Edit: Did some edits to make it less bad. Again, check out Sweeney Todd in 17 Minutes by Da Pheonix 13!
SCENE ONE: THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE LONDON
ANTHONY: (breathes deeply) Isn't London just so wonderful and happy?
SWEENEY: No, it really isn't.
ANTHONY: It's just full of sunshine and joy!
SWEENEY: (glares at Anthony) I hate you.
ANTHONY: (oblivious and dreamy) Yeah…
(Both get off the boat)
SWEENEY: I hate life.
ANTHONY: (gasps) Why? Life is so happy and great!
SWEENEY: Well…(music starts)
ANTHONY: Yeah! (claps) Song time!
SWEENEY: There was a barber and his wife, and she was beautiful…
ANTHONY: Well, that sure is interesting. I'm sure it isn't about you at all.
SWEENEY: You're really stupid for a sailor, aren't you?
ANTHONY: The word is "naïve," sir.
SWEENEY: Okay, well, I'm going back to my spooky home on Fleet Street.
ANTHONY: Oooh! Can I come and visit you sometime?
SWEENEY: Uh, no.
ANTHONY: (sing-songy) I'll bring muffins!
SWEENEY: (ponders) Okay. Fine.
ANTHONY: Yeah!! Until then, Mr. Todd!
(Anthony holds out hand for him to shake; Sweeney ignores it and stalks off.)
SWEENEY: There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and it's full of people who are filled with. . .with. . .wait. What was it? Spit, skit, mitt, kit. . .eh. Never mind.
SCENE TWO: THE WORST PIES IN LONDON
THE PIE SHOP
(Sweeney walks into Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies)
SWEENEY: Uh, hi. . .
LOVETT: Ooh! A customer. . .with monies!
(Lovett sings The Worst Pies in London)
SWEENEY: Actually, I came here to. . .
LOVETT: (Cuts him off) No matter. Hey! Why don't I invite a creepy, emo-looking stranger into my house for a drink! That pretty much contradicts everything my mother has taught me since birth.
SWEENEY: Why were you talking to yourself just now?
LOVETT: Don't worry, love. I do that ALL the time. you got a problem with that? (shakes rolling pin in Sweeney's face.)
SWEENEY: Of course not! (slightly scared) Hehe.
LOVETT: Good. Now how about that drink, eh?
SWEENEY: But, why is the rum gone?
LOVETT: Excuse me?
SWEENEY: What?
LOVETT: What?
SWEENEY: Whot?
LOVETT: Whot?
SWEENEY: Well, that was strange. Anywho, what about that room upstairs?
LOVETT: That old thing? (voice lowers all spooky-like) It's haunted.
SWEENEY: Don't be ridiculous. No one has died in there. . . yet! Muahahahaha!
LOVETT: Something happened up there. Something not very nice. . .
SWEENEY: Gah, not another flash back.
SCENE THREE: POOR THING
LOVETT: There was a barber and his wife, and he was beautiful.
SWEENEY: Why, thank you!
LOVETT: A proper artist with a knife, and he was beautiful!Benjamin Parker, his name was.
SWEENEY: It's BARKER. With a B.
LOVETT: What?
SWEENEY: Nothing. . .so, what was his crime?
LOVETT: Psh, being stupid. He had this wife, you see. Pretty little thing, silly little nit, Had her chance for the moon on a string, poor thing, poor thing.(rest of song)
SCENE FOUR: MY ARM IS COMPLETE AGAIN
SWEENEY: NOOOOOOOO!
LOVETT: I knew it! I knew it was you! Benjamin Barker!
SWEENEY: No. Not Benjamin Barker. That name isn't nearly spooky enough for the title of the Demon Barber of Fleet Street. It's Todd now. Sweeney T-
LOVETT: Wait, Sweeney? That's the best you could come up with?
SWEENEY: Well, I like it. . .anyway, where is Lucy, my wife, who is so much better than you!
