A/N: This is the beginning of a few short stories about the various comical and awkward situations Hermione and Malfoy will encounter. (insert evil laugh now) ENJOY!

A Series of Strange and Hilarious Events Starring Our Favorite Gryffindor Lion and Slytherin Prince

PROBLEM # 1: COLOGNE

Hermione Jane Granger was not a girl to be trifled with. She had stood by Harry Potter-the-Boy-Who-Lived and faced Voldemort, she had fought against death eaters, befriended a giant, and outwitted even the smartest witches and wizards. She was the most prestigious student at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry- and proud of it. In fact, Ms. Granger had to work hard for her noble title. In this story, however, we find her in a wee bit of a predicament…

"Help!"

"Anyone?"

My voice echoed through the halls of a nearly empty school.

"Hello?! Is anyone still here?"

I groaned. Great. Just perfect. Nearly everyone was gone for Christmas break. And here I am. Stuck.

I really had this whole day planned out: say goodbye to the Ron, Ginny, and Harry, come back up to the Gryffindor common room and see if I could get some of my work done, curl up in front of the common room fire and read a book, and maybe even plan a few prefects meetings. Being head girl had its responsibilities, you know.

But I hadn't counted on this. Seriously, who would? Things like this don't just happen every day, right? I mean are you kidding me? Of all the ridiculous situations to find oneself in! Maybe I should just start from the beginning. It all started around nine o' clock this morning...

FOUR HOURS AGO - - - - - - - - -

"Bye Harry! Bye Ron! Bye Gin!" I shouted, waving my arms above my head as their thestral-drawn carriage pulled away.

"See ya!" Ginny yelled, her red hair blowing about in the winter breeze.

"Bye 'Mione!" Harry called back.

"See you next year!" Ron joked, waving at me.

'Oh boy, Ron, that was a good one' I thought, rolling my eyes with a smile. It was Christmas break and, being head girl, I thought that I should stay at Hogwarts over Christmas and attend to my duties. After all, it was my last Christmas here, and I wanted to make the most of it.

I turned back to the doors of the school and made my way up the stone steps. I reached for the handle of one of the enormous wooden doors and- was that a yell? I put my ear up to the door and listened.

"EEEEEAAAAAAGGGGGHHH!!"

"What the…?" I said aloud, drifting off and listening harder. It sounded much like a banshee.

"Crabbe!! Give it back!! Give it back!! No! Goyle!! GIVE IT!! DRAKIE!! MAKE THEM GIVE IT TO ME!!" someone (or something) screeched. Laughter.

I rolled my eyes. Pansy and the rest of the gang. I heard pounding footsteps….

THUNK!

Something collided with the door and flung it wide open, sending me tumbling down the stairs. I screamed in surprise as I felt my feet go over my head and tumble backwards. I somersaulted down the flight of stairs, each step jabbing me. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow,ow,ow,ow,oow!! Finally I stopped moving. My eyes were squeezed shut and my hair had flown over my face…….I think I might have landed on my wand.

"Owww…" I groaned. My head hurt. I heard footsteps pounding away through the snow, and Pansy shriek. ("PUT IT DOWN!!")

"Crap!" I heard someone say. I heard the footsteps of someone rushing over to me, and a spicy, rich cologne wash over me, the scent was amazing. I almost forgot where I was; all of my other senses had turned off, all I could do was smell…

"Are you ok?" a voice asked me. I stiffened as I felt someone put their arm behind my back and lift me into a sitting position. "Sorry about that. Goyle can be such an oaf at times." I could tangibly feel the ease from the cologne fade as dread set in.

Oh for the love of Merlin…

I knew that voice! Draco Malfoy was holding me. And talking to me in kind tones. And apologizing to me. And wearing the most sinfully delicious cologne I have ever smelled. I felt his hands on the back of my head. "You're bleeding!" he exclaimed, sitting me up more. All I could see was a jillion brown hairs in my face.

"Malfoy. I'm fine." I said calmly. I heard a sharp intake of breath. A very, very sharp intake of breath. If only my hair wasn't in my face. I would've loved to see the look he had in his face right now.

"Granger?" he asked doubtfully.

I took my hands and grabbed my hair, making a little hole for me to peep through.

"Boo." I said. He leapt up and released my head. I fell back and hit the cobblestones again.

"Ow…." I moaned, pulling my hair completely out of my face and feeling the back of my head. Ew…. It was wet. I pulled my fingers back and saw that they were red. I closed my eyes again. Ugh.

"Awwggghh!!" I heard Malfoy release a strange noise; somewhere between a groan and a yell, and maybe a bit of a grunt. Maybe someone was strangling him. I'd better check.

"What is it?" I said, cracking an eye open.

"Blood! Your blood is on my hand!" He said hoarsely. "See!" I opened my eyes to look. His hand was about one centimeter from touching my face.

"…"

"Malfoy it would help if you held it a couple inches away from my face and not so close."

He moved his hand further away and I looked at the callused hand in front of my face. Every fingertip bore red splotches, and the palm had a rather large spot too.

"Mudblood… blood is on me!" He said in disgust, wiping his hand in the snow to get it off. It left little pink streaks in the spotless snow.

"Oh boo-hoo, Malfoy!" I said scornfully, trying to sit up. I used my elbows and propped myself into a sitting position, then carefully stood up. Malfoy stood in front of me, smirking at my unsteadiness. I tried to take a step and black dots exploded in front of my eyes, and I felt extremely lightheaded. The world began to sway from side to side shakily, and I tried to take another step forward. I tripped and collided with Malfoy's chest.

The world seemed to freeze and I stifled a sigh. He smelled so good! EW! Wait, Malfoy smells good? No way. I checked again, subtly, of course. Although one can only be so subtle when on another's chest… Ahhh… Nope… nothing good here... hehe…

"Merlin Granger, sit down before you kill yourself!" Malfoy said, grabbing the back of my coat and tugging me over to the first step a few feet away. I hate to admit this, but I let out a very feeble squeak and grabbed his arm to keep from falling.

"I mean really, I know I'm attractive but there are other ways of getting my attention, Granger. You don't need to bloody tackle me." He dropped me on the stair and sat a few feet away from me, a conceited smirk on his face.

"Sod off, ferret." I gritted out, holding my head in my hands. I felt a tiny trickle of blood slide down my neck. Eugh. I had to get to the Hospital Wing.

