Author's Note: I finally got around to surfing this site again, so I stumbled on an interesting little story entitled Not a Sasuhina. I read it, laughed, then wondered why a Sasuhina fan hadn't tried to write something similar just for the tongue-in-cheek effect. About two hours and three empty pudding cups later, this was born. XD

Uchiha Sasuke had what you might call an aversion to girls. Hated them. They had the habit of hugging, clinging, whining, primping, and generally trying to distract attention from the purpose at hand (training, fighting, or studying) with their fixation with irrationalities like feelings.

Girls, however, had what you might call an obsession with Uchiha Sasuke. Short of literally kidnapping him, they pursued him with a steely resolve and one-minded doggedness only twelve-year-old romantically-starved ninja-in-training girls could.

Uchiha Sasuke was resolved to end this annoyance once and for all. After having gone through the pros and cons of various plans, he'd come up with what he felt was the perfect solution-and, the best part of it was that he could begin to execute it in the (relative) comfort of the Konoha Academy classroom.

"Hey, Hinata," Sasuke called out casually, bracing himself for the strange reaction his female classmate was sure to have. Shock? Righteous indignation? Quiet refusal? Stunned silence?

"H-hai, Uchiha-san?" Hinata asked, slight surprise on her face to be addressed by him after years of politely ignoring each other.

"Let's pretend to go out," Sasuke offered as coolly as if he'd asked the question dozens of times before.

"…!"

Stunned silence it was, then. Hinata opened and closed her mouth, blush rising to her face, before she decided to settle on gaping at Sasuke like a helpless fish.

"Well?" Sasuke paused impatiently. That seemed to snap her a little back into reality.

"W-w-why? U-u-um, I m-mean, w-we don't-…I-I like…You h-hate…" she sputtered incoherently for a few seconds before a light bulb went off in her head. "I see," she murmured softly. "But…Uchiha-san, I-I don't th-think it'll benefit e-either of us to pretend to g-g-go out."

"You're behind on this week's jutsu and you haven't completely grasped two of the basic ones even though Iruka-sensei and the others haven't noticed," Sasuke replied curtly.

"H-huh? B-b-but-"

"Your technique's the problem on all three of those jutsus, so even if you practiced for hours it wouldn't get better, right? I'll train you." The condition on which he would hung heavy in the air between them-Hinata, after all, wasn't exactly a ninja prodigy, but she wasn't dumb either.

"I-I don't think you u-understand," Hinata answered as firmly as she could manage. "I d-d-don't think you'll benefit."

"The girls here respect you-or your clan, at least-enough to leave me alone if they think I'm dating you," Sasuke said. "I think they're annoying but even I know they won't try to beat you up or anything."

Hinata paused for a moment as she considered it. "A-alright," she agreed hesitantly.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. She'd been unexpectedly easy to convince. Against his reason, he decided to push his good luck to find out why. "You don't like me, do you?" he asked, feeling the need to make sure.

Hinata shook her head as vehemently as it was possible for her nature. "N-N-Naru-Naruto-kun," she managed to squeak out, cheeks ablaze. "T-that's why w-we're p-pretending, r-right?"

"No complaints about 'lying is wrong'?" he asked a little more harshly than necessary.

Pearly eyes met his nervously but resolutely. "L-lying is e-everything in the ninja world," she said almost evenly. "B-besides, i-i-if Uchiha-san's a-asking for a favor, it must be r-rather difficult to p-put up with. A-and you promised to t-train me," she added as an afterthought, as if trying to ease his invisible discomfort at owing anyone anything.

"It's a deal, then?" Sasuke said curtly. Hinata nodded, an although it still won't benefit you still blatantly showing in her blank expression.

The plan was put into action as soon as recess began.

The complications of said plan also began then.

"H-h-how are we s-supposed to act?" Hinata asked him timidly.

