Sometimes We Die

Chapter Thirty-Nine: Between

Author: H. Ashleigh

Disclaimer: I am obviously not J.K. Rowling, nor would I ever pretend to be. The views of the author and the views of the characters are often conflicting and are not equal. Please do not judge the author due to her character's failings, misjudgments, ineptitudes, and misperceptions.

"And you know it's not so easy when you're all alone/and I wonder if I'm alone in your head." Early November

February 18, 1977

Severus sat in the warm, steamy greenhouse as class began. Teeny drops of sweat trickled through his oily, thick strands of hair, and steadily dripped onto his shirt collar. Next to him, every so often, he could smell a trace of vanilla.

Professor Sprout explained the objective of the class, and then set them to work. Severus pulled his dragon-hide gloves on, tucked the sleeves of his shirt into them, and turned to Lily, who was pulling on her own much smaller gloves. It struck him in that instant how much weight it seemed she had lost. Her jaw, instead of gliding smoothly into the fleshy beginnings of her neck, jutted out sharply. Her chin was pointier than ever, and her shirt collar hung loosely down, like sagging skin.

"Have you been skipping meals?" He asked her.

"No." She shook her head at the same time, and turned away from him. As her hair swished down her back, a wash of vanilla overcame his face.

"You seem like you've lost weight."

"Are you suggesting I was once fat?"

"No, of course not!" he hurriedly said. He felt his face color.

"Severus, I'm joking," she laughed, turning back to him. Her face had broken into a wide smile, and a glint of laughter brightened her eyes to lily pad green.

"Of course, of course," he muttered.

They began their assignment, barely communicating throughout the whole class. Severus was struck by the efficiency with which they worked. If he needed the scissors, she was already handing them to him, and if she needed the shovel, or a towel, he was reaching for it before she even turned around. He couldn't help but think about their lack of interaction the past few weeks. She had even been skiving off their after-dinner walks.

"What are you doing later this evening?" He asked, as she struggled with some vines.

"Studying with Tori, and Rebeca and Judith," she answered when she had put the plant down and made some notes in her notebook. "You're welcome to join us if you wish."

"Umm," he stammered, trying to think quickly. He didn't really prefer to study with those four girls. Lily had a way with them- they lost their cold Slytherin-esque attitudes, and became girly. "I'm actually meeting with Judas and Frederick. You know, studying for N.E.W.T.'s."

"Oh, of course," she replied, looking unconcerned as she bent further over her notes.

"Let's secure some time together tomorrow evening," he suggested. "In the Room of Requirement."

"Sure, Sev," she said. She smiled up at him warmly.

He was pleased with the prospect of spending time with her. Of course, they were both very busy, what with N.E.W.T.'s looming over their heads, and he with his newly acquired position. But he would make it work. He did love her, after all.

February 19, 1977

After dinner, they walked customarily around the lake, bundled in warm clothes, breathing in cold air and out hot. She held his gloved hand in her mittened one, and her sharp, newly angular cheekbones were stained red with cold. Her lips were flushed almost purple and she leaned up a couple inches to kiss him on the mouth. Her kiss was rich and his heart sighed in satisfaction. A short while after, he led her back to the castle and up towards the Room of Requirement.

They laid together in downy silence, her hair spread all around him, his hands touching her soft, papery thin stomach. He could almost feel her ribs through her skin, and he missed the couple inches of plushy flesh she had lost.

"You need to start eating more," he told her. "I think you're getting too thin."

"I'm fine, Severus," she replied. "I just haven't been very hungry lately, is all. I have a lot of things going on, you know."

"Yes, I know."

"Well then," she said, leaning up on an elbow to stare down at him. "Hush." And she kissed him all over.

Late February-Mid March 1977

Everything continued quite in this manner for some time after that. Severus longed to see Lily as much as possible, but their strict schedules, coupled with the demanding course load, made that very difficult. She spent most of her time in the Gryffindor common room, studying with her housemates, or at Ravenclaw study sessions, or at her other extra-curriculars. Severus continued brewing for the Dark Lord; the Dark Lord sent new lists every couple of weeks, and Severus just brewed what was asked of him.

"You're the Dark Lord's servant now," Saloma had said to him one day in his laboratory. She was on the grounds again, when she shouldn't have been, but Severus had come to expect it of her. He had expressed very minimal distress at some of the potions the Dark Lord was asking of him, but distress nonetheless and she had noticed it immediately. "You made these choices, Severus," she reminded him cruelly.

He never dared to ask what any of the potions were for, but he could surmise a guess, and he remembered that he had wanted this, that he still wanted it. That thought, and that thought alone, helped him to move forward. He had everything he had ever wanted, and most nights that was all he needed to remember to be whisked away to a sleep as deep and dreamless as the Living Death.

Every other week, when she brought his new list of potions, he sent her off with the potions he had been working on. She was pleased to be a part of proceedings so important to the Dark Lord, even if she was merely a go-between. Severus couldn't help reminding her on many occasions that once he graduated and was living on his own, her involvement would no longer be necessary.

She merely responded by teasing him more than ever with her body. He had to constantly tell himself that she was nothing more than the Dark Lord's personal whore.

