Awkward Fetishes

By bleached.dragon

Summary: AU Not only is Kanda Yu forced to join a war he isn't interested in, he is shocked to find that everyone is convinced he is a girl in disguise in a twisted parody of Mulan.

A/N: Wow… I finally updated… Sorry, I've been slaking off a bit since I'm really lazy… Thanks to all the reviewers last time. Oh and this one is even more ditzy than the last.

Chapter 2: High Voltage

"Hey! What the hell are you doing?" Allen wiggled out of Lo Hwa's grasp just before he was dumped in a noxious liquid.

"What else do you think I'm doing?" Lo Hwa picked up Allen by the tail and brought him up to eye level, "I'm checking that this stuff isn't poisonous!"

"Jerk!" the lizard huffed, "Don't use me as your personal meal tester!"

Lo Hwa sniffed, "Like you're much use otherwise!"

"I'm an adorable companion!" Allen pouted, "Most girls would have melted before my cuteness."

The braided girl snorted, and spooned some of the slop in her bowl, "Right, right. Now open up!" she brought the spoon towards the lizard's mouth, "Say 'Ahh!'"

"What? No!" the lizard backed up, outraged, "You want me to die?"

"You'd be sacrificing your life for a good cause."

"You seriously want me to die," Allen sighed.

"I'll light candles for you," Lo Hwa smiled cheerfully and gestured again with her spoon.

"I should have taken the job offer form Geico."

"Ah man, she looks like a guy," the red haired man slumped on the only chair in the tent sighed, "She's not hot at all."

"I'm not a girl!" Kanda snarled and jerked out of the bereted man's grasp.

"Of course you are," the man replied amiably.

"I. Am. Not. A. Girl." Kanda cursed his androgynous beauty.

"You see the guy behind you?" the redhead smiled brightly, jerking his finger at the bereted man, "He's the Empress's personal herald, Komui Lee," the man waved back brightly, "If I don't agree with him," he smiled and made a slashing movement across his throat.

"So?" the dark haired man snarled in reply.

The redhead sniffed, "You don't care about your beloved general's life?" he wiped a mock tear off his face, "Look! You made me cry!"

"Che!" Kanda turned to leave.

"You know your head is up for chopping too, if you don't obey me, Miss!" the general called.

Kanda gestured back rudely.

"Aw man," the redhead slumped back into his seat.

"General Lavi, if you'd like, I'll deal with him," Komui bowed.

"If it's not too much trouble," Lavi dug around the cushions in his chair, "Where are my…?"

Komui twirled a set of keys around his finger, "I don't think it'll be much trouble at all. I haven't taken Komurin for a stroll lately," he skipped out off the tent.

"Wha? Did you just say Komurin?" the redhead resurfaced from his search of the couch cushions, "Oh well," Lavi opened the mysterious looking tome and began flipping through it, "There is no way he's going to use it again."

Outside, Komui pumped his fists, "Let's use a mysteriously italicized pronoun!"

"WHAT? YOU WALKED OUT ON THE GENERAL?" Lo Hwa stared.

"So?" Kanda snarled in response and ate a mouthful of the braided girl's lunch.

"So?" she screeched, "If you weren't so pretty, I would be denying our relationship!"

"What relationship?" Allen yawned, "Does having a closet shrine for someone constitute as a relationship these days?"

"Shut up!" Lo Hwa flung a salad bowl at the lizard.

"Che!" Kanda wondered if his unwanted tablemates would go away if he ignored them, "Why is there no soba?"

"Did he just eat my food?" the bespectacled girl frowned.

"He's still eating your food," Allen added helpfully.

Kanda choked and slumped over the table, spilling the remainder of Lo Hwa's lunch all over the table.

"Not anymore, I see. Apparently the food was toxic…" the girl was scribbling notes, "Pulse fading, breathing irregular, no response to stimulants…"

"This isn't the time to be conducting scientific experiments!" Allen tugged at her sleeve, "He's going to die at this rate!"

Lo Hwa plugged in her defibrillator, "Don't worry, I have a certificate in first aid." She prodded the dark haired man with the device. A sizzling sound was the only response she received.

Allen watched forlornly, "Why do I have a hard time believing you?"

"Maybe I should turn the voltage up," Lo Hwa lifted one of Kanda's eyelids.

"You killed him!" the lizard howled, "He was a jerk, but you didn't have to kill him!"

"What the hell… are you doing?" a pale hand shot up and wrapped itself tightly around the girl's wrist. Kanda pulled himself painfully up to a sitting position, his expression scary enough to kill.

"Uh…" the Lo Hwa was speechless, "Trying to help you?"

"Che!" Kanda turned away, "If you want to help, get me a bowl of soba!" he placed a hand over his heart, wincing.

Lo Hwa giggled, "O-o-okay," she stuck her fists into her mouth of keep herself from laughing, "Would you like fries with that?"

"What?" Kanda turned on them, drawing his sword in a second.

"Pfffft," Allen stared at Kanda and then had to sprint away as fast as his little legs could carry him so that the dark haired man wouldn't see him laughing.

"Don't laugh, Allen!" Lo Hwa sniggered, "It's just a wardrobe malfunction."

"What the hell?" Kanda glared at the two, his sword wavering between them.

Trembling with pent up mirth, it was all Lo Hwa could do, pulling a hand mirror out of her pocket and extending it towards the Japanese man.

"What the—!"

