Disclaimer: do not own Transformers.

Summary: Oneshot, G1 crack. After an explosion via Wheeljack, the Autobots have been turned into cuddly organic quadrupeds.

Author note: An offshoot of a bunny over at tfbunnyfarm. Also: apparently the Decepticon's second ship (the one that succeeded Nemesis) is unnamed. So, for the purposes of this crack fic, the Decepticon's ship/underwater base thing shall be called Penelope. Just because.

"Talking."

Cat talking.

Autocats

"This is the humans' first line of defense?!" sneered Megatron, looking at the pathetic organic quadrupeds that separated the Decepticons from their next victim. He gave a short laugh. "No wonder the puny organics need the Autobots."

"Betcha I can squish ten in one stomp," Frenzy said, nudging his brother.

Ravage was looking at the now yowling things with a strange look in her optics. "I want to take one home."

The other Decepticons looked at her. "What?" she asked.

"No," Soundwave said flatly, his optics returning to their normal size from behind his visors.

"But—but…"

"No."

"But Frenzy and Rumble got to bring a snake home!"

"Oh yeah," Rumble said as Frenzy snickered. "We still haven't found it."

"I tire of this game," Megatron said suddenly. "Decepticons, atta—att—a—ACHOO!"

"Megatron? What the—" Starscream's taunting voice was interrupted by ten consecutive sneezes. Pretty soon, the entire Decepticon force was sniffling and sneezing. Someone tried to attack the source of their aggravation—the mob of felines that dared to come closer, and started darting in between their legs, worsening their allergies—but missed and hit another Decepticon. Then someone else suffered a malfunction, and at each sneeze his cannon gave an involuntary blast, each time hitting another Decepticon.

"Decepti—ACHOO!—cons! Retreat to—ACHOO!—Penelope!"

And with that, the Decepticon strike force withdrew.

The leader of the cats—easily one of the biggest, with rust red and smoky blue fur—looked at the retreating Decepticons with satisfaction.

Wow, Optimus, a black-and-white cat with a visor said, coming up next to the big one. Who thought that the 'cons were allergic to cats?

Enough chit-chat. We have to get back to base and fix this, a rust-red and white cat said. Before another Decepticon attack arises!

Duly noted, Red Alert. Wheeljack, Optimus-cat said, turning to the cat with rather large black ears. Wheeljack, how long until the effects of your latest blast are reversed?

Well, considering that I no longer possess any fingers, let alone opposable thumbs…Wheeljack-cat said ruefully. I say a few days?

Shocked silence.

Hey, maybe those organic pipsqueaks can help! 'Bout time they do something other than be hostages for the 'cons to use! Sunstreaker-cat said, to the grumbles of more than a few of his colleagues.

Hmm…not how I would word it, but it does look like we will need the help of our human allies, Optimus-cat mused. And with that, the furry horde pranced off to their base.

See, I told you we should have kept that box of kittens, Bluestreak-cat triumphantly.

X x X

"Where did all these cats come from?" Carly asked. The two teenagers had entered the Autobot base, only to find that there were cats everywhere. They were on the desks, all over Teletraan-1, littering the floor, in the corners and in the chairs…Sparkplug had hastily excused himself, leaving before his allergies acted up.

"I have no idea," Spike said, taking in the sight as the cats converged on the two teens, meowing and rubbing against their legs. "Well, Bluestreak was pretty crushed that time Prowl said that he couldn't keep that box of kittens."

"And Hound also wanted to keep them…"

"And Beachcomber."

"And Bumblebee."

"And…well, about half the base."

"You think that this is their way of retaliating?" Carly asked. The cats were swarming around them now, each yowling and weaving in and out of their legs, and generally getting underfoot as they tried to make their way through the Autobot base.

"Well, I wouldn't put it past them…Guys? Guys? Is anyone here?" Spike asked out. No one answered, except the cats who yowled even louder.

Scrap! They can't understand us! Ironhide-cat said, pushing against Carly to no avail. The two teens carefully stepped over the cats, looking into the various rooms of the Autobot base. The Autocats followed, trying to get their pleas for help across.

Stupid organics, Sunstreaker-cat muttered. He jumped lightly and elegantly on a desk next to Carly, so that he and the humans could see eye-to-eye. Hey! Over here! We're over here! Scrappit, are you glitchin' blind AND deaf! We're over—

"Oh hello, pretty kitty," Carly said as she and Spike admired the cat. It was easily the most beautiful cat that either of them ever saw, larger than most of the cats, and covered in luxurious golden fur that darkened near the ear tips. "Do you want to be petted, huh? Is that what you want?"

No, you dead end in evolution! That's not what I—Carly picked up Sunstreaker-cat, and started stroking him right behind the ears. Wow, Sunstreaker-cat said after a pause. That feels rather…Then he started purring. Another cat, like the golden cat Carly was stroking in shape but a beautiful reddish colour, stopped in its yowls for a minute.

