4. I DREAMED A DREAM

FANTINE:
There was a time I'd hit it big
When reviews were all good
Finding work wasn't patchy.
Every night, I had a gig
And the world was a song
And the song was so catchy!
There was a time... then it all went wrong.

I was the queen in time gone by,
When Sarah Brightman starred in Phantom.
When Michael Ball dressed like a guy
And people thought that he was handsome.

When I was young and half my size
And when I wasn't saggy-breasted.
There were no stretch marks on my thighs
Not one night was I unmolested.

But those days are gone, all right
And with them has gone my good name
And now I've got cellulite
And my dreams have turned to shaaaaaaaame!

Botoxed 'till I can't move my face
Had lipo, lifts, implants, worked out hard.
Should I give up and age with grace
And star in Sunset Boulevard?

And still I dream, they'll come to me
And say, "Please, come star in Chicago!"
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are new tricks no old dogs know.

Now, here I am, cast as Fantine
I was the star back in my twenties.
Now, belt one song and die next scene...
Seems Broadway's overthrown its queen.

.

5. LOVELY LADIES

SAILOR:
I smell women, smell 'em in the air!

That's 'cos they're so sweaty in those rags they have to wear.

SAILOR 2:
Ugly ladies, starring in this play.

People wonder why so many guys in here are gay.

SAILOR 3:

Even actors have some standards, eh?

LADIES:
Ugly ladies, that's all this show's got.

Wearing clothes like this, not even Tyra Banks looks hot.

Ugly ladies, any guy would shun.
Even the romantic lead is dressed up like a nun.

Smearing dirt all over's not that fun!

(Fantine walks by. Of all of the costumes/wigs/makeup designs in the show, hers is the prettiest, or shall I say, least hideous. Immediately, a horrible looking old woman limps up toward her.)

HORRIBLE OLD WOMAN:

Come here, my dear

I like that dress you've got on.

It's not half bad.

FANTINE: (Eying the woman's dress)

Unlike that hideous sack.

HORRIBLE OLD WOMAN:
Don't scoff too soon.

You'll have to change in a bit.

Give you a tip—

Just change, try not to look back.

Forget your pride

Your self-esteem

Try not to puke

Try not to scream.

Now, don't get mad.

My dear, we all look just as bad.

LADIES:

Ugly ladies, that's what they assume.

We looked great before we stepped into the dressing room.

GIRL:
Long waists, short waists

All waists disappear

In these nasty dresses that accentuate the rear.

LADIES:
Why'd I quit my modeling career?

HORRIBLE OLD WOMAN:
What pretty hair!
What pretty locks you got there!
Nice wig indeed, and in this show, that's quite rare.

But, oh so sad,

Looks like the curls have to go.

FANTINE:
Hey, what? But why?

HORRIBLE OLD WOMAN:

This show was written by men.

And frankly they

Don't care a sous

About how these things look on you.

But hey, cheer up! It gets worse yet—

I understudy for Cosette!

SAILOR 3:

Ugly lady, fancy we should meet.

If I hadn't known, I'd think you'd come in off the street.

Ugly lady, please don't come too close.

Doesn't take a genius to deduce that you look gross.

Little wonder you look so morose!

(Fantine comes back in a disgusting dress in the worst possible design for her body type and worst possible colour for her complexion. She's got on hideous makeup and a short wig that looks like a small dead animal.)

PIMP:
Give me the dirt, what's that thing over there?

GIRL:

What's with that skirt—who the heck did her hair?

GIRL 2:
Hardly a prize when she came in at first.

It's no surprise now she looks even worse.

PIMP:
Ugly lady, walk along, avoid us

Ugly lady!

GIRL 2: (Sympathetically)
You look like you've been hit by a bus.

You're no worse off than the rest of us.

At least there's no more that you have to bequeath

Read the book, kid, Fantine sells her front teeth!

(Fantine goes off with one of the sailors, who surreptitiously puts on rubber gloves before grabbing her arm.)

GIRL:

Sorry, sailor, I know she's not too hot.

I know, sailor, but she's the best we've got…

LADIES:
Old men, young men, somehow they look great

Flouncy jackets, waistcoats, long hair, everything first rate.

Poor men, rich men, Enj and Montparnasse

See 'em in those trousers and you want to pinch their…

SOME GUY:
Come on ladies, no need to be crass!

LADIES:

Ugly ladies, singing in this song.

Meanwhile, all the guys look cute

And somehow that feels wrong.

FANTINE:
I can't wait to put on normal shoes.

Seeing this thing in the mirror's giving me the blues.

Death scene's easy, lying on a bed

Just as well, they can't see that I'm bored out of my head.

Three more songs to go before my character is dead!