SCENE 10
-Hoshi goes to see the doctor-
Hoshi- doctor, do you remember that conversation in the conference room about T'Pol's cleavage?
Phlox- of course ensign, how could I forget that? (with and on chin, looking up)
Hoshi- I was wandering if there was a way that… that-mine could stick out
Phlox- Ensign, I'm not sure I know what you're talking about
Hoshi- yeah you do, I wanna em to stick out, be noticeable, like T'Pol's
Phlox- you mean like enhancements?
Hoshi- oh, well,… yeah!!
Phlox- well, if you want a trial basis you can stick this on (holding up a fake rack)
Hoshi- aaaah, yeeeesssss!! I do!! (she yanks it out of phlox's hands)
-Hoshi leaves and goes to her quarters to prepare for her shift-
SCENE 11
-Everyone is at their stations when the captain enters. Archer looks around the room-
Archer- no Hoshi
-archer takes another look, and this time stops at the tactical station and sees Malcolm Reed-
Archer- Malcolm I thought I told you and Trip to fix the replicator
Malcolm- we decided to do that this afternoon
Archer- what, why not do it now
Malcolm- we didn't feel like it
T'Pol- how come you never do what the captain says
Malcolm- I never disobeyed the captain
T'Pol- you and Trip haven't fixed the replicator when the captain gave you a direct order to do so
Malcolm- yes, but he never said when, and I thought Vulcan's were logical
-the arguing continues, but stops abruptly when Hoshi busts in and I do mean busts-
Hoshi- notice anything different
Malcolm- you're wearing your hair down
T'Pol- you lost weight
Travis- you did your make-up different
Archer-you dyed your hair, oh what am I saying, why am I joining in on this?
-Trip walks in carrying the tools to fix the replicator-
Trip- (throwing the tools) oh my God!! She's huge
T'Pol- I thought we had that discussion yesterday
Trip- I was talking about Hoshi
-Trip forgot what he came there to do and left again. Everyone takes a second look at Hoshi
Malcolm- WOW!!
Hoshi- how come Trip was the only one who noticed?
Travis- I only glanced
T'Pol- I'm not in the habit of looking at another female's breasts no matter the species
Malcolm- the tactical station was blocking my view
Hoshi- oh, well here have a better look
-Hoshi walks over to Malcolm's station and shakes for all she's worth-
Malcolm- (looking like he's enjoying the show) I see them now
-the antics continue, and all of the sudden an explosion occurs knocking Hoshi over and lands her fake breasts in malcolm's face-
Malcolm- now I really see them!!
Archer- what was that?
T'Pol- an explosion captain
Archer- yeah, but what caused it?
T'Pol- a ship perhaps
Malcolm- shut up T'Pol
T'Pol- there you go again insulting me
Malcolm- this is the first time I insulted you. Today at least
-T'Pol gives Malcolm the Vulcan eye-
Malcolm- well, maybe it was the second time
Archer- you people, we have just been attacked by an enemy and all you can do is bicker
Malcolm- that's right captain, besides T'Pol started it
Archer- never mind who started it, I'm finishing it
-archer's left eye starts twitching, and Hoshi makes her way to her station-
Hoshi- captain, we are receiving a transmission. Audio only
Archer- put it through
-over the comm. Comes a bunch of peep like high pitched barks with laughing
Archer- get that translated now Hoshi
-Hoshi starts working-
Archer- T'Pol what kind of ship is that
T'Pol- the kind that flies
Travis- what other kind would it be?
T'Pol- the kind that doesn't fly
Archer- STOP!!
-archer puts his finger to his eye, and pokes it because travis slams on the brakes-
Archer- stop the arguing not the ship
Malcolm- well, now you know to be more specific when giving orders
Archer- what kind of ship is out there and I want to know who we are dealing with
T'Pol- well, why didn't you say that before
-T'Pol runs scans-
T'Pol- the ship appears to be a 20th century chicken egg, only much larger
Malcolm- this I've got to see. Put it on screen
Archer- Malcolm, I'm the captain, that's my line not yours
Malcolm- oops
-the egg is put on screen-
Archer- what kind of weapons do they have?
Malcolm- as far as I can see, eggs
Hoshi- I got it
Archer- what?
Hoshi- the translation
-archer waits a beat-
Archer- well, what did they say?
Hoshi- they said 'oops, we missed we meant to hit your warp core'
-a torpedo launches from enterprise without warning. It hits the other ship
Malcolm- oops my finger slipped
Archer- Malcolm, don't ever do that again; Hoshi, translate; travis, move this ship; T'Pol, not a word
Trip- (over the comm.) captn' what's going on up there?
