My first crack at Okita Sougo and Kagura. A hint of GinTae as well. Rated for language and a One Shot. Enjoy.

Edit: Thanks Shylu, for correcting me on what Otae refers to Gin as and what Shinpachi calls his sister. I fixed those parts.

Nothing Sweet About 16

"Tomorrow."

"Yeah?"

"Do you know what tomorrow is?"

"What about it?"

"I turn 16?"

"Congrats. You're becoming a woman. Maybe its time you stop sleeping in my closet and hanging your bras across the living room."

"I'm still a child 'till I'm 20."

"Who says?"

"This country does. They even have a holiday or whatever for it. Err- what's it called?"

"Ah. Our country lies."

The perm haired man was lazily spread across their dusty sofa, his legs propped up with the latest Shonen Jump in his hands, as usual. By the nonchalant expression and deadpan in his voice, the girl knew she'd have to try harder to get her point across. After a few tries, then she'd had to sic Sadaharu on him. Maybe Sadaharu's fangs on his head might draw some sense into him.

"Gin-chan…"

"What?"

"Aren't I supposed to wear one of those pink puffy dresses and get a big party with candles, and cake, and little bride's maid girls?"

"That's in the West."

"Why can't we do it here?"

"'Cause we ain't the West. We're the East, remember?"

"Sixteen is supposed to be something special, you idiot. Are you even listening to me?"

"Ain't nothing sweet about it. Ask Shinpachi. He'll tell you. He's sixteen."

"I was sixteen TWO years ago, you bastard!" Shinpachi cut in, slamming the small cups of tea onto the table beside them. Kagura propped her chin inside her palms, looking to the other boy for support.

"Shinpachi, isn't sixteen supposed to be special on this planet?"

"Nope."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because mine wasn't."

Kagura kicked the leg of the table, causing the cups of steaming tea to spill across the wood. As Shinpachi's jaw fell agape in anger, Kagura jerked an infuriated fist at the young man before he could curse at her.

"What the hell kind of answer is that? Just because you're lonely and the closest you've ever gotten to becoming a man is taking that magazine into the bathroom and beating your-"

"KAGURA!"

"GIN-CHAN, where does she learn this stu-"

"I don't know- KAGURA, where do you learn this crap?" Gintoki finally threw down his Jump to sit upright and glare at the peach headed girl before them.

"TV," she shrugged.

"I told you to stop watching that shit."

"You should stop reading Jump."

"Hell no! I'd rather die."

"Then, maybe you should. I can sell your stuff for sukonbu."

"I'll haunt you from my grave, Kagura."

Still recovering from Kagura's last blow, Shinpachi accused, "Stop acting like you've had a boyfriend before. Like you're any different from me!"

"I am. I've had a boyfriend."

"What? How? You're still a vir-"

"The boys that run away from you in the park and trade you candy for their lives don't count, Kagura," Gintoki quipped, but Kagura ignored him with crossed arms.

"Am I a virgin?"

Both men froze. Kagura's toying with Shinpachi had finally reached a high point. The pair narrowed their eyes at her in deep thought.

No. She couldn't have. Could she?

"…"

"…"

Just as Kagura gloated over her fib maiming them unexpectedly, Shinpachi squeaked.

"GIN-CHAN! She's saying she's been adulterated-"

"Shut up, Shinpachi. Kagura's a liar."

"Gin-chan, what's adulterer- rated?" She asked innocently.

"See?"

"I mean, if it's anything like what Fabio did to me in that alleyway that night where he was like fuu and I was like hey there-"

"KAGURA! Cut the shit!" Gintoki scolded before Shinpachi could faint.

"YOU cut the shit, asshole! At least if you die, I can buy sukonbu and celebrate my own damn birthday."

"That's life. Get over it. When life gives you lemons, you make a parfait, okay?"

"It's lemonade, Gin-chan. Lemonade," Shinpachi corrected, straightening his glasses over the brim of his nose.

"Whatever."

"I'm better off asking ane-go because you guys SUCK!"

"Umm, I wouldn't ask Aneue about her sixteenth birthday if I were you?"

"…Why not?"

"I don't know, but whenever I bring it up, she gets into this weird mood where her cheeks turn all red and she'll change the subject before she'd flutter into the kitchen to make a whole banquet of eggs."

The room was silent for a moment as they all shared a look of pain at the mention of Otae-san's eggs.

"Anyway, I'm going. Don't come after me if I don't come back."

"We wouldn't dream of it."

"Shut the hell up! Come on, Sadaharu. You're the only one that loves me."

