Disclaimers: Don't own (damn), don't sue (please).
A/N: So this was originally going to be a oneshot, but I may turn it into a series if there's high enough demand, so LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. I really just wanted a MaxXJude centric fic, focusing on Max's feelings throughout the movie. Oh!! One more thing!
This is my fanfiction, so I have decided to pretend that Max does not have a mustache in the later scenes. The mustache is the single worst fashion choice in the WORLD, and my Max will not be caught with one.
Anyways, please ENJOY!

He'd been like this for a long time now, it seemed. A shell. An empty vase. The war had drained him; the hospital had almost killed him, and now he was living with his sister in a vacant apartment where the vestiges of someone he loved lingered in every corner. He knew that Lucy felt the same way, though she was much better at hiding it. She still smiled and laughed sometimes, but Max barely ever did anymore. Killing people for a cause he didn't believe in had been horrible, but he thought when he came home, his best friend would be there to comfort him.
When Lucy told him that Jude had been deported, Max felt like he lost more of himself than when he shipped off to 'Nam. It was this, perhaps, that caused him to retreat so deeply into himself. Lucy thought it was all about the war.
She didn't know what Max had really felt... all this time what he had really felt.
Max didn't love Jude from the start. He thought they'd be friends for a while, get their kicks, and end up on opposite sides of the universe like it had always been with people before. He had no idea that the way Jude looked at Lucy would fill him to the brim with uncontrollable jealousy. He had no idea that he wouldn't feel protective of his fragile little sister, he would be jealous of her. Max had never been jealous of Lucy before. He'd never needed to. Now, though, they both wanted the same man, and that man was all over Lucy in a moment. Max tried to stop it, but what could he say?
"She has a boyfriend."
"That's all right."
"She can do better."
"Yer just being 'er brother."
He couldn't say that he wanted Jude for himself. No, he couldn't even think it.
Because Max had always loved women, and these new feelings, these strong, painful, regretful, heart-stopping feelings, didn't mesh with what he knew. It was crazy and cruel, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't reverse what Jude had done to him. He couldn't fall out of love.
It had taken him a while to admit to the word "love." At first, he thought it was just his hormones acting up, then he thought it was all about curiosity. It wasn't until he looked past the physical attraction and into Jude's heart and mind that he realized how far he had fallen. Jude was a creative genius, an artist, a great friend, a fast friend, and as close as Max ever had to a brother. Except of course those feelings hanging in the air that were anything but brotherly.
Max finally admitted those feelings to himself after ten shots of hard vodka, and he wondered how drunk Jude would get after he heard. That is, if Max was planning on telling him, which didn't seem like a good idea at first.
Then, he found out that he was probably going to die in Vietnam, and everything changed. He felt like there was so much less time for everything, and he felt that he had to tell Jude, somehow, how he felt.
His confession didn't go over quite the way he hoped, but every detail was still embedded in his battered brain. He wanted to remember that night forever, because it was the only one he would ever have.
They were a little drunk, boozing and having fun at Sadie's show. All of them were caught up in the music, with the exception of two.
Jude had spent the whole night staring at Lucy, and Max had been staring at Jude. He didn't mean to, really, but he couldn't take his eyes off him. It was something about the dim bar lighting and the way Jude's charcoal-covered fingers gripped the bottle of beer and lifted it to his lips. It was something about the heat in the air and the jealousy in Max's heart. He wanted to leave. But he wanted Jude to come too.
Motioning to his friend, Max finally got his attention, and pointed toward the exit. Jude looked confused and a little disappointed, but followed, because Max was his best friend. "What's goin' on?" Jude asked, and Max smiled a little bit at Jude's accent, like he always did.
"I just needed to get out of there, man," he responded, glad to finally have his Jude to himself. "I mean, I can only take so much of the crowd."
"What're ye talking about?" Jude asked as they started to walk down the street. Hands in his pockets, he nudged Max with his shoulder. "Ye love crowds, mate. It's cause ye get all the girls."
"Yeah, but lately..." He laughed nervously and scratched his head. Lately, he didn't want all the girls. And the one person he wanted, he wasn't going to get.