Malcolm- we're being threatened by a giant chicken egg. And what's worse they have egg weapons
Trip- so scramble em and lets eat
Malcolm- I prefer mine fried
T'Pol- sunny side up
Travis- I don't like eggs
Archer- Trip, back to work. Hoshi, what did they say
-Trip signs off-
Hoshi- I thought you'd never ask. They said 'prepare to be bearded. We are the chickuawas and resistance is fertile
Malcolm- you've got to be kidding me
Archer- hail them and get them on screen
-Hoshi hails them back, the captain does his speech thing. And on screen pops up a Chihuahua head on a yellow chicks fuzzy body with a dog like tail. And it is only 1ft tall and less than 3 lbs
Malcolm- now you've really got to be kidding me
Archer- Lt. do you mind
T'Pol- I think I'm with Lt. Reed on this one
Malcolm- for a change we agree
Hoshi- aawwwwe. I want one
-the translator is working-
Captain of he chickuawas- I am the captain prepare to be boarded and surrender to us
Malcolm- my foot is bigger than you
Captain- that's beside the point. We will fire if you don't surrender at once
Malcolm- what are you gonna do, egg us to death. Come one you already missed once
Captain- so what
Malcolm- so I don't miss
Archer- put an egg in it Malcolm, and let me handle this. I am the captain
T'Pol- the captain's is eggactly right he is the captain
Malcolm- T'Pol, how long does it take you to think this stuff up
T'Pol- listen Reed, don't get all hard boiled about it
Malcolm- well, at least I like my eggs cooked. You like yours raw
T'Pol- it's very nutritious
Malcolm- and very raw to
Hoshi- and runny
Malcolm- what?
Hoshi- my nose its running
Archer- people we just got attacked but a giant 20th century chicken egg so lets crack down
Malcolm- well, with how small they are they're probably soft shelled
Archer- very funny. Now listen up you chickuawa, we will not surrender to you if it's the last thing we do
Malcolm- eggcissly
Archer- what is your name
Captain- ed, and captain archer, how to you expect to fight us when you fight among yourselves
Malcolm- we're not fighting, its more like aggressive conversation
Ed- oh well, whatever it is, it's going to get you killed
-malcolm busts out laughing-
Archer- Lt. please
Ed- what is the meaning of this
Malcolm- I'm sorry but its hard to take a threat seriously when its coming from a 1ft, 3lb chick dog
Archer- I wouldn't go quite to that extent but anything you can throw at us, Ed, we can throw more
Ed- you have a point. Stay here while we go get some hired help
Archer- ok, wait, NO
-Ed disconnected-
Archer- I'm becoming my crew. It's going to be the death of me
SCENE 12
-Trip re-enters the bridge
Trip- I remembered what I came for (starts picking up the tools that he threw) you Malcolm
Malcolm- me?
Trip- yeah you, don't you remember you, me, replicator
Reed- thought we were doing that this afternoon
Trip- it is this afternoon, idiot
Malcolm- sorry I got distracted by Hoshi's boobs, the slamming brakes and the chickuawas, hahaha
T'Pol- it's gonna about time your going to fix that
Malcolm- no T'Pol, we're going to work on it not necessarily fix it
T'Pol- well you should fix it
Malcolm- I said we'd try, what more do you want
T'Pol- well now that you ask there are a few things I want such as
Malcolm- T'Pol, it was a rhetorical question
T'Pol- then, why did you ask
Malcolm- I was being sarcastic
T'Pol- well that was just rude
Malcolm- that's the whole point
Archer- stop it
Travis- sir, we're already stopped
Archer- (says through his teeth) I know that, I was talking about the arguing again
Travis- oh
Archer- I want the arguing to stop; Malcolm, Trip go fix or work on or whatever you're going to do to the replicator; T'Pol shut up and look up information on the chickuawas (Malcolm is heard laughing in the background) Hoshi memorize their language and Travis get this ship going
Travis- sir, the brake pads need to be changed
Archer- that means someone has to go outside
Malcolm- I'm not doing it, the antigrav never works for me
Archer- get out!! (screaming at Malcolm and Trip)
-Malcolm and Trip leave-
SCENE 13
Archer- (speaks over the comm.) crewman Pye report to the bridge
-five minutes later Crewman Pye walks in-
Archer- crewman Pye, go outside and fix the brake pads
Pye- me?
Archer- yeah, you, now go
Pye- yes sir
-pye leaves to go prepare for his assignment. Meanwhile, on another part of the ship, Trip and Malcolm are working on the replicator-
Trip- so, Malcolm what do ya think is wrong with the replicator?
Malcolm- it's broken
Trip- hahaha very funny, but seriously
Malcolm- I was being serious
-Trip reaches his hand through all the wires and gets shocked-
Trip- ow confounded, that hurt
Malcolm- I guess I should've Tripped the breaker
Trip- you mean you didn't turn off the power first!!
Malcolm- that is what I said
Trip- why didn't you? I wouldn't have been shocked
Malcolm- yeah, and it wouldn't have been as fun either so what's your point
Trip- my point is…. I left the hammer on the bridge
Malcolm- the hammer? Why do we need a hammer?
Trip- we don't need one, I need one so I can beat your head in. so will you go get it
Malcolm- why don't you go get it, you are the one that left it
Trip- because I out rank you and hahaha I'm giving you a direct order to go get it
Malcolm- that's not fair pulling rank
-malcolm gets up and starts going, muttering to himself-
Malcolm- bloody Americans
-malcolm gets to the bridge to get the hammer and something happens-
Travis- uh, captain
Archer- what is it travis?
