It's not so much that she is shallow, but as they say power is a very strong aphrodisiac, maybe it's just her type or something? Maybe she subconsciously comparing men to her father? They say it's not uncommon for girls to do that.

I sighed and leaned back in the library chair. My thoughts trail back to why I am in this troublesome situation in the first place.

"You should try to become jounin as well." To anyone else besides myself this would have been a pretty straightforward advice from one friend to the other, but I know better. It was code. The exact meaning eludes me still, women after all are very different from men, but I'm pretty sure it meant something like "I'd like you better if you were jounin."

What a lame reason to want to become jounin, in a way I'm just as whipped as my own pathetic father. Sure, that guy is an accomplished shinobi in every way and a war veteran at that, but in his every day life he would either be getting drunk with his buddies or get yelled at by mom. Come to think of it, I never really wanted to pry into the exact reason why this one-sided abusive relationship seems to work for them somehow, probably in fear of figuring out something about my parents I don't want to. Something perverted probably. Chouji's parents, and Ino's parents too, they seem to be more a traditional happy household, yeah, to borrow an expression that Chouji sometimes uses, my own family could never be the main characters in a story. Although we are certainly happy enough, and it works somehow, at face value we're too dysfunctional.

Trying to become jounin because a girl told me to, if I ever told that to my buddies, they would probably not even believe me. On the other hand, my team-mates will probably connect the dots and figure out it had to be Temari, and with that out in the open, it would end up being very troublesome indeed. Our group, all their virtues aside, still is a little childish for their age when it came to this sort of thing and they would probably tease me about it. Kiba and Naruto are guaranteed to do that and Lee would just make awkward comments that are just as troublesome in public.

Perhaps they are just being normal, and I'm just ahead for my age, I feel I have learned a lot about how the world works and about life and death, there is no place for naïve ambitions like becoming an avenger at the cost of everything important, or becoming Hokage to prove yourself, or taking over the world for that matter. Things never turn out that way, except in Jiraiya's stories.

Of course I think there's a place for love and happiness in the life of a shinobi, but it's more fleeting by nature. We're often told being constantly surrounded by life and death, it's a large emotional burden a shinobi has to carry, and as a result, many amongst the shinobi are emotionally a little crippled or unadjusted.

As for myself I think I'm doing pretty well dealing with my emotions, experiences have made me stronger but not yet to the point where I have no feelings. That's probably why I get this gnawing feeling that I have become the unofficial leader of our group. It's unspoken but it's in the little things where I notice it. It's always me who had to lead the missions and give the reports to the superiors, and even give the motivational talks. When we're in a tough situation they always count on me to give around instructions too. It wasn't even because I became chuunin first, Neji is already a jounin now and everyone else has an equal rank to mine. I realize now that fate can be ironic, in my quest to become an average guy amidst a generation of overachievers with great ambitions I have become the most solid and reliable guy, for them to fall back on. Looking back, that's probably what the Third saw in me years ago and why I was apparently recommended for chuunin by him personally. What a drag, the old geezer just had to be such an involved Hokage that he knew me better than I knew myself.

My thoughts got interrupted, as I saw Sai enter the library too. I give him a quick subtle nod to acknowledge his presence but not to engage him in conversation, after all, I do have stuff to do. Sai wouldn't have been Sai if he didn't understand subtle gestures, and as I feared and also somewhat expected, he walks over to my table.

"Ah, what are you doing here Shikamaru-san?" Sai said with his typical squinting smile on his face.

"Heh, well it's troublesome, but I decided to try out for jounin, and one of the requirements is to learn the people in the bingo book by heart." I told him. It wasn't a complete lie, it's true that I did decide to try out for jounin, I just happened to leave out the reason why.

"Oh, how interesting." Sai stated bluntly. If I didn't know any better I could have sworn it was sarcasm. "I'm here to read the books on human behaviour."

Actually, I never really cared much for Sai personally. As a shinobi he is definitely good enough to trust with my life, but as a person he is just a magnet for troublesome and awkward situations. As I understand it, he wants to become better adjusted and that is commendable enough and as good a goal as any, but it's just a matter of time until he will make an honest assumption and involuntarily insult people.

"That's great Sai, then let's both be quiet and concentrate on our reading material." I told him. Sai responded to that with a big smile and nod. Somehow I suspect his smiles are probably fake but they do look very convincing. He must have practised it a lot.

My eyes go back to the pages in the book. The bingo book in the library is outdated by a few years, a lot of guys that had died recently still have an entry in the book. It can't be helped, the library is also available to civilians, and only Anbu and the elite jounin have the most recent editions. News in the outside world doesn't spread as quickly in certain circles. Most, if not all of the civilians in Konoha and maybe even in the nation of Fire don't even know much of anything about the affairs of shinobi, let alone people like Akatsuki and Orochimaru.

