DISCLAIMER: We do not own Death Note, otherwise L and Light would be doing something much more "fun" than investigating while they're handcuffed to each other.

Note: this story is co-written by brokenseraphim and sporkable, thank you very much.

The Idiot's Guide to Life

Chapter 1: First Impressions Count

Two hours had passed, two precious hours, and here he was stuck in this pointless, moronic ceremony, and Yagami Light was not happy about it. The genius muttered darkly under his breath, mentally rolling his eyes at the redundancy of such events. So far, the entire time he had spent here, sitting straight, and smiling to the point where his cheek muscles were burning, was accompanied by nothing more than worthless ramblings about what a great school To-Ou University was, and supposedly how honored they were to accept the year's new freshmen class.

Shifting slightly in his seat, the eldest Yagami sibling let his eyes subtly roam the auditorium. The crowds were filled with the usual: crying parents, beaming future students and the polite senpais that sat on the other side of the room. Silently, he scoffed. Those tears were obviously fake; those smiles were probably more phony than his own, and those manners, clearly feigned.

However, Light noted, one person did not seem fraud, one person who—with his worn jeans and untied sneakers--did not seem fake. Rude, he might have been, with his uncombed hair, chocolate wrappers and his legs brought up to rest against the chair like a damned frog—but definitely genuine, and that itself intrigued the auburn haired teen.

As always, Light's train of thought was interrupted by some being he found unworthy. It was the cue for his University debut. Slightly irritated, but smiling wider than ever, he straightened himself, and with a nod to his family made his way towards the stage. When he finally managed to reach the podium, a walk which he deemed unnecessarily tedious, he turned towards the crowd, and they applauded as he gave them a smile. He was stuck in a room fool of frauds, people who were too dense to even understand themselves, and he, himself was one of them. Such a pathetic world humans had created.

The hazel-eyed Einstein stood at attention as the University's headmaster introduced him, the exact image of the perfect, pampered, private school student that so many thought he was. "It is my pride, to announce the freshmen class's representative, Yagami Light."

"Here." Resisting the urge to sneer, Light walked up to the podium, taking up the empty space next to the elderly man. Pride? The man had no pride. The possible grandpa was merely trying to get on his good side; after all, it was he who would bring true fame and glory to this university. Headmaster Kobayashi was only using the eighteen-year old for his own self-regard, but of course, Light would never have that happen. If anything, he was going to use the old coot.

Taking a second to smile at the new college student, Kobayashi turned back towards the audience, "And second freshmen class representative, L Lawliet."

"Ah? Oh, here…"

Light suppressed the urge raise a brow in confusion, as he watched the untidy, raven tread his way towards the platform. He had heard that he had to share the freshmen's address with another student, but he couldn't believe that it was to be with this guy of all people.

The Headmaster's voice boomed through the auditorium once more, taking Light's attention away from the approaching student, "Well now that I have these two ingenious young men next to me, I would like to announce that Yagami Light and L Lawliet, two equally brilliant students have both, for the first time ever, scored a perfect on their entrance exams into To-Ou University."

He froze, smile attempting to escape from his face, the young genius had predicted every second of this ceremony, but this definitely was not part of his prediction. Yagami bit his lip as he forced himself not to break out yelling out at the old man. If those fools who set this whole ceremony up thought that this rude moron could possibly be on par with him, Yagami Light, they were dead wrong. There was no possible way that anyone was even close to being at his level, not to mention being on the same. It was impossible!

L nodded at the headmaster, and replaced the aged man at his place at the podium. Light looked at his fellow peer, scrutinizing this new rival of his, smiling even though he would have much rather have circled his hands around that pale white neck of his. Playing the role of the perfect student once more, Light offered out his hand to the newcomer who cocked his head to the side slightly, almost in question, and they stared at each other.

The brunette felt his anger start to fester up as he examined L. There was something different about this man, something about him that he had never seen in anyone before other than his black bags and unusual posture. For some reason, in the first time in his life, Light could not read someone.

After their little staring contest, L finally grasped his hand. Outwardly the tension seemed to have dispersed, but Light knew better. If anything, the tension had only grown, as had his rage. With a nod to each other, the two turned to face the crowd.

Holding up the large sheet of paper that had been given to him, Light cleared his throat, "New life begins to blossom in the breath of spring, yearns for the sun of summer, endures the winds of autumn, and finally wilts in the bitter cold of winter—only to be born anew. Finally, we, the soon to be Freshmen of To-Ou University, will be able to stretch our roots into the fertile soil that they offer us, and there, create our own foundation. Today, we look forward to four, privileged years and the future that the staff, teachers, and fellow peers will help us create. Freshmen Representative, Yagami Light."