Travis- I think something just flew by the view screen
Archer- archer to all hands battle stations, Malcolm go to tactical alert
Malcolm- actually captain, I came up with a better title than tactical alert, its now red alert
Archer- whatever just do it, Hoshi do you hear anything
Hoshi- yes
Archer- what
Hoshi- you yelling at me
T'Pol- captain scanners show nothing, and Lt. how did you come up with red alert
Malcolm- the colors
T'Pol- that just goes to show you the simplicity of the human mind
Malcolm- at least I have a mind
Archer- that's enough you two
-Trip comes in over the comm.-
Trip- captn' what's going on
Archer- travis thinks he saw something fly by the view screen
Travis- captain there it is again!!
Archer- Malcolm fire phasers
-malcolm fires the phasers but misses-
T'Pol- you missed
Malcolm- what tipped you off
-right then something ran into the view screen. Muffled cries came , and were barely audible
From outside- h…..p…..e
Archer- what did it say Hoshi?
Hoshi- it said help me
-malcolm leaves his station and walks up to the view screen-
Malcolm- is that crewman pye?
-everyone takes a closer look-
Travis- it is crewman pye
T'Pol- so it is
Hoshi- hey look its crewman pye
Archer- get him back in here now
Malcolm- how would you prefer, transporter, harpoon, or tractor beam
Archer- tractor beam, what tractor beam
Malcolm- the tractor beam you told Trip not to install because star fleet said it was to experimental still
Archer- what
Malcolm- oops
Hoshi- he's floating away
T'Pol- so he is
Archer- Malcolm beam him directly to sick bay
Malcolm- we're not that advanced with our transporter captain
Archer- why not? We went back for upgrades
Malcolm- well you opted not to get the site to site transporter because we're supposedly afraid of our transporter, so you said we don't use it in the first place, so why do we need an upgrade on them
T'Pol- impressive Lt. you said all of that in one breath
Malcolm- thanks T'Pol
Archer- shut up and beam him aboard
Malcolm- I'll have to go to the transporter room because
Archer- let me guess, we don't have the remote access for the bridge control upgrade to we?
Malcolm- not quite
Archer- what do you mean, not quite?
Malcolm- we have the bridge control upgrade but Trip hadn't hooked it up yet
Archer- fine, then get to the transporter room now and beam crewman pye aboard
Malcolm- yes sir
Archer- T'Pol go with him and make sure he doesn't mess this up
T'Pol- yes captain
-T'Pol and Lt. Reed get in the turbo lift and to the transporter room-
SCENE 14
-Malcolm and T'Pol reach the transporter room and beam crewman pye on board, and pye stands there shaking-
T'Pol- perhaps we should get him to sick bay
Malcolm- that is why we're here
-malcolm and T'Pol take crewman pye to sick bay. The doors to sickbay open-
Phlox- ah, crewman pye, you're back
Pye- uh sir, ma'am, I think I'm ok
Phlox0 oh don't be ridiculous you were free-flying in open space and had phasers fired at you. You need another check-up
-Dr. phlox pulls out that same thermometer-
Malcolm- that would be our cue to leave
-malcolm and T'Pol go out, the doors close behind them, and they hear unnatural screaming on the other side of the door
SCENE 15
-Archer comes to see crewman pye in sick bay-
Archer- so doctor how is he?
Phlox- aside from taking a joy-ride in space and almost being killed, he's traumatized, but other than that, he's fine. I recommend he sees the ships councilor
Archer- ok, I'll make an appointment right away. You hear that crewman?
Pye-yeah, yeah
Archer- what's that?
Pye- sir, yes, sir
Archer- I have good news, the doctor says you'll be fine
Pye- I'm sure I will be as soon as my butt quits stinging
SCENE 16
-Crewman pye goes to see the councilor-
Pye- are you the councilor?
Councilor- why yes I am. My name is councilor commander Steve, and that's exactly what you can call me
Pye- oh ok, I didn't know we had a councilor on board
C.C. Steve- well, now ya do sonny. So what did you think of that movie?
Pye- what? What movie?
C.C. Steve- Pirates of the Caribbean of course
pye- what does that have to do with why I'm here?
C.C. Steve- absolutely nothing
pye- so why are we talking about it councilor?
C.C. Steve- no no
pye- oh I mean councilor commnader Steve. Why are we talking about a movie
C.C. Steve coz I don't know what you're here for
pye- I'm here because I'm going crazy. The doctor stuck an elephant size thermometer up my butt, twice and Lt. Reed tried to kill me with the phasers
-pye starts tugging at the hair on his head-
C.C. Steve- oh I know what's wrong with you
pye- what!!
C.C. Steve- you'e crazy
pye- I know that councilor commander Steve, but you're supposed to tell me how to fix it
C.C. Steve- why?
Pye- coz that's what councilors do
C.C. Steve- yeah, but that would take to long
pye- you're starting to sound like Lt. Reed
C.C. Steve- that's nice, so what did you think of the movie?
Pye- ahhhhhhh you're driving me crazy!!
