Rated T for language, excessive, unnecessary violence, and crack!-iness

They were the Akatsuki. They were wanted S-class criminals. They were the apex of evil, corruption, pride, greed and sin. They were the living damned for the crimes they committed. All were powerful beyond the scope of the mind, and were willing to show it. These men and one woman were the scourge of humanity, apathetic flukes of DNA, born without hearts, compassion, or empathy. Killing was their life, they existed off the deaths of others. These people were bad. But everything is good in the beginning. They might have been too. Itachi was once a loving, kind older brother. Konan was once a lonely orphan with only her two companions for a family. Sasori was once tucked in by his
Granny Chiyo. They were all good in the beginning, but sure as hell they weren't good in the beginning of the day. This is where our story starts. Welcome to early morning, coffee-less Hell on Earth.

PretendingI'mAHorizontalLineIsFun!

"DAMN IT KAKUZU YOU SHIT-HEAD!! WHERE THE F# IS THE GOD-DAMN MOTHER-F!#( COFFEE MAKER??" yelled Hidan when he went to put the hot water in the coffee maker, only to drop it and have it scald his legs when the pot didn't come into contact with the ever-sacred coffee maker. That machine was practically a god to Hidan, and most other members of Akatsuki.

"We needed money for some stuff so I sold the coffee maker for 400 ryo, not a bad deal huh?" said Kakuzu, obviously pleased with his marketing skills.

"YOU SON OF A BI!, MOTHER-F&#!, SHIT-HEADED REATARD SOLD THE SHITTING COFFEE MAKER?? THAT THING IS LIKE A DEITY HERE YOU WORTHLESS BASTARD!! JASHIN IS SO GONNA GET YOU AND IF HE DOESN'T I SURE AS F# AM NEXT IN THE DAMNED LINE!!YOU WILL FEEL THE SUFFERINGS OF OTHERS FOR THIS YOU BITCH!!" screamed Hidan while chasing Kakuzu around the hide-out with his scythe.

"What the hell's goin on unn?" said a groggy Deidara as he poked his head out the door to watch Hidan chase his partner with a giant scythe.

"THE GOD-DAMN DICK-HEAD SOLD THE F& COFFEE MAKER AND NOW JASHIN'S GETTING HIS REVENGE FOR THIS!!"

"WHAT? NO COFFEE?! DAMN IT!!" exclaimed Deidara. "WAIT UP HIDAN, I'LL HELP YOU WITH YOUR FREAKY-ASS RITUAL, UNN!" And with that, Deidara ran out of his room in nothing but his TNT-printed boxers to help Hidan get revenge for the loss of the holy coffee maker. All Sasori did was lift his head, mutter curses about loud idiots and lack of appreciation for an artist's creative sleep then drop his head again.

While the angry idiots chased the cheap idiot around the freaky big hide-out, the other members of Akatsuki simply ignored the yelling, screams of terror and occasional explosions and continued their routines. Or at least the ones that woke up did. On coincidence, the only ones that were woken up were Zetsu and Tobi.

"Ohh Zetsu-san why are Deidara-sempai and Hidan-sempai chasing Kakuzu-sempai so early in the morning? Is this a game? Why are they playing tag so early, and with explosives and scythes too?" asked Tobi in a tone that imitated child-like curiosity.

"You idiot, they aren't playing tag, they're trying to kill each other. Ohh, eww I so didn't want to see that much of Deidara at all!" said the black half of Zetsu.

"I wonder what act of stupidity caused this particular tantrum. Must be something bad, Hidan only brings out the scythe for those freaky-ass rituals of his. And I think that Deidara looks nice in those explosion-print boxers. I cant wait till we get to eat him." said the other half of Zetsu.

"I really didn't need those images in my head, thank you for the trauma. And that sissy Kakuzu probably did something dumb like sell the refrigerator. We don't want to get involved in this; it always ends badly once Hidan brings out the scythe. Anyway I'm hungry; let's find a battle-field to munch on. Try not to get yourself killed Tobi, God knows you have a knack for that." said dark Zetsu as their whole body melted into the wall.

