Hallmark

o-o-o-o

"Excuse me, but do you have cards for friends who have royally screwed up?"

o-o-o-o

Today's shopping jaunt comes with a mission, which narrows the prospective stores they had to visit considerably. Roxas is pleased with the outcome, but less than pleased with the cataclysmic event leading up to it.

Kairi was trying to be constructive with her art critique – but Namine's foray into modern sculpture left much to be desired. It's found objects, she had said. Found objects repurposed to tell a story. Roxas was with Kairi at the gallery's grand opening, trying to aid his girlfriend in her epic quest to derive meaning and symbolism from various projects, but he was just as lost as Kairi was when forced to experience the modern art movement.

("I don't get it," he had said. "It just looks like she went dumpster diving. What emotion am I supposed to be feeling again?" "Probably redemption. Seems to be a common theme in the art scene." And here Roxas was thinking most of the pieces on display revolved around death).

"I didn't mean to sound snooty," Kairi says. "But I just didn't see the symbolism behind the erasure shavings."

Namine had taken it upon herself to construct a scene where a lone Barbie doll (found object) was sitting in front of the computer monitor constructed out of cardboard (installation piece) covered in erasure shavings (repurposed item) trying, apparently, to take back what she said online (symbolism) and finding the effort an exercise in futility (deeper meaning) because what's done is done and sometimes the delete key is rendered obsolete in the face of instantaneous social faux pas.

"They were hard to identify," Roxas agrees. "It's hard to tell a narrative through the medium of trash."

"But I'm her best friend and I'm supposed to support her! And I failed! Now I need a condolence card to redeem myself and ask for forgiveness!"

"You could present her with some erasure shavings."

"Roxas, you are decidedly not helping."

"I think you are going to have a hard time finding a condolence card over the loss of artistic meaning. Aren't they usually given when people die and stuff?"

"It's Hallmark. They have a card for everything."

o-o-o-o

"Lemme know if you need help with anything," comes the blasé offer behind the cash register. The man with an eyepatch is glued to his phone, though, so Kairi doubts the validity of such a statement.

Regardless, she decides to take him up on his offer.

"Yes, hello, I need help finding a card for someone who has royally screwed up. Can you help me?"

"… We have condolence cards," he says slowly.

(Roxas: Told ya so.)

"No, nobody died, I just happened to open my mouth at the wrong time. Not as grave but still just as important."

The man – Xigbar, his nametag says – pauses.

"I doubt that."

"You don't even know what I said!" Kairi huffs. "It could have been anything!"

(Roxas: If nobody died maybe it doesn't warrant a condolence card.)

"I'd listen to your boyfriend if I were you," Xigbar says.

"Well, you're not! Me, I mean." (Here Xigbar can be heard muttering a very distinct 'thank God.') "And isn't the customer always right?"

"You're not a customer if you haven't bought anything yet."

Roxas wants to argue this logic, for it doesn't seem a hundred percent right, but lacks the motivation to do so.

"I could potentially be buying something."

(Roxas: I don't think that's good enough.)

"And I could potentially give a rat's ass."

Kairi bristles at the statement.

"Where is your manager?"

Roxas rubs his temples furtively.

"What is it with you and managers lately? First McChocobos, now this."

"I'll have you know I was in the right both times."

"I'm the manager," Xigbar says.

Again, Roxas doubts the authenticity of such a statement. But he's having a fun time watching Kairi try to argue her way into rightfully purchasing a condolence card (or out of it, she keeps switching her mind), so he lets it slide.

"I just want a card that says I'm sorry. Do you happen to have any of those?"

"We have blank cards where you can write whatever you want."

Roxas knows Kairi won't go for it, for that sounds too much like defeat. And Kairi doesn't do defeat well.

"That's just lazy consumerism."

"You're actually extolling more effort by writing an apology instead of buying a premade one," Roxas can't help but point out.

"You're not helping. Again."

Roxas figures she handled that statement better than she could have.

"Well, I'm going to go find one myself!" Kairi huffs, turning on a dime and walking proudly into one of the aisles.

"And I'm going with her," Roxas says needlessly. Xigbar couldn't care less. He just goes back to texting on his phone.

