A/N : Nick and Lindsay should have stayed together, or at least got back together some time after their break up - I'm convinced they would've done if Freaks and Geeks had continued! But hey, thats doesn't stop us writing fanfic about the pair!

Disclaimer: All recognisable characters and any lines borrowed from the Freaks & Geeks episode "Chokin' and Tokin'" belong to Paul Feig, Judd Apatow, and all the other writers/makers of Freaks and Geeks - none of which are me!

This Is How It Goes

- alternative version of scenes from "Chokin' and Tokin'"

Millie thought she could deal. She wasn't stupid, far from it, in fact she was one of the smartest sophomores at McKinley and a well-respected Mathlete. Unfortunately, her knowledge database was running on low when it came to marijuana. Sure, she had attended that Seals & Croft concert last Summer, and she'd read the pamphlet that the school had forced upon all it's pupils. Still, none of this really prepared her for dealing with the current situation at hand.

Lindsay had been Millie's best friend since they were five, up until a few months ago when she started hanging out with the burn-out crowd. Though she'd never seen her friend actually smoking pot, she'd often wondered if she would really hang out with those people if she wasn't either partaking or wishing she had the nerve to.

Now here was Lindsay, high as a kite, and unable to babysit by herself, in fact she seemed hardly able to control her own body or mind. At first, it hadn't been too bad. Millie thought she'd coped quite well, looking after the little boy in their charge as well as keeping Lindsay calm and all.

It was starting to get a little more complicated now. Heaven only knew what Lindsay had been doing in the Johnsons' bedroom, but it didn't seem she'd been sleeping. She was way paranoid and jittery, apparently even afraid of the paintings hanging on the wall. With a small child running around yelling, things were only going to get worse, and Millie, if she was honest, was a little afraid of what might come next.

Still, she knew she had to do something to help her friend out. She couldn't let her go anywhere by herself, not even home, and trying to take care of what amounted to two unruly children right now was proving awkward for poor Millie.

"Lindsay, you should go through to the living room and lie down" she urged her, "I'll put Tommy to bed and then I'll be right there, okay?" she said, manoeuvring the girl in the army jacket through the door and closing it behind her.

Millie looked heavenward as she thought about what she was doing. God always guided her, she knew that, and she trusted him to do so again now as she hurried to find Tommy, and get him to bed.

A few minutes later as she left the little boy's room and turned out the light, she headed back towards the living room. She stopped just short of entering when she noticed the door to the Johnsons' bedroom was still half open and Lindsay's bag was lying abandoned and partially open on the floor. As she moved to retrieve said bag, a small book fell out, landing open and face down on the floor.

Millie stooped to pick up the fallen item and was about to put it straight back into her friends bag when she realised what the book was and what page it was open on.

"Thank you, Lord" she whispered to herself as she hurried over to the phone, Lindsay's address book in her hand, and dialled the number on the open page.

"What is that?!" Lindsay gasped, sitting upright on the couch and looking totally panicked, "Oh my God, Millie! What was that?!" she asked her friend who came over to her side and encouraged her to lie down again.

"Lindsay, it's okay, really" she assured her, "It's just somebody... a friend, at the door" she said with an awkward smile.

As the brunette nodded and allowed herself to be pushed back down onto the couch, Millie took a breath and headed for the door. She thought she must be crazy for what she was about to do, but she hoped everything would turn out well. She felt that God had given her a sign, and she had gone with it. Things could only turn out well... hopefully!

"Oh, hey, er, Millie" Nick smiled, as she opened the front door.

"Hello, Nick" she greeted him politely as she opened the door wider and let him inside, "I'm sys got so relaxed and even happier when he was high, he'd forgotten the adverse effects that sometimes came with it, especially if you weren't used to it.

"Lindsay, I'm so sorry" he told her honestly as she held her scrambled head in her hands, leaning forward again on her knees so her hair fell everywhere.