"Hai, Zetsu-san; Tobi is a good boy; Tobi is a good Akatsuki apprentice. Tobi is good." said Tobi in a strange tone before getting trampled by Kakuzu, being used as a spring board by Hidan, and getting trampled again by Deidara. "Mou, sempai!! You have made Tobi break his promise; now Tobi has been a bad boy. Tobi must be good again! Tobi will stop the fighting, and then Tobi will be good again!" yelled Tobi as he started off after the trio of destruction. Kisame came out of his room fully dressed but without Samehada. Itachi, by some miracle of God had managed to sleep through the screaming, profanities and explosions and was still in his own bed.

"Well, well this looks to be entertaining. Wonder what started this? Hahaha, guess it doesn't matter as long as I get to watch without being dragged into it." chuckled Kisame as he walked down the hall to feed his pet reef shark. Stupid Pain wouldn't let him get any of the cool ones like a great white or tiger shark (grumble) stupid, shark-fearing leader, won't let him get any cool pets (grumble grumble).

"Hey Konan" mumbled Kisame as he passed her in the hall. Konan looked back at him.

"What's up with you?" she asked.

"Your stupid partner won't let me get any cool pets, says they're too 'dangerous' and 'unpredictable'. 'They're a danger to us all' he says. Stupid, shark-fearing Pain."

"Kisame, Pain's right, those things will rip someone's arm off and Deidara needs all the appendages he can keep. Plus we don't have room for a big enough tank. Wouldn't it be kinder to them to let them be free in the ocean?" Konan asked. Kisame only grumbled as he turned the corner. Konan sighed, men and their freaky desire for the things that will kill them. Idiots. She continued down the hall, past where Hidan and Deidara were trying to decide who got to torture a tied up Kakuzu first while Tobi ranted about them being good boys and not fighting. Needless to say, he was ignored in a corner.

"What happened?" said Konan

"The idiot sold the f#&! Coffee maker and now he will pay for his inconsideration for others!" growled Hidan as he ran a threatening finger down the scythe.

"Tobi is being a good boy, Tobi is trying to stop the fighting, yes, and Tobi is being good! Pretty Konan does not have to worry, Tobi will stop them like the good boy he is!" said Tobi happily.

"Shut up, you stupid pest unn. We're just trying to get to the point where blade-boy here agrees that I get the first hit unn." said Deidara as he molded some clay spiders. Then they started another argument about who got to kill Kakuzu first and why they should be the first with Tobi yelling over both of them to be good. Konan twitched. Was everyone trying to piss her off today? First she gets her hair burned by the hot-iron, then that moron Zetsu 'accidentally' walked in on her dressing, trampling her favorite origami paper in the process, Kisame was whining about stupid sharks, now these idiots are arguing over something as stupid as who got to kill someone first. Seriously, someone was about to get severely injured here!

"ALL RIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH!!" everyone turned to look at her. "HIDAN, DEIDARA, TOBI SHUT THE HELL UP!! YOU CAN EACH KILL KAKUZU AT THE SAME TIME CANT YOU?! IS IT THAT FRICKING HARD TO FIGURE OUT?! Ahem, now I will draw a circle on this piece of paper" She held up a bright green piece of origami paper, "and if it lands circle up, Deidara gets the upper body, Hidan gets the lower; if it lands circle side down, vice versa. Can you idiots handle that?" she said with a voice that just dared them to cross her. Everyone knew that when Konan was like this, you do do what you're told, or you will die, slowly and painfully. Even Pain was the slightest bit afraid of a PMS-ing Konan. Unfortunately for Hidan, he didn't have his morning coffee so he didn't have any brains.

"That's not flipping fair! I need the whole damned body for the ritual and I'm not gonna shut up just cuz some PMS-ing bitch tells me to!" said Hidan defiantly. Konan narrowed her eyes. He did not just call her that; he did not just disagree with her! Oh it's hurtin' time!

"What?" Konan hissed out.

"You heard me!"

"And you know what?" said Konan as she smiled seductively and leaned down so her lips were ghosting his ear," Pretty soon you're gonna wish I hadn't!"