Kagura stomped down the steps of the Yorozuya, earning a glare from their landlord and the cat thief before Kagura regarded them with rolled eyes. She wasn't in the mood to deal with them. Her umbrella sprouted open above her head and as she walked beside her monstrous dog, her gaze lowered to the floor in disappointment. She wasn't sure why she was so angry in the first place. She should have known better than to expect anything from those two idiots and it's not like they did anything for her last birthday.

Still. This was sixteen…

Upon arriving at Otae's Dojo, Kagura stopped beneath the shade of a neighboring tree to spot something rather suspicious.

It was the gorilla. Straddling the bark of the tree with his body, he struggled to hold a pair of binoculars. Knowing what fate awaited him, Kagura thought she should give the man a warning.

"Oi! Gorilla-san, I'd get down from there if I were-"

Before she could finish, a pair of arrows shot over the fence of the property and shattered the glass in Kondo's binoculars. The action startled him, causing him to fall, painfully banging against every branch on the way down.

"Otae-san! Oh- oww!" He screamed before his body crash-landed into the soil. His expression puckered in tears as his hands cradled his crotch, where one branch was unlucky enough to come in contact with.

Kagura shrugged.

"I tried to tell ya."

Otae emerged from the opening, viciously waving a weapon in her hand. "You gorilla, bastard! I told you- Oh! It's Kagura-chan. What brings you here? Come on in."

The two women heard one last yelp from the injured man behind them before they closed the gates. Otae muttered, "He's lucky the stalker satellite is being repaired from being used so much or I would've-"

"Ane-go. I have a question."

The brunette's murderous tone instantly sweetened. "Oh? Is it one of those girl things that only I can help you with?"

Not wanting to provoke Otae's wrath, Kagura went along. "Something like that. Ane-go, what was your sixteenth birthday like?"

The woman stopped, suddenly pressing her fingers against her chest as if she was having a hard time breathing. Watching as her pale skin turned red just as Shinpachi had warned, Kagura waved her hands in front of her desperately.

"I mean, if you don't want to talk about it- it's okay. I don't wanna know."

Giggling in what Kagura thought was an unnatural way and an insult to women everywhere, Otae suddenly declared, "You know what? I think I'm in the mood to cook. I want to cook a big lunch. You're hungry right, Kagura?"

"Well-"

"Right. Kagura-chan?" She halfway sung, halfway threatened when the girl didn't answer right away. "How about something with eggs?"

No! Anything, but that!

"Oi! Sadaharu!" Kagura forced a laugh as she slowly backed away toward the exit. "Actually, I just remembered that I have to go feed Sadaharu before he starts eating people instead. Maybe next time, okay?"

"Kagura-chan! Hey!"

Kagura closed off her ears as she ran back outside. Panting heavily and holding her knees, she turned to see that the gorilla was still there, except he was composed, giving her a strange look as he leaned against the same tree he fell from.

"Sixteen, huh?"

"How do you know that?"

"Why, it's my instincts, little girl? I just know these things because I am a man who has already gone through the joys and sufferings of a blossoming youth!"

"Instincts my ass, you eavesdropper, and don't call it blossoming youth! It sounds gross!"

"But isn't that what it is! Ah, I remember those days when my hormones-"

"Shut up and die! I don't wanna hear it!"

"And we drunk sake all night long-"

"Sadaharu!"

The large dog quickly obeyed, chomping his large, wet mouth over the yapping man's head. Ignoring Kondo's cries for help, Kagura waved him away. "Eat him, Sadaharu. Bones and all."

It was then that she bumped into an unexpected mass, accidentally jamming her bottom lip into her tooth in the process.

"Motherfu- oh! It's you…"

Scratching his flaxen cropped hair, Okita Sougo regarded her with the same upturned lip of disgust.

"This is why I didn't want to look for the captain during my lunch break. I haven't eaten yet and now that I've seen your face, I can't."

"Bite me."

"No thanks."

"Die."

"Not until I kill- I mean, Hijikata dies from natural and mysterious causes."

"If Sadaharu wasn't having so much fun eating your captain, I would tell him to eat you. But then again, I don't know where you've been."

"Can you tell that creature to let Kondo-san go, I mean, not that I care, but he pays my salary, you know? And as for where I've been- only places you want to be, but you'll never know about."

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean! And Sadaharu is NOT a creature! He's a cute, fluffy and fun, loving dog. He's just big boned."

"You'll know when you're older. Oi. I think Kondo's dead. Kondo-san? Are you still breathing?" Okita called out to the man still being chewed on by the girl's savage pet. Kondo gave him a trembling thumbs up signaling he was, indeed, still alive.

