Darren's "real" friend
So here we go again, back up to good old vampire mountain. We made it ¾ of the way but then I realised I'd forgotten my pickle jar. I love that pickle jar. Ruart gave it me. Have I told you about Ruart? Everyone loves Ruart. Larten and Gavner are jealous as they do not know good old Ruart.
"Darren!" Larten shouted. "You aren't talking about Ruart again are you?"
"Yes! Yes I am!" I retorted. "Let me tell you about my friend Ruart."
"Well you see me and Ruart met on holiday in the good old month of July. I was in Eastbourne, notorious for its young and hip population. Well you see I was alone in a park and I fell off the swing, as I wasn't paying attention to the fact I was falling, and I hit my head very hard and Ruart happened to walk past and laugh, I then stalked him all of the holiday. Good old Ruart." I explained "Huh? Larten, where are you?"
I ran after Larten and Gavner. I had over done myself with these 7 paces and must stop to regain my energy and take a puff of my Bricanal asthma inhaler. I caught up with them and felt they had been mocking me again. They were jealous of my new companion and therefore rejected the notion of his existence. Oh Ruart. I wish he were here now so that I could play Cluedo with him. How I love Cluedo. Though it does confuse me –how could you kill someone with a candlestick? I spend many hours wondering this late at night.
"Creps?"
"What Darren? What do you want?" he shouted
"Well…" I started.
"Well what?" he asked
"LET ME FINISH" I shouted "I was just wondering… If you would do me a favour, a special favour"
"What are you on about Darren?! We must hurry up, Gavner's storming ahead of us, and we'll never catch up if you don't spit it out!"
"Well it's do with your hair… I mean the way you get it so orange, maybe you could… you know… dye it?"
"Why!"
he shouted, offended. "My hair is who I am. How could you even
suggest such a thing?"
"Well, it's just… Ruart has orange
hair. I don't want him to feel that you are a threat."
Larten glared at me, a strong hard glare. He turned on his heels and left. I felt extremely upset my friend and benefactor Larten's behaviour that I ran to my friend Harkat in tears.
"Do you know what Harkat?"
"What…Darren?" he huffed
"You remind me of Ruart…his face once had stitches in too"
Harkat just stared, I feel I had offended yet another of my companions.
Later that night, while we were eating our tea of Saag Aloo, my favourite curry ever, Gavner Harkat and Larten announced they wanted to have a discussion with me.
"Waassu?" I asked mouth full of potato.
"Well…" Harkat begun. "We just … feel that you… feel that … we are… inferior … to your…friend … Ruart."
"What lefty here is trying to say is that would you please SHUT UP about Ruart?" Gavner shouted.
"It really pisses us off." Larten added, nodding.
"YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS" I screamed storming off to a near by tree, to then go back and get my curry and sit back down again.
Ruart likes trees. He is somewhat of a bark fanatic. Well this is being modest; he is a bark, moss and fungi expert. He showed me his collection whilst in Eastbourne, it was most fascinating! I Hope to start my own collection someday. In fact, there is no time like the present! I set about looking for bark moss and fungi to make into a collection which I could later show off to Ruart. He will be so impressed I thought to myself while looking for bark moss and fungi. Rare Vampire Mountain bark, moss and fungi! Wow!
However my spirits soon were crushed when I discovered I had nowhere to store the bark, moss and fungi. Furthermore, I (and I hate to admit this) could not easily tell the difference between different types of Bark Moss and Fungi. I tried stuffing the bark and moss up my t-shirt, but that just made come out in a terrible rash…so I gave up, again.
"Darren, stop it with the moss"
"But…"
"I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT NAME"
"It's a present for R-….. I mean…. Buart!
"YOU JUST CHANGED THE FIRST LETTER"
I didn't know what to say so I just walked into my tent, cradling my bark, moss and fungi pile. I would tell Gavner about Ruart and my bark, moss and fungi pile in the morning.
Later that night, Larten and I sat out under the stars, him teaching me about the many stories they tell.
"Tell me more! I want to know all about the constellations!" I exclaimed in excitement. For almost four minutes I didn't think about Ruart. But then… I saw a piece of moss and I was reminded. Tonight I would have sweet dreams about Ruart….
To be continued
As Ruart would say to me when we finished a game