MeNotBeingAStraightLineIsAllYourImagination

Konan smiled happily as she walked away from the pile of groaning men. That was a wonderful anger-management device! She'd have to do it again sometime. Now for some toast! She whistled happily as she walked past Pain.

"Good morning!" said Konan cheerily as she passed him.

'Wonder who she killed/maimed/traumatized this time?' thought Pain.

"Morning?" said Pain as he continued walking. Maybe she was PMS-ing; it would explain the screaming he just heard. He found the source of the earlier noise piled in a bloody heap in the middle of the hallway. Kakuzu was on the bottom, still tied up, and bleeding profusely from the lip, left leg, and head. On top of him was Hidan, the handle of his scythe in his mouth, swirls for eyes and had his arms and legs tied together with the extendable part of the scythe, the blade curving dangerously around his neck. Tobi, by some fluke of physics, had his head stuck in the ceiling, directly above Hidan so when he fell, the blade of the scythe would do something lethal. Deidara was lying with his back propped against the wall with a swollen cheek, nosebleed and severe bruising. His leg was sticking out at a weird angle, probably broken, and his boxers were pulled up in the atomic wedgie of the century. As a fellow male, Pain winced; there was no way he'd be walking normally anytime soon, even without the broken leg.

"What did you imbeciles do this time? Tell her that she looked fat? Mention the words scissors, glue, water or shredder?" asked Pain apathetically. Really, as long as they could still work, he didn't care how much Konan screwed them up. Still, he really wished they could go for one week without someone massacring the others. Last week it was Kisame, going on some ridiculous warpath for the sharks when Deidara said they were just over-sized egotistical fish, the week before that Hidan tried to kill them all for a comment Kakuzu made about his freaky false god. Really, the only ones who don't do stupid things like this are himself, Itachi and Sasori, sometimes. Sasori does get a bad temper when he and Deidara go off on their 'art' debates. If they weren't necessary to the plan, he'd kill them all.

"Stupid Hidan made her mad unn! He told her he wouldn't shut up just cuz she told him to, and he defied her to top it off unn!" moaned Deidara from his place on the wall. Hidan made an unrecognizable grunt of protest, but then just gave up when the scythe cut into his throat a little.

"You idiots should know better than to piss Konan off, especially when she's like this. And before you ask, I'm so not helping you get out of this, Stop giving me the death look Hidan, you can't die anyway so stop being a baby. And will someone tell me how the hell Tobi got in the ceiling? Or do I even want to know?"

"Konan-chan has a wonderful right hook Pain-sama" came the muffled response from the ceiling.

"Apparently so" said Pain dryly as he walked around the bloody mess.

ThisIsASceneChangeSoShutUpAndRead

Itachi groaned as he lifted his head off the pillow. He looked around, same old room, same old cave, same old Kisame watching porn TV. Wait wha-

"What in the name of all good things are you watching?" said Itachi as he pulled himself onto his elbow.

"Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh nothing! This is nothing!! You aren't seeing this it's just another freaky Sharingan-induced nightmare!! Ahe-heh-heh!" said Kisame as he changed the channel onto Discovery Channel's Shark Week special. "See, just peaceful sharks, tearing that tourist into little pieces, nothing unusual here! Circle of Life and all that, Food Chain you know!"

Itachi just rolled his eyes and grunted; this wasn't worth paying attention to. He should just go back to sleep, using the Amaterasu in that Inn really took it outta him…..damn it, now the damned Shark Week was keeping him up. Oh well, breakfast time. Itachi pulled himself into a sitting position on the edge of the bed, elbows on his thighs, head hanging. He really hated mornings. He finally got up, walked over to the bathroom and slammed the door behind him.

"Che, evening person." muttered Kisame. Ten minutes later Itachi was out of the bathroom, fully dressed, hair in the usual ponytail, bored expression in place.

"I'm getting breakfast. I assume you've already eaten." It was a statement, not a question. Without waiting for an answer, he stalked out the door to find food.

As he walked down the hall he passed Pain, bowed in respect, waited for the Leader of Akatsuki to turn the corner then continued on his way. The only sign of surprise he showed when he saw Deidara and Hidan using the body of a tied up Kakuzu to try to pull an upset Tobi out of the ceiling was a raised brow and half smirk. It turned into a real smirk when Tobi kicked Deidara and got his foot stuck in his mouth.