When he turned his gaze back to Kagura, to Sougo's surprise, he'd caught the girl with teary eyes and flustered cheeks. Rolling his eyes with a huff of his breath, Sougo asked, "What happened, little girl? Don't tell me all of a sudden you've got a delicate heart."

Kagura sniffled. "For- for your information, I am getting older! Tomorrow! But nobody cares!"

It was then that she ran off, leaving her dog behind along with a blood drenched Kondo and a slightly disturbed Okita. Managing to escape the dog's terror, Kondo set a hand on Sougo's shoulder.

"Hey. Who taught you how to talk to girls because you're not very good at it?"

Casting a quick glare in Kondo's direction, Sougo grumbled, "I manage. What's her problem, anyway?"

"Ah. The joys and sufferings of a newly aged sixteen-year-old girl. I bet it's her hormones or some drama concerning the boys in the park and her blossoming youth."

"…Don't refer to teen years as anything remotely related to flowers. You make it sound weird."

Kondo laughed as he released the third captain. "Funny. She said something similar."

"..."

Sougo wasn't quite sure how to respond to that, but it irritated him to have anything in common with the Yato girl. Brushing aside his annoyance, he followed his captain wordlessly back to headquarters.

Sixteen, huh? So, even monster girls have birthdays?

Kagura walked the dark streets of Edo, glumly dragging her umbrella behind and not caring who she tripped in the process… that included small moving vehicles such as bikes, tricycles, and carts. Ignoring the random strangers who cursed at her with raised fists and spit shooting from their mouths, it was obvious the girl was in a dampened mood, or else she would have shot those strangers full of holes by now. Sadaharu must have been having fun with gorilla-san earlier because when she ran off, he didn't follow. She guessed the dog might've sniffed its way home because feeding time was much more important than following her as she wallowed in her self-pity.

Sitting on a bench by the port, Kagura noted the breeze was getting cooler. Huddling for warmth, her arms collided with her growing breasts and she scoffed. They still weren't very big, but they were annoying enough to be in her way when she was trying to hug herself. Oblivious to the people around her, Kagura spoke down to her chest.

"Stop growing! I swear if you grow any bigger than this and I can't run properly, I'll have to downsize you guys!"

"So, you're boobs are guys, huh?"

"No, they're not- you again? Don't you have a job to do or something?"

Adorned in his Shinsengumi outfit, Sougo tipped his chin up. "I am. I'm patrolling the city."

"Well, go patrol somewhere else."

"I can't. Kondo-san assigns every member a certain street and if I move further down, I might end up in Hijikata's spot and accidentally set off the line of mines I set up by the ramen shop he likes to go to by the stool he always sits in during the same time, every Wednesday of every week."

"What ever happened to natural and mysterious causes?"

"It's natural if I say the Joui leader did it."

"Hmm. I bet."

Kagura's stomach rumbled shamelessly, and she squeezed her torso harder in hopes that he wouldn't notice. Wordlessly, Sougo began strolling in the other direction.

"Where are you going?"

"Don't worry about it. You're not my boss."

Her cheeks hot, she screamed, "Go to hell, then!"

Kagura didn't move from that bench. She sat there debating on whether or not she should bother going back home. She was still mad at Gin-chan and Shinpachi and at this point, she'd rather spend her birthday outside until it was over.

"What time is it, anyway?" she whispered unintentionally before a familiar voice answered.

"Almost midnight. Here."

The blond shoved a few sticks of takoyaki toward her, avoiding Kagura's sharp glare.

"Are they poisoned or something?"

"Believe me, if, or should I say, when, I want to kill you, I'd rather fight you myself. Poison only works on low-level beings, like Hijikata. You'd probably eat the poison like candy so it wouldn't work on you."

"Point taken," she said as she warily accepted the skewers of food from the older man. She ate them quickly and silently, afraid that if she said anything else, he might try to take the food back and she was hungry. As much as she couldn't stand the guy, food was food no matter who it was from…well, unless it was ane-go's eggs.

As she licked her fingers clean, the girl was far from satisfied with those few sticks, but it would hold her for a while. Sensing this, Okita remarked, "I'm not rich enough to feed you."

"Gin-chan isn't either, but I still get fed."

"And that's why you're all in debt."

"Shut up! I'll help pay it back…someday."

They stood quiet. Kagura kicked her legs back and forth as Sougo unsheathed his sword and began to wipe it clean with a cloth from his pocket. Bored, and mildly marveled, Kagura asked, "Can I see?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because it's mine."