"…just act natural," Sasuke said impassively, trying to hide the fact that he had no clue about relationships either. (It certainly didn't help that the only type of relationship he'd ever had with a girl was of the chasing-until-a-restraining-order-was-officially-filed kind.) What did couples do again? Make eyes at each other? No way. Hug? Out of the question. Kiss? …he still had some pride as a twelve-year-old boy darn it, and he certainly wasn't going to kiss anyone while he could help it! It was a good thing that all the other boys were currently spending their recess wandering in the village, attempting to finish a male-ninja assignment that Sasuke had been done with a day earlier.

Sasuke almost jumped as he felt someone's hand slip into his. "I-I'm s-s-sorry," Hinata stuttered. "B-but I thought this was something p-pretty simple we c-could do."

If this was a romance novel, Sasuke supposed there would have been an awkward pleasantness to this, a blush on both of their faces. Instead the moment felt oddly devoid of any such feeling-sort of like holding someone's hand in a kindergarten circle.

Apparently, holding Hinata's hand in a kindergarten circle was enough to make his admirers jealous, if the mixed scowls and upset faces were any indication.

"Hey, Hinata," Ino greeted Hinata boldly, determined look on her face indicating she wouldn't settle for plain curiosity, "are you going out with Sasuke-kun?"

"Y-y-yes," Hinata blushed, looking down at the ground and biting her lip. Although it was most likely a mixture of guilt and inability to lie, Sasuke noted with satisfaction that it could also be taken as maidenly timidity (which, Sakura claimed when she narrated her imaginary fairy tales to him, was a show of true love.)

This answer seemed to satisfy Ino, as she turned with a shrug. "Good luck with him, then, Hinata. You're pretty lucky, you know?" she smiled as she drifted off to collect flowers for an assignment.

"H-hold it, Ino-pig! Are you going to let Hinata have Sasuke just like that, without a fight?" Sakura asked to no avail.

"I-I'm sorry, Sakura-chan," Hinata apologized, "b-but U-Uchih-er…Sasuke-kun…a-asked me to g-go out a-a-and…a-and I'm a-afraid I c-couldn't refuse." It wasn't exactly a lie, anyway…

"Sasuke-kun! Why her?" Sakura changed tactics, targeting on Sasuke instead. "She doesn't even have long hair!"

"That can change in three years," Sasuke muttered blankly. "Besides, she's the only girl in class who's not annoying."

"But that's not enough to base a relationship on! Besides, doesn't she like Naruto?" Sakura insisted.

"Well, if you must know," Sasuke smirked, starting to get into the act and releasing Hinata's hand to put his arm around her shoulder (Hinata tried to play off her nervous jump with a weak smile), "we complete each other." This pretending was actually somewhat interesting, if he just treated it as a disguise assumed on a mission.

"You do? But she's too quiet for you!"

"Have you two even talked before this?"

"She's the type of girl you always complain about-useless and weak!"

A horde of girls who liked him pitched named reasons that his and Hinata's "relationship" would fail ranging from Hinata hating tomatoes (did she?) to her liking flower-pressing and consequent abuse of the environment he "so loved to take walks in."

Cliché #1, Hinata's No Fan-Girl Syndrome: Failure

Cause of Status: Not Taken Seriously Enough in the Face of Other Trivial Details.

Taking in Hinata's form, slumping a little bit more and cringing with each insult, Sasuke realized it'd be up to him to stop the girls' increasing chatter before they made his reluctant and pretend girlfriend cry. Because crying would make her vulnerable to revealing the truth, he quickly thought. Not because crying would make him feel guilty. Not at all.

"Hinata," he said, once again appreciating the lack of males present, "is the light to my darkness. She's just the type of person I need to get over my innate childhood trauma. Her pacifistic nature completely balances my own dark yearnings and her kindness and sincerity has broken past my cold-hearted shell."

"Really," a voice in the crowd challenged him.

"Yes," Sasuke replied, annoyed. Granted, every bit of the speech was pure dramatic falsehood and most of those lines had been shamelessly ripped off of his fan-girls' confessions and love letters, but he'd doubt anyone would actually notice.