"You little shit! Wait till you're outta the ceiling, then I'm gonna show you the true meaning of the explosive beauty of art unn!" yelled Deidara once the foot was out of his mouth.

"You dumb-ass, how the hell did that witch stick you in the ceiling so damned hard? I thought only that slug-whore Hokage was this strong!!"

"Hey Itachi-teme, come help us get this moron out of the ceiling unn!"

"No."

"Why the hell not?!"

"I'm busy"

"Doing what unn?!"

"Finding joy in your sufferings"

"You bastard wait till I'm done with this idiot, you're next unn!"

"I'm quaking in fear already, especially since I've beaten within an inch of your death before without a problem."

"BASTARD!"

"I don't have time for this idiocy. Troublesome morons." muttered Itachi as he walked calmly around the fiasco in the hall. Five minutes of walking later he was in the kitchen, rummaging through the fridge for the dango he saved from last night. When he couldn't find it he frowned. He checked the freezer, the pantry, the counter, the table: everywhere! His dango was gone. Someone must have taken it…Deidara. Payback time is now. He walked down the hall, wreathed in deadly aura and killing intent to where 

Deidara and Hidan were still trying to get Tobi out of the ceiling. He walked over, grabbed Deidara's shoulder, and threw him against the wall, pinning him there with kunai knives.

"What the fu- ITACHI?! WHAT THE HELLZ GOIN ON? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BASTARD UNN??" yelled Deidara as he tried to squirm free.

"Did you eat my dango?" asked Itachi flatly.

"What the- I don't even like dango unn!! Ask Sasori no danna, he'll complain for hours about how I complain for hours about the stuff! I swear, for this one particular instance in time, I'm completely innocent unn!" said Deidara, still trying to wriggle free.

"Then if by some miracle of science, you are innocent this time, who did eat it?" hissed Itachi menacingly.

"I don't know unn!" said Deidara as he fell limply to the floor after freeing himself from the knives.

"Hey I got the shit-head free guys!!" yelled Hidan as he finally managed to save Tobi from the imminent threat of asphyxiation. As Tobi hit the floor, several small, colored sticks rolled out from his waist pouch.

"Yay Tobi is free!! Free; free; free! Free like a bird in the sky!!" cheered Tobi as he jumped up hyperly from the floor.

"Tobi, what just fell out of your pocket unn?" asked Deidara warily.

"Dango sticks Deidara-sempai!! I found some nice, tasty dango in the fridge and had it for breakfast!! Tobi is a good food-finder ne sempai?!" asked Tobi, oblivious to the murderous Uchiha glaring evilly at him, Mangekyou wheels spinning dangerously.

"Shouldn't have said that idiot, have fun in the afterlife" said Hidan as he casually tried to sneak away from the young man who had "Death And Doom" practically tattooed on his forehead and in his gaze.

"Don't move a muscle Hidan, Deidara, Kakuzu." said Itachi as he stalked towards Tobi like a hungry, rabid wolf towards a fresh carcass.

"Ohayo, Itachi-sempai, lovely cave today, ne?" questioned Tobi happily, looking up at Itachi's face. Big mistake, man; big mistake. Itachi snapped his fingers and transported all five to the world of the Mangekyou Sharingan. All except Itachi were strapped to wooden posts, then the place was filled with clones of Itachi.

"You will all pay for your disrespect. For the next 72 hours-"

And that, my dearest friends, is what happens when Kakuzu sells the coffee maker. The moral of the story…never lose enough IQ points that you get to the point where you wonder what the Akatsuki would do in the morning without coffee. It's a dark world in our heads folks, so, very, dark.

:

Hana: This is the crack!-iest thing we've ever written!! I LOVE IT!!

Amikage: Even though this is total stupidity, I have to admit I had a part in it. Review please, even to tell us we're evil, sadistic people for beating up poor Tobi-chan like that.

Hana: and in this fic, we're pretending that Tobi isn't Madara-teme so that's why Itachi is beating the shit out of him!Cheshire grin