"But I'm bored, and it's my birth-"

She stopped short and turned away. The awkward atmosphere grew between them until Sougo sighed. Glancing at his watch and returning his sword to its sheath, he spoke casually.

"I need to get back to work now. Here. This is from Kondo-san. He said its imperative that girls your age get cute, fluffy things because it helps them endure their blossoming youth."

He handed the girl a small, stuffed animal he had hidden in his vest. Trying to salvage his pride, he remarked, "And I detest pink, but Kondo-san said it's good for girls."

"Blossoming youth? Why does he keep referring to it like that? That idiot doesn't know anything, does he?"

Sougo was about to agree before he bit his tongue. It was midnight. Today was officially her birthday. He watched as her eyes dulled somewhat at the chime of a large clock from the terminal far off from them. She knew what time it was.

Irritated by her dampened mood, Okita leaned forward. Pinching her chin in his coarse fingers, he lightly brushed his lips against hers before she yanked away.

"What the fu-"

"Tell anyone I did that and I will slice you to shreds. Happy birthday, you creature."

The girl blinked for a moment, resting her palm on her cheek in surprise before she leaned back in and responded. She'd caught him off guard.

Ha ha. This is what you get for thinking I wouldn't get revenge. I'm not a piece of pie- err meat- oh, whatever!

Momentarily sinking into his lips as he drew closer to her, she noted that he smelled sort of – good? And his hair. It was soft. His lips were kind of nice, too.

When she pulled away, she retaliated, "If you tell anyone I did it back, I will feed you to Sadaharu."

Kagura walked back to the Yorozuya in a daze. She wasn't sure what this feeling was, but it was making her stomach feel sick. The heat in her body wouldn't go away. Maybe the breeze gave her a fever. She'd have to harass Gin-chan for medicine later.

When her feet landed inside the building, she was so tired, she headed straight for the closet. Stripping her clothes off in the dark and not caring about being modest, Kagura climbed into the wooden crevice to change inside.

The brief memory of Sougo's lips on hers flickered in her mind and she quickly shook it away. It was her first kiss.

Cramping herself into the closet successfully, she muttered a curse. Maybe she was getting too big for the closet.

With a sigh, she nuzzled into her pillow and whispered to herself.

"Happy Birthday to me."

In the back of her head, another voice repeated.

Happy Birthday, you creature…

BOOM!

CLACK!

"What the heck?" Kagura yanked the door to her "room" open, grinding her fists into her groggy eyes.

BOOM!

"Gin-chan! What the hell is all that racket!"

There was no answer and when she looked around, she realized she was the only one there.

"Bastards…"

Annoyed that she was so rudely awakened and that neither Gin-chan nor Shinpachi was there, she wobbled on one foot to get dressed before she stomped down the stairs outside. The noise got louder and Kagura cracked her knuckles with the intention of giving someone a bloody nose for ruining her beauty sleep. Her fingers clawed the entrance to the snack bar before she slammed it open.

"What the hell is wrong with you-"

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

The girl's words hung and dispersed into the air. A large, sloppily written, and no doubt, the work of Gin-chan, banner hung from the ceiling. Everyone gathered around the bar, where Gin-chan who was already half drunk with madao lent her a lazy smile. Shinpachi waved a fork at the cake resting on the surface.

"Gin-chan! Shinpachi! You remembered!"

"It was hard to forget with all the-"

"Gin-chan!" Shinpachi scolded.

"Happy sweet sixteen, Kagura. And I told you to stop leaving your girl clothes all over the house! I almost tripped over your dress this morning!"

"Gin-chan didn't want to wake you up."

Bursting with happiness, Kagura squeezed the two of them in an embrace. "Yay! Food! And you actually got up in the morning just for me? So, you do like me!"

"Maybe. Bah. Eat your damn cake, woman! We got two so that you could eat one all by yourself!"

"Woohoo!"

Kagura cheered, not caring that she hadn't brushed her teeth yet as she stuffed her cheeks into the frosting. As everyone else started to cut the other cake before Kagura could get to that one too, Shinpachi looked up to the girl.

"Hey. We were worried about you last night. Where were you all night?"

Suddenly the girl stopped eating, which they all immediately took as a bad omen.

"K-Kagura?"

Her face grew hot again and she began to fan herself. "You know what? I think I'm in the mood to clean right now."

Gintoki sucked in a sharp breath. Kagura and cleaning did not belong in the same sentence. The girl had never cleaned anything in her entire life, save her own body and even that was controversial at times.

