My first fanfic. I'm trying to make it credible... a part from the fact that they'll fall for eachother, thery are going to do it in a credible way. So if you are looking for nose bleeds and lovey dovey hugs stop reading.

However if you like messed up Kanda and some very juicy yaoi scenes please keep reading and don't forget to review. Since it's my first fic I need all your comments.

By the way, this first chapter will make you understand why Kanda is all messed up... hope the contrast between "before" and "after" his mistake is strong and clear.

Enjoy!

He has just sliced a level one, the explosion obscuring his sight for a moment. He jumps on a nearby roof, his movements fluid and elegant, hair firmly tied in his ponytail.

He is calm, he knows exactly what he's doing, and no Akuma will be more powerful than him. Not today, not ever.

He takes a slow breath, perched on a chimney, and spots another level one far down the road. He starts running along the rooftops, silent and elegant like a cat, jumping from house to house, until he is right above the Akuma.

That stupid level one hasn't even heard him approaching. He smirks, sure about himself, and jumps.

His coat opens up behind him like black wings while he is falling, his arms fluidly extending behind his head to hit the Akuma with maximum momentum. He's handsome, still in midair, grinning wildly of pleasure for he knows he never fails and that one slice of his will be more than enough to kill that lowly creature.

He lightly lands on top of the Akuma, perfectly balanced on his boots, and slices down pushing his sword through it with the strength of his whole body. He jumps off the collapsing enemy gloating and proud, and observes the scene, crouching on the handrail of a balcony, elbows on his knees, Mugen resting on one shoulder and the other arm lazily pointing down.

Nobody of his fellow exorcists knows this but he recently likes to briefly watch the Akuma explode before turning to killing the others. It's his private moment of glory, when he can enjoy the results of his hard work. He has never enjoyed killing, but he has recently gave in to the horrors of the war, and to not go mad, to save his mind he, the cold Kanda, fools himself in thinking of killing the Akuma as nothing more than a style practice, an enjoyable game to improve his skills.

He is aware of it but he hopes he will keep this going for just as long as he doesn't go insane, no more than that.

And in the couple of seconds it takes for him to think he has made another perfect kill, the Akuma explodes, crashing down on the house opposite to Kanda. He pushes on his feet, jumping away of the blast and shock wave, ready for another perfect kill but just then he sees it... her... a lump of ragged clothes hidden behind a cart, big crying eyes darting from him to the Akuma and back, her mouth open but silent.

"Fuck hell, it's too late!"

He's in midair, he can't change the course of his jump. He needs to land on the other roof before turning to jump back to the street to save her... but it's too late. Once his feet touch and turn in an instant, ready to push him back, she's already disappearing under the rubble of the collapsing house... their eyes meet, hers fixed on him, and until they are covered in dust she keeps watching him, shocked, pleading for help. Hoping.

.

He collapses on his knees, shocked, this wasn't supposed to happen.

She wasn't supposed to be there. He wasn't supposed to make a mistake. He never makes mistakes! He's Kanda for fuck's sake, he's the best Exorcist out there!

Feeling nauseous like a hand squeezing his guts and tearing them upside down he stares with wide eyes at the roof beneath him: "Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck!"

It's more painful than any physical injury he has ever sustained, his head throbbing like Lavi was banging his hammer on it.

What is it?

Guilt?

Humiliation?

Failure?

Shame?

God it's all of them together. He has never felt any of these, but now he had been too busy ignoring reality to just keep going and feeling great about his swordsmanship than actually checking what the Akuma was doing in that small street.

He has made a mistake, and someone has died because of it.

He has made a mistake.

He feels shattered.

Kanda, the ice cold godly exorcist, finally breaks down... and sobs his heart out, shaking, both hands on Mugen's hilt, pinned down on the roof to support his head.

.

.

He wakes up with a jump in his bed, in his room, sweat wetting his bed sheets, his sight blurry for all the tears raining down. Leaning on one elbow he raises the other hand to his heart, feeling it under the naked skin, pumping adrenaline in his system like he had been fighting hordes of Akumas.

Shallow breaths and eyes wide, he's panting and scared like never before in his life.

What a nightmare.

He clenches his fist on the bed sheet, shuts his eyes and groans.

Hell... no. That wasn't a nightmare.

It was worse than any nightmare, more disturbing and painful: those were memories.

Troubled Kanda is so so sexy, don't you agree?

I'm sure you understand that Kanda is so shocked by having made a mistake... not really by the death of a kid. He's still a cold bastard in that respect!

Allen comes in the next chapter (I've written the first 4 already... but I'm going to wait for your comments before submitting them... I'd like to know your opinion before continuing)... get ready for some action ;)

Thanks for reading,

Lylica Galatea

ps. Since I'm not English there might be some mistakes... please point them out, I won't get angry, I need to improve my language as well!

IMPORTANT: I can't properly edit the text of the chapters... single line breaks apparently don't work, so I have to use dots and return to fake a paragraph space. I'm sorry for this. Does anyone have this problem too? Any advice?