A/N: So I read about the blonde jokes in Breaking Dawn, and the stupid rabid plot bunny sunk its teeth in deep. I figured I had to write it and get it out of my head before band camp starts tomorrow. I tried really hard not to give any spoilers away, so sorry if I ruined anything for anyone. This is actually my first Twilight series fanfic ever.
Disclaimer: Yes. Yes I do own Jacob Black (drool) and the multi million dollar franchise that is the Twilight series. Actually, that's a lie. I'm not nearly talented enough to create the world and characters of Twilight- that honor belongs to the one and only Stephanie Meyer. Sigh…
Jacob was fed up with bloodsuckers in general, and a certain blonde leech in particular. They all were so unsettling- they didn't need to sleep, to eat, (regularly anyway,) or even to move around. They were carved from stone; he felt like he was imposing by moving, by breathing. It was irritating, and Bella's condition certainly wasn't easing his nerves.
She groaned and shifted fitfully in her sleep. Jacob brought a calloused hand up to pull back the sweaty hair from her forehead. He accidentally brushed against the blonde's cold arm and pulled back as if burned. Rosalie hissed. Yes, the werewolf was beginning to really wish he could do some permanent damage to the annoying vampire. Unfortunately, due to Bella, that was out of the question. However, there were other ways to release some pent up frustration…
"Hey blondie." Jacob began. Rosalie was smart enough to know where this was going, so she remained silent.
"Do you know why the blonde climbed the chain link fence?" Silence. "So she could see what was on the other side. How do you get a blonde hanging in a tree to fall?" More silence "Wave. Oh, wait, wait. Leah told me a really good one. How does it go? Oh yeah, What did the blonde's boyfriend say when she couldn't fit her jig saw puzzle pieces together to make a picture of a tiger?" Jacob couldn't be sure, but he thought he heard the sound of vampiric teeth grinding together in anger. "Put the cornflakes back in the box, dear."
This time, Jacob was certain she was actually grinding her teeth. He was also almost certain he heard Emmett's low, bear-like chuckle, from the garage. He grinned and continued. "How do you confuse a blonde? Ask them to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms. Why does it work? Because she can't decide if three goes between M or W."
Rosalie reached her limit. "Did you hear about what happened to the annoying, stupid dog that got stuck in a trap?"
"No," Jacob drawled, "I can't say I have."
"He bit off three legs to get himself loose and he was still stuck."
Jacob seemed to ponder that for a moment, and then grinned widely. "Got any more?" he asked.
Rosalie glowered at him. "No."
"Good. Because I do," and with that statement, he pulled a paperback book of blonde jokes out of the pocket of his sweatpants, to Rosalie's dismay, and began again.