There are so many cards to choose from Roxas is momentarily paralyzed by indecision. He reaches for the first one he can grab and sees if it's any good.

"I found a get well card," he notes.

"She's not sick, Roxas, just artistic."

"True enough."

Roxas looks around the store for anything that may help him limit the search. It would take years to get through all their options, and Roxas doesn't have years to spare.

"Look! The clearance rack!"

"I'm not getting Namine's apology off the clearance rack!"

"You may want to reconsider. Have you seen how expensive these things are nowadays? And it's not like she'll ever know."

"The only expensive ones are the ones with music in them," Kairi notes. "And I don't think they make musical sympathy cards."

Roxas can see why.

"Here, how about this one?" Urekia, he thinks he's found it. An apology card not to sappy and not too expensive. And, to top it all off, it's funny. "Look, there's even a donkey on it!"

"Why would a sympathy card have a donkey on it?"

"Because on the inside it says: I'm sorry for being an ass!"

Roxas finds this much more amusing than Kairi does. For the life of him he doesn't see why. It's exactly the kind of card he would buy for Sora if he said something incredibly moronic.

"Roxas, that's not what I'm looking for."

"Aw, come on, Kai. It's perfect – it's a condolence card where nobody died!"

"I don't think Namine considers this a laughing matter."

"Maybe she will after opening this card."

Kairi remains unimpressed.

"Keep looking," she orders. Roxas pouts, but it is to no avail. His girlfriend has made up her mind, and there is nothing to be done concerning the matter. Roxas has figured this out after dating her for the better part of a year.

After much searching, Kairi finally settles on some flowery arrangement that looks like it would be more at home in a funeral parlor than her best friend's living room. It's all done up in mute colors and flowery, cursive script, heralding the words my deepest sympathies arranged around the picture of a tiny angel holding a broken heart. Roxas finds it unnecessary and more than a touch over dramatic given the occasion, but apparently Kairi doesn't think so, for she's marching up to the counter to buy the stupid thing.

"That will be $5.75," Xigbar drones.

Roxas can't believe commercialized sympathy is so damn expensive. The card probably cost more than the entirety of Namine's modern sculpture.

He goes to pay, opens his wallet, and finds that Kairi has finally bled him dry. He doesn't have $5.75 to spare. In fact, he has no cash at all.

"Um, Kairi, I'm experiencing some technical difficulties."

"What is it?"

Roxas graces his girlfriend with the center of his empty wallet.

"I spent the last of our money at McChocobos."

"How could you? I got our meal for free."

"… I donated to Kids With Cancer, remember?"

Kairi pauses. She stopped carrying cash when she started dating Roxas.

"Lemme see if I've got anything on me."

She reaches into her size two jeans and manages to find three singles. They've gone through the wash at least twice, and Roxas wouldn't be surprised if they were left over remnants from her lunch money days during middle school.

"That doesn't look like $5.75," Xigbar helpfully offers.

It also doesn't look like Kairi can argue her way out of this one.

"Tell you what I'll do, since I'm such a nice guy and all – if you open a credit card with us today, you can save some money on today's purchase."

That's not being nice, Roxas thinks to himself. That's company policy.

It doesn't look like he'll have to say anything, though. Kairi has that look on her face that heralds immediate doom for whoever is participating with her in the conversation at hand.

"Like I'd do anything to help out your store!" she quips. She then turns on her heel, for a second time, and marches back into the aisle.

"Looks like clearance rack it is, then," Roxas says to no one in particular.

Here XIgbar decides to be somewhat helpful for the first time all morning.

"Why don't you just send her an email? It'll be cheaper."

"We can't," Roxas says dejectedly. "We have to put erasure shavings in it."

Xigbar doesn't want to know, so Xigbar doesn't ask.

Roxas then joins Kairi at the clearance rack display.

"So, what are our choices?"

All that is on offer for Kairi to choose from are four retirement cards, three bat mitzvahs, five anniversaries, and two first communions. Needless to say, she is not impressed with her choices.

"Now what?"

"Well, first we should make sure they're three dollars," Roxas points out.

"Two dollars and ninety five cents!"

Kairi sounds triumphant for the first time that day.

"Okay, now we just have to pick one."