Slaggit, stupid cat-shape can't laugh! Sideswipe-cat said, turning around in circles. Bro, I'm never gonna let you live this down.

You're just jealous, Sunstreaker-cat said from Carly's shoulder, eyes half-closed.

So you get stroked. Big whoop. It's not like it—Spike picked up the reddish counterpart of the cat that Carly was stroking. It was an unconscious move on his part, and he started stroking the cat behind the ears absently. Well, Sideswipe-cat said after a pause. That does feel pleasant. Then he started purring too.

Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, you must focus, Optimus-cat said sternly. You must—Then he stopped as Carly, putting down Sunstreaker-cat to the bot-cat's annoyance, picked up Optimus-cat.

"Hey, Spike," she said, showing the cat to him while stroking it behind the ears. "Does this remind you of anyone?" Optimus-cat purred, eyes half-closed. Well, we don't have to do anything for a while, he mused. This feels so nice…

Red Alert-cat and Prowl-cat, with their fur all spiked up, twitched. Ratchet-cat pounced on them, threatening to skin them alive if they crashed.

Spike inspected the rust-red and smoky-blue feline. "No," he said, and then, seeing something at the corner of his eye, put down Sideswipe-cat and picked up a yowling black and white cat. "But this one does remind me of Jazz," he said. The black and white cat was wearing a visor. Spike shook his head. "We really need to tell the guys that there are some things you don't accessorize cats with."

They passed by Wheeljack's lab. It normal— it looked like an explosion just happened recently.

"Spike," Carly said, turning to him. "You don't think that an explosion got the Autobots, and for some really weird reason, turned them into all these cats?"

Yes! Yes, that's exactly what happened! Wheeljack cat said, pushing through the throng to push against Carly's leg.

There was a pause, and then Carly burst out laughing.

"Gotcha," she said.

"Don't do that, Carly!" Spike said, a smile of relief creeping over his features. "For a minute there, I thought you were serious!"

"Oh, come off it, Spike," she said, shaking her head and putting down a clingy Optimus-cat. "Like that could ever happen!"

So close! Wheeljack-cat said morosely.

Not exactly, Cliffjumper-cat said crossly, keeping up with the herd.

"Come on, I guess we should feed these guys," Spike said, leading the way into the kitchen.

Spike, Carly, Optimus-cat said, leading the horde. Please listen. We have to—

And then, as one, the Autocats said:

MILK!

They converged again, this time gathering around the milk bowls that the two humans set out. They couldn't help it. The milk had the same power over them as the power of a scratch-behind-the-ears.

Spike gently plucked out a small cat who was almost jostled out of the way. He was a small guy, almost kitten in size. He was covered in soft buttermilk-coloured fur, and his ears were curved in a strange way, looking almost like—

Spike laughed off the uncanny resemblance. "Aw, you must be the runt of the litter, huh?"

Slag, Bumblebee-cat said, settling in the crook of Spike's arm. Even as a cat, I can't win. The teenager put him down an extra saucer for him. He purred as Spike absently stroked him behind the ears.

"I wonder where everyone is," Spike said. "It's not like them to let the Ark be empty."

"I know," Carly said. "I hope nothing happened to them…"

You know, as much as I'm enjoyin' this, Jazz-cat said, lapping up the milk. I do want to get back to my Autobot self soon.

Yummy…well, gentlemen, allow me to attempt to communicate with our well-meaning but uncomprehending comrades, Perceptor-cat said. He jumped lightly on the table next to the humans. He cleared his throat.

"Meow."

The rest of the Autocats gave a sigh. Come off it, Percy. That's not going to work…Ironhide-cat said, his words trailing off as Spike and Carly looked at Perceptor-cat in an odd way.

"Perceptor?!" they asked together.

"Meow."

"The Autobots really have become cats?" Carly said, looking around at the rather flabbergasted Autocats.

"Meow. Meow. Meow meow meow."

"Through the effects of a really strange, logic-processor breaking explosion?"

"Meow."

"And you fought off the Decepticons in these forms?"

"Meow."

"And you need us to change you back because you don't have opposable thumbs, and can't rebuild the device or whatever?"

"Meow."

"Well, let's get to Wheeljack's lab and fix you guys!" Spike said, he and Carly picking up as many Autocats as they could, and sprinting for the lab.

How did you do that? Ratchet-cat asked Perceptor-cat.

Perceptor-cat looked smug. I have a way with words.

Then why didn't ya do that before?! Ironhide-cat demanded.

Perceptor-cat flicked his tail elegantly. Because this whole experience was just fascinating.

X x X

After the effects were reversed…

"Hey, Bumblebee?"

"Yeah?"

"You guys do know that you're not cats anymore, right?"

"Yeah."

"Less talking, more petting," Sunstreaker muttered.

Spike and Carly looked at each other, and sighed, and each went back to stroking their engine-purring Autobots.