Konoha's section is the biggest. Not only does the bingo book list missing-nin, but as I found out, it also lists strong ninja that are known by reputation regardless of them defecting or not. Asuma and Kakashi for example are in the book. I remember Kakuzu recognised Asuma-sensei, and from what I heard from Sakura, this Zabuza fellow they had fought with had also recognised Kakashi. So apparently when you became powerful enough you became part of this world where everyone knows each other by reputation. So I figure even if somehow they would end up as opponents, acknowledging each other's power by knowing who they are by reputation is a form of mutual respect. That definitely isn't the kind of attention I need to have.

Realising that Hidan might also have an entry I quickly flipped the page to see it. It's dumb, I should have known it wouldn't be updated yet, since I had seen Asuma-sensei's entry and it wasn't updated either.

Come to think of it, technically Hidan wasn't dead, so he couldn't be scratched from the bingo book anyway. To the outside world he is still at large. Looking back, it was proof of good foresight that Tsunade decided not to ask about the exact details and not to publish the information of my victory to other villages. It wasn't exactly a real mission to begin with. Single-handedly defeating a missing-nin with the calibre of an Akatsuki would normally mean an immediate promotion to jounin, but also an entry in the bingo book. Ideally I would want to be a jounin but not drawing too much attention to myself in the process. There are a few jounin in the village that live in relative anonymity, that's pretty much what I am aiming for too. But by now, I know that at some point down the road my plans will get messed up anyway. Even wanting a normal life in an abnormal world is a naïve goal to strive for. Perhaps I'm not so different from the others after all.

--

I let out a yawn as I stretch back a bit. I understand that I'm procrastinating even with these little gestures. Old habits die hard, even if I want to become a cool adult, I'm still generally lazy.

Let's go over the bingo book again. I suppose there's a certain irony to start with Sasuke. After all, he was my first mission as a chuunin all those years ago. It's unfortunate how easily he is influenced by strong people. As I said to Ino years ago in the forest of death, even a genius will crumble under the pressure of the real world. It's hard to imagine we were once shoulder to shoulder as Konoha nin. He was one of us. No, actually he was on the horizon, he was at the place the rest of us aspired to be. From that distance he seemed like the perfect shinobi, skilled, motivated, calculating, even flawless. But from that distance we couldn't see he had many flaws.

His psychological analysis in the files we have on him revealed he has a tendency to be easily overwhelmed emotionally when the odds are against him. I guess we never noticed because amongst us there was never anyone who could overwhelm him anyway. That must explain why he makes such poor choices when it comes to his dealings with powerful figures like Orochimaru and his brother.

I wonder sometimes what I would say if I would run into him. Would I understand him, or are we in different worlds, and are our views too different? I'm not like Naruto, I don't believe he can be saved. I have often thought about the subject over the years, as I would lay back and enviously watch the clouds pass in the sky, my thoughts will drift uncontrolled, I might not be sane if I didn't let my thoughts run loose from time to time.

Looking at the facts I can only conclude he has travelled down the spiral of violence and death much further than we have. His quest for power at the cost of everything, it has probably stripped him of his humanity. To gain that much power in such a short while, large sacrifices must be made.

Surely Sasuke isn't so naïve that he doesn't understand that the drugs and techniques Kabuto and Orochimaru gave him were made by sacrificing many lives. It's sad, but the very fact that he has this power means many people have died for him to get it.

Because of that, I fear that his power alone, regardless of his actions, makes him beyond redemption. Itachi must have been impressive if Sasuke didn't think he could ever hope to beat him with his own strength. Naruto doesn't see it this way, but it doesn't matter. Even if somehow he brought him back to the village, and even if somehow lady Tsunade would not kill him right there and then, the council of elders and Anbu will come to the same conclusion as I have. There is no place for Sasuke in Konoha any more, it will be a big shock to team 7 when the day comes that they drag him back to Konoha and find out he will have to be executed. I hope, for Naruto and Sakura's sake that they never catch him, and never have to find out that the promise they made to each other when they were kids would turn out to be the thing that kills their friend.

"You, who were once one of the rookie nine like us, have you changed so much that your loyalty to us means nothing to you any more?"

That's probably what I would say to him, if I ever met him. I know the answer already but that's how I feel. That's how we all feel. I didn't like him that much personally, but damn it, he was one of us, that has to be worth something. And all these years all of us have felt a great sense of loss about it, while he probably never gave us a second thought.

As I look at his picture one more time before I flip the page, I notice it's still a picture of him made when we were all genin. It's nostalgic and I understand a little bit why Naruto still fights for him. He doesn't fight for the current Sasuke, he fights for the old one, the one standing on the horizon ahead of us. He owes so much to that Sasuke, not the current one. A small smile appears on my face as I think about it, Naruto might be the kind of person to be the main character of a story after all, because through this all, he proves that his loyalty and will of fire is in a different way, stronger than any of ours.

Where ever you are Sasuke, and where ever you end up, I hope you find some sort peace with yourself, and that you'll never run into me, because troublesome as it may be, unlike Naruto, my loyalty to Konoha is greater than my loyalty to you, and I will have to catch you.