Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
Warning: /Major Crack/
A Lovely Thing Called: Testosterone
'In both men and women, testosterone plays a key role in health and well-being as well as in sexual functioning. Examples include enhanced libido, increased energy, increased production of red blood cells and protection against osteoporosis. On average, an adult human male body produces about forty to sixty times more testosterone than an adult female body, but females are more sensitive to the hormone. However the overall ranges for male and female are very wide, such that the ranges actually overlap at the low end and high end respectively.'
Scoff. This stuff is so stupid. He's an Uchiha.
-
Pause! Rewind!
...
...
Wait. Stop! Play, right NOW!
UCHIHA. (echo, echo, echo!)
Uchiha's and testosterone don't even comprehend!
Do you think he, THE Uchiha Sasuke, gets turned on by women?
(Jeopardy music begins.)
...
...
If you were one of the 97.6 percentage of people that said: NO.
What the fu—ehem.
Do you think, SASUKE, is GAY?
Chyeah. Like that's ever gonna happen. (Actually...)
If you were one of the 2.4 percentage of people that said: YES!
You were, WRONG!
Sasuke Uchiha.
Reiteration: 'THE' SASUKE UCHIHA.
He does not get turned on by women. No. Sasuke get's turned on by a woman.
(Readers: THAT'S THE SAME THING!)
That, is where you are wrong, my fellow readers.
Sasuke Uchiha, gets turned on by one, and only one, woman.
Haruno Sakura.
Then it comes: "Good morning, Sasuke-kun." Bright, beautiful smile.
Pink, lush hair.
Captivating, emerald orbs.
Beautiful, scrumptious tongu—
Er...
"Ehem!" Sasuke coughed into his hand, staring blankly at his book.
—succulent, blood-red lips.
...
Curvaceous, flawless breas—
COUGH.
Sasuke coughed into his hand again, while his face completely flushed.
A pink brow rose, looking at the choking Uchiha. "Sasuke-kun!" Sakura cried out worried. Her feet pounded against the wooden bridge, her breasts jiggled.
Jiggle.Jiggle.Jiggle.
Taunting him.
She made it to his side and put a hand on his slouched back. "Are you OK?!"
She's... Touching... Him...
posure!
"Hn."
"WHAT?!" Sakura growled in annoyance, her temper flaring with aggravation. "I COME TO HELP YOU, AND YOU REPLY WITH AN UNGRATEFUL GRUNT?!"
Grunt. "Aa."
"Arrogant asshole."
"Hey." Sasuke commented at her insult, "At least I don't have the billboard forehead."
Twitch. "My dearest love, did you say something?"
"..."
Sakura grinned sheepishly, just like that idiot, Naruto, would do. Then, she stuck out that red and delicious tongu—um...
Sasuke hesitated, as he pushed her hand hastily off him. "Tch. Don't touch me." Sasuke followed his actions with brushing off his shoulder, assuming micro-bacteria (AKA: Cooties.) had been transferred through the short-lived, human contact
Sakura twitched. "Mou! Why are you so mean, Sasuke-kun?" Instead of leaving, she stood straight in front of him. Poking him.
Poking...
Him...
Meaning: She was touching him again.
Sasuke felt perspriation ready to fall and he scooted away from her touch, to the other side of the bridge. "I said don't touch me." Sasuke growled in anger at her disobediance.
"Oh jeez. I'm stuck on a bridge with Mr. Grumpy and nothing to do." Sakura sighed. Her hands shot up, stretching out her tight muscles. "Why is Kakashi-sensei and Naruto always late."
"Then don't come so earl—" Sasuke was about to make his retort, until that girl's damn red shirt was sliding her flat, snow-white stomach.
What the hell is she trying to do?! That evilevilevil, conniving, annoying, bitch! Sakura was ANTAGONIZING him. Sasuke scowled. "You need to get longer shirts. You look like a whore in that."
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, SASUKE UCHIHA!" Sakura shot her hands down hastily and hard.