They are all equally bad options, so Kairi closes her eyes and grabs one. She doesn't even look at what she chose. There's really no point. They were going to have to edit it anyway. Roxas is usually up for surprises, but he sincerely doubts any amount of ball point pen can make a first communion card suitable.

Kairi, now victorious, returns to the cash register and boldly throws the card down in front of Xigbar.

"Found it! It's a card for $2.95 and I have exactly three dollars!"

The manager blinks. "Um … tax?"

Kairi's good mood immediately evaporates. She takes to pacing the floor, face the epitome of total concentration. She keeps the feat up for so long Roxas is surprised when she doesn't wear a rut in the carpet. Eventually she breaks from her trance long enough to address Xigbar again.

"Do you happen to have a restroom?"

Roxas initially balks at this, assuming Kairi has grown so desperate that she has now taken to shop lifting, but feels assuaged when he realizes Xigbar is the one holding the card.

"No, we just shit outside like bears."

"One I can use, I mean."

"Sorry, employees only."

"You have got to be kidding. I'm a paying customer. I should be able to use the bathroom."

"Technically you haven't paid yet." Xigbar pauses. "And I don't think you can. Not with three dollars." Here he pauses again. "Unless you become a Hallmark's Rewards Member." And he pauses a final time. "And incidentally help out my store."

Roxas is sure he is making this more difficult than it has to be.

"Well, if I do that will you let me use the bathroom?"

The blonde is impressed with his girlfriend's persistence. She must really have to pee.

"I don't see why not," Xigbar relents.

Now Kairi is forced to choose between her bodily functions and her pride. Roxas honestly doesn't know which way this conversation is going to play out. He watches, rapt. He almost wishes he had a bucket of popcorn to fully enjoy the festivities. It was worth going shopping today just to see this.

"We do need a card," Roxas interjects, hesitant to do so but ultimately deciding against staying quiet when he remembers Namine's crestfallen face as Kairi said, out loud, for all of the gallery to hear, "I'm sorry, but I just don't get it." It didn't seem so bad in hindsight, but Namine is sensitive as far as her artwork is concerned. He actually thinks he saw her sneaking off to the bathroom to cry afterwards. Kairi isn't entirely at fault, for Roxas didn't get it either, but at least he had the common sense not to say so in front of the judges. "At least, we do if we're going to include erasure shavings," he immediately adds upon seeing his girlfriend shoot him a particularly nasty glare, which he can only assume was issued because he seemed to be siding with Xigbar.

"Fine. I'll become a Rewards Member. What do I do?"

"First, open a credit card with us. You are eighteen, right?"

Kairi lies. "Of course."

Roxas prays fervently the cashier doesn't ask to see identification. Of course, he doesn't strike Roxas as someone who would willingly exert the effort. He is pleased when he doesn't.

Kairi busies herself at the cashier, fuming all the while, cell phone resting in one hand and a pen poised in the other, as she applies for a Hallmark card in order to buy another Hallmark card.

"Gotta say, I've never seen someone apply for a card to save a whole seventy four cents."

Kairi looks pleadingly at Roxas. He already knows what she's asking.

"That means you're saving twenty five percent off your purchase," he whispers. "Seventy four cents is twenty five percent of two ninety five. You'll owe two twenty one. And," he adds, as an afterthought, "You'll be allowed to use the bathroom."

"Now that we've got that all cleared up," Xigbar says, gladly taking the three proffered singles and the credit card application, "Here is your clearance rack retirement card!" Upon handing over the bag, he asks Kairi, "Now, would you mind terribly filling out an online survey to let the higher ups know what remarkable service you received today at your local Hallmark?"

Kairi bristles, bites her tongue, and thinks better of it. "Of course, Mister Xigbar. After you point me in the direction of the bathroom."

o-o-o-o

"Are you really going to fill out that survey?"

"Of course not," Kairi says. "And I don't intend to ever use my Rewards Card again."

"That's good, because I don't think what you did is exactly legal."

"Oh, don't worry, I put false information in."

"Wait, what? I saw Xigbar check it at the store!"

"Well, it wasn't entirely false information. It was Axel's."

Roxas' hands migrate to his temples.

"That's identity theft, Kairi. That's a criminal offense. And how on earth did you know Axel's social security number?"

