. Still wet cement clung to his paint job, along with what looked like branches to a tree, silt, tar…. "What happened?" Red Alert shrieked. "Was it an attack?"
Inferno hastened to reassure Red Alert, "It wasn't an attack or anything. I fell."
Red Alert shook his head, and took Inferno by the arm, wincing as his fingers came into contact with the tar. "Ok, let's get you to the washracks and see about cleaning you up."
0o0o0o0o0o0o00
Inferno sighed gratefully as the hot water poured down on top of him. Red Alert picked up a washcloth, and gestured. "Sit down and I'll start scrubbing."
Inferno sat on the floor, picking half-heartedly at himself, and Red Alert quickly scolded, "Stop moving about! Now, how did you fall into wet cement and a tar pit at the same time?"
"Oh, it wasn't anything like that." Inferno said softly. "The cement truck and the tar truck which was working nearby got crushed."
"What?"
'I was at the grave of a friends creators, when a tree fell, slammed down into the tar and cement trucks which were working nearby, and they burst-"
Inferno yelped as Red Alert touched a sensitive wire. Red Alert pulled back, "I see."
"Yep,"
"And the tree branches?" Red Alert asked, looking at him oddly.
"Oh, the tree fell on me as well. It was originally falling on top of the humans, but I couldn't let them get squished after I saved one from the river, and nearly drowned-"
Red Alerts hands stilled, but Inferno rambled onwards, "-So I simply tackled the tree, and fell on top of the cement truck accidentally as the tree hit the tar truck, and rolled a little in both, oh, ouch, I think I got a splinter in that tube Red, get it out?"
Red Alert shook his head as he pulled out the foot long sliver of wood in one of Infernos tubing. "And?"
"And what?"
"What was that about getting drowned?"
"Well, after I had located the cows, they were grazing by the river, you know, the one swollen with all of the recent rain? Yeah, that one. I found the cows, and called the humans into helping me round them up, and we got them all together, when one of those dogs that got loose started to charge a human in particular, wanting to play with them, they got too close to the river-edge, I took a step forward to warn them when the entire bank crumbled, I jumped in after them, caught them and the dog after they insisted, and got swept downstream for a good couple of yards, before managing to get out, and made the humans promise not to play with matches-"
"Wait! Wait a moment Inferno." Red Alert said, holding up his hands. "That makes no sense. What's this about cows? Or dogs for that matter?"
"Well-" Inferno said thoughtfully, "Just before the human graffitied me-"
"Wait, graffiti?"
Red Alert stared at Inferno confused. "Inferno, please. Start from the beginning. What in Primus's name happened out there?"
Inferno flicked on his vocalizer to tell Red Alert, when the wash rack room slid open. Jazz, Sideswipe, Optimus Prime, Prowl, and Ironhide came in, all fresh from the mission out to Seattle.
All had several dents, but were in good condition. Red Alert was quickly freezing up, and Inferno called out cheerily, "Hello Prime, got back from the mission already?"
Primes head turned, and the entire group stopped dead at the sight of Infenro. "Inferno, what the slag happened to ya?" Ironhide demanded, first to recover.
Sideswipe chimed in, "Really, you look like my brother after he tried decorating the Christmas Tree one year."
"You mean when someone rigged up the tree to fall on top of whoever was the first to try to put on an ornament, and the resulting mess almost made me ban Christmas from the Ark for the next two years?" Prowl asked icily, recovering his composure.
Sideswipe winced as he and Jazz traded looks. "Yeah. That one."
Red Alert with a quick tug, managed to pull out a two foot branch embedded in Infernos back. Inferno sighed in relief, prodding the joint he bent it a few times, trying to make sure it still worked.
"What happened to you Inferno?" Prowl asked, repeating what was on everyone's CPUs. "When you left you only mentioned going to a grave. I was not aware of anything major going on in that area."
Inferno cleared his vocalizer awkwardly. "Well, I left base, and I picked up the human, whose name is Michael by the way, and I was driving him to the wake, when we got a call that a place was burning down, so we went to go help out. We got their, and were putting out the fire, when an entire heard of cows stampeded us-"
"Cows?"
"Oh, yeah, we were in a barn. Anyways, a heard of cows stampeded us, and Michael was on my ladder, so I couldn't move-"
"If it was a barn, then why was he on your ladder?"
"He was getting the cat!"
Prowl fell silent with an unsatisfied expression as Jazz hurriedly quieted him. Jazz was eager to hear more.
"Let's see, the cows were stampeding, and a couple of them tried to gouge me, but I didn't do anything, and let Michael get the cat, and climb down, but then I drove off to the side. Right after that the family who owned the cows told us to follow the cows, and wouldn't take no for an answer, they just grabbed Michael and took off with him, and so I went after them, and the cows knocked over a car, and then the dogs got loose and began chasing the cat-"
"When did the cat come back into this? How could they chase the cat anyways? Where did dogs get into this?"
"Well, the families five-year-old son let them out of the pounds car, and Michael dropped the cat after it began clawing at them. And so the dogs went after the cat, and the pound manager demanded that we help round them up as well, but we told them that we were only looking for the cows."
Inferno yelped as Red Alert began to scrub determinedly, and Optimus Prime said slowly, "Go on, if theirs more."