LOVETT: (shifty eyes) Got really famous, she did. Toured the world. But it was all too much for her. . . and she killed herself. (shifty eyes)
SWEENEY: Well, that stinks. Wait. You're not lying, are you?
LOVETT: Wait! I have a surprise for you!
SWEENEY: Ooh, is it muffins?!
LOVETT: Uh, no. . .
SWEENEY: Darn.
LOVETT: Follow me!
(Lovett runs off screen)
SWEENEY: Okay. . .
(Sweeney slowly scoots off screen.)
(In the barber shop.)
SWEENEY: Ooh! My old dwelling place! (Runs over to crib) This is where Johanna. . .wait. What happened to my daughter?
LOVETT: Turpin has her. Preparing her to be the next teen pop sensation.
TODD: Oh, crud.
LOVETT: Yup, but look what I has! (Holds out box of razors)
TODD: Ma homies! (grabs and starts stroking the box) I missed you, Jeremy! I misseded you!
LOVETT: What about me? You missed me too, right?
(Todd growls)
LOVETT: (sticks up nose) Fine then! (Storms downstairs)
SWEENEY: (glances behind) About time she left. (Stands up) At last! My arm is complete again.
SCENE FIVE: JOHANNA MONTANA
ANTHONY: (Wandering through town w/ upside down map) I have a horrible sense of direction for a sailor. . .(continues wandering about, not looking up from his map and runs into a bunch of people.)
JOHANNA: (Stares out window) Boy, that sailor is stupid. . . But, I guess,. . . Everybody makes mistakes. . . everybody has those days. . .(Sings the rest of Nobody's Perfect.)
ANTHONY: Hark! A beautiful girl who can sing! (Sigh dreamily.) I will pursue this girl until I die! (Goes up to random beggar.) Randomly placed and of no importance beggr woman! Tell me who the girl in the window is! I need to sing her name loudly and off-key all around London!
BEGGAR: Ah, that's Johanna Montana. Turpin's adopted daughter. He's training her to be the next teen-pop sensation, he is.
ANTHONY: (Throws woman to side with loud crash.) Johanna! I feel you, Johanna, I feel you. I was half-convinced I'd waken, satisfied enough to dream you. Happily I was mistaken, Johanna. I'll steeeeeeeeal yooooou, Johaaaaaaaaana, I'll steeeeeeal yooou! Do they think that walls can hide you? Even now I'm at your window. I am in the dark beside you. Buried sweetly in your yellow hair!
(Judge opens door and gestures for Anthony to come in. He does.)
TURPIN: So, lad, buddy, buckaroo, what brings you here?
ANTHONY: You, uh, kind of invited me in, sir.
TURPIN: Oh, yes. Yes I did. Now, down to business. (Sips tea, clears throat.) You gandered at my ward, Johanna Montana!
ANTHONY: . . .gandered?
TURPIN: Yes, sir, you gandered! Now begone with you!
ANTHONY: So you invited me in so you could throw me out?
TURPIN: Yes, but enough philosophy.
ANTHONY: But we haven't been talking about philosophy at all!
TURPIN: Beadle, take him outside and beat some sense into him!
BEADLE: Yes, sir!
(Beadle drags Anthony by the ear outside, hits him on the head with his cane, hten walks back in.)
ANTHONY: You fiend! You ruined my hair! No matter. I feeeeeeel yoooooou, Johaaaaaaaana! I fee-
TURPIN: Stop singing about my ward!
ANTHONY: Yipes! (scampers off)
SCENE SIX: PIRELLI'S MIRACLE ELIXIR
(Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett are wandering through the market.)
SWEENEY: (grumbles) I don't see why I had to come. . .
LOVETT: (Looking at strange foods) Shush! (Continues to inspect)
SWEENEY: (Eyes start wandering until he notices the Beadle.) Excuse me while I go murder the Beadle in a crowd full of witnesses. . . (grabs razor and tries to go to the Beadle.)
LOVETT: (Grabs onto Sweeney's arm) Love, wait.
