Turned Tables

Okay, I just kinda' got this idea while trying to fall asleep. One instinct said, "GO TO SLEEP NAOW ASDFDLJFLSDJFLAJSDFD." The other said, "GET ON THAT COMPUTER AND TYPE NAOW." Therefore, it's obvious what instinct won.
All characters and likenesses belong to Masashi Kishimoto. The only thing I own is…….. Well, a half-eaten box of Keebler© Butter Herb Snack Sticks. I don't even really own those even, because my mom bought them.

-kitty1994

--

When Kakuzu awoke, it was pitch black. As he slowly started to regain his senses, he discovered that this was caused by the fact that he was at least several feet underground. Suddenly feeling burst throughout his limbs, and he also then became aware of the fact that every joint and muscle in his body ached; his entire body was stiff, as if he hadn't moved at all for at least several days.

When he managed to open his strangely colored eyes, it did little good, as there was no source of light to be found in what appeared to be a coffin. Flexing his fingers, the haziness that clouded his mind started to fade, along with the stiffness of his limbs. Stretching a bit more, he raised his arms, and pushed against the lid gingerly, but to no avail.

How had he even gotten into this mess? The last thing he could remember was losing to that stupid blonde kid and that jonin with the silver hair killing him (or at least that's what everyone had thought at the time). If he really strained, he could vaguely remember the sensation of being lifted and carried somewhere.

From what Kakuzu's mind could infer, the Konoha medical corps had probably transported his corpse to an autopsy room to examine his body. After that, they had probably buried his body, thus him ending up in a coffin, 6-feet under. Retreating back to his plan of pushing the lid off, he once more gave the lid an experimental push, this time much more forcefully.

This time, his show of force was met with the creaking of wood, and dust raining down onto his face and body. Quickly deciding that brute force would get him nowhere, he sat back and assessed his situation.

1: He had somehow survived having his last heart destroyed. How that happened was a mystery, but not a priority at the moment.

2: Most likely, the ninja of Konoha thought he was long dead (how long dead, he couldn't be sure). This would be to his advantage once he got onto the surface.

3: He was stuck at least three feet underground in a flimsy coffin. Planning would have to go towards this; also a priority.

4: However much he disliked the fact, he would have to retrieve Hidan before returning to the base. Leader would not be happy to find out Kakuzu had just left him, thus losing another member of the organization.

5: Once he achieved point 3, he would need a plan to escape Konoha. Since he could not be sure of where he was, he would have to wait until he was out of here to figure that out.

Now sure of what he had to do, Kakuzu used his threads to start chipping away at the wood to his right. Making short work of the thin wood, he began to dig slightly up and out. After what he gauged to be about 20 minutes, he broke the surface layer of dirt. Pulling himself out of the ground, he saw that his assumptions about being in a graveyard were correct.

Jumping out of the hole quickly, he filled it in and darted into the shadows. Looking around, it was thankfully night, and the building he was against turned out to be Konoha General Hospital. Sticking to the shadows, he made his way around the building and in through a window. Instantly seeking cover, Kakuzu's eyes scanned the room.

The contents of the room included various medical equipment, with the accompanying monitors, a small end table, a few chairs, a small dresser, and an occupied bed. At this he instantly froze, pressing himself against the wall. The occupant of the bed had unruly silver hair, a mask, and a scar across his left eye.

Recognizing the man who had 'killed' him, Kakuzu was very tempted to cause him bodily harm. But that would be messy, and reveal his presence. Stealth was his main goal at the moment. Instead, Kakuzu opted for stealing some things from the room, those being a mask, the regulation jonin uniform, a pair of sandals, and a Konoha headband.

Sure, it was a little small, but it was better than the obvious dirt encrusted and blood-stained clothing that he usually wore under his Akatsuki uniform. After dressing, and adjusting the mask and headband in the proper places, he set out into the hospital hallway. Coming to a flight of stairs at the end, he quickly climbed them, up to the roof.

From what he had seen, the hospital was at least three stories high, thus giving him a good vantage point to take in his surroundings. Reaching the roof, Kakuzu walked to the edge and looked around. Finding the largest building in the village, he guessed it to be the Hokage Tower. Trailing his eyes along the edges of the village, he spotted several gates from where he was.

Ruling out the largest, and obviously the main gate, he instead searched for a less guarded route. Choosing a decidedly smaller entrance to the village, he jumped from the roof of the hospital, and into a dark alley. He used what alleys he could, and made his way towards the gate he had chosen.

Kakuzu had to say, it was a good idea stealing those cloths and headband from that jonin. More than once, he had run into a patrol, and with his other cloths, it would have been obvious he was not supposed to be there. Reaching the gate, there were only a few guards on duty. It was a great improvement from the most likely 20 or so at the main gate.

Unfortunately, however, there was a problem. There was no way for Kakuzu to open the gate, without attracting too much attention. There was also no way to go over the gate either. That meant that he would either have to use genjutsu to distract the guards, or wait until they opened the gate to slip through. Unfortunately, Kakuzu's specialty was not genjutsu, that's what they had Itachi in the Akatsuki for.

With that, Kakuzu sighed, and settled down in the alley for the inevitably long wait. After consulting a nearly broken watch he had found, it turned out to have been a couple of hours, and nearly 2 AM. Pausing for a second, he thought. If it was around 2 AM, that meant he had 'risen from the dead' sometime around midnight.

Kakuzu nearly laughed at the thought. Maybe some witch had cast a spell to raise him from the dead. Smirking once more he turned his attention back to the gate. Wait a minute, what was that noise? Quickly looking left, he spotted a group of genin walking down the road, looking for all instances, irritated and tired.