Handing the paper to Lawliet, Light turned back to the mass before them. He felt his eyes narrow slightly, that damned L! Throughout the entire time that he had used to present the speech the black-eyed sore had contaminated his thoughts, Yagami could think of nothing but of him. He glanced at his fellow representative through the corner of his eyes. The incompetent fool was holding the paper by 

the corners, the same as how anyone would hold a piece of trash, and drawling out the words that were written there monotonously. It was obvious that he couldn't care less.

The idiot was either trying to insult the school and everyone here, or he was completely insane—but Light doubted that either was the case. He gritted his teeth, what was with this imbecile that managed to rile him up so easily? But honestly, Light knew what it was. This man, this L Lawliet, was someone who threatened to overthrow him from his seat—his throne—and he would rather burn down everything that he had built up till now than let this nitwit steal it away from him.

Before he knew it, L had finished and the crowd was applauding them and Light immediately bowed, having to keep his reputation in check, but his partner did nothing other than scratch his head, staring blankly back. The two geniuses shook hands with Headmaster Kobayashi before descending the stairs together, the applause starting to fade away.

Light, who had been too deeply immersed in his thoughts on the person trailing behind him almost let his surprise show on his face, as L's soft voice reached him, "Yagami-kun, I'll look forward to…seeing you around."

Light merely tilted his head slightly towards the obviously sleep-deprived teen, letting a fake smile take over his face, "As will I, Lawliet-kun." Then the two complete opposites headed their separate ways towards their respective seats.

Accepting a "Congratulations" from his father as he reached him, Light sat himself back onto the softly cushioned chair. Clenching his jaw, Light twisted his fingers in his pressed suit pants. How dare that arrogant prick, address him as if they were even vaguely close? Letting his eyes travel towards his newly confirmed enemy, the brunette silently made a promise to himself. This L—and the rest of these people for that matter, thought that they were on the same level, and by the end of this school year, he will show them all that Yagami Light has conquered L Lawliet.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

'Ridiculous' thought the spiky, black haired man 'simply ridiculous.' Being stuck in an elevator crammed with twenty people and their luggage was, indeed, ridiculous. Or so it was to L Lawliet. The young adult cursed his carelessness—if only he had come to check exactly how many students were moving into their dorms today he wouldn't be stuck here, claustrophobic, with a metal railing digging into his side, ten people breathing down his neck, and he could have sworn he felt someone grab his ass.

It had been a few days since the opening ceremony and during that time, L had asked Watari to make about twenty trips to fifteen different candy stores everyday to pick up as many of his precious sugary delights as he could before he moved into his dorm room. Now, he stood inside an incredibly small and incredibly cramped elevator, watching the lights above the door flicker from one number to the next as it slowly ascended up to his floor. Annoyance picked away at his patience as the minutes crept by, the elevator stopping occasionally, allowing one or two people to exit and five more to pile in, and it had yet to arrive at his floor. All this waiting was starting to gnaw away at his patience, but L, being L, kept his 

blank expression of indifference. Nibbling on one of his many candy bars, L leaned his shoulder against the corner he had been forced into, trying to put some distance between him and the rest of the students inside the elevator.

He scratched at his arm irritably as another bothersome thought popped up. What a pain it would be now that he didn't have Watari with him, the damned school said it was illegal to allow the old man to stay with him. Which, of course, L found completely unreasonable, because, not only did this mean he would have to start shopping for himself, it also meant he would actually have to clean up after himself, wash his own clothes, and much, much more. Placing the tip of his index finger in his mouth, L lifted his gaze up at the ceiling, lost in his troubled thoughts. The only way to he could get out of this was to stop eating sweets…

He froze.

No...sugar?

Immediately, L felt panic starting to rise in his stomach. Life with no sugar--NO, that could not happen, that would be much too cruel! He wrapped his hands around himself slightly for comfort. No candy, no candy, no candy. L had nightmares of that phrase ever since he was a child and right now, he certainly felt like a child. The very thought of not being able to eat a slice of cake every fifteen minutes sent chills up his spine and his heart racing, but to last an entire SEMESTER without sweets?! L felt himself die a little bit on the inside. Breathing out slowly, L attempted to calm himself, but the mere thought of a life with no sweets was making his face twitch and the more he thought about it, the more he twitched, until it seemed his entire face was having a spasm.

The unfortunate soul standing beside the disturbed genius, a pimpled young man by the name of Greg, noticed this and began to feel extremely uneasy. Was this guy having some sort of facial seizure or something?! What if he died and fell on him?! Coughing nervously, Greg stepped as much as possible to the side, putting his leather suitcase in between him and the candy-chewing man.

Not aware of his twitching and the few odd stares he was receiving, the raven haired teen reached behind himself and began stroking the bottom of his backpack affectionately, or not really the backpack, but the contents inside it. In his hand, L held a small suitcase which contained his clothes, and slung over his shoulder was a bag which held his laptop. His large backpack, though, protected something much more important than his laptop and clothes put together. Candy. All the candy he had bought from those candy stores and any leftovers from home, he had stuffed into that backpack. How he managed to fit all of it into one backpack was a mystery.