SWEENEY: But I don't wanna! (pouts)
TOBI: (pops in front of Sweeney) Wot's that sir? Don't wanna wait for your hair to grow back?
SWEENEY: (Touches hair.) Actually, my hair is rather—
TOBI: But hark! I have a solution! (pulls out elixir from pants) Pirelli's miracle elixir! It can do anything! Make your hair grow back! Fly to the moon! Get the girls! Help you sing! Make you live forever! Yes, sir, it can do it all! (goes into crowd, distributing bottles to people. Sweeney picks one up and sniffs.)
SWEENEY: Huh! This is nothing but human urine. . .wait. . . (sniffs again) Red Bull! And. . . pencil shavings!
PIRELLI: (comes out from behind blue curtain and points dramatically at Sweeney) Your smelling skills have served you well, but can you hold you match against me in a. . . SHAVE OFF?
SWEENEY: Puh-lease. Me and my shiny friends can pwn joo anyday! (whips out razors and does some elaborate swishing with them.) Who's for a free shave? (Two people come up.) And the Beadle will be the judge.
BEADLE: Glad, as always, to serve my friends and neighbors. (Snorts loudly)(People set up chairs and such and the two people get on.)
BEADLE: The fastest and smoothest shave will be the winner. Ready?
PIRELLI: Rrready!
SWEENEY: Ready. . .
BEADLE: Then begin!
PIRELLI: (shaves) I am obviously the better barber. After al, I am Italian. (cough) And I sing freakishly high. Here I go! oooooaaAAAAAH! (During this time, Sweeney shaves the guy all quick-like.)
PIRELLI: (Wheezes) Ah?
BEADLE: The winner is. . .Todd!
SWEENEY: Heh heh. I win.
PIRELLI: Egads! My reputation as the Italian barber is ruined! (cringes) Must regain honor!
(He runs back inside, followed by Tobi.)
BEADLE: That was impressive, Todd. I may have to go over to your shop.
SWEENEY: I will guarantee you the closest shave you will ever know.
BEADLE: (gasp) And I won't die?
SWEENEY: NO!
BEADLE: You definitely have my business, then. See you by the end of the week! (skips off happily)
SWEENEY: At last, my evil plan is falling into place. Muahahahaha!
LOVETT: And you said I talk to myself. . .
SCENE SEVEN: PIRELLI'S DEATH
ANTHONY: (holding lawn gnome in front of head) I am so clever to hide behind this statue. No one will see me here!
JOHANNA: I can still see you!
ANTHONY: (Scoots to the left) Can you see me now?
JOHANNA: Uh. . .a little bit more to the right. . .
ANTHONY: (Scoots) How about now?
JOHANA: Yeah, but you know what? Take my key. (Chucks key out window.) Now you can come in and see me anytime! (Key hits Anthony in the head)
ANTHONY: WOOT! Score! (scurries off) I feeeeeeeel yooooooou, Johaaaaaaaana. I feeeeeeeel yooooooou!
JOHANNA: Idiot. Oh, well, at least he isn't 65.
BARBER SHOP
LOVETT: (sitting in chair) This was my ex's chair. Sat in it all day, the lazy bum.
SWEENEY: (sharpening razor) Where's that blasted Beadle? He said he'd be here before the week was out!
LOVETT: But it's only Tuesday. . .
SWEENEY: Shuddup! I have the razor, so I say it's Friday!
LOVETT: Sheesh. Ever heard of patience?
SWEENEY:. . .maybe. (glances out window) Ooh! It's Pirelli and his servant girl! Okay, the plan is I'll kill the Italian wannabe, and you kill the mini one by poisoning him with your pies. Now, break!
(Mrs. Lovett rolls her eyes and goes downstairs to where Pirelli and Tobi are)
LOVETT: Mr. T's upstairs, come with me, boy.
TOBI: But I. . .
LOVETT: I said come!
(drags Tobi by the ear to pie shoppe)
(Pirelli goes upstairs)
PIRELLI: Mistá Todd
SWEENEY: At your service.
