Title:
The Frog and the Crown Part
1 of 2
Summary: There was a lovely princess. Maybe. I'm not too sure as this story doesn't
concern itself with princesses of any sort.
Pairings: XanxusSqualo
annnnd... adult!Mammon/Bel. eventually
Challenge: A.U.
Fairy-tale.
Ripped off
Lovingly adapted from "The Golden Ball
Warnings: Language and
BL and CRACK.
Rating: PG13, purely for language.
The Prince and the Golden Ball
as told by LadyLady
In a certain small kingdom, peace was a five-letter word that involved far too much talk and hugging like those damn Vongolians and too-little drinking. Of course, the kingdom in question was small so it never really won the wars it fought against the great Vongola Empire, which as kind and uninterested in conquest as it was, had a rather large and strangely adept army.
In the rare times of peace, the people of Varia were often bored. It's to be noted that population seemed to boom as a result of this boredom.
Fifteen years before, the Varia had gone though a time of peace. Treaties had been signed with the Vongola and King Xanxus had agreed to marry a Cavallone, the close allies of the Vongola, noble in desperate hopes that the fifteen year old king wouldn't start any wars for at least six months.
It succeeded, in a way. The next war started in seven months and three days but the arrival of Xanxus's 'bride' may or may not have had something to do with that, and not out of any particular cares for peace and goodwill towards all men and all that nonsense.
For one thing, Squalo of Superbi was not female.
Not that Xanxus was complaining, it's just that brides tend to be, well, female. And despite the shoulder-length hair and the pretty face, Squalo was definitely male. Xanxus had, heh, checked several times.
Second thing, even if Squalo was a loud-ass, dumb-ass, smart-ass, whiny-ass, ass-ass, he was really, really good in bed once you knocked (or punched, or slapped, or kicked, or fucked) sense into him. That may have been the reason for the peace, since Xanxus was having some fun with his new 'bride'.
However, some of the Varia nobles were not too pleased.
Some think that they were jealous that they weren't getting such a good lay and wanted a war to take their minds off their celibate lifestyle.
The complaint they issued to their King was carefully worded, as not to offend. It was also anonymous as not to get themselves killed by their bloodthirsty king.
Quite simply, it read….
To the Most Honorable King Xanxus (you horny sonova b-tch)
As much as we agree with the fact sex is good, and even if Queen Squalo is way too loud and should be muzzled (which seems really like a good idea, in bed if you catch our drift) he's really fuckable. However, as men can not get pregnant, divorce him, marry some pretty girl, knock her up and kill 'er when the baby is born then get remarried to the Queen. An heir is needed for the great Varia state.
Respectfully,
Various Varia Noblility.
It's to be noted that offending a citizen of Varia involved pussyfooting around.
Although Xanxus did not listen to his nobility and stayed married to Squalo, the king did agree with the fact he needed an heir.
"I'm going to knock up some dumb-ass girl tomorrow." He told his beloved wife one night in bed. The king expected some type of noise.
He was not disappointed.
"VOIII!! WHAT THE HELL?! I'LL KILL YOU BEFORE YOU DO THAT!!" Squalo screamed loudly and got a sword and stuck it under his darling husband's throat so quickly that one had to wonder exactly where the sword had been.
Xanxus was not impressed and slammed Squalo through the bed.
"You can't, you idiot."
Squalo bit his lip and rubbed his head and conceded to himself that he probably couldn't kill Xanxus while the bastard was awake. But still –
"Fine. Knock up some bint. But…" Squalo smiled in victory.
Xanxus felt a source of impending doom the way that dogs feel a tsunami coming. Utter and complete doom and death. Hesitantly, he asked what the condition was, wondering what type of cruel torture this could be.
"No sex. For a month. Or two, if you sleep with the slut more then once."
Xanxus paled immediately and the next day he adopted a pair of identical two year old twins, reasoning that if one of them were lost he'd have a spare.
Fifteen years later…
The general consensus among the people of Varia was that their prince was bat shit insane. Not that was anything new and even if Prince Belphegor was insane (like his adopted parents, except blond) he was a fitting heir to Varia, as he was oddly intelligent.
Not many people can kill their own twin in front of the entire court and still manage to prove themselves fifteen miles away from the crime scene within an hour.
Xanxus had never been prouder of his seven year old son then, and turned to tell Squalo that see, getting two of them was a good idea.
Prince Bel, as he was often called, wasn't a particularly nice boy, as mass murderers tend to be. He was selfish, lazy and would only use his intelligence to amuse himself.
His parents didn't particularly care and slammed him through walls if he got too uppity.
There was only one thing in the world that Bel loved, and it was his crown that he had stolen from his older brother the night before the unfortunate twin had died. Bel would spend hours playing with it in the garden, talking to it and whispering secrets to it.
"Why are you talking to a stupid tiara, idiot?" Squalo would scream at him, thinking that a boy of that age should be more concerned with getting laid.
Xanxus grunted, wondering if his son was asexual before shrugging and dragging his lovely wife by his now-even-longer hair to bed.
Everytime, Bel had the same answer: "Ushiushiushi! Because I am a prince, and every prince needs a crown or else he is not a prince!"