Jiggle. Jiggle.
Sasuke flared red. No. Oh no! Sasuke did not notice (again) her breasts bouncing. "Shut up." Sasuke said, annoyance plastered in his every word. "You talk too much."
Pause.
Sakura then puts her hands on those wide, curvaceous hips of hers. Since, when were those traits there? (Sasuke mentally pointed at her breasts, hips, and her butt.)
"Stop moving (unless you plan on knocking me off the bridge with those gigantic hips)." Sasuke mumbled, seeing her breasts become slightly enlarge when she put both hands on her hips.
"UGH!" Sakura stomped off to the other side of the bridge, straight in fucking front of him. Stupid, annoying, girl. Trying to do whatever she was doing, to get whatever she was wanting.
Sasuke frowned, he kept noticing her rather flirtatious gestures. Which she is completely doing. And that is wrong. Wrong like Itachi wearing mascara. Wrong like him in a spandex Superman outfit. Wrong like—
Was she COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to her innocent gestures and motions? Pathetic. But, don't worry. Sasuke was not distracted whatsoever by these sudden new tactics of flirting.
Nope. Nada. Zilch.
Sakura glared at Sasuke with stunning, furious, emerald eyes. "Are you feeling OK, Sasuke-kun? You're acting so...weird."
Grumbling and giving one last up-down on her body glance—more like: intensely stare with hungry, lustful, onyx eyes—at Sakura, Sasuke did the only thing he could do:
Retreat.
Just to keep him from looking at this girl, Sasuke retreated back to his...er...interesting...book.
Te Uchiha stared at the book, trying to focus on it's material but now he was completelyuniterested. Damnit.
Sasuke is left staring at the...book...in complete distraught and disarray!
Ugh.
First, she tried using her flirtatious actions to attract him. (Which, obviously, didn't work.) Now, she is standing there in front of him, with those damned green pools of innocence. Did he mention: staring directly at him.
Her eyes are scrunched too.
Her brow is furrowed in deep concentration. (Not that Sasuke noticed that either.)
Meaning: Sakura is thinking. If she is staring at him and thinking. That means:
Sakura is thinking about him.
About Uchiha Sasuke.
Meaning: Sasuke had to be thinking of all her actions of what she was plotting, which leads to this.
Sasuke was thinking about her.
About Haruno Sakura.
NOT COOL!
Sasuke then created a deeper depression in his brow as he continued to stare more intently at the book.
Sakura leaned against the bridge's handle, watching highly amused at Sasuke's tactics. The most amusing part was seeing how interested Sasuke was on reading a dumb book. Chuh! That focused on a stupid book! Amusing isn't even the word for it... Ah, yes:
Hilarious.
...
...
"Stop reading that stupid book and talk to me, Sasuke-kun." Sakura stated coolly, as she began to walk an inch closer.
Sasuke, ever-so-slightly, looks up to see her tiny feet getting closer.
Closer.Closer.Closer...
...Closer...
"But, I'm bored."
Closer!
"Sa-su-ku-kun."
DAMNIT!
(Sasuke felt something twitch.)
"Stop being annoying. Can't you see: I'm busy." Sasuke blurted out, flipping a page.
Sakura stopped. Fine. Just let her swallow the picture in for a little longer, Sasuke focused on a book with a—
...
Pause.
...
..!
IS THAT?!
No..!
IS THAT A—
—penis on the cover.
No, fucking way!
—PENIS ON THE COVER?!
Sakura choked on her own saliva, which Sasuke seemed oblivious to her gestures. "S-SASUKE-KUN!" Sakura screamed aloud, her emerald eyes saw the Uchiha turn yet another page.
A list of bullets were on the right page.
'-Phallic enlargement.'
Sasuke smirked smugly, like he had to even worry about this thing called: Testosterone. Uchiha's, like him, should have no problem with phallic enlargement. Hah! You've got to be joking.
Arrogant smirk. I'm already a monstrous size.
"Sasuke-kun!"