"Malfoy." I said with a sigh. "I need to see Madame Pomfrey."

He just raised an eyebrow. "What do you want me to carry you or something? I'm not a bloody pack mule."

"Git." I muttered. I stood up again and began to walk up the stairs, aware of two silver-blue eyes boring into my back. Three more…two more to go…. one….. more… I collapsed on the final stair, gripping the railing for dear life. Since my upper body strength is negligible compared to the weight of my actual body, I held on for a supreme span of about seven and a half seconds before sliding to the ground in a pitiful heap. I groaned with frustration.

"Oh for the love of…. this is just- why- stupid- I can't… Merlin!" I heard a growl from behind me. Two hands slid under my arms and lifted me from the ground, and then one arm behind the crook of my neck and an arm beneath my knees.

Malfoy (MALFOY!) lifted me off the ground and carried my through the still open door.

I tried to make out his face, but I had been so unceremoniously picked up that my hair had once again dominated my face. I reached up and grab held of it, taming the curls with a hand. He walked through a hallway and reached the moving staircases, taking the steps two at a time. I purposely breathed through my mouth, trying not make it seem obvious that his cologne was going to be the death of me… because of the stench, of course. Nasty stuff…

"Malfoy-" I began to say, wanting to somehow thank him.

"Don't!" he interrupted. "Just don't say anything. I'll take you to the doors of the infirmary and that's it!" He sounded irritated.

"I didn't ask for your help, so don't be angry with me!" I retorted, annoyance rising within me.

He got off the staircases and continued to walk towards the hospital wing. He hitched me up higher in his arms and the bouncing made my head pound.

"Gently!" I said, reaching to steady my head. When I moved my arms all I managed to do was nearly fall through his arms and bang onto the floor, injuring myself further. I reached my arms around his neck to keep from slipping.

"Enjoying yourself, Granger?" Malfoy asked smirking and looking down at me, raising an eyebrow in arrogance. Ugh. What a pompous, self indulgent pig! He was driving me insane with his "I'm Malfoy, worship me!" attitude. Well, I, Hermione Jane Granger, has a plan! I released a weak breathy sigh.

"Malfoy." I said in a weak, whispery tone. "I can't breathe." I fluttered my eyes shut and then wheezed feebly a few times, biting the insides of my cheeks to keep from smiling.

"What? Did I take your breath away?" He said grinning at his own wit most aggravatingly.

"No…" I whimpered. I breathed out and then slowly took a huge deep breath, shut my mouth, and went limp. It took all six years of Hogwarts discipline to keep me from laughing. My ribs were cracking from bottled glee.

"Granger?" Malfoy asked, his tone not so smug. He stopped walking. He put a hand on my face, over my nose and mouth; I held my breath.

"What the heck?" He muttered, lying me down on the ground. "Granger? Granger? Hey! Breathe!" He patted my cheeks lightly. I felt like I was about to explode from holding my laughter.

He ran a hand down my neck checking my pulse. It took every ounce of concentration in my body not to squirm.

"Granger! Er…. Hermione! Wake up! Breathe!" He said, his voice getting a bit strained. Aw… the ferret cares… kinda… not really… does he?

I felt him pace erratically next to me. He was muttering to himself. I took a peripheral peek at him and saw him running his hands through his blonde hair. With a clenched jaw and a determined look on his face Malfoy dropped to his knees beside my head. "I cannot believe I'm doing this." He muttered. "Barking mad is what it is…."

Merlin no……. MALFOY'S DOING MOUTH TO MOUTH! Oh this is going to be good! I almost forgot the plan due to that dangerously appetizing scent he was wearing, but I swiftly stopped breathing through my nose and refocused my thoughts to my evil revenge.

He pinched the bridge of my nose and opened my mouth slowly. I cracked my left eye and watched his features twist into complete mortification as he leaned down. I began to inhale slowly. His lips were mere centimeters from mine when I blew as hard as I could into his mouth. What a strange noise. You know when you blow into an empty butterbeer bottle and it makes that deep flute kind of noise? That was it.

Malfoy let out a strangled roar of surprise and leaped away from me, eyes wide. Instead of smirking at him in ridicule for my victory, which, of course, I certainly was capable of doing, I laughed. I rolled from side to side and clutched my head and laughed. I think I might've even let out a snort of two.

"GRANGER! YOU STUPID, FILTHY, MUBLOOD!" Malfoy yelled, hitting his fist on the ground in frustration. "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?"

I took in great gulps of air, trying to breathe through my endless giggles. "That, Malfoy, was funnier than when you turned into a ferret!"

His eyes narrowed murderously at me, but I just kept on laughing. Finally I got myself under control, and locked eyes with him. His eyes were a flint-like steely blue, and his brow was furrowed in anger.

I smirked back and cocked an eyebrow. It slowly slid from my face when the cold realization hit me. Would he still take me the rest of the way to the hospital wing? I still felt incredibly lightheaded. I don't think I could make it to the hospital wing on my own. What if he left me up here in this deserted hallway to die? I would probably go barmy from the loneliness and start talking to imaginary figments of my diseased mind! Then I would probably go into a coma from the loss of blood! And…. and then go into cardiac arrest. And then I would freeze too….And then…. then…. OHMIGOSH, MRS. NORRIS WOULD EAT ME!! I cannot let that happen!

"What?" he asked with a glare, his old haughty self returning. I'm sure he was curious to why there was a horrified look on my face.

"Can you still take me to see Madam Pomfrey?" I asked, trying to look innocent, biting my bottom lip and giving a flutter of my eyelashes.

His eyes got narrower and he smiled evilly. "Of course." He said in a deadly whisper.

"Get up." He said, grabbing the sleeve of my jacket and dragging me up.

"Ow, ferret, that hurt!" I said, scowling at him.

"Good." He answered.

He yanked me back into his arms and began to walk again (with a painful bounce in his step, I might add.) I tried to speak up between bounces.

"Mal. Foy. Could. You. Stop. Bounc. Ing. So. Much?" I jolted out, cradling my aching head. He looked down at me with a thoughtful look on his face.

"Mmmm… nope!" he said cheerfully, practically skipping now.

We finally reached the infirmary, with me gritting my teeth to keep from punching his stupid ferret face for nearly jumping all the way there.

"Here." He said, bending down about halfway and dumping my rudely on the floor.