PIRELLI: Or should I say. . .Bejamin Barker?
SWEENEY: Oh snap! (grabs kettle and starts to beat Pirelli)
PIE SHOPPE
(Tobi looks up from stuffing face with pies because she hears loud noises.)
LOVETT: Uh. . .rats! They're really bad this year.
(Tobi shrugs and continues eating)
BARBER SHOP
SWEENEY: (Continues hitting Pirelli, then stops and pants.) Oh snap. What will I do? (spots conveniently body-sized trunk) Ooh! A conveneintly body-sized trunk! (Stuffs Pirelli into trunk)
SCENE 8: YOU'RE UGLY
TURPIN: I think it's time for Johanna Montana to start touring. But when I asked, she rejected.
BEADLE: Maybe because you're so ugly!
TURPIN: Hmmm. Maybe you're right, but where could I get de-uglyfied?
BEADLE: Wait! I know a place where you can get a free shave without dying!
TURPIN: Just in time! Take me to this place.
BARBER SHOP
TOBI: (bursts in) Signor Pirelli! Where are you? We have a meeting!
SWEENEY: (pours tea) Pirelli, uh, flew away.
TOBI: How stupid do you think I—
SWEENEY: Want a red bull?
TOBI: (gasp) Would I!
SWEENEY: Go ask Mrs. Lovett for one, then.
TOBI: Thank you, sir! (runs downstairs all happy-like)
SWEENEY: (Sweeney grins evilly and walks over to trunk. Pulls out Pirelli.)
PIRELLI: That. . .(groans) was not very nice.
SWEENEY: (slices throat) How do you like them apples?
(Pirelli gives out a dying choke.)
SWEENEY: Yeah, that's what I thought. (Drops Pirelli in trunk, whistles a happy tune while sharpening razors.)
LOVETT: (Walks upstairs) That little bugger just keeps drinking and drinking and just can't stop! Now did you "take care" of Pirelli? (air quotes)
SWEENEY: Yeah, it was so flippin' sweet! I was all like DIE DIE DIE and he was like DED DED DED and—(ding at the door interrupts.) (gasp) The doorbell! (sneaky ninja move to door window) It's the Judge! Leave!
LOVETT: Fine. I know when I'm not wanted. (Storms off)
SWEENEY: (gets door) Welcome, sir.
TURPIN: Mr. Todd, so I need a shave.
SWEENEY: Like hecks, you do! (drops Turpin into chair and starts lathering) So, how about those teen-pop sensations?
TURPIN: Oh, them? They are pretty awesome. Like my ward. She is pretty hackin' awesome.
SWEENEY: Just like her mother.
TURPIN: Wait. What?
SWEENEY: Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. (Finishes lathering and goes back to get razor.) LET'S DO THIS, JEREMY! (Starts shaving Turpin)
TURPIN: So, yeah. my ward is gonna get uber famous n'such and she will make me lots of monies!
SWEENEY: (Is about to slice throat) That's all very nice…
ANTHONY: (Bursts in) Mr. Todd! I saw Johanna and she said she'd come with me and we will go get married and have three kids and—(said in a string of words)
TURPIN: You! The gandering boy! (Stands up and wipes face.) You fiend! As for you, barber, it's all obvious who's company you keep. You will have none off my business. (Storms out)
ANTHONY:(stares at door for a moment, then looks at Sweeney) Anyway, Mr. Todd, you have to help me!
SWEENEY: No. . .
ANTHONY: Please!
SWEENEY: Get out. Wait. Do you have muffins?
ANTHONY: (meekly) No. . .
SWEENEY: GET OUT!! (Anthony eeks and runs)
SCENE NINE: PEOPLE STINK/EPIPHANY
BARBER SHOP
(Sweeney stands there for a moment in silence before Mrs. Lovett comes in.)
LOVETT: What's the matter now?
SWEENEY: People. . .stink!
LOVETT: And this is news to you. . .how?