There was a long pause, and when Max didn't go on, Jude sighed, removing one hand from his pocket and wrapping it around Max's shoulder.
"Yer damn confusing, Max, but we love ye all the same."
Max noticed the word "we" in place of the "I" he was hoping for. He noticed the nonchalant way Jude draped his arm, barely even touching. He noticed the meaninglessness in the word "love", but it set him off. He had longed to hear "love" from Jude's lips for too long now.
Turning and blocking his friend's path, Max grabbed both sides of Jude's face, pulling his open mouth down and taking it in an instant. He felt the stubble under his thumbs and the strong, hard arms trying to push him away, but Jude's lips were so soft, and it was a sweet and pleasant feeling, even though it only lasted a moment. The Brit's strength won out and Max stumbled away, breaking contact of the hands and the lips and causing reality to come back to him.
Max was mortified, but Jude was worse.
"What the hell was that?"
There was silence and all Max could do was stare at Jude wide-eyed.
"I don't know," he finally answered.
Another pause. Jude looked around, worried someone had seen, but the streets were deserted, and in this neighborhood, no one would have cared. No one but Jude.
"I don't think ye should've done that."
Max looked away, swallowing a hard lump.
"I don't think I should've either."
"Then why in the bloody hell did ye do it!?" Jude seemed to regret yelling the moment he quieted. He spoke again but with a much more gentle tone. "Why'd ye do it, Max?"
"I just... Listen, Jude. I really don't want to get into this right now." He was grasping straws, trying to explain something away without explaining anything. "I just needed some human contact, okay? Just a kiss! I'm going to WAR, Jude... I wanted to be close to someone."
"Yeah? Then why me?"
He didn't have an answer for that. Why Jude? Because... He was all he wanted. Instead of speaking, Max just raised his hand to the side of Jude's face, watching the confusion play in his best friend's eyes. His fingers traced the slope of Jude's jaw, the bottom of his lip, then down again, snaking round the back of his neck.
"Just wanted to be close," he whispered, and pulled Jude down again. This time, their lips touched shyly, molding together in a weak sort of compromise. Max would've given anything to taste the depth inside Jude's mouth, to bite his tongue and hold him tight, but Jude was cautious and concerned and didn't really want what he was giving.
Still, when they moved away from each other, when Max nearly cried knowing that was as close as he was going to get, Jude grabbed Max's shoulder and held it tightly for a moment, forcing a little smile. "All right, Mate... All right," he said, and pulled Max in for an embrace. "Everything's gonna be all right."
Max didnt' know what this meant, but he was in the arms of the man he loved, yes, loved, and he believed that everything would be all right, so long as it remained like this.

The dream didn't last.
Two days later, he found Jude and Lucy asleep together. The sheets had fallen down, revealing a tantalizing glimpse of Jude's shoulder and chest, but there was a lipstick mark on his friend's neck, and the two lovers had their fingers laced together as they slept.
"So that's how it is?" Max asked, though he already knew.
Jude was always going to choose Lucy over him.

Now, though those days seemed so long ago, the pain was just as real, made even worse by the fact that he knew that wherever Jude was, he was unhappy. He was without Lucy. The thought of them together was crushing, but the thought of Jude being unhappy was even worse.
They had been friends for a while, had their kicks, and ended up on opposite sides of the universe, just like Max had anticipated... but this was different. He would have given anything to have Jude by his side again, even if he was by Lucy's side as well.
He didn't tell Lucy when he wrote Jude a letter. He didn't want her to know why he was writing it.
The way he saw it, he had lost everything. Half of him had died in Vietnam, and the other half was wasting away without Jude. Even if Jude came back for Lucy, to marry her and father her children and be nothing but a brother to Max, he would be okay. He wouldn't be happy, but he would be okay. As long as Jude could be happy and Lucy could be happy and Jude could be home with him.
"Come home," the letter said.
Jude responded a week later with the four simple words, "I'm on my way."

When Max saw Jude again, he forgot all the pain he'd suffered, forgot all the unrequited feelings. All that mattered was his best friend holding him tight and smiling with the pure joy of their reunion. This was the one moment that was completely unsoiled by Lucy's shadow. This was all about them. For the first time in months, Max found it hard to stop smiling as he walked Jude to his taxi.