Leaning further into the shadows, Kakuzu observed them silently as they walked toward the gate. If they were leaving, this would be his chance to escape, and get back to the base. Just as they were passing his hiding place, a soft whine emitted from the boy with red marks on his face. He opened the top of his coat to reveal a small dog that turned toward Kakuzu's hiding place and whined once more. The boy attempted to peer into the shadows of the alley.

"What is it Akamaru?" he said. Kakuzu mentally cursed that dog. He was giving away his position!

"K-Kiba, we need to hurry up…," the girl of the group timidly called. Kiba looked back for a second and then turned to Akamaru.

"It's okay Akamaru, it's probably just a stray cat," and at that, Kiba hurried off towards the gate. Kakuzu sighed in relief. That was a close call. Now, he needed to focus on timing his dash right, so that he made it past the gates without drawing attention to himself. Almost, just a few more seconds…… there!

Kakuzu dashed from his hiding place and through the gates. After getting through, he threw himself left, and into some bushes. Finally able to relax somewhat, he sat back against a tree and listened to the forest.

"S-Shino, what's our mission? I hope it's not anything d-dangerous…," a girl's voice stuttered.

"It doesn't seem too dangerous Hinata. All we have to do is go keep watch on a battle ground apparently," the boy now identified as Shino replied. At this Kakuzu listened more closely.

"Aw man, this sucks. Why do we have to be the ones to watch a lifeless battleground at 2 AM?" Kiba complained. Shino didn't look up, but replied,

"According to the mission scroll, it isn't lifeless. The scroll says that Shikamaru Nara defeated an immortal Akatsuki member." Hinata's voice gained a quivering tone.

"Y-You mean there's a chance he could attack us?!" she said fearfully. Shino shook his head.

"No. When Shikamaru defeated him, he blew apart his body with paper bombs, and then buried all the body parts. We just have to make sure that no one tries to dig him up, and put him back together." Kakuzu had long since started paying complete attention to the conversing genin. He was sure of it, they were talking about Hidan. This made his job all the much easier; the only thing he had to do was follow them, and they'd lead him to Hidan.

The entire time Kakuzu followed them, he made sure to keep a good distance, so that that boy's dog wouldn't be able to smell him. He had long since abandoned his watch, as it restricted movement of his threads, so he had no way to know for sure how long they had been walking. When they reached their destination, he set about formulating a plan to distract or get rid of them.

When he had his plan, he set it into motion.

--

As they arrived on the site, it was obvious that a massive battle had taken place. Looking around, you could see where the explosion had damaged the area; the trees were scorched in a circle around the patch of broken up ground. Suddenly, a rustling in the trees caught their attention, causing them to tense and ready weapons. Out of the trees jumped two ninja, the guards from the gate they had exited.

They looked frantic, and rushed over to the three genin.

"We have to get back to the village, quickly! It's under attack by enemy ninja! All the squads are being called back!" they explained hurriedly. Getting past their shock, Hinata and Kiba nodded, and followed the guards when they set off back towards the gate. Shino however, paused for a moment and looked around. 'There's something odd about this…,' he thought, before following his teammates.

--

Kakuzu watched the squad of genin follow the shadow clones he'd created. 'Good. That should keep them busy for awhile.' He thought. Checking for chakra signatures, he then darted to the section of broken earth where Hidan was supposedly buried. Releasing his threads, he made short work of the ground, and soon found an arm, a hand and what might have been Hidan's thigh. After digging around a bit more, he had found all of the body parts, excluding the head.

Digging around once more, he soon heard what sounded like muffled yelling in a spot he had yet to dig. Moving to that area, he came across a patch of dirty silver hair. Grabbing the strands, he pulled up, and the rest of the head followed.

"-TCH! STOP MESSING WITH MY BODY PARTS! PUT ME DOWN DAMN YOU!" Hidan cried angrily. Yes, that was Hidan. No mistaking it. Kakuzu sighed.

--

One week. 7 FUCKING DAYS and Kakuzu still hadn't come and gotten him out of this damn hole. He'd even gone to the trouble to make sure he wouldn't die. Oh, you were wondering about that? I GAVE HIM MY HEART, in the literal sense. What? I should be dead? I'll grow a new one! Seriously, some of you people.

Anyways, what was I ranting about? Oh yes. DAMN KAKUZU AND HIS LEAVING ME TO ROT IN A HOLE. Alright, I'm done. What, you were expecting a full out rant about it? No, I'll save that until he comes and gets me……. H-He will come get me, right? ...WHO THE HELL AM I TALKING TO?!

--

In his hole, while he was focusing on breaking the forth wall, and exactly who it was he was breaking it for, he felt something. Like someone moving the dismembered parts of his body. What if it was Kakuzu? What if it wasn't Kakuzu? What the hell were these people doing?! And at that, Hidan started his rant.

"STOP MESSING WITH MY BODY, YOU SON OF A BITCH! STOP MESSING WITH MY BODY PARTS! PUT ME DOWN DAMN YOU!"

--

Yes. Hidan likes breaking the forth wall….A LOT. So be prepared. He also gets his own little section for his thoughts. Wow, this is like, the longest piece of text I've ever written. Yay! I'm done! I might continue this, depending on how it's received. I do hope I got Kakuzu in character. It's something I really focused on. Anyway, please tell me if you thought I did well on the general stuff, and with keeping people in character. Reviews will be welcomed, regardless of heat intensity!

-kitty1994