Judas was initiated not long after Severus, in the middle of February. After he received his mark, he began stalking Severus after classes, in the halls, in the dormitory. Severus at first thought it was fun to pretend Judas was not there, but finally, after several weeks, he became very impatient with being constantly followed and wheeled on him one day after Potions. Lily rushed past, not wanting to get in the middle of strange Slytherin politics.

"Avery," Severus began calmly. "What can I help you with?"

Judas just stared at him. The rest of the class was fading away down the corridor, and Slughorn always made it a particularly bizarre habit of escaping out of the back door of his classes, usually before anyone even had the chance to approach him about class logistics.

"I have been noticing a great deal of you the last few weeks, a great deal more of you than I feel comfortable with. Quite frankly, I prefer to prepare for my daily shower without others in the dormitory, and in the past this hasn't been a problem for me, but you have been there more than I like recently. Do you have a problem?" Severus asked point blank.

Judas coughed a little bit, and then mumbled a lot. Severus could discern only "the Dark Lord," "potions," and "assistance," from the whole thing, but he gathered the general idea. He was quite shocked that Judas knew anything about his potion brewing for the Dark Lord. No one was supposed to know about that at all.

"I didn't understand anything you just said," Severus replied, deciding to play dumb for as long as he could.

"Was-wondering-if-you-needed-any-help-with-your-brewing?"

"What brewing? The brewing Slughorn has us doing? I'm insulted. This is child's play. Since when have you ever been able to even consider assisting me in Potions?"

Judas shook his head. "No, Snape. You know what I'm talking about."

"No Avery, I don't," Severus replied. "Now, move out of my way. I have studying to do." Severus moved around him and started up the corridor.

"You're going to see that mudblood bitch Evans again, aren't you?"

Severus whirled around and stalked back to stare Avery directly in the eye, inches form his face.

"Such nasty language coming from a pureblood's mouth," Severus said silkily.

"At least my mouth isn't fouled by a mudblood's tongue," he spat back.

"Please," Severus snarled. "I see the way you look at Ziegler. You can barely keep the saliva from dripping off your chin."

Judas completely sidestepped Severus' accusation. "If the Dark Lord ever finds out about this little liaison you have going on with Evans—"

"The Dark Lord already knows," Severus almost yelled. His face was getting very hot.

Judas became deathly quiet. He smirked a little, and wiped some imaginary spittle off his face. "You're a fool," he said finally, shaking his head a little bit. His eyes danced with a sick, private joke. "Excuse me." He checked his watch. "Quidditch practice." He sidled around Severus and began the long walk out of the dungeons.

Several Days Later

Severus sat at lunch with his fellow Slytherins. He faced the Gryffindor table, as usual. No matter how often he was with Lily, he didn't think he would ever get used to her being his. He liked to watch her surreptitiously, like he was doing now. She sipped cautiously on what could've been coffee, or hot tea, or maybe just steaming water. Emily was chattering with Remus Lupin next to her. They were sharing a crossword, like they usually did, and Severus could see it floating around amongst the seventh year Gryffindors. Lily let it pass over her; she had never been partial to crossword puzzles, although Severus knew how good she was at them. All of that constant reading she did on the side of her studies had to pay off somehow.

Emily tried to push some scalloped potatoes on her.

'Good,' he thought to himself. 'Someone needs to force her to eat something.'

He chanced a glance down the length of the Slytherin table, searching for Frederick, but he wasn't there. Frederick had a habit of skipping lunch these days, but Severus didn't think it was strange. Arien Sohn, the girl he had taken to the Halloween ball, was sitting with her friends, laughing politely at something.

He overheard Judas and Evan talking about Slytherin's Quidditch chances with a couple fifth year reserves.

"Right now, Gryffindor is ahead of Ravenclaw by fifty points. We need to bring them down this next match, or else we won't stand a chance. Potter's crew has become indestructible."

"Don't EVER let him hear you say that," Evan growled.

On Severus' right sat Tori, Judith and Rebeca. They were talking about a group project for Ancient Runes. To his left sat Jezebel and Virginia, who were chatting amiably about stuff girls chat about, Severus supposed.

Severus wondered how any of them could talk about such trivial things as Quidditch matches and Ancient Runes projects, while he had unmentionable potions brewing floors above for the Dark Lord. He glanced back to the Gryffindor table to check on Lily again, but she was gone. Her fellow Gryffindors were still passing around the crossword, but she had vacated the hall. He found it strange she had managed to slip out without his noticing at all. He quickly downed his glass of water, gathered his books and left the hall as well, hoping to catch her, but she was nowhere to be seen.

A door off to the right of the Great Hall opened, and Severus turned to see Frederick exiting. He looked around, and then walked over to where Severus was standing.

"Frederick," Severus said. He eyed him warily.

"Severus," Frederick nodded. "How have you been doing?"

"I'm fine."

"I'm heading to the library. Free block of time for the next couple hours."

"Well, don't let me disturb you," Severus replied. Frederick stalked away upstairs. Severus glanced back at the door Frederick had exited, and walked over to it. He tried it, but it was locked. He had never really noticed the door there before.

He waited a few minutes for Frederick to get a good head start upstairs (he hated the awkwardness of following closely behind someone he had just excused himself from), and then made his way up to his lab.

He had to check on his potions.

A/N: Comments welcome!

Nice to see you back! (I'm sure you're thinking the same of me. Hopefully I can finish it this time around.) Thank you MRSSPICY.