Guarding Stephanie-Part 13

Apparently, I posted this before in HTML, and the punctutation came out. Here is is as Word.

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Zip's POV

I felt the color drain from my face, as I looked down at the duty roster. God. Fucking. Hates. Me. My eyes slowly travelled from the duty roster to Tank's stupidly- grinning face. I really wanted to punch that stupid ass smirk off his face.

"No fucking way," I said.

" Yes, fucking way," he said.

I ran my hands over my military short, close cropped light brown hair and sighed. I knew I was whining like a goddamn baby, but , …

" Why me? Why can't Lester do it? Or Bobby? Or anyone fucking else but me?" I could see Lester and Bobby, those assholes, hiding behind the walls of their cubicles, and heard their muffled laughter . At me. Fuckers.

Tank frowned, and his eyes narrowed, a scary sight. He was obviously not used to having his assignments questioned.

" Lester and Bobby have to service a contract. Binkie is off today. Woody is with Ranger chasing that skip that fled to New York City. Besides, no one else wanted this assignment, and you are the newest guy, so guess what ? Its all yours. Sucks to be a proby." Well, I wasn't exactly a proby, but I was the newest guy in the company.

" And remember, Steph's stalker actually has a shrine to her. He knows her every movement. Ranger wanted her to stay in the building, but she has to do this today. So you are not to let her get out of arm's reach, and definitely not out of your sight, understood?"

"Yes, sir," I mumbled, knowing that any further protest would be useless.

Tank turned and stalked off. Lester came out from his hiding place in his cubicle, still snickering.

" You might want to wear a cup," he suggested smugly. "Oh, and don't forget to check the old lady for weapons," he added.

"Yeah, you might have to strip search her," Bobby added, nearly bent over from laughter.

I shuddered. It was going to take a hell of a lot of porn to get that visual out of my head.

"Assholes," I yelled after them.

Working for Rangeman is a lot like being in the military. You can be given any assignment at any time with very little notice and often no preparation. Like the military, a lot of the assignments are mind numbingly- boring until they become life and death exciting. I really like working at Rangeman. The pay is great, and I get to use a lot of the skills I am good at. Plus, the chicks are fucking unbelievable. I can get any chick I want any time I want. I have light brown hair, brown eyes. I am 6 feet tall and just under 300 pounds of pure muscle. Chicks love me.

I sighed and went to my desk again to wait for Steph. It wasn't that I minded guarding Steph. I don't work as closely with her as some of the guys do, but I like her. She's cute , funny, sweet and almost completely unable to take care of herself. I have been out "skip tracing " with her, and believe me, she gets skips in spite of herself. She has a lot more luck than skill.

The problem with this assignment wasn't Steph, it was the goddamn old lady, Steph's grandma. Edna Mazur, also known the "fucking crazy old broad.( F-COB)" .The guys who work for this company are mostly hardened, ex-Special Forces badasses. All have seen active duty in war zones, firefights, some have actually been caught and tortured. None of us are afraid of anything – EXCEPT Edna Mazur. She is totally crazy and outrageous and we can't exactly hit her, she's a fucking old lady. So you have to figure out a way to handle the situation while still being polite. I am a former Navy SEAL- there is NOTHING I can't handle- except this.

Steph came into the control room, wearing a tight fitting black dress that came just above her knee. It was just low cut enough to show the top swell of her breasts and fire the imagination as to what was under it. Her hair framed her face in gentle waves, and she had a lot of eye gunk on that made her eyes stand out. She looked gorgeous. She was fucking hot and TOTALLY off limits. She was Ranger's woman. The first thing you learn in this company is that Steph is off limits. I am always polite and nice to her, but some of the guys really got familiar with her. I didn't get familiar with her, I was too afraid that Ranger would kick my ass.

I made sure that I had my weapon loaded, my ultilty belt filled, grabbed the "Steph emergency bag" and led Steph out the door. " You are not to be outside of my arm's reach at any time tonight, for any reason, understood?"

She smiled, "Sure Zip." She didn't usually acquiesce that easily, so she must really have been scared of the stalker. Then again, there is no way of knowing if she will actually stay close to me. Steph is the only one in this company who dares to defy orders, and she usually gets away with it.

Steph looked up at me apologetically. " Zip, I'm sorry about this. But I promised Grandma that I'd take her to a Jerome Felisky's viewing tonight. She loves to go to viewings. And she is still banned from the other funeral homes."