C.C. Steve- that's what I'm here for. So what did you think of the movie?
Pye- thts it I'm leaving
-pye storms out of the room-
SCENE 17
-C.C. Steve comes to the bridge to talk to captain Archer-
C.C. Steve- I have evaluated crewman pye
archer- how is he?
C.C. Steve- he's crazy
Hoshi- that poor man every thing seems to happen to him
Malcolm- I think it's funny
T'Pol- of course you would
C.C. Steve- I think it's funny too
archer- it's not funny, and travis, get this ship moving before the chickuawas come back
travis- yes sir
archer- Malcolm, I want you and Trip to finish fixing the replicator and investigate what happened to crewman pye
Malcolm- which you like us to do first
Archer- I don't care just do it
C.C. Steve- can I tag along
Malcolm- I don't care
-malcolm and C.C. Steve leave to tell Trip about their new assignment-
Trip- why do we have to investigate it was an accident that's all
C.C. Steve- it could help clear crewman Pye's mind if he knew what happened
Trip- who's he? (pointing at C.C. Steve)
Malcolm- Councilor Commander Steve, ships councilor
Trip- I didn't know we had one
Malcolm- neither did I
Trip- where should we start?
Malcolm- I don't know
Trip- how about we fix the replicator first then
Malcolm- fine by me
C.C. Steve- what can I do
Trip- you can go get the hammer
C.C. Steve- ok that sounds like fun
Malcolm- is the hammer for me or him?
Trip- whichever one of you I take a notion to hit
Malcolm- oh, ok
Trip- you're actually ok with that
Malcolm- yes, coz I'll look forward to the payback
Trip- oh yeah, I forgot about that
-Trip and Malcolm start working on the replicator when C.C. Steve returns with the hammer
C.C. Steve- ya know I got to thinking on my way to get the hammer why do we need one?
Malcolm- ya don't wanna know
Trip- Malcolm, did you trip the breaker now
Malcolm- yes I did
Trip- good
C.C. Steve- so how did ya'll like the movie
Malcolm- what movie
C.C. Steve- Galaxy Quest
Malcolm- oh I loved that one
-Malcolm and C.C. Steve say at the same time-
Malcolm, and C.C. Steve- by grand thars hammer you shall be avenged
Trip- you've got to be kidding me, hey look at this
Malcolm- what?
Trip- all these wires, there all shorted out
Malcolm- that's coz you got shocked remember
C.C. Steve- what happened to the wires?
Trip- gee I don't know
-Trip takes down more paneling and finds more shorted wires-
Trip- I bet I know what happened
-Trip looked some more-
Trip- yep that's it
Malcolm- what?
Trip- when I got shocked, it caused a power surge and knocked out the antigravity suit right out, that's why Pye was running around in space and it all happened because you didn't trip the breaker
Malcolm- oh, my bad
C.C. Steve- you need counseling
Malcolm- well how was I supposed to know
C.C. Steve- oooh, I'm gonna tell the Captain on you
-C.C. Steve runs off-
Trip- hahahaha Malcolm my friend, you're in trouble now
Malcolm- do ya think he'll really tell
Archer- (comes in over the comm.) Trip, Malcolm, report to my ready room NOW!!
SCENE 18
-When they there, Captain Archer was pacing back and forth, and C.C. Steve was just standing there-
Archer- is what C.C. Steve told me true?
Malcolm- depends
Archer- on what?
Malcolm- on what he told you and whether I choose to confirm or deny it
Archer- he told me that you didn't trip the breaker and that's how crewman Pye ended up gallivanting all over space
Malcolm- oh, well, then, yeah that's true
Archer- why did you do that
Malcolm- because I'm immature and thought it would be funny hahahaha and actually it was
-Archer gives Malcolm the captain's eye-
Malcolm- no it wasn't, it wasn't funny at all
Trip- suck up
Malcolm- shut up
Archer- and Trip why didn't you check before reaching your hand in there? Malcolm I can understand, but you a senior officer
Malcolm- ooh he told you
Archer- Malcolm shut up, C.C. Steve has agreed to give you both counseling
Malcolm- oh do we have to
Archer- yes, now I want you both to go to your quarters for the rest of the day and think about what you've done
Malcolm- is that all
Trip- shut up Malcolm
Archer- both of you shut up, and yes that's all, for today
-Trip and Malcolm leave to go to their quarters, and C.C. Steve was still just standing there-
Archer- thank you C.C. Steve, you're dismissed
-C.C. Steve to go watch a movie-
SCENE 19
-Archer is left alone in his ready room. He starts pacing around the room. He stops and looks in the full length mirror hanging on his ready room door-
Archer- why me? What did I do to deserve this?
Archer's reflection (A.R.)- because you just had to be the most disrespected captain in the fleet
Archer- so why did I have to get this crew
A.R.- hey, why ya asking me, YOU picked them remember?
Archer- oh yeah. I keep forgetting about that. Then why did I have to make such bad crew choices
A.R.- because you're the worst captain in Star Fleet
Archer- am I really?