One summer day Belphegor was playing with his crown, throwing it up in the air and catching it. Sadly, due to a comedy of events, a bird soaring through the sky while the crown was seven feet in the sky and hit it, knocking it into a well that was rumored to be endless.
Bel looked at the well, shocked before he started screaming, tears running down his mad face. "Ushiushiushi!! My crown is in the Endless Well!! I am a prince, and I demand that the Well spit my crown up right now!"
Suddenly a frog jumped out of the well and croaked. "Will you pay me if I fetch your crown, Prince Belphegor?"
Now, Bel knew that frogs weren't supposed to talk. But sometimes, things just came along with being nobility and talking animals were one of them.
"Ushiushiushi, I am a prince and princes do not need to pay anyone! If you say you can get my crown I demand you get it for me now!"
"No," the frog croaked. "I am not a citizen of Varia, and you are not my prince. I will get your crown for you, but I demand you pay the price."
Bel frowned. He was not used to people arguing with him, but this frog apparently could fetch a crown for him. Mentally, Bel shrugged. After the frog fetched him his crown, he could kill it and not bother to pay the price. "Fine. Tell this prince what getting back his crown from the Endless Well requires."
"Since the well is Endless, I demand I get one hundred gold coins each month. Since I am doing this for someone who is not my liege lord, I demand that you give me twenty precious jewels. And since you were so rude to me, I demand that I become your beloved companion. You must feed me the finest foods that only royalty eats, you must let me sleep in your bed that is made of velvet and you must bathe me in oils from foreign lands."
Bel wrinkled his nose. Princes did not share their beds and one hundred gold nobles a month was half his allowance. But since he was going to kill the frog anyways, it did not matter. "Fine. Ushiushi, get me my crown and you shall have all that."
So the frog jumped into the Well, and within a minute it brought out Bel's crown.
Belphegor crowed with delight and started whispering declarations of love. To the crown, of course. Not the frog.
The frog croaked, as frogs can not do anything but that. "Let me ride on your shoulder, prince, for now I am your beloved companion."
Bel stared at the frog blankly and then giggled madly. "This prince is a generous one and is grateful. But I will not touch you, for a prince should not touch a frog. Instead, I shall spare your life for showing me disrespect because you have saved my crown."
With that Bel ran into the castle, cuddling his crown close to him.
Later, while a feast was being held to celebrate the anniversary of Xanxus's marriage to the Queen, a heavy knocking was heard outside.
The king had been in the middle of making a speech on why Squalo was unworthy of his attention paused and demanded his guards to kill the interloper.
Always worried that their king might kill them, the guards quickly opened the door, drawing their swords.
Expecting either an assassin, an infant, or some traveling-door-to-door salesman (who would be mercilessly flogged for thirty days) the guards were a bit shocked to see a frog. They probably were wondering how exactly a frog knocked but the guards aren't too important.
Bel toppled from his seat in shock as he had expected the frog to never bother him again (as he was a prince!).
King Xanxus stared. Then shrugged, because, well, you learn to accept things like that when you're a king of kingdom like Varia. "Hey, frog! What do you want?"
The frog hopped, slowly to the middle of the room. Small and tiny, it addressed the court. "One among you is a liar." The frog would've laughed but frogs can only croak, so the frog croaked in amusement. "Actually, most of the Varia are liars and thieves and murderers and generally unpleasant people. However, you are not without honor. Save for your prince."
Bel stood up and glared at the frog. "Am not!"
Queen Squalo frowned. It was one thing to be a liar (and thief and a murderer and a generally unpleasant person, but there had to be some code of honor. "VOI! Frog! What the hell did the brat do now?!"
"He has broken a promise. He swore to give me a hundred crowns a month, jewels and for me to be his beloved companion. However, he left me outside after I did a service for him."
Prince Bel was never one for diplomacy. So, when it came to killing people, he was quite liberal with that. So, doing the thing Prince Bel did best, a knife was thrown with deadly accuracy at the slow moving-frog.
A wall of smoke emerged around the smoke and where the little frog was, a tiny baby emerged.
"Oh, fuck." Xanxus said.
"You recognize me, King Xanxus?" The infant said.
"A damn Arcobaleno. My stupid son pissed of an Arcobaleno. And if I am right, you are the magician, Viper, known for your greed. You have not been seen in any land for years."
"Being a frog saves money, Your Majesty." Viper excused himself. "And I am now known as Mammon."
Bel felt rather left out. "Ushiushiushi! It does not matter who you are, for I am a prince! Even if you are no longer a frog I shall kill you! A child is just a larger target!"
Squalo threw his son into the wall.
"You stupid-!" Squalo screamed. "A prince must keep his word!"
"Well, not with other countries…" Xanxus added; save his son get the impression that peace treaties were meant to be kept.
"Well, except that! The fuckin' baby did you a favor and now you shall keep your word to him, otherwise you will no longer be our son!"
Prince Bel rubbed his head and glared at his parents. "I do not care if I am your son or not. I spent years not being your son, ushiushiushi…"
Xanxus shrugged. "If you are not my child, you are not a prince."
Bel paled.