"Thanks a lot." I said sarcastically, using the wall to help sit my self up. I leaned against the cold wall, the frosty stones felt soothing against my head.

"You're welcome." He said, standing up and looking down at me, smiling.

"I don't see any humor in this situation." I said, frowning at him.

"I do." He said, smirking.

I gave him this look that clearly stated 'Are seriously you kidding me right now?"

He raised his eyebrows sneakily and bent down, never taking his eyes off mine. Soon he was crouched down, sitting back on his heels, a sly grin on his face. His right hand came to rest on my knee and slowly slid up my thigh, making my eyes grow wide. His other hand was pressed against the wall next to my shoulder. The first continued its journey up my thigh. I was frozen with shock. What, in name of all that is sane and good in this world, is happening?!

Malfoy's face was inches from mine, I could count the flecks of silver in his eyes. His hand had reached my hip and now continued to the back rim of my jeans, his cool fingers grazing my flesh for the briefest of moments before slipping down and fingering the opening of my back pocket. He leaned towards me and tilted his head, turning towards my ear, his warm breath making me gasp.

I took a breath and accidentally smelled him. Oh Merlin….. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply…. Wait! WHAT AM I SAYING? EW! He smelled like a filthy rodent! That's right. A nasty… dirty… gross……ferret……… OH WHO AM I KIDDING? HE SMELLED BLOODY HEAVENLY!

"Who's laughing now, Granger?" He whispered huskily, his lips brushing my ear. I shuddered as his hand slid into my pocket and grabbed…. MY WAND!? Quick as a flash he was back on his feet, chuckling and twirling my wand in his hands with triumph. He leaned against the opposite wall, just out of my reach.

"MALFOY!" I bellowed, jumping to my feet. Everything went black and I fell to my knees. "I HATE YOU!" I yelled, clenching my fists.

"Oh really? I think you are quite infatuated with me Miss Granger." he said sweetly. I chose to ignore that last comment. Instead I tried to deliver the most dangerous and most pain inflicting glare I could muster. Considering I was on my hands and knees with a lump on the back of my head I don't think it had the effect I was aiming for; he was still smirking triumphantly down at me.

"Give. Me. My. Wand." I said in a deadly tone.

"Hmm…" He pretended to consider my request. "No, I don't think I will." He said lightly, opening his robes and sticking MY WAND in his back pocket.

I narrowed my eyes and lunged at him, latching onto one of his legs.

"Give it back!" I said, trying to tackle him.

He bent down and pried me off. I'm proud to say it took him quite awhile. He picked me up again. I kicked and wriggled.

"Put me down this instant!" I yelled.

"Now, now, you wouldn't want to miss the finale of my plan, would you?" he said. He reached over and opened the door to the hospital wing.

"Madame Pomfrey!" he called in a worried voice. "Ms. Granger's hurt!" I looked at him in awe. He winked evilly.

The mediwitch came bustling out of her office. She looked at me in Malfoy's arms in puzzlement.

"She fell and hit her head; she's completely delirious." He said, carrying me over to a bed and setting me down.

"I am not delirious!" I said indignantly. "Give me back my wand!!"

"What are you talking about?" Ferret said, feigning innocence, his eyes wide with a surprise. Oh please! There is now way Pomfrey would fall for this! I took one look at her face and decided, yes, yes she could. Then I panicked.

"Don't act like you don't know!" I said. I turned to Madame Pomfrey. She was looking at me doubtfully. "Please. He took my wand! You see, I pretended to die and then he was going to do mouth to mouth and then I blew in his mouth and he got mad but I didn't want to Mrs. Norris to eat me so he took my wand!!" I babbled shrilly. (And yes, looking back now, I know that explanation didn't make any sense, but what can I say? I panicked!)

Now Madame Pomfrey had lost her look of doubt and, I believe, was quite convinced that I had gone mad.

"Let's take a look." Madame Pomfrey said, gently lifting my head. "Hmm… this should only take about and hour or two to heal Ms. Granger. You should be out and ready to go to lunch just on time." She said, walking over to a cabinet and pulling out two bottles and some gauze.

"I can take it from here Mr. Malfoy." She said briskly, unscrewing the cap of the first bottle and pouring the rose colored liquid into a glass. "Thank you for your help."

"Anytime." Malfoy said, giving me a wicked smirk and winking.

I glared daggers at him. I would get him back. Madame Pomfrey said this would be a quick fix. One hour, ferret. One hour…

END FLAHBACK THAT WASN'T REALLY A FLASHBACK SINCE IT HAPPENED THIS MORNING BUT WHO CARES - - - - - - - - - -

Ok. So now you know why I am bloody furious at Malfoy right now. First, he insulted me. No, no, wait. First, he wore the most annoying cologne in the world. Then, he insulted me. Then, he yelled at me. Then, he dropped me on the floor. Then, he seduced me. Then, he took my wand. (MINE! Aren't there laws against this sort of thing?) Then he made me look like a complete idiot in front of Madame Pomfrey… Oh, he would pay!

So as soon as I got out of the hospital wing I went down near the potions classroom, looking for a certain piece of slime. And then I ran into this.

What is this, you might ask? A painting. 'A painting?' you may inquire. Yes well this particular one has a Sticking charm on it. You may raise your eyebrows in question. Let me elucidate. There is a Sticking charm. On the outside. As in, the side that young witches lean on when they've had an extremely draining morning and they are plotting revenge on those who have done the draining. Make sense? Oh and it gets better. You know the which I just used in the explanation? That was me. In fact my entire back is stuck to it. Is it such a sin for a girl to lean against a painting before murdering a ferret? I mean really?

I squirmed a bit. Well, my hips were glued, but my legs were free. Thank Merlin I didn't rest my head against the wall; that part of me was free. If only I had my bloody wand!

"Help!" I yelled.

"Anyone?"

My voice echoed through the halls of a nearly empty school.

"Hello?! Is anyone still here?" I called.

What was that? Someone was coming.

The footsteps were getting closer…. A tall shadow fell across the floor, getting bigger… bigger… bigger…

"Well, well, well. Long time no see Granger." Malfoy drawled, standing before me and leaning against the opposite wall. "I thought I heard a voice down here."

"Hello Malfoy." I responded, folding my arms. That's it. Calm, Hermione; collected. Maybe he won't notice.