A.R- yep. After all you are talking to your refection
Archer- so you're talking back. Wait a minute, I'm getting as bad as the rest of them
A.R- maybe you need to go see the councilor
Archer- I think you're right….. what am I saying
-Archer comes to the realization that he must be going crazy
SCENE 20
-Malcolm is in his quarters doing everything but what the captain told him to do, so he calls Trip on their personal comm. Unit-
Trip- hell
Malcolm- hey it's me, do ya think anyone can hear us
Trip- no we're the only two people on board this ship who have this frequency
Malcolm- oh yeah, hey anyway I'm board
Trip- me too
Malcolm- do you want to play
Trip- hook it up
-Malcolm gets some cords and plugs them in and he and Trip begin playing Halo on the Holobox, and then Archer comes in over the comm.-
Archer- Trip, Malcolm, report to the conference room immediately
Malcolm- but I thought we were supposed to stay in our quarters for the rest of the day
Archer- yeah, well, I changed my mind, and that's the captain's prerogative
Malcolm- ok, we'll be right there
SCENE 21
-Trip and Malcolm walk into the conference room and find the entire senior staff and crewman Pye sitting in a circle with Councilor Commander Steve in the middle-
C.C. Steve- oh so glad you could join us Commander, Lt. Captain Archer thought it would be a good idea for all of us to talk about our problems
Trip- you mean like an AA meeting?
T'Pol- No kind of like group therapy, thought I prefer the Vulcan way of reliving stress
Malcolm- you prefer the Vulcan way for everything
Hoshi- that's because she IS Vulcan, duh!!
Malcolm- Hoshi, you took off your fake chest. Why?
Hoshi- it got too heavy, I don't know how T'Pol does it
Malcolm- she does it very well
T'Pol- let's not get into that again, please Lt.
Malcolm- I wasn't
C.C. Steve- alright now let's get started. Who would like to go first? Any volunteers? Well, what did you think of the movie?
-everyone rolls their eyes, and Pye chips in-
Pye- I'll go first. I've had a lot of problems in the recent past
C.C. Steve- go ahead crewman Pye, let it all out
Pye- I'm trying to but you interrupted me
C.C. Steve- just trying to do my job
Pye- anyway, it all started when Commander Tucker poked me in the eye because I accidently plugged the warp core into the wrong outlet and when I got to sick bay, the doctor violated me. Then I was out fixing the break pads and some sort of electrical surge occurs and I go flying and worse Lt Reed firs the phasers at me and almost hits me
Malcolm- almost doesn't count
Pye- ya know what?
Malcolm- what?
Pye- that was is
Malcolm- oh must be an American thing
Pye- actually it's a southern thing
Malcolm- oh ok
Pye- then I'm brought back on board and the doctor violates me again. My butt still hurts from that
Malcolm- oh boo hoo
C.C. Steve- Lt. Reed would you like to go next?
Malcolm- not really, but I guess I will. I don't have a problem with anyone. I may give people a hard time, but so what. It's all in fun
C.C. Steve- maybe Lt that's the problem. Maybe not everyone's having fun
Malcolm- I don't care, besides I mainly torment the lower ranks, and I can always order them to have fun. The only higher ranking officer I torment is Commander Tucker
T'Pol- that's not entirely accurate Lt
Malcolm- you don't count
T'Pol- and why is that
Malcolm- coz you suppress your emotions
T'Pol- I see your point
Malcolm- good, I'm glad
T'Pol- to my surprise, it's a logical one
Malcolm- see, you don't have to be Vulcan to be logical
T'Pol- when you are involved I'm not so sure
Malcolm- now look who's poking fun
T'Pol- oh the contrary, I am Vulcan, therefore, I do not 'poke fun' as you call it. When I speak I am serious
Malcolm- that must be why you state the obvious
C.C. Steve- now you two, we can say what's on our minds without arguing
Malcolm- no ones arguing
C.C. Steve- you just were
Malcolm- no I was talking to T'Pol
C.C. Steve- no you were arguing with T'Pol
Malcolm- no I wasn't
C.C. Steve- yes, you were
Malcolm- no I wasn't
C.C. Steve- yes you were
Malcolm- no I wasn't, now you're arguing with me
C.C. Steve- no I'm not
Malcolm- yes you are
C.C. Steve- no I'm not
Archer- that's enough. Now I don't want to hear another word out of either of you unless its on topic
Malcolm- (says under his breath) yes you are
Archer- I heard that Lt.
Malcolm- it was on topic
Archer- how?
Malcolm- coz we were arguing and no one changed the subject
Archer- why me, let's just move on
C.C. Steve- certainly captain, who would like to go next
Malcolm- I wasn't done
C.C. Steve- ok, Lt. please finish
Malcolm- yes you were, and I'm right, you're wrong and that's the end of it. Now I'm done
-Archer makes a growl sound-
C.C. Steve- would you like to go next Captain?
Archer- no
C.C. Steve- I think you do
Archer- I think I don't
-everyone in the room starts trying to encourage Archer to speak-
Archer- ok, fine. I hate this ship, I hate this crew, I hate this deep space assignment, I hate being the most disrespected captain in Star Fleet. My hair is thinning, I talk to my refection, I'm going crazy, I hate my life, and worse of all I think I'm becoming my crew!!