"I texted Demyx. He went in the back of Hot Topic and pulled Axel's old work papers."

Ignoring the fact that his girlfriend was so deft at texting he didn't even see her do it, he presses on with his inquiries.

"And Demyx didn't find it strange that you were asking for these things?"

"Honestly? I don't think Demyx cares."

"Apparently not."

"All I really needed to know was the social security number. Everything else I've gathered by proxy of you."

" … You memorized his home address?"

Roxas doesn't know if he should be amused or slightly concerned.

"I googled him last time you went over to his house."

"You googled him?"

"Yeah, just in case you needed to be rescued. I map quested it and everything."

Roxas was torn between feeling touched and smothered. Half of him wants to say 'aw,' while half of him wants to face palm and mutter, 'good Lord.'

"Okay, okay, maybe I didn't gather everything. Demyx was very helpful."

"Speaking of which, do you need help making that card actually appropriate?"

"Much. I can't believe I picked a retirement card."

"You closed your eyes – what did you expect?"

Kairi doesn't have a ready answer, so she ignores the question.

"Let's see," she muses, taking the card out of the bag. "Happy no more work ever." Kairi flips the card open and looks at the inside. "There's no better wish than that."

Roxas sighs. "Well, you can say she enjoys her job so much that it will never seem like work."

Roxas thinks editing this particular card will be such a challenge. They probably would have exerted less effort purchasing a blank one and making up their condolence from scratch. Then again, they couldn't afford it.

"Good enough. I've got no better ideas."

Kairi busies herself with a renegade sharpie procured from the endless bottomless bag that is her purse and goes to town with her altercations.

o-o-o-o

In the end, the plan backfired. Namine received the card and took it the worst possible way. "Are you saying I'm so bad that I'll never find work?" Kairi fell over backwards trying to explain herself, but quickly found there was little to say without admitting to the entire monetary fiasco they encountered at Hallmark.

"We should have waited until we went home for the cash," Roxas admits after Namine runs off to the bathroom to cry for a second time during the span of three days. "Then we could have avoided the waterworks and you wouldn't be a felon."

"I'm only a felon if I get caught," Kairi argues weakly. "Axel wouldn't press charges anyway. Not after Hot Topic. Besides, he'd probably be impressed with the whole ordeal, knowing him."

"I can't believe you made Demyx an accomplice. I didn't save him from unemployment so you could get him thrown in jail."

"Roxas! Nobody is going to jail! It's not a big deal, really!"

"Tell that to the judge. You can't argue your way out of everything. Judges don't have managers you can complain to if you don't like the outcome."

"No, but I'd probably have a really good lawyer, and they excel at arguing. That's what makes them lawyers."

"Kairi, if you can't afford a measly sympathy card how are you going to find the money to hire a half way decent lawyer?"

She looks at her boyfriend expectantly.

"I am not helping you out if you choose to pursue a life of crime!"

"Would you at least help me post bail?"

"I thought you weren't getting caught."

"Hypothetically speaking."

"No, I would not help you post bail. You're on your own with this one."

Kairi's brow furrows immediately.

"I thought you were my boyfriend!" she snaps. With that, she follows Namine into the bathroom – though Roxas knows it's not to cry, just make a point – which she has since now he's second guessing his decision to let her handle her own legal affairs.

Also, he's going to end up spending more money after answering the way he did.

Because now he's going to have to find a sympathy card.

Author's Notes

I'm pretty sure no manager would not ask to see identification when applying for a credit card, which, technically speaking, Kairi could have then used to purchase a more expensive card – but let's just say she didn't want to use the Rewards Card as a matter of pride. Or something. XD

Sorry this chapter is so weak. I put them in Hallmark and then I didn't know what to do with them. I'll try to make up for it with an extra long chapter next time.

This update it dedicated to the lovely Miss Adair, who is entirely to blame for this thing's resuscitation. Without her, there probably wouldn't be an update at all. Thank you, m'dear, for your lovely review and the time you have spent reading and writing comments for this fic. It means the world to me, really. Words can not express my gratitude. Your PM's are like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day!

And a special shout out goes to SoraKairi7 for the lovely review and the equally lovely conversation that followed!

Also, thank you Riri, Polmanae, and JDH1080 for the comments!