"Why are you here?" He said, smirking. "Couldn't get enough of me this morning?"

"In your dreams ferret." I spat, trying to stand up in defense. Whoops, can't go there. I growled to myself. "I actually came down here to get a little something of mine. Something you took from me." I narrowed my eyes. "This morning maybe?" I asked with an acid sweetness in my voice.

He shifted from where he was and strolled across the hallway towards me, leaning in between the painting I was stuck to and the on next to it. He cocked a blond eyebrow and pretended to think.

"This morning… hmmm…" he tapped his chin in mock thought. "I don't recall taking anything of yours this morning, Granger. Maybe you're still delirious."

I craned my neck to glare at him.

"Malfoy if you don't give me my wand back so help me-" I was interrupted.

"You'll what?" he said, grinning evilly. "What can you do without your wand?"

I could think of nothing to say, and I think I actually might have growled at him before turning my face away.

He snorted and rolled his eyes. We stood there for a minute or two, me ignoring him and he smirking at the back of my head. I finally turned to him and frowned.

"Why don't you just leave me alone, Malfoy?" I asked, exasperated.

"No can do, Granger. You're too much fun to bother." He answered smugly. I gave him a livid look.

"You are infuriating!" I yelled, whipping my head back around to stare daggers down the empty hallway. He chuckled behind me.

I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. He was just standing there, looking at me.

"Give me my wand back." I said, still not looking at him.

"Oh." He said questioningly. "You mean," he slipped a hand into his robes, "this wand?" he asked sweetly, spinning it in his fingers.

I tried to pry myself off the wall, praying he didn't notice. I bit back a scream of frustration.

"Yes, that wand you bloody moronic git!" I snarled. "Give it to me!" Without thinking I lunged towards him, reaching with all my might… I grabbed at my wand and nearly had it… but unfortunately I was a millimeter too far and only succeeded in whacking it over to the other side of the hallway.

Malfoy smirked.

"Uuurgh!" I howled, giving him a look of pure loathing and then giving him the cold shoulder. "I hate you!"

"Oh, come off it, Granger! You know you want me!" He said with a chuckle.

"Ew." I said, still not looking at him. I tried in vain to wrench my back off the wall again, hoping my audience didn't notice.

"What in Merlin's bloody name are you trying to do, Granger?" Malfoy asked, smirking. I guess he noticed my squirming.

I didn't look at him, still trying to force my back off the wall.

"Nothing." I said haughtily, closing my eyes and sticking my nose into the air.

"Granger?" he said. His voice was close… incredibly close.

"What?" I replied huffily, still keeping my eyes closed. I was afraid of what I would see.

"Open your eyes." He whispered.

I slowly opened my eyes. There was a hand next to my face. A pale, calloused hand. Malfoy's hand. On the painting. With the sticking charm on it.

I turned my head and came face to face with him. His eyes were less than a foot from my face, I could smell that wonderful cologne again…. Sssssnnnnnnnnfffffff…. WAIT!! WHAT AM I DOING?! THERE WILL BE ABSOLUTELY NO SMELLING OF COLOGNE!! NO!! Without thinking I clapped a hand over my nose and closed my eyes. I will not look, smell, or touch Draco Malfoy. If I can't see him he can't see me, I will not sniff his amazing, I mean, ferrety cologne, and mostly NO TOUCHY! I repeated these thoughts to myself over and over, almost forgetting that Draco Malfoy had me pinned to a wall.

"Hello? Granger? Is the light still on upstairs?" Malfoy asked. I jumped and quickly opened my eyes, my hand still covering my nose firmly.

"Yes!" I said. He snorted. Oops… I forgot to take my hand away from my nose. Merlin, how embarrassing… I whipped my hand off my face. "Yes I'm fine! I was just… having a short… moment of… umm… serenity! I was relaxing myself because you were making me angry." I said. Well that was convincing…

"I was making you angry?" he asked innocently, his silver grey eyes mocked me beneath his brow.

"Erm… Malfoy?" I said, a little nervous at his reaction to my next remark.

"What?" he asked, a smirk upon his face. He was probably sensing my vulnerable attitude due to the fact the his rather muscular-wait, I… I mean, ugly, very ugly, arms were caging me against the wall. Merlin, was he wrong. Well, partially. I mean- I was just…Ugh never mind!

"Well, I- I just- umm there isn't really an easy way to tell you this…" I tried to find the right way to tell a guy that his hands were permanently stuck to a painting caging a very ticked off girl in an empty castle in the middle of winter.

"What?" He asked again, still smirking at my stuttering.

"Your hand… I mean… It's kind… well rather… just try and move your hands" I finished lamely. Merlin, Ron must be rubbing off on me. He raised an eyebrow.

"Why?"

"Just do it!" I said.

He rolled his eyes and leaned back. He jerked to a stop. His forehead creased and he pulled back from me again, only to be jerked to a stop again.

"What the…?" he muttered. His eyebrows furrowed and he clenched his teeth. I saw his body tense again as he tried to yank his hands off the wall.

"Grangerrrrrrrr." He growled, his stormy grey eyes mere inches from mine.

"Yes?" I asked feigning innocence.

"What's going on here?" he asked, scowling.

"Peeves." I replied.

"Ah." He said. It was silent for a span of about thirty seconds. "PEEVES!" Malfoy roared. "PEEVES, WHERE IN MERLIN'S BLOODY NAME ARE YOU!?"

"Stop yelling!" I said in annoyance.

I gave me an incredulous look. "Stop yelling?" he nearly whispered.

"Uhhmm… yah!" I said, in a "duh!" kind of tone.

"No!" he said angrily, glaring at me. "I'm stuck to a bloody wall! What do you want me to do? Whisper? Have a heart to heart and a cup of tea?"

"I don't know! Maybe we can think of something!" I suggested, glaring right back.

We continued to glare for a few moments before he took a deep breath…

"GET DOWN HERE YOU NO GOOD DIRTY ROTTEN BLOODY-" I cut Malfoy off by slapping him squarely on the face. Wow… That felt strangely satisfying. He stared down at me, his eyes bulging out. His mouth opened and closed a few times. A faded pink spot graced his flawless face.

"You… you… hit me!" he said, shocked.

"Nothing gets past you ferret." I snapped back. His eyes narrowed and his arm jerked down to reach his wand.

"ARRRRGGGGHHH!!" he growled. I smiled sweetly at him.