-Archer stands there taking deep breaths-
C.C. Steve- that was good
Malcolm- feels better to let it all out doesn't it
C.C. Steve- ah, I think we can end this session for today
Trip- I think everyone should go back to doing what they were doing before the session
Archer- yes, everyone back to what you were doing, except Commander Tucker and Lt. Reed. I want you two to fix the replicators
Trip- uh sir, we were fixing the power surge
Archer- well finish doing that and then fix the replicators
Trip- aye captain
Malcolm- ok
-everyone leaves and resumes their activities. Trip and Malcolm go back to the spot where they found the power surge. Councilor Commander Steve is hot on their heels-
SCENE 22
-Archer is left in the conference room all alone-
Archer- what could possibly go wrong now
-Archer is standing in front of the window and his reflection re-appears-
A.R- do we really need to go over this again
Archer- no I guess not
A.R- good, now go do some work or something and stop feeling sorry for yourself
SCENE 23
-Archer leaves the conference room and takes his seat on the bridge-
Archer- alright let's get the repairs finished so we can focus on the chickuawas
Travis- yes sir Captain, where would you like to go
Archer- turn us about and go to the left, no right, no left, then go warp 2.75
Travis- you got it
-the ship turns around, then goes left then right, then left again-
Archer- Travis why did you do that?
Travis- do what Sir, I was just following your orders
Archer- ooooh, never mind
Travis- sorry Sir, but you said left then right then left again, I thought it was kinda weird but I wasn't going to question it
Archer- I said left NO right, NO left, NO!! I said NO as in I changed my mind!!
Travis- oh, I'm sorry Sir, I didn't realize
Archer- apology accepted, just get us going right
Travis- right it is Sir
Archer- no right as in the correct direction which in this case the right direction is left
Travis- oh
Archer- oh just turn us about and go left
Travis- yes Captain, we are ready
Archer- wait did you turn us about again?
Travis- what do you mean Captain?
Archer- you did, I recognize that star
T'Pol- Captain, that is impossible. All stars virtually look the same. It would be illogical to state that you can tell one from another
Archer- Vulcans and their logic. Just shut up T'Pol
T'Pol- I was just correcting you captain
Archer- I'm the captain, you're not supposed to correct me. Now Travis, turn us about and go left at warp 2.75
Travis- Aye Captain
-the ship whips the turn about and goes left at an ungodly speed-
Archer- Travis, what happened
Travis- nothing unexpected Sir, just following your orders again. You said turn about and go left at warp 2.75
Archer- I didn't mean do it at warp 2.75, I meant go warp 2.75 after you turned left!!
Travis- oh, I'm sorry, are you mad at me
Archer- yes, I'm mad at everyone
Hoshi- if you'd learn to give clearer orders things like this wouldn't keep happening
-Archer glares over at Hoshi, who has green gunk on her face-
Archer- Hoshi, what is that on your face
Hoshi- it's my mask
Archer- you're not pretending to be batman again are you
Hoshi- no, I'm going to do that later maybe. But right now I'm giving myself a facial
Archer- couldn't you do that when you're off duty
Hoshi- yeah, but I thought it would be more fun to do it now, coz people might think I'm an alien
Archer- whatever, just don't drip it on the console
Hoshi- oh don't worry it wont stain
Archer- how do you know?
Hoshi- um, it says so on the box
T'Pol- plus I saw her wipe it off the console with not stain left behind
Hoshi- T'Pol, you weren't supposed to say anything
T'Pol- why is that?
Hoshi- coz I gave you the be quiet signal
Archer- ok, ok, let's just forget all of it ok. Now…..
-a scream is heard from the comm. Station-
Archer- Hoshi!!
Hoshi- AAAHHHH, AAAAHHHH, AAAAHHHH
Archer- Hoshi, what is it
-everyone is standing around Hoshi, who is convulsing on the floor-
Archer- Archer to Phlox, medical emergency on the bridge
Phlox, what is it captain?
Archer- Hoshi, something happened to Hoshi
Phlox- alright I will be up there directly
Archer- alright but please hurry
Phlox- I'll be on my way as soon as I can
-25 minutes later Phlox walks onto the bridge with his medical bag. He walks over to Hoshi who is now sitting in a corner covering her face crying-
Phlox- what happened to her?
Archer- I don't know. All I know is that one minute she was talking and the next she was screaming
Phlox- did something explode?
Archer- not that I'm aware of
Phlox- did anyone see what happened?
Archer- no
Travis- no
T'Pol- I did not witness the event but Hoshi is still conscience so logic dictates that you could simply ask her what happened
Phlox- alright it's worth a try. Hoshi, what happened?
Hoshi- um (continues crying)
-Hoshi signals for the doctor to come closer to her. Phlox does as she says and she whispers something in his ear-
Phlox- ah I see
-Phlox rocks Hoshi back and blows in her face-
Phlox- there is that better?