"Oh yeah, lots more." Inferno said weakly. "Well, I drove around for a little, attempting to pick up their tracks, when Michael said that I should use my scanners, and I agreed. So I pulled off to the side of the road and was using my scanners, when…." Inferno blushed suddenly, and Red Alert paused as he managed to scrape off enough tar to reveal something.
"Inferno-" Prime said, warningly.
Inferno said quickly, "A group of teenaged human organics were joyriding, and since I wasn't paying attention, they started to graffiti me before I could stop them!"
"What?!"
Judging from Sideswipes, Jazzs, and Ironhides furious expressions, Inferno guessed that there were going to be a very sorry bunch of humans in another week or so. "They did WHAT to you?"
"Michael told me, and I managed to stop it before too long." Inferno said uncomfortably.
"I want a full report on how these humans looked like on my desk in a breem after you get out of here." Prowl said less then amused. Here they were, risking their lives to keep Decepticons from killing them, and they were graffiting them.
Prime nodded, and Jazzs fingers twitched. Red Alert scowled at Jazz and Sideswipe. "You two are not to hurt humans-"
"You're still saying that?" Jazz said, exasperated.
"I only said hurt, not scaring." Red Alert replied primly, optics traveling back down to the tar and cement mixture that covered Inferno. "This is officially off the record, but I want a recording."
"Got it. But you have to give us something in turn."
"Deal. I'll give you one of Ratchets… no, how about Huffers blackmail pads." Red Alert said thoughtfully.
"Red Alert-" Prowl said warningly.
Prime shook his head. "Enough, all of you! Before you say something that I cannot ignore as a commander."
Silence fell across the group, and Prime took a deep breath. Remember, as soon as you win this war, you'll never have to see them again. Until then, deal with them like you would with Sparklings.
Fully steeled, Prime onlined his optics. Jazz and Sideswipe were standing perfectly still in the way of someone exchanging private conversation over a comm. link. "Inferno, did anything happen after that?"
"Nah, except for falling into the river and the cement and everything, nothing much."
"River?"
"Yeah, I managed to locate the cows, and we called the family into helping us round them up, and after we had done so, I noticed that Michael was too close to the stream, so I was about to warn him to look out, when the cat came running up, followed by all the dogs and jumped into his arms and up into a tree. The dogs scattered the cows as they chased the cat, and they knocked into Michael, sending both closer to the bank, where it crumbled. So I went in after them. I grabbed Michael, and saved the dog, after he told me too, but I got swept downriver a few good yards-"
A fish flopped out from Infernos armor, as all of the Autobots stared at it. "What the slag?" Inferno said, stunned. Red Alert held the piece of Infernos armor in his hands, and he was staring down at the fish. "Is it still alive?"
Prowl scanned it, and then shook his head. "No. It's not. It died awhile back."
"No wonder Michael complained about the smell of wet fish!" Inferno said, "I wonder why my self-diagnostic scan didn't find it?"
"It was in a small clear area." Red Alert at last said, shaking himself out of his surprise. "But still-"
Jazz picked up the fish, his olfactory unit twitching at the putrid smell. "Should we give it to Hound? He might know what to do with it."
"Either him, Beachcomber, or Seaspray." Prowl confirmed. "They would have the best idea or how to properly dispose of it."
Jazz nodded, and then placed the fish to one side. "Go on-" he prompted.
"Where was I?" Inferno asked blankly for a moment, and then shook his head. "That's right, just after dragging myself and Michael outta the river, we finally got to get to the grave. And we found out that a road paving and some land clearing was going on at the same time to expand the cemetery."
"So, someone was cutting down trees?"
"Yep. To make room for a couple of new graves that would be needed sometime soon." Inferno confirmed, nodding. "The lumberjack was working away, and we were all a good distance away, but it fell before it was supposed to-"
"How?" Prowl demanded.
"It was rotten on one side! Anyways, it started falling towards the grave. I wasn't about to let everyone get crushed, so I diverted the trunk falling onto the road building, and nearly got crushed for my efforts. I did get covered-"
"We can see that Inferno. Is their anything else that you might want to tell us?"
"No sir." Inferno said, and flinched as Red Alert stripped away a long peel of paint from off his armor. "Red!"
"Hold still Inferno! You're going have to get another paintjob after this." Red Alert grumbled, staring down at Inferno. "Now, hold still-"
Prime and the rest of the mechs separated, listening to Inferno and Red Alert talk softly, Red Alert grunting as he managed to at last clean up Inferno.
At the price of his paintjob. Inferno sighed, saying mournfully, "I don't feel right."
"Inferno, just wait for another cycle for Ratchet to repair all of the mechs in the medical ward and for him to get a little rest. Then you can go ahead and see him."
"So, Inferno, whatever did you learn today?" Red Alert asked dryly.
"Not to make Michael mad." Inferno said thoughtfully. "The way he threw that cat after he got his hands on it, shouting about how it was all the cats fault for making him late and in such bad condition was surprising."
SsSsSsSssSsSsSssS
Ok, I have a couple of requests waiting in the wings, and I'll get to you, but I just needed pure silliness. And this was something I just couldn't resist.