"Looks like we're stuck." I sung.

"Shut up." He spat, hanging his head in defeat. I smiled as a thought occurred to me.

"Malfoy! Where's your wand?" I asked.

"My pocket!" he spat, still fuming about the situation. "I can't reach it."

I stared at him, one eyebrow raised.

"What?" he said. With a smirk I slowly raised my hands up in between us and wiggled my fingers.

"My back pocket, Granger! No way to I want your fingers back there!" He sputtered in outrage.

"Malfoy! We could be here for bloody hours! Just let me get it and we can leave this hallway and carry on with our normal daily lives." I said in frustration.

"No bloody way." He said stubbornly. I narrowed my eyes at him.

"You couldn't stop me if I tried to get it anyway." I smirked. "So I will." I reached for the clasp on his robes- I had to get to his back pocket somehow.

"Granger!" He barked, yanking on his arms, trying to avoid my hands. I slipped my arms around his waist and snagged his wand, quickly pulling it out. I wasn't expecting Malfoy to swing to his right, bumping my hand and causing his wand to catch on the fabric of his shirt. Or that it would slip through my grasp. Or that is would fall to the floor and roll five feet away. I stared at the wand, mouth open, eyes popping. Malfoy stiffly cleared his throat.

"Would you kindly remove you hands from my robes!" he snapped. I started out of my trance, glaring at him.

"This is all your fault." I hissed furiously. "If you hadn't of bumped my hand I wouldn't have lost the wand!" I fastened the clasp on his robes, being sure to pinch him in the process. Malfoy did not like that gesture very much. Before I knew what was happening he growled and threw his body on mine, crushing my hands between us. We were now pressed up together very, very, very closely.

A wave of his cologne hit me harder than ever. I began to lean closer and then mentally slapped myself… very hard. I leaned away and held my breath resolutely; be strong Hermione, be strong.

I craned my neck to see his face, and he was smirking at me, as always.

"Do you mind?" I huffed.

"Not really." He said, putting his full weight on me. I felt my chest collapse underneath his very heavy one, and I found that my attempts of breathing were proving to be incredibly unsuccessful.

"Malfoy!" I wheezed. "Malfoy!"

"Yes?" I heard him say sweetly.

"I can't breathe!" I gasped. I tried to suck in another breath, but my ribs couldn't expand and account of the rather large body mass leaning against me.

"You can't breathe? It's fine up here. Actually it's rather comfortable." He said casually.

If it were possible, I felt him lean on me even more. I craved oxygen. The only air was I getting was a strange mix of robe lint, armpit sweat, and a beautiful tinge of that cologne. Excluding the latter, it was not pleasant smell. I tried to push him away from me using my arms, but was too heavy. As a final attempt at life I dug my fingers into his stomach, which rather hurt since his stomach was rather hard. He let out a bark of laughter and leapt away from me, his eyes popping. I swallowed as much air as possible, relieved that I didn't die while pinned to a wall by a fragrance soaked ferret. Now that I had some air in my lungs I could release my wrath on the almost murderer.

"You almost suffocated me to death!" I yelled. Malfoy was still leaning far away from me, looking at my hands with unease.

"Don't be so dramatic." He said, not meeting my glare.

"I am not being dramatic!" I huffed. "You would not get off me! I told you I couldn't breathe! I had to bloody tickle you to get off of me!"

"Um… sure." He said, practically pulling his arms out of the socket in his attempts to lean away from me. If I wasn't so upset I might actually find his stance laughable… Wait! That laugh! When I jabbed him in he stomach, I tickled him! Malfoy was ticklish! I think this may be one of the most valuable things I have ever learned at Hogwarts.

He met my eyes. I suppose my gaze might have looked a bit mischievous, because his eyes looked incredibly scared.

"You are ticklish!" I crowed joyfully.

"No I'm not!" he feebly denied. I laughed manically.

"This is bloody brilliant." I sang. He glared at me and remained in his stiff position. I laughed at him. "I'm not going to tickle you again." I said He glared at me apprehensively, but at least relaxed his position again. "I'll save that for another time."

"Gosh, Thanks!" he said in mock appreciation. I found that the only response that genuinely expressed the way I felt was an evil grin. He scowled and looked down, sagging into his arms for support. He was silent for a few moments before he spoke.

"Nice rack, Granger."

"Oh!" I gasped in outrage and folded my arms across my chest. "You dirty, git!" I fumed, my face beginning to heat up.

He looked up and smirked.

"You know, you're blushing right now?" he asked, grinning.

"No I'm not." I said, even though I thought my face was on fire. He chuckled deep in his chest.

"Apparently your face begs to differ."

"Ok, fine I'm blushing! So what?"

"Oh nothing, it means nothing at all…" he said with a huge smirk on his ferrety face.

I raised my hand to strike him again… harder this time. He saw this impending doom and swiftly ducked his head and rested it on my shoulder at the perfect awkward angle where I couldn't slap the heck out of him. I huffed angrily.

"Malfoy if you are staring at my chest again I swear-"

He cut me off. "I'm not, Granger!" he said. He scooted his head towards the wall, the bridge of his nose now resting on the front of my shoulder. Oh Merlin… WHY DID HE HAVE TO DO THIS?! I tried not to inhale the scent of him, but he was so close! I closed my eyes and tried to think of something -anything- else. Snape singing country music… The library burning down… Dumbledore getting his beard highlighted…Madam Maxime in a bikini… EW!! OK I THINK SUFFERING WITH MALFOY WAS BETTER THAN THOSE IMAGES!

I opened my eyes again and craned my neck to look at the boy on my shoulder. His eyes were closed. I chose this moment to study him up close. Just this once, ok? I'm just wondering why all of the other girls in this school love him. This study is for research purposes only, so don't get any ideas…

My eyes followed the line of his jaw, marveling the perfect curvature of it, and how smooth it looked. I stifled the horrifying urge to put my hand to his marble cheek, grasping the sides of my robes and clenching my fists. The rest of his pale face was buried against my shoulder. I then chose to academically study (nothing more) his hair. Somehow it wasn't that annoying platinum blonde it used to be. It had toned down a couple of shades, making him look older and more… well… sexy. Oh Merlin, I just called Malfoy sexy. What is going on?

I shrugged my shoulder I little bit. His head wobbled, but stayed put.