Fuck. A fucking funeral. I didn't like funerals. I didn't even like going to funeral of people I knew, let alone total strangers. I didn't even intend to go to my own funeral. But a mission is a mission.

Steph chatted on and on until we pulled up in front of her parent's house. The old broad was already halfway down the walk.

Steph ran up and met her. "Grandma, this is Zip. He's our security for tonight. "

The old lady grabbed my ass and pinched. Shit.

" Ooh, another one of them Rangemen? "Her eyes roamed my body in a way that made my skin crawl. "He looks like he has quite the package. " She grabbed me hard and squeezed.

"If that Ranger won't have sex with you, you should do him." She looked at me. " You think my daughter is pretty?"

"Yes, ma'am ", I answered. Steph is pretty, but I couldn't believe the fucking old lady grabbed my crotch. Good thing I had a cup on. Ranger better fucking pay me a bonus for this. I stopped and helped her into the back seat of the SUV. I grabbed for her purse. " Mrs. Mazur, ma'am, I need to check your purse."

I dug through her purse, but didn't find a gun. I knew better than to assume she didn't have one.

" Mrs. Mazur, do you have any weapons on you?"

Her eyes rolled and then she looked down at her shirt.

I gave an unmanly shudder. I was SO not going there. No bonus was big enough. I turned and gave Steph my best 'adorable grin," and bless her heart, she came to my aid. She held out her hand. " Grandma?"

Mrs. Mazur locked eyes with Steph for a moment, then took the .22 out of her bosom and gave it to Steph. Steph handed it to me, and I took it in a two fingered grip. I did NOT want to think about where it had just been. I made sure the gun was unloaded, and put it in the glove box.

Steph was explaining to her grandma. " Grandma, Zip is here for our security because someone has been threatening me. We need to be sure to do everything that he tells us to do."

I had to keep from laughing at Steph, of all people, telling someone to obey directions. I kept checking the rear view, Mrs.. Mazur kept winking at me. Shit. That is just gross.

The old lady started talking excitedly about the viewing. "This is going to be a pip." Steph was half turned in her seat, listening. " Old Jeromewas 90. He used too much Viagra, and his pecker swelled up. His cock ring got stuck on his penis and it caused a blood clot and gave him a stroke."

Holy fuck! I almost drove off the road at the thought of a ninety year old man with a swollen dick and a cock ring. And hearing the word cock ring for the mouth of an old lady was enough to make me need therapy. Still, - the old guy was my hero- 90 years old and using a cock ring.

Steph actually blushed. She is really adorable when she does that.

We got to Haverson's Funeral Home and into a spot right in front of the door. I checked my Glock and my auxiliary weapon. I got out, but made Steph and the old lady wait in the car until I had scoped out the immediate area. I helped Steph and Mrs. Mazur out and quickly hustled them into the funeral home.

Why the fuck do they call it a funeral HOME anyway? Not like anyone lives there, no living people anyway. Only dead people.

As soon as we crossed the threshold, Mrs. Mazur went running in, looking for the cookies. She dragged Steph over to a small table with cookies, cheese and punch.

"These cookies are way better than the ones at Fox's funeral home. Theirs are always stale."

Shit? They were comparing the fucking cookies at the different funeral homes?

Everyone here looked about 100 years old. An old skeletal looking man came walking up to us. " Mrs. Mazur… you aren't supposed to come back here," he cried, looking unhappy.

" Now, Mr. Haverson, what happened last time was an accident. " , Mrs. Mazur said.

Steph smiled at the old man. " I will keep an eye on her , don't worry."

Mr. Skeletor gave me haughty look. " Sir, we do not allow weapons in here."

"You do now. I am security for Ms. Plum." Guy had a lot of balls confronting me, considering I could fucking snap him in two.

I fucking hates these places. I can't breathe in these places with the damn smell of incense and flowers that covers up the smell of death. I wasn't afraid of death, but places like this were just freaking morbid. Looking at pasty dead people.

I preceded Steph into the "viewing area" , checking out the surroundings. I was the only one in the room under 60. Mrs. Mazur came into the room behind Steph, and went up to a couple of old ladies. I could hear them whispering loudly about 'my package." Shit.

Steph and Mrs. Mazur walked up to the casket. I stayed next to Steph, keeping her within arm's reach. They stared at the body in the open casket. " Oh, he looks so good," Mrs. Mazur said. " I can't believe how good he looks."