The freshmen representative scratched the back of his head in frustration; he couldn't just leave his precious sweets to go to waste. But if he didn't, physical labor was just around the corner. Damn it, why did life always have to be so difficult?

A soft 'ding' brought L out of his thoughts and back into the real world. He glanced up at the numbers, and inwardly sighed, finally they had reached his floor. Sticking the rest of the chocolate bar in his mouth, he shoved his hand into his jean pocket and walked past the others, overjoyed that he was finally able to leave the crowded elevator.

Seeing the genius walk off, Greg sighed with relief, smearing his hand across his acne covered face. Any longer and that baggy eyed weirdo might have keeled over from all that twitching.

L made his way down the long, carpeted hallway, walking slowly as he scanned the many doors on each side of him, hoping to find his room, and soon. Despite how crowded the elevator was, the hallway was rather empty, save for one or two students passing by every now and again. Suddenly, sleep deprived eyes caught sight of the numbers he was looking for. Reaching into his back pocket, L took out his card key and swiped it through the card lock. A green button lit immediately followed quickly by the sound of an unlocking door. Grabbing the door knob, L twisted the shiny brass handle and pushed the door open. He wrinkled his nose in disgust. The first thing that greeted him was the scent of stale cologne and old socks, not exactly his favorite smell. Looking around, he was disappointed to see that the dorm room was rather small. To his left was a closet; to his right, an incredibly small "kitchen" with a tiny fridge and microwave, and straight ahead, twin beds and a door leading to the bathroom.

Slipping off his sneakers, L walked to the nearest bed and scanned the room. No bags or accessories were laid out which meant that his roommate hadn't arrive yet.

Setting his luggage onto the mattress, the insomniac climbed on and sank down into his odd sitting position. Unzipping his backpack, he pulled out a handful of lollipops, mints, fun sized candy bars and other miscellaneous sweets. He opened a package of butterscotch and tossed a piece into his mouth whilst cradling the rest in his arm, glancing around the room curiously. After eating his fill, L stood up slowly, careful not to bump his head on the bunk above him. Muttering the word 'bath,' he opened his suitcase and took out his neatly folded jeans and t-shirt, grabbed another handful of candy, and headed towards the restroom, shutting the door behind him.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Anger was slowly beginning to rise in the brunette's chest and he felt someone jab their elbow into his side. He heard them mutter a soft apology which he responded with a small nod of his head and a smile although he wanted more than anything to smack the living daylights out of the bastard. Slipping his hand into his pocket, Light Yagami closed his eyes for a moment, trying to suppress his rage which was growing with each passing minute he was forced to stay inside this ridiculously small elevator with a bunch of imbeciles. Seconds passed, then minutes and Light was finding it harder to keep from punching the next person that touched him. Finally, his anger peaked, but before he could shout, there was a small ding and the elevator doors slid open. The genius cast a glance up at the numbers. Yes, this was his floor, 'About damn time!' Exiting the elevator eagerly, Light strolled down the hall, searching for his room number.

After a few minutes of searching, the eighteen year old caught sight of his dorm room. Before he could reach for his card key, Light noticed that the green light was flashing and the door was opened a crack. Raising a brow, he pushed the door open and stepped inside. One word popped into his mind, 'pathetic.' Light had heard about how small dorms rooms could, be particularly for freshmen, but the place looked like a prison cell! Looking around, the brunette noticed a pair of sneakers. Ah, that's right; he'd almost forgotten he had a roommate. He couldn't help but sigh in frustration. What unworthy idiot would he be stuck with now? Removing his dress shoes, Light made his way down the hall and into the bedroom. A backpack, suitcase and bag lay on one of the beds and shoes at the doorway, and wrappers were scattered on the floor, but no one was in sight. The freshmen rubbed his temples irritably, by the look of things; the guy didn't have any sense of the word "clean." Whoever it was, they must have gone out for 

a bit and when they returned, he'd have to put on his fake smile for them and be polite, how annoying, but nothing he wasn't use to. He set his suitcase down and ran his hand through his auburn hair and a thought suddenly popped up. He needed to urinate, badly. Making his way towards the bathroom, Light grabbed the handle and pulled the door open.

The sight that made him made his irritated expression disappeared be replaced with a look of complete and utter surprise taking its place. The hair on his neck rose while his face flushed a deep tomato red as brown orbs locked onto those of black. Inside the small tub before him sat a very wet and very naked Lawliet, the insomniac's usual calm, blank expression now mirroring the expression of Light's.

"…Ah, Yagami-kun, this is rather…unexpected."

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

…Well, that was rather shittastic…Anyways thanks for reading, and remember to review –winkity wink wink- Hopefully the next chapter will be better DX.

-brokenseraphim & sporkable