No reply.
"Sasuke-kun! This is serious!"
'-Increased libido and frequency of erection.'
Tch. Noooo.
-x-x-x-
(Last night/Earlier this morning.)
-x-x-x
Sasuke watched from a chair dazed at the smirking beauty in front of him. "Sasuke-kun..."
Pause.
He felt himself burning in the room, where was the AC?!
(Something was twitching.twitching.twitching!)
Sakura swung her hips, letting her corset hug her ample breasts to where it was wayyyy more than snug. Sasuke stared, while the pink headed woman wrapped a leg around his chest, then the other.
In a way, he was now shackled to the chair...in between her legs.
Sultry green orbs met lust-filled onyx eyes.
"... Let's fuck."
(twitching.twitching.twitching.)
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEE—
Sasuke's eyes shot open, as his alarm clock rang.
Sasuke felt a throbbing urge, maybe pain...down there.
-x-x-x-
Sasuke frowned and averted his eyes from the book. OK, maybe a little-tiny-tad-bit of denial there.
"SASUKE-KUN!"
Onyx eyes met Sakura's emerald orbs.
"Stop yelling." Sasuke muttered.
Sakura frowned, "Start LISTENING."
"Hn."
Pause.
"Sasuke-kun, my buttercup, my darling, my princess—"
Maybe: he can't think of her the same way now! This gir— woman was even bothering (STALKING) him in his fucking sleep! I mean, seriously, isn't that just a tad far?
Maybe: he didn't want to pop up from some strange, foreign urge.
Maybe: he noticed Sakura's tinytinytiny bit of estrogen.
Tch. Puberty.
Sasuke focused his mind back to the book, ready to finish it by the end of the day. He wanted to at least choose (8)5 pages he like, before he decided to get rid of it.
'Increased muscle strength and mass.'
Sasuke jeered. Was it even possible to have any more God-like strength, than he already had?
Simple: No.
Why: He was God.
"SA-SU-KE-KUN!"
Smirk. That was sexy.
Too damn sexy for Sakura.
"Don't say my name like that." Sasuke scowled.
Sakura growled, "THEN STOP IGNORING ME, UCHIHA!"
Uh-oh.
Sasuke frowned, that goddamn, annoying, curvaceous, puberty-hitting, estrogen-filled, WOMAN said Uchiha. That hinted one obvious conclusion: Sakura was pissed. Why the HELL was she so fucking appealing when she was angry?
Why?
Wait. Did he say appealing?
Well, guess what.
He meant: Goddamn fucking hot.
Cough.
Sasuke looked back to the book, before Sakura could make her move. No way, was she going to pressure him into sex.
Nu-uh! No way! No ma'am!
That Uchiha was a man of tradition, no sex until marriage! (-ehem- With the exception...)
'Growth of spermatogenic tissue in testes, male fertility.'
Hah! Was that a joke? He, Uchiha Sasuke, was already skilled enough to reproduce the WHOLE Uchiha clan, with his one-and-only!
Chyeah. Cause he was an Uchiha.
To rephrase that: The Uchiha.
THE UCHIHA SASUKE, that is! (echo,echo,echo.)
"Fine." Sasuke replied dryly.
Onyx met emerald.
The pink headed girl grinned sheepishly, seeing the giant scowl on his lips, but the intent of ready-to-listen in his eyes. Sakura looked at him and makes her famous pose. The peace sign, wink, and sticking out of that red, juicy and deliciou—ehem! tongue.
"What do you want, Sakura?"
Sakura pointed at the book, gaping. "What are you reading, Sasuke-kun?"
"Nothing."
Frown. "Yes, you are."
"No I'm not." Sasuke mocked.
"Sasuke-kun." Sakura took a step towards him.
Raised brow. "Go away."
"Please?"
Smirk. "No."
"I'll be questioning your orientation from now on." Sakura stated firmly, she smiled and waved.
What the fuck was she waving at?
And:
WHAT THE HELL?