Kagura held the remaining chunk of cake in one hand as she nibbled, grabbing a duster that had been lying around and swishing it in the air with her other hand. As the dust began to cloud the room and make everyone's eyes itch, everyone ran desperately to the door for fresh air.

"What the hell is wrong with that girl? She's acting weird!"

Shinpachi had an expression of terror, as if he'd recognized the odd behavior from the start. Otae approached behind them with a knowing smile, but still offered nothing on this new result.

"Gin-chan! I think- I think Kagura's acting the same way my sister acts whenever I mention her sixteenth birthday! What are we gonna do?"

Fearful for his health, Gintoki clutched Otae's shoulders in his hands. "Otae-san! What the hell is wrong with her? You've got to spit it out!"

It was a moment before Otae nodded. This was for Kagura. It was important that her guardians know.

"I- I think she might have a crush on someone. I had my first kis- when I was her age."

"Kiss? WHAT? I'll kill him! I'll wring his balls off! Let me at him!"

"Gin-chan! We need to find a time machine and erase her memory! This boy, whoever he is, has polluted her MIND!"

Meanwhile, Otae drew deeper into her own reminiscence as she watched Kagura unsuccessfully "clean" the snack bar. Twirling a strand of hair along her finger, she cooed to herself.

"I don't remember him well because he was a stranger. The war was going on and he was living off the streets."

The two men stopped shaking one another to tune into her story.

"I never found out his name, but he was so dirty, I couldn't even tell what color his hair was. He found me crying because of my father being on his deathbed, and he smiled at me. He said it would be okay."

Gintoki's eyes widened. His stomach dropped to his knees.

"Gin-chan? What's wrong?" Shinpachi asked, but the man was in another world.

Otae continued to be oblivious. "I asked him, 'how do you know?' And he said, he just knew. His eyes looked as if they'd seen worse things and he looked like a man that had just lost everything. I gave him a bucket of water to clean his face. And he gave me a kiss in return."

"GIN-CHAN!"

Gintoki held the wall for support as he vomited from shock. He denied it in his head. Over and over. But now it was there. Staring him in the face.

"Otae-san, by any chance, did you meet this man by the port as the survivors from the war were coming off the ship?"

Finally aware of Gin's condition, Otae nodded. "Yes?"

Gintoki swallowed, tears in his eyes, "Was it during the winter time?"

"Well, yeah… Wait a minute. Gin-san-"

"There was this young girl, when I got off the ship that took the injured off the battle field once the war was over. She was the first female thing I'd seen in months, and I just wanted contact with anything at that point. And- and-"

He didn't want to say anymore, but it was too late now. It was now or never.

"And she gave me the water to clean my face because it was-"

"...Too cold to wet your hair…" She finished.

The commotion between everyone stopped. Even Kagura had ceased her mindless dusting to watch the situation unfolding between Shinpachi's sister and Gin-chan.

"…Gin-san? You aren't suggesting that YOU were the one who gave me my FIRST kiss, are you?" Otae threatened, blood lust in her voice as she choked his collar around his neck.

"I'm- I'm sorry, Otae-san! I swear! I had no idea-"

"So, it was only because you were sex deprived, was it? You were trying to get into my innocent sixteen year old panties, weren't you?"

"No! You got it all wrong! Now that I know it was you, I would not have dreamed of getting into your panties!"

"…"

"Uh oh…"

"You BASTARD! You ruined my birthday memory and I will be scarred for life! I HATE YOU!"

Amused at ane-go ramming Gin's head into a brick wall, Kagura approached Shinpachi who held his ears traumatically.

"You okay, Shinpachi?"

Crying rivers of tears, Shinpachi whined, "Gin-chan! My sister! I think I feel sick."

Shinpachi clamped his mouth with both hands the moment he tasted the sour gravel erupting in the back of his throat. Disgusted, he muttered miserably, "I hope the person you kissed was at least someone I can be happy abo-"

Just as he was about to finish that sentence, a group of Shinsengumi members drove by in their police cars. In the window of one, Kagura caught the reflection of Sougo, who covertly acknowledged the girl with a smirk before he kept on driving. By the second's worth of their eyes meeting, Shinpachi surmised there was something he had missed. As the car disappeared down the street, Kagura began to sway back and forth coyly, her cheeks beginning to redden again.

When the realization struck him, Shinpachi screamed.

"NooOOOoooOoo!"

If anyone seems OOC or I made a mistake on how the characters refer to each other, please let me know. I didn't have an episode to check on what Sougo calls Kondo or what Kagura calls Otae.

And for those of you that don't know, the holiday I refer to earlier is the "Coming of Age" day for twenty year olds to be welcomed as adults.