"Ye'll have to fill me in on what's been goin' on, mate!" Jude said excitedly as he got into the car. "Tell me about Lucy."
At this, the grin faded from Max's face. Lucy? Already? He hoped he would have a little longer to pretend that his sister wasn't part of this fucked up equation, but she was all Jude could think about.
It killed him.
"Don't worry, Judey, you'll see her soon enough."
There was silence for a long time, and after a few moments, they both spoke at once,
"So ye--"
"I've been thinking--"
They laughed and Jude motioned for Max to go first. He faltered a bit, smile fading, and he found it hard to begin. "Well, erm... I've been thinking about that night..."
Jude looked over at him calculatingly, and Max pretended to be concentrating on the road. "What night?"
Max took in a breath, thought for a moment, then started again, "You remember that night at Sadie's show, before I went to 'Nam, and we left early. You remember how we... Well, I--"
Jude glanced away, running a hand through his shaggy hair. "I didn't think ye were gonna bring that up."
"So... So you remember." Max tried to fake a laugh, to act uninterested, but he was putting everything he had left into speaking his mind. If there was a chance, even a small chance that Jude could return his feelings, he had to know before he handed the man he loved back over to his sister. "Well, when I-- I kissed you--"
"Max!" This time, Jude's eyes held no indecision or laughter or anything but anger. "That wasn't about me, that was about the war, right? Ye were afraid ye were gonna die, I get it, but we don't have te talk about it!"
That was probably his answer right there, but he wasn't going to let it go. He couldn't let it go. "It was more than that, Jude. A hell of a lot more."
"Red light." Jude said quietly, and Max screeched the car to a halt, muttering a curse before taking a deep, long breath.
He stared at the road. "I love you, man." he half-whispered, swallowing hard and hoping his nerves didn't show. Jude paused, collected himself, and put a hand on Max's shoulder.
"I love ye too, Max, but yer confusin love with love. Ye don't love me like Lucy does."
Max clenched his teeth and shoved Jude's hand away, feeling the pain overflow, threatening to spill into his mouth and out his lips in a slew of unneeded words. "You're right, Jude. You're goddamn right."
"Green light," Jude whispered, but Max didn't care. He shifted the car into park and ignored the honks and shouts that came from behind him. Jude seemed worried.
"You're goddamn right I don't love you like Lucy does. I love you more than either of your happy little heads can imagine. You were the only thought that kept me alive in 'Nam. You were the only person who I imagined coming home to. You're the only person who can make me smile, the only person I'm happy with, and you're the only one, the fucking only one, who can hurt me like this! I mean LOOK AT ME!" He was shouting now, frantic, gesturing to his disheveled clothes and unshaven chin. "I'm a mess! You're goddamn right I don't love you like she does. She runs off with some fucked up revolutionary the second she gets the whim--"
"That's not fair."
"She keeps you at arms length, doesn't understand what you're trying to say or do--"
"Stop it, Max!"
"She breaks your heart over and over again, never sends you a fucking letter--"
"THAT'S ENOUGH."
Max pressed hard on the gas and they shot off through the stoplight, now turned yellow. He didn't even realize where they were going or how fast, all he knew was that Jude's eyes were wide and scared and he was looking at Max as though he were crazy. Max didn't want to look him in the eye, didn't want Jude to see that he was about to let tears roll down his cheeks. He didn't want Jude to know how much pain he was feeling.
"Max... I... I'm in love with yer sister. Ye know that."
"Yeah."
He sped up, ignoring pedestrians and stop signs.
"And yer my best mate, ye know that too."
"Yeah." Neither of them said anything for a few minutes after that.
Finally, Jude spoke up. "Max, stop the car."
Max looked at his best friend, seeing the pity and sadness in Jude's eyes. His beautiful eyes. He thought briefly that he would probably do anything Jude asked him to right now.
Without a word, he slowed, pulled the car into an empty space on the side of the road, and turned it off. It rumbled for a moment before leaving the two in complete silence.