Hoshi- (still crying) yes
Archer- well doctor is she ok
Phlox- yes, she, some of her facial mask dripped in her eyes
Archer- and I thought it was an emergency
Hoshi- it was
Archer- how?
Hoshi- you must never have got that stuff in your eyes before. It burns I could have gone blind or worse lost eyes. I would have been eyeless
Phlox- not exactly Hoshi, you would simply have had a burning sensation that would have lasted for a few hours
Hoshi- that's it?
Phlox- yes
Archer- then why was she convulsing on the floor
Phlox- maybe she was experiencing shock
Archer- maybe?
Phlox- that is the best explanation I can come up with captain
Hoshi- are you sure I wouldn't have been eyeless?
Phlox- quite sure
-Hoshi gets a disappointed pouting look on her face-
Archer- Hoshi, what's wrong?
Archer- I was hoping for something more
Archer- hoping, you planned this
Hoshi- no but when it dripped in my eyes I thought I would go blind or be eyeless, and I thought it would be kinda cool
Archer- what
T'Pol- that is completely illogical, and a pathetic human emotion
Hoshi- at least I have emotions
T'Pol- how many times must I say I have emotions, I just suppress them
Archer- oh whatever, Phlox is Hoshi ok enough to go back to work?
Phlox- yes I don't see why not
Archer- good, Hoshi, start listening on all comm. frequencies for any signs of the chickuawas. T'Pol start scanning
SCENE 24
Trip- Malcolm, how's it coming?
Malcolm- almost there, got it!! The power surge is fixed
Trip- I just hope this time on one is free-flying in space
Malcolm- I highly doubt that, no one was outside, and besides I really turned off the breaker
Trip- good, its move onto the replicators
-Trip and Malcolm walk over to the replicator mainframe-
Trip- alright let's get started, wait did you turn off the breaker?
Malcolm- oh right, wouldn't want to repeat last time now would we?
-malcolm turns off the breaker and prepares to test it-
Malcolm- alright, now for a little test, Pepsi with ice
-nothing happens-
Malcolm- well it must have worked
-Trip and Malcolm take the mainframe apart and have parts all over the floor when Hoshi walks up to the replicator-
Hoshi- New York style cheesecake
-the cheesecake appears on a plate with a fork-
Trip- how did you do that? Malcolm, I thought you took the replicators offline
Malcolm- I did. I don't understand
Trip- Hoshi, how did you get the replicator to work, it's offline
Malcolm- and besides that we have its parts all over the floor
Hoshi- what do you mean?
Trip- never mind, what are you doing down here anyway. Aren't you on duty?
Hoshi- yeah, I told the captain that I had to go to the bathroom, but really I wanted cheesecake. You're not going to tell on me are you?
Trip- we have to tell the captain
Hoshi- why, what have I ever done to you?
Malcolm- Hoshi, it's not you, but this whole thing is kinda weird. I mean the replicator is offline, I turned off the breaker and we have parts all over the floor,
we've taken it apart. In short it's not working. Then you come and order cheesecake and it gives it to you
-Hoshi goes back to the bridge after eating her cheesecake-
Trip- let's get this fixed and report it to the captain
-Trip and Malcolm get the replicator fixed and the corridor cleaned up and go to the bridge-
Trip- Captain, can we speak with you?
Archer- alright in my ready room
-All three of them enter Captain Archer's ready room-
Archer- I hope you have a report on the power surge and the replicators
Trip- we do
Malcolm- the power surge is fixed and so are the replicators
Archer- why do I feel like there's a but to this
Malcolm- but, while the replicators were offline and when I say offline, I mean we had taken the mainframe apart. We had pieces on the floor
Archer- get on with the but Lt.
Malcolm- Hoshi, came by and ordered cheesecake and it replicated cheesecake
Archer- what do you mean
Malcolm- I don't…………..
Trip- well it could have been
Archer- Hoshi lied, she said she was going to the bathroom and instead she ordered cheesecake
Malcolm- captain
Trip- uh, I think you're missing the point sir
-Archer has this look of betrayal on his face-
Malcolm- sir, you look as if your dog just died
Archer- I can't believe she would lie to me
Trip- Sir, with all due respect that is not the biggest problem
Archer- oh, I guess you're right, the chickuawas
-Archer jumps up and runs back onto the bridge-
Trip- well what do we do now?
Malcolm- I say we just write the whole thing off as weird and move on
Trip- agreed
-Trip and Malcolm nod to each other and shake hands and leave the room to take their respective posts-
SCENE 25
Archer- anything on comm.?
Hoshi- nothing
Archer- are you sure, maybe some of that cheesecake got in your ears
Hoshi- uh, I told them not to tell you
Archer- I can't believe you lied to me Hoshi
Hoshi- well believe it, coz I did
Archer- I guess I have to. From now until I say other wise, you Hoshi, will be escorted to the bathroom or anywhere else you need to leave your post for
Hoshi- no I wont
Archer- yes you will
Hoshi- no I wont and that's final
Archer- what!! Yes you will
Hoshi- no I wont
Archer- yes you will
Hoshi- fine yes I will
Archer- no you wont and that's an order
Hoshi- if you say so sir
-Archer realizing what just happened screamed like a girl and ran into his ready room-
Archer- why does this happen to me. Why
Over the comm.- captain to the bridge
-Archer walks back onto the bridge and looks around-
Archer- who called me out here?