"Malfoy?" I said. No response. I jiggled my shoulder again, trying to get him off.

"Hello?" I said, louder this time. "Malfoy?" he continued to ignore me. "I know you didn't fall asleep." I exclaimed huffily. I felt him smirk against my shoulder. I shivered. Those were lips I felt.

"Malfoy! Get off!" I said firmly, reaching up with my hands and trying to lift his head off of me. Ugh! It was heavy! I let him go and his still smirking expression dropped onto my shoulder again and a painful thud. Ouch! A breezy aftermath followed, his rich cologne washing over me. That is it! I thought irritably.

I jolted my shoulder as hard as I could, first shrugging it down and then driving it up, striking his head with quite some force. Malfoy's head flew off and came swiftly down again. He hit the bridge of his nose right on my shoulder with another painful thud and he grunted. His head flew up again on his own, fuming.

"GRANGER!" he yelled, wincing. He pressed his lips together as blood trickled from his nose. I clapped my hands over my mouth and felt my eyes go wide. I had accidentally given him a bloody nose!

"Omigosh Malfoy! I am so sorry!" I shrilled, gaping at him in horror. His eyes were strained around the edges from pain, and his lip curled a bit. I wonder if I looked that attractive when I was hurt this morning?

….

WHAT?! NO!! NOT ATTRACTIVE!! AHHHGGG!!

"Granger! This is all your fault." He grumbled, bending over and trying to wipe off his face with no hands. "Could you please find me something to stop the bleeding?" he asked grudgingly. I gaped at him. Did you hear that?! 'PLEASE!' Malfoy just said 'please'!! Sweet Merlin… He glanced up at me while blood dribbled slowly down his chin. At least in wasn't a terribly bad nosebleed. I'd seen worse.

"Hurry?" he implied.

"Ummm…" I frantically searched my pockets for anything that would stop the bleeding. "I don't think I have anything!" I said. It was a bit concerning how worried my voice sounded. I pushed those thoughts to the back of my head and focused on the task at hand.

"Oh!" I gasped as an idea struck me. I reached for his expensive robes and stopped before I grabbed them.

"May I?" I asked, looking up at him. He sighed in a grudgingly defeated manner.

"If that's all we have, I guess so." He grumped.

I took the edge of his robes and pulled them up until I could reach the corner. I folded it over a few times and contemplated how exactly I was going to this.

"Malfoy look up." I commanded. He raised his head and I reached out with my hand inside the black fabric and began to wipe off his face. I started with his chin and worked my way up, blushing when I got to his lips. I could feel those silver eyes bore into mine, but I purposely stared at the spot I was cleaning… which was still his lips. I finished with them and moved up to his nose, with was still dripping drops of blood. I pressed the fabric onto his nose and he protested with a grunt, pulling away.

"That hurts." He remarked with a scowl.

"We need to stop the bleeding somehow." I said, reaching for his face again. He frowned and let me press the corner of the robe to his nose again. He winced and tried to lean away.

"Stop moving!" I said.

"Well, it bloody stings!" he snapped. I tried to press it to his nose again and he resolutely pulled away.

I sighed in defeat and looked at him determinedly for a split second before placing the palms of my hands on either of his cheeks, holding him steady. I blotted his nose gently with the corner of his robe using the pads of my thumbs; this time he didn't pull away. I avoided his eyes at all costs, knowing that if I looked, I would most likely do something embarrassing.

I couldn't help it. I had to look.

His silver eyes locked with mine and the world stopped turning. I couldn't look away; my breath caught in my throat; my heart stuttered. I think it may have only been about two seconds, but it felt like hours. His breath ticked my face, and I gasped as I released the breath I had been holding.

"Alright, Granger?" he asked, smirk in place.

"Blood," I lied, "makes me faint." I broke free from his gaze and immediately hung my head (I would lean it against the wall, but we know where that would get us.); closing my eyes and shutting down all thoughts about Draco Malfoy. I dropped the little corner of his robes I had been using and it swayed towards the ground.

"Granger?" he asked.

"What?" I whispered.

"Are you ok?" he asked.

"Malfoy, you just had a bloody nose. Are you ok?" I asked, glancing up at him. He pretended to think for a moment and then wiggled his nose at me like a bear. I giggled.

"I don't think there is any permanent damage." He said.

"Darn." I said sarcastically. Wow. Malfoy and I were actually having a decent conversation… We stood there in a somewhat awkward silence for a minute or two.

"What time is it?" I asked thoughtlessly. We must've been stuck to this wall for at least an hour, maybe more. I looked down at our feet and sighed. This was beyond weird. My head snapped up when I heard Malfoy make the strangest noise. I raised an eyebrow at the panicked look on his face.

"Hyyeeeeeeh!" he sucked in a breath. "Grange- haaaaa – er - hyeeee – I have to - ahhh – snee – heeeaaaa – eeze!" I stared at him in horror.

"Hold it in!" I screeched, frantically thinking of some way to save myself from being covered in spit and Merlin knows what. I hastily pinched his nose; that usually helped me.

"I – heee – can't!" He wheezed. I squealed and grabbed the front of his robes, sticking my head under as much fabric as possible to protect myself.

"Ahh… Uhhhhh…. CHOO!"

He sneeze propelled him backwards, and at reaching the end of his arm length, he bounced forward. I heard him grunt as my head connected with his chest. Whoopsie… I waited for a few moments for any after shock sneezes, then I cautiously removed my head from his robes, glancing at his face. He was wincing.

"Is it a hobby of yours to injure me?" he asked me.

"Sorry." I said sheepishly with a grin. To my surprise, he smirked back at me.

"Apology accepted. But don't think I wont get back at you for all of this." He said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked. "Revenge?"

"You could call it that." He said with an evil grin.

"Malfoy you-" my retort was cut short by footsteps at the end of the corridor. Both of us whipped our heads to the end of the hallway, straining to hear.

"I still think that the pudding is much better." grumbled a slow deep voice. Goyle.

"Just admit that jelly adds much more flavor." Crabbe answered smugly.

"Does not!" Goyle said roughly

"Does too!" Crabbe retorted.

"It's just Crabbe and Goyle." Malfoy whispered, relaxing.

"And that should comfort me how….?" I questioned sarcastically. "Do you have any idea what spell they would hurl at us to get us unstuck?" I whispered. They would probably turn us into cupcakes and eat us… or worse. Their footsteps were getting closer. Another voice joined into the argument.