Who would even think to question:
UCHIHA SASUKE's orientation.
Scoff. "You're stupid."
Oh no.
Oh no, he didn't.
"UCHIHA SASUKE-KUN!"
Sweet. Even after any insult she gives him his suffix.
What a turn-o...
Fucking testosterone.
"Congratulations team." The silver-haired Jounin said lazily. "You have completed yet another D-ranked mission."
"BELIEVE IT!" Naruto grins stupidly, throwing his right fist into the air.
"You all should be proud of yourselves." Kakashi chuckled through his mask, "Sakura managed to get a phone number. Sasuke managed to lose his pride. Naruto actually caught the cat. I think that's better than any S-Ranked mission we have ever done."
What?
Uchiha Sasuke... lose... pride?
Chyeah. I think not!
Smile. "I know." Sakura grins, triumphantly she held the piece of paper in the air. "I think I'll give Kyouhei-kun a call—"
...
...
...
"—HEY!" Sakura shrieked at the Uchiha.
"What?" Sasuke deadpanned, his eyes scanned the scribbled numbers on the small piece of ripped napkin.
"GIVE THAT BACK!" Sakura hissed at Sasuke, ready to claw at the said victim.
"I don't know what you are talking about." Sasuke smirked, as he sooo accidentally drops the number into the river, which lay under the bridge."Oh..."
Sasuke let his head slowly turn around to where the paper had flown. "You meant that?" Sasuke stuck his pointer finger out and pointed directly at the piece of paper, which slowly was having it's ink fade into the water.
"SASUKE-KUN!"
"Stop yelling, you're already loud enough."
"HEY!" Naruto butt's in. "DON'T INSULT, MY, SAKURA-CHAN!"
"She's not yours moron."
"WHO SAYS?!"
Smirk. "Obviously, I do."
"YOU DON'T OWN HER!"
"Wanna bet?"
Kakashi sighed. "Kids these days. They can't even control their damned testosterone."
Sakura looks at each male, utterly confused. "Testosterone, Kakashi-sensei?"
"When you're older (or when Sasuke decides to show you)..." Kakashi laughed.
"Whatever, dumbass."
"WANNA SAY THAT AGAIN?"
Smirk. "Sure. I'll say it as many times as you'd like me to, dumbass."
"YOU BASTA—"
"Naruto! Shut up!"
Sasuke then gave an arrogant (and triumphant) smirk, hearing Sakura hush the blond idiot.
"Hah. Dumbass."
"SASUKE-KUN!" Sakura screamed, her finger pointed straight at him. Emerald eyes blazed with a new fire, he saw on the rare occasions when he pissed her off enough. That triumphant smirk was still plastered on his damn thin lips and Sakura was ready to wipe it off. "STOP ANTAGONIZING HIM!"
"..."
"Tell me, my love," Sakura clicks her tongue. Oh boy, that's just a major turn o—
Sasuke flushed, shaking his head to get rid of these (perverted) thoughts.
"Are you having a one-sided relationship—"
Relationship. Ughhhhh. That sounds sooo good right now. Being able to do something, with that person, at night, in the be—
Cough.
"—with Naruto?"
CHOKE.CHOKE.CHOKE.CHOKE.CHOKE.GAG.
"WHAT?!" Naruto butted in, screaming his lungs out.
"Teehee." Sakura giggled. She threw her arm into the air and waved.
Waved with that long arm, that is used to wrap around his neck and scrape down his back while they're having intercou—
Sasuke Uchiha is sooo not effected whatsoever by testosterone.
...
...
We all know, Denial is not a river in Egypt.
(Insert courtesy laugh.)
...
"Kakashi-sensei. What do you think?"
Kakashi shrugged, "I say it's possible."
Giggle.
"The way those two are always sharing their body sweat in the tough and tiresome 'fights'." Kakashi laughed, "I'm sure that's just their foreplay!"
Wink.
Sasuke's mouth hung ajar, his composure losing all possibility of being fixed. "What?"