SWEENEY: Seriously! First that sinky Judge dude, then the stinkish Beadle guy, and the stinkful annoying sailor kid! (Looks at Jeremy.) We've got a lot of work to do, Jeremy.
SCENE 10: A LITTLE PREIST
(Toby is passed out on the floor with Coke bottle in his hand.)
(Lovett rolls her eyes, drops blanket over him and takes the gin.)
(Sweeney is at the table twiddling his thumbs.)
LOVETT: (pours Sweeney some water or whatever) Now we have the faux Italian getting moldy upstairs. We need some sort of clever plan to get rid of him that will make this movie worthy of the title Demon Barber of Fleet Street.
SWEENEY: I've got it! First, we disguise ourselves as American tourists, then—
LOVETT: Wait, wanna know what would make the audience pee their pants?
SWEENEY: LOLz, what?
LOVETT: Well, it's just. . .I've been thinking. . . wait, you know what? We don't have time for a song. Lets just kill people and put them in pies.
SWEENEY: thumbs up
(Continue song)
SCENE ELEVEN: ASYLUM
(Johanna is packing as Turpin walks in.)
TURPIN: What are you doing?
JOHANNA: Oh, you know. Stuff.
TURPIN: Liar! You're planning on running off with the gandering boy who looks like a girl!
JOHANNA: (gasps) How did you know?
TURPIN: Because he is outside singing your name off key!
ANTHONY: (outside) I feeeeeeeel yoooooooou Johaaaaaaaaanaaaa!
JOHANNA: (yells out window) SHUT UP!
TURPIN: You actually like that looser? You must be crazy.
JOHANNA: IT'S IN MAH GENES!
TURPIN: Off to the asylum with you!
ANTHONY: (gasps) No!
TURPIN: Yes!
ANTHONY: No!
TURPIN: Yes!
ANTHONY: No!
TURPIN: Yes!
ANTHONY: . . .No!
TURPIN: Augh! Yes! Now go away!
ANTHONY: (runs off) I feeeeeeeeel yooooooou, Johaaaaaaaaanaaaaaa!
TURPIN: (glances at Johanna) Him? (Johanna smiles largely.)
SCENE 12: THAT'S GOOD!
HOBO: And the whole ordeal turned me into a hobo.
SWEENEY: I sure do miss my daughter.
HOBO: N'yeh!
(Sweeney eyes her wierdly and slits his throat.)
ANTHONY: (Outside) I feeeeeeeel yoooooooou, Johaaaaaaanaaaa!
SWEENEY: What is that awful noise? (goes to window) STOP SINGING SO BADLY ABOUT JOHANNA!
ANTHONY: But Mr. Todd! I miss her so! (Starts bawling)
SWEENEY: Wait. Miss her? Where'd she go?
ANTHONY: Turpin sent her to the defective head meat house!
SWEENEY: Wow. My life just gets better and better.
ANTHONY: What?
SWEENEY: Oh, nothing. So, are you gonna rescue her or what?
ANTHONY: I would, but I am too young and naïve to think of a strategic enough plan to save her!
SWEENEY: Wait! I've got it! (whispers in Anthony's ear)
ANTHONY: That just might work! (skips off merrily) I feeeeeeel yoooooou, Johaaaaaaanaaaaa!
SWEENEY: Muahahahahah! My incredible plan of sweet revenge is slowly falling into place!
PIE SHOP
(Lovett and Tobi sing "That's Good")
SCENE THIRTEEN: BY THE SEA
LOVETT: (sighs dreamily) Isn't this great? Just us. . .here. . .in this happy park that clashes horribly with our skin tone. . .yeah. . .
SWEENEY: (glares at her) I incredibly dislike you.
LOVETT: I love you too, dearie.
By the Sea
SCENE FOURTEEN: TOBI AND MRS. LOVETT
(Mrs. Lovett is sittin in a chair with her eyes closed.)
TOBI: Mum, I just want you to know that if anyone coughMr.Toddcough tries to kill you in any horrible way, I'll stop him right then and there.