"Hinata-sama, however, is not available at the moment to help you recuperate from your innate childhood trauma or your dark yearnings. She's due for an emergency family meeting directly after school," the challenging voice scowled, identifying itself as the recently-graduated Hyuuga Neji.

Cliché #2, Yin to Yang Matchmaking: Failure

Cause of Status: Cheesy to the Point of Disbelief.

Sasuke resisted the urge to die of mollification before turning back to glare at Neji. Honestly, he thought. If Hinata had an overprotective psychotic family member, she could have at least been polite enough to mention it.

"A-ah, I'm sorry, Neji-niisan," Hinata stuttered "I-I'm in ch-charge of classroom duties t-today. I-It can wait, r-right?"

"I wouldn't know. Something about main house regulations. I'll speak to Iruka-sensei about letting you switch days with a classmate if that's all," Neji said coldly, managing to somehow glare at both his cousin and Sasuke at the same time. Although there was no romantic tension in the air as far as he was concerned, Sasuke nevertheless inwardly grinned at the invisible fury Neji exerted as he saw Sasuke's hand on Hinata's arm.

"Uchiha-san," Neji finally spoke, "Am I to take it you're bent on courting my cousin?"

"N-n-no, Neji-niisan…S-S-Sasuke-kun is m-m-my boyfriend," Hinata murmured quietly.

A light went off in Neji's face, as if that was the signal he was looking for. "Uchiha-san. Please meet me after school," he almost smirked. "There's a little Hyuuga tradition I feel you must know."

Cliché #3, Fake Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Failure.

Cause of Status: Hyuuga Hinata's general ineffectiveness in lying, Uchiha Sasuke's general ineffectiveness at feigning anything close to romantic emotions, Hyuuga Neji's insistence on a tradition that "to court a Hyuuga heir, one must first defeat a predetermined Hyuuga branch member", and Fate for making Uchiha Sasuke one year younger than Hyuuga Neji, subsequently still Sharingan-less and ignorant of the Hyuuga blind spot.

Seeing an old Hyuuga elder at his door should have sent off warning bells in his head, but Sasuke was much too tired from the day's random and unforeseen activities (outrunning a female admirer or two was standard procedure, but who in their right mind would expect to duel a rabid Neji?) to notice anything out of the ordinary.

"Good evening, Uchiha-san," the old lady wheezed out, giving him a formal bow.

Sasuke blinked for a moment then chose to just glare in response. It wouldn't be the first time he sacrificed social etiquette for convenience.

"You must be wondering what brought me here to your honorable abode," she continued after it became apparent that yes, Sasuke was indeed planning to let her stand outside in plain silence if she didn't speak up again.

"Not really," he answered bluntly. "Just wondering what'll it take for you to leave."

"I won't beat around the proverbial bush," the old lady smiled with a conspiratorial grin even though she was doing just that, Sasuke thought with a twitch.

"In order to strengthen clan relations, and in order to explore the possibilities of cough evolutionary and radical changes to our kekkei genkai, as well as to-"

Sasuke tuned out the remainder of the old Hyuuga lady's thirty-minute speech, almost slamming the door in her face but deciding that pretending to hear her out and then saying "no" to whatever she was selling would be more efficient.

"-in conclusion, we, the Hyuuga, wish to activate the engagement clause in the Hyuuga-Uchiha treaty."

Sasuke blinked, wondering if he'd heard correctly. "The engagement clause?" he echoed, careful not to let confusion seep into his voice.

"Yes. You see, Uchiha-kun," the old lady explained, "The engagement clause in our clans' treaty was written in case either of our clans was ever interested in the possibility of an increase in power. All you and Hinata have to do is become engaged."

"And that'll give me and my non-existent clan more power?" Sasuke muttered sarcastically.

"Oh my," the old Hyuuga simpered, gleefully mistaking Sasuke's sullenness for confusion, "I'd forgotten you were still a child. It's actually very simple. When a member from one powerful clan and a member from another love each other very much, they get married and produce genetically elite babies whose skills benefit both their clans."

"…Is that so?" he asked stoically, trying to stop his left eye from twitching in anger.