"Well, then again. Naruto could just be bisexual. "
Naruto gave Sasuke a iWin grin, "At least they imply I do girls."
"Moron. Bisexual is you'll take whatever you can get."
Another mouth fell wide open.
"But, I'm leaning towards Sasuke being an all out, flamboya—" Kakashi seemed perplexed, taking another look at the said Uchiha. "—Well, just leave it at homosexual."
"What?"
"Sasuke-kun, it's alright." Sakura comforted the gaping Uchiha.
"What?"
Sasuke's pride had completely fallen and he sounded as though he were a broken record.
"I'm NOT gay." Sasuke spat in utter rage.
Sakura opened her mouth to reply with another witty comment, one that would snap the Uchiha's final strings that held him back: "Why were you reading a book with a penis on the cover?"
The Uchiha stood there, the awkward wave passing. The whole team stared at him intently. (Did he mention this was AWKWARD?)
Sasuke's lips cracked open. Then clamped shut.
Opened it again.
Finally, he kept quiet by pursing his lips.
"God, Sasuke-kun!" Sakura groaned.
Damn. That was fucking hot, in the most NON-erotic moment.
Sakura groaned his name and it was the words commonly screamed in bliss during intercourse.
Stop! Rewind!
.166 seconds.
Play!
"God, Sasuke-kun!"
"God, Sasuke-kun!"
"God, Sasuke-kun!"
WARNING: LIBIDO ALERT! LIBIDO ALERT! LIBIDO ALERT!
And that was how Sasuke finally snapped his last strings holding him back from his...er...attack.
"Can't you ever just give me—"
Sasuke crashed those pretty little lips of his upon her own. Sakura gasped in shock, granting perfect access for the Uchiha to slip his tongue into her mouth without hesitation. Sakura accidentally let a small mewl escape from her throat, causing Sasuke to grunt in satisfaction.
"GET OFF MY SAKURA-CHAN!" Naruto screamed in rage.
Sasuke lifted his left hand up to Naruto's eye-level, sending a pretty little bird in his direction.
Kakashi giggled, "Teehee!" The silver-haired Jounin put away his book to watch, while holding the blond boy back from attacking the two 'Love (or may I say, Lust) Birds.' "Leave them be, Naruto..."
Sakura's knees buckled at the mere thought of Sasuke kissing her, and now...
It was actually happening!
"Leave them be."
Sasuke supported her weight, by slipping his right hand around her waist. Sakura blushed when she felt the Uchiha's hand against her waist and in repercussion she entangled her hands through his raven locks. Sakura moaned lightly when she felt the Uchiha's tongue click against a sensitive spot inside her mouth. Sasuke could have sworn by the time they broke apart, he had memorized every single detail in the tiny crevice of hers.
"I'm not gay." Sasuke muttered and brought her back into a kiss.
Naruto watched in astonishment.
The sight of:
THE Sasuke Uchiha. (echo! echo! echo!)
KISSING.
A girl.
(ECHO! ECHO! ECHO!?)
"Get a room." Naruto scoffed, turning his head in disgust.
Kakashi looked down at Naruto and gave a perverted grin behind his mask. "Now don't give them any thoughts."
Sasuke lifted Sakura up, bridal style, never once breaking apart from their kiss. Sakura felt Sasuke smirk against her lips and, therefore, tugged lightly at the hair caught in her hands.
Groan.
That was definitely hot.
Naruto turned around to see Sasuke holding Sakura up and walking the other way. Naruto picked up the book Sasuke had been carrying all day.
101 Nights of GRRREAT Sex!
"HEY! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING?!" The blond screamed in pure panic.
Smirk.
"You told us to get a room."
A/N: Random idea. It's an epic fail. Teehee. They're gonna be doing the dirtyyyy. ;D
OMG. I was babysitting for some kid and their parents HAD that book lying in the middle of the floor. I was like: WTFUX. DX
Reviews make me write :D
XUchihaSakuraX