DISCLAIMER: Capcom's. Using for the lulz.
NOTES: Written for the Phoenix Wright Kink Meme. Less crack more humor. I think I have a thing for these "PW characters shop for -blank-" prompts.
PROMPT: So, this anon sees Phoenix as a father/uncle figure for Maya and Pearl.
Well, seeing how small Pearl is, I want a fic (or possibly art?) of them in the near future (I suppose before Phoenix looses his badge), and Phoenix has to help Pearl shop for training bras because Maya is busy/just can't for some unknown reason.
I'm looking more for a crack, but whatever comes to mind, anon, just flow with it

——

"Pearly, I have to go to Hazakura Temple for the next couple weeks," Maya said, hanging up the telephone. "They're doing this extended seminar on channeling or something, and they want me there as a guest speaker, perform a little…"

"But… you promised!"

"I'm sorry, Pearly, but you know I've gotta do this stuff now," she explained. "It's a part of the biz!"

Pearl looked at her cousin and frowned, hands on her hips. "Then who's going to take me!?"

"Can't it wait 'til I get back?" she asked hopefully.

"Mystic Maya…" Pearl shuffled her feet. She knew she sounded spoiled, but she couldn't help it. She needed to go buy one, and soon; she was 11 now, and she wasn't getting any smaller (unlike her acolyte's robes, it seemed).

Maya sighed as she crossed her arms, lips in a thin line of concentration. She was a woman—she understood Pearl's plight. She could see Pearl's plight… but in her position she had obligations that unfortunately overrode promises made and even the needs of family. It was unfair to her, to Pearl, to all of those in the Fey bloodline, really, but it couldn't be helped.

Finally, an idea struck. "Say, Pearly… if I can get Nick to do it, will you go with him?"

"Oh!" Pearl clapped her hands excitedly and nodded, "You're so smart, Mystic Maya! Of course! He'd do anything for you!"

--

Why did I agree to this?

"Mr. Nick, come on!"

Phoenix shuffled into the department store with Pearl leading him by the hand. He glanced at the other customers in the store, noting that no one was staring at them—rather, at him. Although he really was nothing more than a father figure to Pearl, they looked nothing alike and he didn't want people to get the wrong idea, especially considering the department they were heading to.

I'm just over-thinking this, Phoenix's inner voice muttered. No one thinks I'm some pervert…

"The bras are over here, Mr. Nick!"

That earned him several disapproving glances. Phoenix cringed, though he had no choice but to shrug it off. It wasn't as if he was in here for himself…

"Not so loud, Pearls," Phoenix said, struggling to catch up to her. "Please? For my sanity."

"I'm just excited," Pearl replied, sandals clacking loudly against the hard linoleum floor as she trotted along. "I'm becoming a woman!"

More of the glances. Phoenix blushed.

Pearl nearly squealed in delight when they stepped into the lingerie department. "There are so many colors! Oh, these are so pretty!"

If Pearl wasn't so enthusiastic about her choices, Phoenix reckoned he wouldn't have been so embarrassed over the situation. He'd been out shopping like this with a former girlfriend, after all. Of course, the girlfriend hadn't been a prepubescent little girl whom he thought of as something akin to family, but that was a whole different story.

"Umm…"

Phoenix looked over at Pearl, who now seemed at a loss, standing among the racks with her thumb pressed to her lip.

"What's wrong, Pearls?"

"…what are these letters for?"

"Uh. T-they're… for the cups…"

Wrinkling her nose, Pearl asked, "'Cups'?"

"Did Maya explain anything at all to you, Pearls?" Phoenix asked, feeling increasingly uncomfortable. He knew some things about bras, but to be honest, breasts were not his forte and he didn't think ogling the nice ones counted towards his knowledge.

"Nope. Mystic Maya said she would tell me everything when we went shopping…"

Great, just great… "Um. Okay, so… cups are, uh… what your you-knows go in…" he mumbled, trailing off towards the end.

"I see…" Pearl looked down at her chest then up to the racks. "What letter am I, Mr. Nick?"

Phoenix glanced down for the slightest moment, then promptly turned his eyes away. "Uhm… A? Probably less… I dunno…"

"Oh! Why is a '36D' so big?" Pearl asked, holding a lacy, flame-red, overly padded bra in said size up high. "Do women really need them in this size?"

Phoenix pressed his lips together. 'Ask Maya to channel your cousin Mia one day, you'll see' didn't seem like a very appropriate response to the innocent question. "Y-yeah, some of them do…"

"'Deedee's are even bigger!"

"'Double D's'," Phoenix corrected. "Let's go look in a different section, okay? Or find a saleswoman—"

"I bet I could wear double D's as a hat. Mr. Nick, look at them! They're huge!!"

"Pearls," Phoenix pleaded, putting on his best "she didn't mean your boobs, ma'am" face for a rather large-breasted customer nearby. "Please…"

Pearl obediently took Phoenix's hand and wandered with him over to a section with less risqué brassieres. Phoenix hoped a saleswoman would come to the rescue; the longer he stayed in the store, the more he knew he wasn't cut out to pick out bras with young girls. Already Phoenix was dreading the day when Trucy decided she needed one as well.

