Title: Hugs And What?
Author: Shao Bei Bei
Rating: T
Genre: Humor/General
Summary: "You need a HUG." "No, Kurosaki, I do not." Ichigo is given a mission. Oddly enough, it is not to hug Hitsugaya.
Warnings: crack, bad writing, and just a liiiiiittle bit of slash.
Author's Note: It's awful, I know. I just couldn't get the idea of Ichigo hugging Hitsugaya out of my mind.
Archived On: Fanfiction dot net

"Oh hey, Ichigo!" Matsumoto waved frantically at the orange-haired teen, her breasts nearly bouncing out of her shirt as she did so. "I'm over here!"

Ichigo scowled as he walked over to her, eyes scanning the place as he went.

"This place doesn't look like it's in mortal danger." He pointed out. The woman shrugged.

"Appearances can be deceiving?" She offered hopefully. Ichigo's twitching eye said she had better had a good explanation. "Okay, look, it's summer. We're losing shinigami left and right just because of the heat here. It's an epidemic, and our air conditioner is broken! Only you can help, Ichigo."

Ichigo's hand froze on the hilt of his zanpakuto. During his time here he had never seen any modern technology. It interested him, to say the least, that they even knew what an air conditioner was.

"You have an air conditioner?"

"Technically speaking. Their functions are the same, but your definition of an air conditioner may be a little different from ours."

"How different?"

"Ichigo, have I ever told you why Captain Hitsugaya is so popular in the summertime?"

"Alright, alright, I get it." Ichigo rubbed his head, taking a sip from a rather destroyed juice box. (The others he had brought there had been jumped on immediately. Apparently Rukia had been sharing her human world experiences.) "So, when Toshiro doesn't control his reiatsu, everything around him gets nice and cool. But he always controls it, so you have to figure out a way to make him stop. And how do you plan to do that?"

Matsumoto beamed. Apparently she was the mastermind behind many of the air conditioner plans.

"Well, usually it's hard for shinigami to hide their reiatsu when they've been thoroughly freaked out or traumatized, so we tried that. The first few years he was captain, all the busty shinigami women got together and threw him a surprise strip show. But after a while he got used to it." She sighed, and Ichigo suddenly got the uneasy feeling that she thought those years had been fun.

"The years after that, we were supposed to have all the male captains suddenly declare their undying love for him. But there were a few problems."

"Like?" Ichigo thought he would have been plenty freaked out if that happened to him.

"Well, Captain Yamamoto-Genryusai showed too much of an interest in the idea and suggested that we go even further than just confessing love. While it's quite traumatic to have an old man like him confess love, we thought that there might be a chance of Captain Hitsugaya having to defend himself from er, 'sexual harassment' as you call it. We had to deploy Captain Komamura and Aizen to distract him."

"Captain Kyoraku refused to participate unless Hitsugaya was wearing a wig, dress, and large fake breasts. That, or I go out on a date with him." Her eyebrow twitched at the mention of this. "Captain Tosen thought that the plan would bring much bloodshed. Captain Byakuya's acting sucked, and Captain Kenpachi couldn't pull it off. Our last remaining captain, Captain Ichimaru...well, he's creepy."

Ichigo nodded in agreement.

"So what'd you do then?" He asked.

"Until we found another plan, we had the busty shinigami women from the aforementioned strip show suddenly pop up naked in unexpectedly places." Matsumoto was obviously the mastermind of this. "That took care of him for another few years."

"Then someone came up with the idea of having all the male captains give him their own versions of what you humans call 'the birds and the bees' talk, all in one day. I think we had good air conditioning for about two decades after that. I hear Captain Byakuya's talk was quite informative." She looked contemplative as to where the man got his knowledge. Ichigo would rather not know. (However, he had a strong suspicion that a certain red-haired childhood friend of Rukia's had been questioned thoroughly by Byakuya the day before the talk.)

"And up until now, we've had everyone take out pages from their favorite hentai and hide them in their reports." Matsumoto concluded. Ichigo choked. The fact that they even had hentai was mind-boggling. "But this year, he had Hanatarou from the 4th division check through all his reports. So we've decided on you. The Gotei 13 voted you as Most Likely to Traumatize Hitsugaya for Life, since we're tired of having to think up new plans. Also, Captain Kyoraku complained that everyone was stealing his hentai."

Ichigo blinked as she looked at him expectantly.

"You expect me to risk my wellbeing and possibly my life so you can have air conditioning?" He asked incredulously. "What makes you think I'll do that?"

She slowly began to pull down the front of her uniform.

"Gaaah! Fine, fine, I'll do it!" He escaped before his innocence could futher be corrupted.

"Toshiro."

"Captain Hitsugaya."

"You're too grumpy."

"I am not."

"You need a HUG."

"No, Kurosaki, I do not." And then a few seconds later, "What the - "

Hitsugaya suddenly found himself in a tight, Ichigo-scented, much too impossible to escape from hug. And as much as he scrambled to get free, his arms were pinned to his side and his feet were two feet off the ground, and he was effectively helpless. Not only that, his own zanpakuto was betraying him by standing by and chuckling.

I am going to kill him.

Ichigo blinked as he held the struggling captain tightly. There was no drop in temperature yet. He'd have to try something else. He suddenly tossed the white-haired boy up, and caught him by the hips so that Ichigo was looking up at him. Hitsugaya was so surprised that all he did was grab onto Ichigo's shoulders.

"Hey, Toshiro," Ichigo breathed, "Guess what?"

Hitsugaya blinked.

Ichigo kissed him softly on the lips. It was only a quick peck, a pressing of lips to lips, but it was Hitsugaya's first kiss, judging from the way he blushed. Ichigo grinned.

"I like you." He said, kissed him again, and promptly escaped while Hitsugaya was still blushing.

Matsumoto smiled when she felt the sudden chill in the air. What exactly had Ichigo done? She estimated that this would last them for at least another century. She hummed as she took another sip of sake. She'd have to reward him sometime. Maybe get the girls back together for a reunion strip show?

Suddenly the door flew open. Hitsugaya stood there panting, red-faced, and very, very angry.

"Matsumoto."

"Y-yes, Captain?"

"Send out an order. All 10th Division members not currently on missions are to immediately track down and kill the substitute shinigami Kurosaki Ichigo. Brutally." He looked as if 'brutally' wasn't enough, even for him.

"Er, Captain? If you don't mind me asking, what did he do?"

The mere mention seemed to increase his murderous aura.

"Send. It. Now."

Somewhere in the distance, an orange-haired substitute shinigami laughed.