"Does too!"

"Does no-"

"Shut up! Who bloody cares what donuts are stuffed with? I swear, sometimes you two can be so thick!" Blaise said, clearly annoyed by the two oafs accompanying him. Malfoy growled and muttered a few colorful words.

"What's wrong?" I hissed. "Blaise can help us!"

"He can't know I got stuck to a bloody wall!" He hissed back. I gave him a look that clearly said 'are-you-kidding-me-right-now'. "What?" he whispered, clearly offended by the latter look. Stupid, egotistical, pompous, narcissistic, arrogant, male pride!

"Do you want to get off this wall or not!?" I said, almost forgetting to whisper.

"Not by Blaise!" he snapped hoarsely. I rolled my eyes and took a breath, ready to yell out to the three Slytherins. Malfoy gave me a murderously dark look.

"Don't you dare!" he hissed. I smiled sweetly before opening my mouth.

"He-" my yell was cut short. Something covered my mouth. Something soft and warm. Malfoy's lips were over mine. My eyes widened in shock. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. His eyes were still open. He drew back and smirked at me, quite proud I believe. My mouth was open. I shut it. I frowned. Did that just happen? I was confused. I looked up at Malfoy's smirking face. Nope, I decided. That definitely did not happen. I felt my rationale flee in my frantic ploy to deny the kiss.

"Now if you to oafs would shut up, I'll give you the answers to the Transfiguration exam." Blaise said. Blaise! They could help us! I glanced at Malfoy before opening my mouth. He was giving me that "you're smarmy" look. Urgh. I decided to yell.

"Blai-" Nearly at once his lips were on mine again. Again? Right. 5 Seconds ago. So much for being in denial about it. My thoughts were scrambled with his lips on mine. He kissed with more force this time, probably trying to shut me up. The Slytherin's voices faded into the background; all I could think about was this kiss. I waited for him to pull away again and smirk. But he didn't. Not fully. He drew back, yes, but when he spoke his lips brushed mine.

"Are you going to shut up now?" He whispered. His breath mingled with mine when I responded.

"Probably not." I breathed.

"I that case…" he whispered huskily before pressing his lips back to mine. This time I closed my eyes. I have never felt this way before. His lips began to move. Oh Merlin. I was dying. Draco Malfoy was kissing me. Everything was wrong about this. Why don't I push him away? Why don't I scream and slap him? What wrong with me?

Apparently something was very wrong with me because against my will I began to respond to the kiss. My arms slipped up his chest and wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer. Where was my reasoning? Where was my common sense? Where was… His lips shifted and I gasped. Our lips moved together, and fire and ice ran through my veins all at once. I was soaring and falling and sinking and spinning. My stomach was tied in knots; beautiful, confused, wonderful knots. My left hand slid up his neck and into his hair. Oh… I titled my head slightly to the right, allowing the kiss to deepen. Our bodies were pressed together, complete opposites; silver and gold, black and white; but seemed to fit. His smell thrummed around me; musky, sharp, addictive. I needed air. I pulled away with a loud sigh, trying to steady my breathing and rapid heart. Malfoy pulled back and grinned smugly at me, barely out of breath.

"Enjoy yourself, Granger?" He asked, cocking an eyebrow smugly. I stared at him. He had just kissed me. I just kissed Malfoy. Me Malfoy kiss. I saw his expression change slightly, he lowered his eyebrow and donned his smirk. I kept staring; boggled. He just kissed me. And he was smirking about it. Smirking.

"Granger? Hello?" he said, still smirking. I must have looked like a fish standing there with my eyes popping and my mouth open. But I didn't care. My brain was not functioning. He just kissed me. Malfoy. Kiss. Malfoy. Kiss. Kiss… Me? And then it registered. He just kissed me! KISSED ME! And he smirks about it! My eyebrows drew together and I narrowed my eyes.

"You just kissed me?" I whispered, my tone deadly. Now his expression changed from smugness to a face that clearly said 'And your point is…?'.

"Yes…"he said with a Malfoy-like grin. "And you seemed to enjoy it very much Ms. Granger."

"YOU KISSED ME?" I nearly yelled. Now he looked at me like I was crazy.

"Yes." He answered. "What are you going to do? Deduct house points?" My blood boiled. He was not allowed to kiss me! ME! A Gryffindor! Not a Slytherin! Not a Pureblood! His kiss was just a tool! He only kissed me to shut me up! I kissed him because… because… I DON'T KNOW WHY!! BUT THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT! I glared at him. Words failed me.

"I told you not to yell." He said, tut-tuttingly. "But you didn't listen which caused me to take…" he paused, searching for the right word, "drastic and seemingly wicked measures." He grinned evilly and looked down at me. I think my sight was tinged with red.

"YOU-NO-GOOD-BLOODY-VILE-RUDE-POMPOUS-FOUL-IDIOTIC-" I punctuated each word with a feeble punch in the chest. It is hard to get momentum for your right hook when glued to a wall, you know. "STUPID-EVIL-ARROGANT-"

"Granger! Granger! Get a hold of yourself!" Malfoy yelled, straining away from me. I continued with my frenzied punching, doing him no harm. All of my sensibility was gone. It was that kiss! That bloody kiss! He threw his body against mine again, trapping my hands in between us. The cologne wavered, and I forced myself to ignore it.

"Get off of me, Malfoy. Now!" I barked. He craned his head to look down at me.

"I don't think so, Granger." He said coolly, clearly not fazed by our close proximity. I, on the other hand, was experiencing a steady rise in blood pressure due to the accelerated pounding of my heart, accompanied bye those accursed knots in my stomach.

"I'll tickle you again." I threatened darkly. He only smirked.

"Go ahead." He said. I tried to wiggle my fingers. I realized I couldn't even move my arms to move my hands to get to his stomach. Urgh. He chuckled at my expression. I gave him my most murderous glare and decided to go back to my plan I had executed hours earlier: the silent treatment. I whipped my head toward the end of the hallway, making sure that I flicked my hair in his face. We stood silent for a moment before he spoke.

"You liked it." He smugly stated. I bit my lip to keep myself from retorting. "You loved it, Granger. Just admit it." I quickly turned to him, nearly snarling.

"I did not like it!" I hissed.