It wasn't much consolation, but at least then he'd be prepared mentally, if nothing else. If I can't con Maya into taking her…

"Let's find a saleslady," Phoenix said, "I don't think I can do any more than chaperone…"

Pearl put up only a little fuss at first, stating that she wanted it to be just the two of them like it would have if she'd gone with Maya, but finally caved in after Phoenix promised to take her out for strawberry sundaes afterwards.

"Hey there, cutie! You need some help?" a pretty saleswoman asked, bending to Pearl's level. Phoenix tried to keep his eyes away from the cleavage she practically flaunted.

"She needs a training bra," Phoenix explained, patting Pearl on the head.

The saleswoman smiled up at Phoenix. "Ah, and Daddy doesn't know how to go about picking one?" she teased with a playful wink.

"Mr. Nick is not my daddy!" Pearl exclaimed, defensive, "And he's Mystic Maya's special someone! Don't flirt with him!"

Phoenix scratched the back of his head, smiling at the saleswoman, who looked positively taken aback by the outburst. "P-Pearls…"

"Honey, this man's not my type, don't worry."

Goodbye, ego.

Pearl frowned. "Why not? He's a very nice man! So what if he's a little scruffy!?"

"Pearls, please…"

"'So what'!? I'm not into scruffy!!" the saleswoman shot back.

"And he's not into bimbos, so there!"

"Who're you calling a bimbo, Pretzel-Head!?"

Phoenix wondered if the woman realized she was insulting a girl who was only 11-years old. He turned around and began to drag Pearl away before she decided that punching the saleswoman would be a good idea.

"Oh, running away!?" the saleswoman taunted, "What are you, scared!?"

Pearl flailed, actually managing to escape Phoenix's grasp before he picked her up and slung her over his shoulder. Kicking and screaming, Pearl kept yelling, "Let me go!!" at the top of her lungs.

Now I look like some kind of kidnapper, Phoenix thought. Fantastic…

"If I put you down, will you promise not to go back and attack the nice lady?"

"She was not nice!" Pearl objected, "I ought to go give her a piece of my mind—!"

Phoenix sighed, ignoring the shoppers who stared at him and Pearl, at the same time hoping none of them would call the police on him. Getting arrested because of a simple misunderstanding—okay, maybe if he explained who he was with, why he was there and what happened it wouldn't sound so simple—would make the whole day even more humiliating.

Back at the lingerie department, Phoenix set Pearl back on her feet. A deep frown was etched into her face, but otherwise she was fine. Or so it seemed—she didn't try to dart away from him in favor of beating up the saleswoman, so Phoenix took that as a good sign.

"Okay. Now. You and me, Pearls." He put his hands on her shoulders. "We're gonna get through this. I will find you a bra if it's the last thing I do."

Phoenix let the whispers of "What a pervert!" from a pair of teen girls within earshot roll off his back.

"Yes, Mr. Nick!" Pearl gained a look of fierce concentration and stared at him, fists in front of her determinedly. As sudden as it came, her determined front fell flat on its face. "Oh… are those what I need?"

Phoenix turned to face a rack full of small bras with little cups and dolled up in cute ribbons, all of them tagged with the label 'TRAINER BRA'.

"…these things are really small," Phoenix remarked, plucking one from the rack. Pearl snagged it from him.

"You're so cruel! I'm still growing!!"

"No! I meant around, not the…!"

"Just you wait! I'll be in that hat-bra one day!"

He sighed heavily and shook his head. Definitely no bra-shopping with Trucy. Maya seriously owed him for this. "Come on, Pearls. Let's go to the dressing room…"

As he was instructed, Phoenix stayed away from the female attendant at the door of the dressing room and waited for Pearl to try on her bra.

Then what he feared most happened:

"Mr. Nick, does this fit right?"

Phoenix spared himself a moment's embarrassment before peeking in at Pearl. "Um… I guess?"

"But the cup things are a little loose—"

"You'll grow into them," Phoenix said quickly, turning back. "Let's go!"

"But the dressing room door has a bra guide and it says if I bounce when I jump—"

"You can put tissues in to fill the rest. Let's go!"

"But Mr. Nick, when I raise my arms my you-knows—"

"Okay, we'll get you the smaller size. Let's go!"

That did the trick. Pearl shuffled back into the dressing room. While she was changing, Phoenix went to get the next smallest size from the rack. More "pervert" comments were made as he walked back towards the dressing room carrying a very small bra.

Naturally he received a severe tongue-lashing when he returned after Pearl was finished. Phoenix got smacked around a bit, but getting smacked by an 11-year old girl was less embarrassing than shopping for bras with her.

At the register, Pearl and Phoenix both looked at each other expectantly once the cashier rang up the purchase.

"Well?"

"Well what?" Pearl asked innocently.

"D-did Maya give you money for this?"

"Ah, she offered but I said no…" Dreamily, Pearl went on, "Since you'd do anything for Mystic Maya, I thought you wouldn't mind buying it for me instead of having her pay…"

Phoenix pulled out his poor wallet, taking the last 20-dollar note from its depths. "Maya, you owe me big for all this…"