"Oh come on, it isn't that bad anymore," Lo Hwa smiled soothingly and then winced, clutching her broken rib.

"Y-y-yeah, you look peachy…" Allen mumbled from behind a full body cast.

"Absolutely lovely," the Chinese girl discovered that it was difficult to maneuver the comb while her arm was broken.

Kanda merely snarled in reply and continued polishing Mugen.

"Uh, Kanda?" Lo Hwa had backed up some fifty meters or so, "Just so you know, I got most of the electrocuted look out of your hair… but…"

"What?" the Japanese man raised Mugen an inch.

"Ack…!" the Chinese girl increased the distance another ten meters until she had nearly backed up into someone else's tent, "On the bright side, I know a lot of girls who would die for your hair."

"What… do you mean?" Kanda raised his sword several inches more.

Allen was slowly and painfully crawling into the most unobtrusive corner he could find.

"Uh well…" Lo Hwa reached for her mirror before belatedly remembering that Kanda had smashed it when he had taken his first view of the Afro that she had accidentally molded his hair into.

"What?" Mugen was above Kanda's head now.

"Well, you know… Uh…" the braided girl looked around for any magazines to point to, "You've got this curly thing now… it's not an Afro… but it's kind of like a… curly pompadour?"

Mugen shot out in Lo Hwa's general direction, but before the dark haired man could inflict any lasting damage on the Chinese girl, there was a sudden explosion and pink smoke flooded the general area.

"Smoke? That is so cliché, you can do better, Lo Hwa!" Allen cried out from behind the metal bookcase he had taken refuge behind.

"It wasn't me!" she yelled back indignantly, fending Kanda off with a shield that she had picked up, "Some guardian, hiding behind a bookcase while I'm going to die! The saga hasn't even begun and I'm going to get killed!"

"Hello sweethearts!" Komui waved at the gathered people.

"Oh, a giant robot, even more original."

"What the hell is a giant robot doing in this time and age?" Kanda raised Mugen, "Die!"

Lo Hwa stared at it with an inscrutable expression.

"Well? No reaction? Applause? Screaming?"

Lo Hwa blinked.

"Oh come on! I'm here to discipline straight cut fringe over here, so at least show some appreciation!"

Lo Hwa walked up slowly towards the contraption.

Komui watched her nervously and scrabbled around for the reverse button.

"Wow!"

"Huh?" Allen peeked from behind his bookshelf.

"Amazing!" the Chinese girl's eyes shone.

"WHAT?" the white lizard blinked.

Lo Hwa patted it, "What kind of engine does this run on? How many cylinders do you use? I haven't gotten anything bigger than a cat to run on the engines I use…"

The bereted man hopped down from his machine, "She's a beauty, isn't she?" his eyes misting over, he stroked the giant robot fondly, "She's the third in the line Komurin 3!"

Allen snorted, "Quite the original name you've got there."

"She's like the girlfriend I never hand," Komui sobbed as he clutched the machine. Lo Hwa patted his shoulder.

"What a sad, sad little man," Allen sighed.

Kanda merely flung himself on his cot and promptly fell asleep, clutching Mugen like a security blanket.

Komui was still sobbing.

Lo Hwa sighed, "Weren't you going to discipline Kanda or something?"

"Oh right!" the Chinese man perked right up, "Kanda! Prepare to be disciplined!"

"SHUT UP!" the swordsman snarled in response and, drawing Mugen, promptly smashed the robot to pieces.

"My honey!"

Lo Hwa shook her head sadly, "What a twisted end to a beautiful romance."

"I think you're the one who's twisted," Allen retorted.

The Chinese girl pouted, "But I came here searching for true love!"

"But you're disguised as a man," the lizard pointed out.

"No I'm not," the bespectacled girl twirled for effect, "No one's noticed yet though. They're all caught up on Princess Kanda."

Allen sighed, "You're just trying to deny that you got forced here by your drunken father who was too drunk to realize that you're female."

Lo Hwa stuck her tongue out, "I'll just hide in Princess Kanda's shadow. His androgynous beauty will dazzle everyone into thinking that I'm male, and competent."

"You don't have a Plan B?"

"I could just blow them all up," the girl shrugged, smiling sweetly.

Komui blinked back tears, "My precious Komurin, I SHALL AVENGE YOU!" he raised a deadly looking bazooka and fired random shots.

"I get this feeling that he does this a lot," Lo Hwa drawled, taking refuge behind the bookcase.

"I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE HELL UP!" Mugen flashed, bazooka pieces fell like so much sashimi.

"B-b-bazooka-chan!" Komui cradled the pieces sadly. "THIS IS DOUBLE REVENGE!" suddenly there was a lot of heavy artillery flying around.

Lo Hwa blinked, "Is it just me, or is the military camp in ruins?"

"Yep, it's in ruins," Allen flinched as another tent was shot down.

"Why is Kanda not doing anything, the tent is starting to burn…" Lo Hwa peered inside, "Ah! He's still asleep!"

"You mean he beat up Komui while he was sleeping? Scary…"

"REVENGE!"

A/N: A lot of Lo Hwa and Allen action in this one… Kanda will do more in the next chapter, because it's time for the official start of BOOT CAMP! Anyway, if you have any suggestions, give me some ideas about boot camp exercises that:

Kanda will fail at.

Suit Lavi's personality.

I will credit all submissions. Thanks for reading. I will love you forever if you review!

Oh and what is in Lavi's book? That'll be next time! But feel free to guess.