Toilet

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…thank god.

A/N: Hey y'all! I'm back from my (insert number here)-month long sabbatical! Yeah, I know I take a lot of these, but it just raises the suspense. I figure with the Twilight movie being out, I should put up a new chapter. While I'm here, time for some self-advertisement, yay! I have a YouTube channel where I've put up some Twilight parodies. If you guys want to check that out, the channel is called Sparrabeth Productions. Tell your friends! So here we go, chapter 5.

Chapter 5

Still starry-eyed from sniffing Edward, I arrived at English class in a daze. I was miffed; at first I thought that nobody was paying attention to me. After about 45 minutes of hair flicking and grinning at everybody, the bell rang. I was very happy to discover that the golden retriever and stalker nerd boy (also known as Eric) were following me as I left the classroom.

As I arrived at the lunchroom, I was almost floored by the general vapidity in the area. A ray of sunshine seemed to glow over Edward's Adonis-like face. No, calling him Adonis was an insult to his perfection. He had the face of a god. Stumbling into a seat next to vapid girls 1-3, I twirled my lemonade straw as they gossiped about the dance. I didn't care; I'd be with Eddy-kins at that point in time.

"Edward Cullen is staring at you," Vapid Girl 2 said. I whirled around, almost flying off my cafeteria seat. I gripped it, imagining Edward's disdain if I made a fool of myself. He beckoned to me with a come-hither look.

"Later," I chirruped, grabbing my books and soaking in the jealous looks of every girl in the room. I sat down next to Edward, disbelieving that he wanted me near him. I'm so average looking. Seriously. Why does everybody like me? He's a god, so perfect that I can't describe him beyond his hair and eye color, so you can come up with your own perfect picture of him. Just imagine perfect: there he is.

"Well," I croaked.

"Your friends look jealous of me," he musically said. His breath smelled like daffodils.

"Yeah, I know," I said.

"I'm not going to let you go back," he remarked, brushing back a gorgeous lock of auburn hair from his golden eyes. "I'm going to eat you, cause I'm a vampire…wait, no. Not that, I—uh—look over there!"

I couldn't drag my eyes away from him. "You know…"

"What?" he whispered, his voice like velvet as he pulled his face close to mine. His hand closed over mine, ice cold and strong. I almost melted on the spot.

"I think you're Superman," I murmured, dragging my eyes away from him as I blushed.

His perfect laugh rang out. Dang it, here came the anger again!

"What's so funny?" I snapped, yanking my hand away from his. He was so beautifully frustrating.

"You," he laughed. "I'm so different from Superman that it's not even funny. He's not pretty enough."

"Oh," I exclaimed. "I didn't mean looks wise. I mean, you're so perfect…"

"I know."

"…and wonderful…"

"Keep going."

"…and I'm captivated by you."

"Well, I'm bad," he said, a beautiful sneer forming on his face.

"You aren't ba-"

"You're wrong!" he said, slamming his hand on the table before flinging it across the cafeteria and sweeping out in a trench coat that randomly appeared on his back, leaving me stunned on the ground. Vapid girls 1-7 flocked around me, asking if I was okay. I accepted a hand up, grabbing my books and fumbling my way off to science class.

Eddy-bun wasn't there. "We're doing blood testing," my science teacher said as I got onto my stool after knocking it over 50 times. He cast me a nasty look. "And it's going to be bloody. Bella, don't faint."

I fainted.

Next thing I knew, I was sitting up and a bunch of boys were fighting over who could take me to the nurse. Retriever-boy punched chess-nerd in the face and stuck an iron grip around my waist, dragging me to the nurse. Suddenly, a beautiful voice rang out.

"Bella?"

I fainted again.

Once again, it came to fisticuffs…well, almost. Mike swung his fist at Edward, who side-stepped him before picking me up and carrying me to the nurse.

As the nurse left to get me an ice pack, I pretended to faint again, trying to get a better sniff of Edward. I failed, landing face first on the floor. When I came back up, I realized I was missing gym. Edward came near to me for a moment, looking in my eyes before pulling himself back and screaming, "I got too close! My parents are dead! I'm adopted, and leave me alone!"

He ran out of the door as I stared at his perfect…back. His head popped back in. "Bt-dubs, I'm still driving you to the city. Toodles!"

I was shocked.

A/N 2: Yeah, weird I know. But it was a long chapter and I had to figure out how to shorten it…bla bla bla! Whatever. Hope you enjoyed it, and check out YouTube for more parodies. Thanks!