LOVETT: Psh, sure. What are you, like, ninety pounds?
TOBI: That may be so, but I still don't trust Mr. Todd.
LOVETT: Snaps! Oh, want a shiny penny? (holds out penny)
TOBI: (gasp) Would I! (takes it and starts stroking it)
LOVETT: Now, then. What did you say about Mr. T?
TOBI: What? Oh, yeah. I don't like him.
LOVETT: Fine, then. Hey! Want to go into the basement for no particular reason?
TOBI: (gasp) Would I!
LOVETT: Now, then. (Lovett leads Tobi into cellar, and she skips inside.) I'll be right back. (Lovett leaves)
TOBI: (eats pies.) What? Holy crud! What was that? Was that a toe? Eww! That is so. . . oh my gosh. Dead limbs! Eww! Eww eww eww eww eww! That is sick! What kind of mad house are you people running!? (crash, scream) Was that the Beadle? EWWWW HIS HEAD EXPLODED ALL OVER THE FLOOR! This is crazy! You're all crazy! (screams and pounds on the door) Let me out!
SCENE FIFTEEN: TURPIN'S DEATH
ANTHONY: Okay, hide in here until I come back, okay?
JOHANNA: 'Kay, whatever.
ANTHONY: (skips off) I feeeeeel yooooooou, Johaaaaaaaaanaaaa!
JOHANNA: Okay. . .(looks around) This place looks eerily familiar. . .but. . .
Beggar: ALMS! ALMS! ALMS!
JOHANNA: Oh, snaps! (looks around for somewhere to hide) Hark! a conveniently body-sized trunk! (gets in)
LUCY: Where's that Beadle? I saw him, I did. . .
SWEENEY: What the crud are you doing in here?
Beggar: Oh you know. Stuff.
SWEENEY: Not in my shop! (slits throat) (Enter Turpin)
SWEENEY: Oh! How about a shave?
TURPIN: Despite the fact that you totally tried to kill me last time, I think you're a pretty nice guy, so, what the heck! (gets in chair)
TURPIN: Ya know, you kinda remind me of the old barber.
What was his name? Marker? Parker?
SWEENEY: IT'S BARKER! (starts to stab with horrible dramatic music in the background) Well, that was easy.
JOHANNA: (peeks out) What was that horrible sabbing death noise?
SWEENEY: You! How about a shave?
JOHANNA: But I'm a woman. . .
SWEENEY: Like hecks, you are! (drags her into chair)
LOVETT: (below) DIE DIE DIE!
SWEENEY: Oh snap! I gotta go. (points at Johanna) Stay! (runs a few feet towards the door, then turns around) St-stay!
SCENE SIXTEEN: THE FINAL SCENE
SWEENEY: What happened down here? I was in the middle of killing someone!
LOVETT: Oh, nothing, nothing. (scoots over to hide dead Lucy) It's not like you killed your wife or anything like that.
SWEENEY: Oh, okay. Anyway. . .(notices Lucy) Wait! (runs over to body) NOOOOOOOOO! You lied to me.
LOVETT: No, no, not lied at all, no I never lied.Just extended the truth, is all!
SWEENEY: No matter. I love you anyway!
LOVETT: Huh, really? (They start dancing)
SWEENEY: No! (He throws her into the oven)
LOVETT: Oh! The pain! (Sweeney closes her in)
SWEENEY: Once again, easy enough. (Drops razor and kneels by Lucy) Wow. Irony at its best.
TOBI:
(Crawls out of sewer,
grabs razor) Let's
do this, Jeremy! (Kills
Sweeney then stands there for a second, before dying of a severe
astha attack) (Anthony and Johanna come down the steps.
Anthony is holding basket of muffins)
Anthony: Hey! Mr.Todd! I brought muffins this time!(looks at all the dead people) Oh.
Johanna: (grabs and starts eating muffin. She starts choking and dies)
Anthony: (continues to smile, then drops down dead)