"Did too." He answered smugly. "Every one of them." I wanted to rip his big, stupid, head off; my arms were still pinned between us. I felt my cheeks flush with anger, and my eyebrows go into a frown.

"For your information, Ferret," I said, "I did not enjoy any of those kisses, and if you…" I trailed off. Wait a minute. We kissed three times. Kiss one… Kiss two…The first two were to shut me up… Kiss three….. but the third! The third kiss was not to muffle a yell! He kissed me! Voluntarily! HA! HAHAHAHA! In you face Malfoy! He looked at me, have smirking, half puzzled. I realized that I hadn't finished my sentence, and that a smirk was plastered to my face.

"You kissed me." I stated.

"We have already been over this, Granger." He said. "I kissed you to shut you up." He smiled devilishly. "And it worked."

"No, no, no. You don't seem to understand what I am stating, Malfoy." I explained. "You kissed me…. Voluntarily." I said this slowly, as if speaking to a child.

"No Granger. You, I fear, are far too infatuated with me to understand. I kissed you because I needed you to shut up; and since my hands are unavailable for me to use, I used the next best thing." He paused. "Or should I say, from you perspective, the best thing." He said, grinning at me wickedly.

"I didn't yell the third time!" I interjected smugly. His smirk faltered for half a second and then came back full force.

"Yes but you would have." He said. I narrowed my eyes.

"But how do you know?" I questioned skeptically, cocking my head to the side. He leaned closer, past my face, and whispered in my ear.

"You're easy to read, Granger." His hot breath made my gasp catch in my throat. I could smell it again. That cologne. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to calm my bloody nerves. I felt him draw back, yet I kept my eyes closed. I had to get away from him. Him and his stupid cologne and kisses and witty comebacks.

"Mr. Malfoy?" A voice called from down the hallway.

My eyes snapped open and locked with his. His silver eyes sparkled with mischief and he winked at me. I started and my intellect returned. I glared at him.

"Down here, Professor!" he called, his eyes never leaving mine. I heard the hollow tap of quick footsteps getting closer. I ripped my eyes away from his gaze and turned towards the footsteps. Professor McGonagall approached us, a severe look upon he features.

"Miss Granger!" she said, clearly astonished to see me, Hermione Granger, top of the class, pinned to a wall by none other than Draco Malfoy. To a passerby this must look…. Oh Merlin.

"Professor!" I said.

"Now really!" McGonagall. "What on earth is going on here?"

"Peeves." Malfoy said smoothly. McGonagall didn't look convinced.

"He put some sort of sticking charm on the outside of this painting, Professor." I interjected. Nieher of us had our wands; that's why we've been stuck here for the past few hours." I tried to pull my back off the wall, showing her the problem. Malfoy complied by giving his stationary hands a few good yanks. The Professor frowned and took a closer look at the painting.

"Hmpf." She cleared her throat. With a silent wave of her wand the charm was removed. Without the support we fell to the floor in a heap. I felt a blush creep up to my cheeks as we stood. Malfoy was bending his arms and cringing.

"I trust you two will be more careful before wandering down deserted corridors." She said, clearly still suspicious. He eyes flickered between us, which made my cheeks flame even more. I stared at the floor and out of the corner of my eye I saw my wand lying on the ground a few feet away. I bent down and picked it up, and seeing Malfoy's, I picked his up as well. All the while I could feel Professor McGonagall's eyes on me. I handed Malfoy his wand, trying to ignore the sting where our fingers touched.

"It's nearly nine thirty. Please return to your common rooms," Professor McGonagall said briskly, "immediately." She strutted to the end of the hallway and within seconds the tapping of her shoes had disappeared.

I stole a glance at Malfoy in the corner of my eye. He was still smirking at me. I glared at him and began to walk down the hallway, trying to keep myself from stomping. Before I had gone more than six or seven steps I felt him grab my arm and spin me around to face him.

"What?" I half-whispered half-yelled.

"Just so you know," He said quietly, leaning closer to me, "I'm still going to get my revenge." My breath caught in my throat at his threat, and I felt my cheeks redden for the third or fourth time that day. He smirked, and the cologne tried to haunt me again.

"Let go of me." I said coldly, ripping my arm out of his grasp and hurrying down the hallway. Why was I running from him? From Malfoy for Merlin's sake. But nonetheless I felt my feet carrying me further away from him. I stomped up every stair that took me to Gryffindor Tower. Curse him and his bloody body and bloody wit and bloody smirk and bloody sexiness and bloody cologne. BLOODY MALFOY! Urgh.

I crept into the common room, again relieved that Ron, Harry, and Ginny had all gone home for Christmas. No questions to why I was so late and where I had been. I went to the Head Girl's quarters and quickly brushed my teeth and washed my face. I slipped out of my robes and threw them on my bed. I riffled through my drawers for my comfiest pajamas. I felt safer as soon as the soft fabric settled on my skin.

I grabbed my robes off my bed and – sniff. What was that smell? Sniff sniff sniff. I took a few whiffs of the air around me. It smelled like… I narrowed my eyes at the seemingly innocent black fabric in my hands. I brought by robes to my face and smelled them. They smelled like Malfoy! I couldn't get away!

"URGH!" I yelled, hurling them to the farthest corner of the room. I dove for the covers and burrowed under them, using my wand to flip out the light. Forget reading, there was no way I would be able to focus on that after the day I had. I forced myself to concentrate on nothing; just the blackness behind my eyelids, and the peaceful sleep that was in reach.

My thoughts disobeyed me as I found myself remembering all of the occurrences between Malfoy and I; The fall in the grounds, getting carried to the hospital wing, fooling him, getting my wand stolen (my thoughts lingered a little too long on that one), getting stuck to the wall, losing my wand, giving him the silent treatment, losing his wand, his body pressed on mine, giving him a bloody nose, the sneeze, the… kisses, particularly the third one (I know I lingered far too long on this memory). I shook my head and groaned. Bloody Malfoy. I tried to ignore the stupid butterflies in my stomach. I probably swallowed too much toothpaste or something. Yah… too much toothpaste I thought, as I slowly drifted of to sleep. Way too much toothpaste….

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So what do you think?! I'll continue this plot in another one shot, but it will take a while. Hopefully you guys liked it! Until next time.

REVIEWS EQAUL LOVE (for some reason this website has a strange glich in it and won't let me post an equal sign there...)