Malcolm- oh that was me, I was seeing if you'd come
Archer- Malcolm, that didn't sound like you
Malcolm- I know, I was trying out the American accent, seeing how I sounded. Well what do you think?
Archer- I think I'm going crazy
Hoshi- Captain, I hear something
Archer- what is it
Hoshi- I think it's the chickuawas
Archer- is it them?
T'Pol- yes
Archer- all hands, battle stations. I've always wanted to say that
T'Pol- Captain, we're being hailed
Archer- open a channel
T'Pol- channel open
Archer- I can see that T'Pol, Ed is on the view screen. So we meet…..
Ed- lower your weapons and prepare to be boarded
Archer- stop interrupting me
Ed- sorry please finish
Archer-thank you. So we meet again, there that's all I was going to say
Ed- ok I want interrupt anymore. Back to business. Lower your weapons and prepare to be boarded
Archer- never!!
Ed- don't be foolish. I will eggsoust all my weapons on you
-Malcolm breaks out laughing-
Malcolm- egguse me. We out gun you. In fact we could crack your shell with our phasers set on low. Hahahahaha crack your shell hahahahaha
Ed- fire
-the enterprise gets egged again
Ed- consider that a warning
Malcolm- it didn't do anything to us. So where are your re-enforcements?
Ed- we couldn't find any, so we decided to destroy your ship and take all of you as our prisoners
-Malcolm starts laughing again-
Malcolm- please, how eggactly do you plan to do that
Ed- we will take you by force, as soon as we can get aboard your ship
Malcolm- then what egg us in person
Ed- something like that. You will fear us
Malcolm- please, T'Pol's boobs are bigger than you
Archer- can I speak now
Ed- go ahead
Archer- you're not taking this ship, the crew on the other hand, but not the ship.
Ed- we will take what we want
Archer- Malcolm, target their yoke
Malcolm- got it
-a torpedo launched from the enterprise and hit the chickuawas yoke core-
Archer- Lt. I said target not fire
Malcolm- same thing
Archer- are they ok
T'Pol- there ship is damaged but still intact
-Ed comes back on the view screen-
Ed- that was mean. We accept your surrender
Malcolm- I just about blew up your ship. We're not surrendering
Ed- oh right we shell surrender instead
-the chickuawas ship turns around and sputters off-
Archer- well we won, power down weapons
T'Pol- that was an interesting battle
Hoshi- sure was
Archer- ok, Travis, let me say this so you can understand. Take us back to the right, resume our previous course and then go warp 3
Travis- when you say our previous course you mean before we turned around or after?
Archer- after
Travis- and you want to go right at warp 3
Archer- why are you repeating me?
Travis- sorry sir, I just want to be absolutely clear what I'm supposed to do
Archer- oh just go right then set the resume course at warp 3 can you do that?
Travis- yes sir
-Travis did it again. Turned right and ht the resume course button all at warp 3-
-everyone carries on with their daily routine when they see Earth-
Archer- Travis what are we doing at Earth?
Travis- you said hit resume course. Earth is always the course on resume course
T'Pol- Captain, Star Fleet Headquarters is hailing us
Archer- hello
SFHQ- what are you doing back
Archer- my pilot made a mistake on the course
SFHQ- I should say so
Archer- well while we're here we might as well come down for a visit
SFHQ- NO!! we have another deep space assignment for you and your crew. Transmitting orders. Have fun
-the channel was closed and Archer told Travis to lay in a new course for the new orders. Meanwhile, Trip had come to the bridge-
Trip- so what's going on
Malcolm- nothing that concerns you
T'Pol- hardly, Commander Tucker is the chief engineer, all of our missions concerns him
Malcolm- it was a joke
-Phlox entered the bridge-
Phlox- I just wanted to make sure I wasn't going crazy
-now C.C. Steve comes onto the bridge-
C.C. Steve I wanted to see if anyone was up for another counseling session
Everyone- NO!!
Hoshi- guess we have a new mission yay!! Now I can be batman again
T'Pol- t guess now I can do more what do you call it Lt. Reed, stating the obvious
Malcolm- you finally admit it
Archer- shut up
Travis- what direction would you like to go
Archer- follow the orders
Travis- right. They probably came in at T'Pol's station then she transmitted them to Hoshi who transmitted them to me
-Travis gets up and follows the orders-
Archer- ooh I can't deal with this
-crewman Pye enters the bridge in time to hear Archer's last comment-
Pye- at least you didn't free-fly in space with phasers shooting at you and get violated by the doctor twice
Archer- whatever. I wanna go home, I want my mommy
Phlox- I think the Captain is having a nervous break down
Archer- why me
-Archer then runs into a wall, and everyone laughs at him-
Malcolm- well, let's see what kind of miss jiff we can get ourselves into now