"I'm so sorry too" she admitted, her voice muffled, "I just wanted to know, y'know?" she said, suddenly looking up sharply and almost clocking Nick in the chin with her forehead as she got up close to him, "I wanted to know what happens, in here" she said, putting her hand to his head now, fingers crawling through his hair, "You need this stuff to be you, and I wanted to know, if I needed it to be me, a different me, that would understand you" she tried to explain, as Nick just fought to concentrate on anything she was saying as her touch confused him even more than getting high would've done.

"Lindsay" Millie said as she came back into the room, making the pair on the couch jump violently.

"Millie!" Lindsay yelled too loudly as she greeted her friend.

"Ssh!" the other girl said immediately as she came over to her, "You have to stay quiet, okay? Tommy is sleeping in the next room"

Lindsay nodded that she understood and copied the 'ssh' sign Millie was using. She flopped back against the cushions once again, as Nick ran his hand through his hair where Lindsay had messed it up and Millie looked upon him with a dubious eye.

"Millie?" her friend said suddenly, but thankfully quietly, "I'm thirsty, can I have a glass of water?" she asked, like a child might, and with a nod Millie headed off to the kitchen to fulfil her friends request, "I really don't like this place" Lindsay shook her head, pulling the blanket up under her chin like it would save her from something as yet unknown, "It's freaking me out!"

"Hey, it's okay, Lindsay" Nick assured her, "'Cause y'know I'm here, and er, Milie's here, so nothing bad is gonna happen, right?"

"I don't know" she shifted awkwardly, eyes flitting around all over the place, "Maybe I'll just go outside and lie down for a while..." she said, going to get up, but Nick urged her not to.

"C'mon, Lindsay" he said, looking her in the eye, "You don't wanna go out there in the dark, do you?" he checked, knowing he was probably not helping really as she would freak out even more but also very aware that it'd be far easier to keep her indoors than chase her around outside.

She groaned as she laid back on the couch, clinging onto her blanket as if her life depended on it.

"How long does this last?" she asked, and Nick reached out a hand to push her hair off her face.

"It'll be okay" he promised her, knowing he couldn't really give her an answer, it was very much dependant on how much she'd smoked and how well her body dealt with it, "I'll go see where Millie got to with your water" he offered, getting up from the couch and hurrying away.

Honestly, being this close to Lindsay, alone and all, it really wasn't easy. He loved her so much, and here she was needing him, wanting to almost literally cling to him. It was difficult knowing that later she would feel so differently, that she might not even remember the things she was saying or doing.

"I know, Mom, but Lindsay could use my help" Millie was saying into the phone as Nick came through to the kitchen, "Of course she can baby-sit alone but I… yeah, okay" she sighed eventually, as Nicky shifted awkwardly beside her, "I'll be right home"

"Lindsay was getting desperate for water" Nick told her, "I guess you were busy" he gestured to the phone.

"That was my Mom" Millie explained, "I have to go, but I don't want to"

"Y'know, I can take care of Lindsay" he assured her with a nod, as he reached for the glass of water on the counter.

"I know" the girl nodded, "but the child…"

"Hey, I looked after my nieces and nephews before" he told her, "It's not that hard, there's only one of him, and he should be asleep, right?"

"Right" Millie nodded once, "Then I guess I'm just going to have to trust you" she said, still looking at him like she really didn't at all, "You're not stoned too, are you?" she checked, though she didn't think so really.

"No" Nick promised her, "Scouts honour" he saluted appropriately with his usual dopey grin, and even Millie found a smile for him then.

"Okay" she said, getting her bag and going back through to the living room with Nick on her heels, "Lindsay, I have to go" Millie told her friend, who was staring rather too intently at the sleeping dog in the chair, "but Nick will take care of you, okay?"

"Uh-huh" her friend said absently, hardly paying attention at all as Millie finally left and Nick re-joined his ex girlfriend on the couch, handing her the glass of water he'd fetched.