Is she fucking kidding? He's all white and he looks, well, he looks fucking dead. He's dead, how do they expect him to look?

I heard Steph sniffle, and bent down. Shit. She was crying. I didn't even think she knew the old guy. "Hey, Steph, are you ok?", I asked. She sniffed, wiping her eyes on a Kleenex. " Yeah, I just always cry at these things." A few tears turned into a lot of tears and I put her head on my shoulder.

Her mascara and eye stuff was running and she looked like a raccoon. Ok, I may be a dick, but I though she looked sexy as hell. Ranger is a lucky fuck. " Shit. Is my eye makeup running?"

"Yeah, a little. But it looks really hot." I gave her one of my killer smiles.

Steph left the old lady at the coffin, and I followed her to a large mirror over a table of fake flowers. She was trying to fix herself up in the mirror.

" Zip, I am going to have to go to the ladies room to fix my makeup. Will you keep an eye on Grandma?"

What? Fuck no. Fuck grandma. Steph was my responsibility.

" I am not letting you anywhere that I can't get to you."

'Zip, its not like my stalker is here. None of these people is under 80."

I followed her to the ladies room, and I did knock, but then I went in and made sure it was empty.

" You have five minutes," I said, and stood outside the door.

Ten minutes later, she came out, her eye makeup perfect again.

She had just come out when there was a loud BANG! noise, followed by a lot of screams. I reacted instinctively, shoving Steph down and into a secluded corner. I handed her my spare gun and said told her to stay there.

I ran into the main viewing room and -

The goatfuck had turned into an enormous cluster fuck.

The coffin had been knocked off its platform and was now sitting on its side on the floor, the bottom half had opened, and old Mr. Felisky had rolled out. Grandma Mazur was straddling him and had his pants open to expose his shriveled cock, still encased by its cock ring. I was going to have nightmares about this for years to come.

Steph came running in behind me, probably wondering what the screams and gasps were all about. She's so obedient to following orders as usual.

She let out a little yelp, then handed me my gun.

" Grandma, what the hell are you doing?" She ran up to get her grandmother off the dead guy.

"Eloise said that they were burying Jerome with the cock ring, and I needed to see for myself."

I know it is tacky, but I couldn't help myself. When else do you get to see a 90 year old dead guy with a cock ring? I glanced at Steph to make sure she was ok. Then I discreetly whipped out my cellphone and started taking pictures.

Santos and Brown were not going to believe this shit.

Mr. Skeletor came rushing into the room looking like he was going to have a coronary.

"Edna Mazur," Skelator was screaming. " Get out! Now!"

Stephanie was blushing furiously, mortified, helping the old lady up.

The carefully arranged coffin and dead guy were still sprawled all over the floor , like a tornado had hit them. A tornado named Edna Mazur.

Mr. Skelator pointed at me. He actually fucking pointed at me.

"Young man, will you give me a hand here?"

What. The. Fuck? He wanted me to turn over the coffin and help put the old dead guy back into it?

Ok, carrying dead old guys with shriveled dicks and cock rings was absolutely not in my contract.

I took Steph's arm. She was almost ready to cry again, she was so embarrassed.

"Sorry, Ms. Plum is my responsibility and she is leaving."

" I was just checking his cock ring!, Edna kept yelling out, trying to break out of Steph's hold.

I practically had to drag the old lady out of there.

" Grandma, " I can't believe you did that. You promised you weren't going to screw up any more funerals. Dad just finished paying off the damages from the last time!" " Steph helped her grandmother into the SUV, then sat quietly in the front seat, her head in her hands.

Steph was unusually quiet as we took Edna back to her house, gave her back her gun, minus the ammo, and I escorted her to the door.

When we got back to Rangeman , Steph grabbed my hand in the elevator. " Zip, I am so sorry about tonight. I was mortified, so you must have been really embarrassed.

" No problem, Steph," I said, and gave her a hug. She went to the seventh floor, no doubt to head to bed.

I reported in to Tank. Bobby and Lester were just coming in from surveillance. Apparently, everyone had heard about the disturbance at the funeral home.

" Santos, check this out." I showed him and Bobby the pics of the dead guy with the cock ring, then emailed it to the rest of the guys.

It was only 9:30, but I went up to my apartment. I had to erase the visuals from tonight with lots and lots of porn. Tomorrow, I was getting a cock ring.