"Ye have te understand, Max. If I-- I mean, If I left Lucy for ye, and somethin happened between us, somethin bad, I wouldn't have ye as a friend anymore, and I wouldn't have Lucy. I can't risk losing all this."
"So you're playing it safe."
Jude paused, then with a pitifully ashamed look on his face, he nodded. "Well, Yeah. I can't be with ye and risk our friendship or everything I've got with Lucy. I can't let ye both go."
So it wasn't because he didn't love him. He never said he couldn't return Max's feelings. He never said he was disgusted or mad. This gave Max a glimmer of shameful hope. "But, what if nothing bad happened? What if we were together, really together, and we stayed that way?"
"I'd still be losing Lucy, Max."
"So that's what it comes down to, right? Which one of us you're willing to toss aside?"
"Max," Jude appealed, trying to smile at his friend. "If I stay with Lucy I won't be losing you, right? I mean, we can still be best mates!"
Max looked at Jude squarely in the eyes, trying so hard to force the stubborn Brit to listen to what he was saying. "No, Jude... We can't. I thought I could stand it if you loved her and not me, but..." he smiled sadly, shrugging. "but I can't. I can't bear to see you with her when I want you so bad for myself."
"Max..." Jude said again, raising a hand to run through Max's hair. "Max, I can't..."
Max tried to smile, but instead a grimace found its way to his lips. He was holding back tears. "I know. I know you can't, and it's been eating me up all this time. I shouldn't have expected anything, but I wanted you to... to know... before you went back to Lucy. I wanted you to know."
Jude's hand was still stroking Max's hair, and his gentle artist's fingers made their way down to the back of his friend's neck. He pulled Max in close over the divider between their seats, and touched their foreheads together. Max was practically dying with the distance between their lips.
"Max, ye know yer gonna be my best friend forever. ye've just gotta let yerself forget that ye... ye want me like that."
He took a shuddering breath, shaking from nerves and repressed tears. "You said that you couldn't leave Lucy for me. I understand. Now I'm telling you something I can't do. I can't forget that I love you." Jude was about to pull away, but Max brought his hands to rest on Jude's shoulders, holding him in place. "I love you."
He shouldn't have done what he did next, but he couldn't help himself. With half-lidded eyes, he closed the last little distance between them, pressing his lips to Jude's and tasting what he had only tasted once. After all the things he had said, one would think that Jude would have stopped the kiss before it started, but he didn't. Max thanked God he didn't. Instead, Max felt the other's lips begin to press closer as well, press harder. He felt Jude's fingers curl in his hair and suddenly their mouths were open in a gasp for air. It should have ended then, but for once, Max was getting what he wanted. Jude's lips were there for the taking, and he wanted them again. So he fisted his hands in Jude's shirt and pulled him so close to himself that it felt as though they would mesh, become one for a moment. Their mouths certainly did. Jude didn't object, in fact, the way his tongue battled with Max's for dominance, for a desperate taste of the other's mouth, it seemed he loved this almost as much as Max did. He was hungry for it, passionate for it, and while Max noticed Jude's hands wandering down his body, he wondered why, if it could be like this, would he stay with Lucy? When next they came up for air, Jude gasped and stopped his hands from sliding down Max's chest. Instead, he pushed his friend away. "Max!" the way he said it was harsh and quick, and Max winced, looking betrayed and hurt.
Jude was panting a little when next he spoke, still reeling from the effect of their kiss. "I don't know what ye want from me."
This was the last straw for Max, the last mixed signal, the last sign from God that they weren't meant to be together. "I have been..." he started, clenching his teeth and fists with the pent up frustration, "I have been nothing but honest with you, Jude. Nothing but fucking honest! You say you don't know what I want?! That's a load of bullshit, cause I think the real problem is that you don't know what you want." He settled back in his seat, touching his own lips for a second before shaking his head and turning the key in the ignition. "You might want to give that a thought before you go running back to what's easiest."
He didn't look at Jude for the rest of the car ride. He couldn't bring himself to. He wanted to apologize and for a second he almost did, but then he realized something he should have figured out a long time before.This was Jude's fucking mess. Max was Jude's mess...
And there was so much to clean up.