"How do you do this?" Lindsay asked between sips of water, staring intently at him now over the rim of the glass.

"How do I do what?" Nick asked, not getting it, honestly a little distracted by the way she was looking at him - as weird as it sounded even in his own head, she really was beautiful, even in this state.

"Live" she said simply, leaning forward to put her glass on the table and then quickly huddling herself up on the couch, trying to get the blanket to cover her, "Going to class, dealing with your parents, everything. How do you do it, if it feels like this?" she checked, grateful when he noticed her struggling and put his arm around her to help cover her with the blanket.

That particular manoeuvre resulted in Lindsay leaning back and trapping Nick's arm around her shoulders as she snuggled up to him. It was obviously the effects of the dope making her want to be so close to him, and Nick knew that, but he was going to enjoy the moment whilst he had the chance.

"I don't know" he sighed, giving her question serious thought and coming up empty when it came to answering, "I'm just used to it, I guess" he considered, his chin resting on the top of her head as she leaned on him more, "It's not always this bad"

"Do you do it because you're unhappy?" she asked sleepily and that was another question that Nick found required more thought than he had the capacity for right now, especially with the girl of his dreams all curled up next to him like this.

"I guess, maybe, that's one reason" he said after a while, "Sometimes when everything gets on top of me like school and my parents and... stuff" he said cryptically, ever mindful of not upsetting her, "Its just like a release, y'know? Like, an escape"

"Uh-huh" Lindsay nodded against his chest, "Sometimes I'd like to escape, like into a dream or something" she said softly, "Sometimes this feels like it is all I dream, and I get scared that if I wake up everything will be even harder, or different, or... or that somebody else is dreaming my life and when they wake up, I won't even be here!" she said, voice rising in volume and tone in intensity as she suddenly brought her head up fast, clocking Nick in the face as she did so.

Trying to ignore the fact that it felt like his jaw was broken, Nick focused on keeping Lindsay on the couch with him when she tried to get up and run, and keeping her quiet when she started yelling.

"Hey, hey, its okay, Lindz, come on" he urged her, pulling her back onto the seat beside him and putting his hands to her face to make her look at him, "Nobody's having a dream, okay?" he promised her, "And nothing bad is going to happen here, I promise" he swore to her, and though tears were in her eyes and fear etched on her features, it all soon subsided and she was calm again, if not a little lost.

"Oh, Nick" she said, pushing herself into his arms then and holding onto him like he was the only rock in a big lonely sea that wanted to drown her, "Please don't let me go, don't let me go" she repeated over and over as he held her close, knowing he would never want to let up his grip on her, wishing that in a normal, sober, non-high state she would say something like that to him.

"I'm here, Lindsay, and I'm not going anywhere" he said as he rubbed her back, and she finally calmed down again, the two of them eventually both relaxing back against the couch cushions as they'd been before.

Nick wasn't sure which was the lesser evil as he sat here holding Lindsay in his arms. Would it be worse to have never have come here, to never be the one that Lindsay turned to or leaned on in a crisis, to never have heard her say these things to him, or would the larger tragedy come after this when he had to walk away and leave, and face her again in the morning when she might not remember anything that had been said and done, or at the very least end up regretting everything? That was when she delivered the final blow.

"I love you, Nick" she whispered in the silent room, her soft spoken words the only sound to be heard above the slight ticking of the clock on the mantle.

"I love you too, Lindsay" he answered with a brief smile as he kissed the top of her head, "I just wish that when all this over you'd still feel that way" he added with a sadness to his tone that he wished he didn't feel.

When Lindsay moved to look up into his eyes, she looked as innocent as the day is long, inspite of what she'd done today.

"I think I will" she smiled, "It was true before I was high, it'll be true again after" she said sleepily as she settled back against his chest and let sleep overtake her.

Nick couldn't do anything then but smile as he held on so tight to this girl, and even tighter still to the glimmer of hope she'd sparked in his heart with her words.

- The End -