"Well…that is, hypothetically speaking. Since Hinata-chan is no longer the most probable candidate to inherit the Hyuuga fortune and since Neji-kun implied that you wished to court her, you two are very fortunate to be able to test this theory out!" the Hyuuga grandma beamed.

Sasuke briefly considered whether the assassination of a Hyuuga elder and consequent fugitive status couldn't be excused if he told the Hokage that said elder had been infuriatingly annoying.

Nope. The Hokage was too much of a "caring", "humanitarian" individual to let it slide.

Darn it.

"I have no wish to court Hinata just because we both happen to have weird eye colors," Sasuke spat out. "Or for any other reason," he added quickly, making sure the old hag wouldn't misunderstand.

Cliché #4, Bloodline Engagement: Failure.

Cause of Status: Genetic therapy for ninjas is just plain creepy, Uchiha Sasuke is stubborn, and arranged marriages are not made for twelve-year-old Avengers.

"But Uchiha-kun," she began to protest.

At this moment, a familiar tan blob materialized out of what appeared to be thin air.

"Obaa-san," Hinata panted, clearly exhausted. "I've been l-looking all over for-" she paused as she realized exactly where she was. Pale eyes turned, terrified, towards Sasuke.

"Sh-sh-she didn't-? …d-did she…? Sh-she couldn't have a-asked you to m-marry me, Uchiha-san?" Hinata stuttered, face ablaze with embarrassment as Sasuke only gave a vaguely annoyed nod.

"I-I'm terribly sorry for the disturbance! Sh-she's a very nice person, r-really, i-it's just she used to be a m-matchmaker in her younger d-days, so she occasionally s-slips out a-and does this kind of th-thing…A-anyway! P-please disregard anything she said!" Hinata apologized, giving a quick bow.

"Hinata-chan! Young love is nothing to be ashamed of, particularly when it's in the clan's best interests! Besides, I met Lee-kun, Neji's teammate in the market, and he told me personally about the impassioned speech this young man gave about your relationship! A perfect example of yin and yang if I ever saw it!" the old lady insisted with a wave of her bright red fan.

"I-I-I don't-I m-mean, U-Uchiha-s-san doesn't…I…h-hope N-Naruto…s-someday…" Hinata's cheeks flushed red and she flinched when she realized Sasuke was still holding the door open. "I-I'm very s-sorry for bothering you, U-Uchiha-san! W-w-we'll be going now!"

Face having remained stony throughout Hinata's attempts to apologize and not become hysterical through sheer humiliation, Sasuke admitted he pitied the poor girl for having this type of relative. Well, at least he wasn't alone on refusing this type of ridiculous engagement. Most girls would have taken cue from their crazy grandmothers and ran with it.

"H-honestly, Obaasan!" he heard traces of Hinata's attempt at a scold outside as he shut the door. "F-first it was K-Kiba-kun…then Sh-Shino-kun…our villages' c-clan abilities are p-perfectly fine as they are!"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. Little Shino's running around with blank-white eyes and matching albino bugs? Now that was something to be scared about.

Hyuuga Hinata, he admitted to himself, was okay as far as girls went-she was certainly the most tolerable female classmate he had, hands down. He wouldn't marry her, of course-she was too weak, too quiet, too nervous, and had the worst taste in guys ever (if her crush on the dobe was any indication). Still, as a person she wasn't too bad-he even supposed her trademark blush and stutter could become cute after awhile…and her eagerness to help you out if she could and her conviction to grow stronger made you smile if you liked that sort of thing. Which Sasuke didn't. At all.

Besides, he smirked, if he ever changed his mind about it, there was always that so-called 'engagement clause.'

Author's Note: That was really fun to write. - I actually had to think to be able to sit down and pinpoint half of these clichés…(I'm guilty of quite a few, so that was mortifying…) The characters came out really OOC…sorry about that…

Clichés aren't actually that bad, as long as the writer makes 'em come alive…anyway. I'd like to clarify I wasn't really trying to make fun of anybody's story if it falls under one of these plots. Just poking a little fun at myself, I think. XD