How Do You Do?

Authors: OTP and MSD (MoonStarDutchess)

Disclaimer: We don't own FMA

AN: Well, here we are bringing you the first of quite a few oneshots. We hope you enjoy this.

Warning: Sexual humor and quite cracktaular.

How Do You Do?

Roy and Riza sat in the car in front of his parent's house. He was finally bringing Riza to his home to meet his family. He was nervous about this, since his family were sometimes...over the top. He had told Riza all he could to make sure she was ready to meet them due to his paranoia.

"What's my mother's favorite food?" he asked.

"A big pile of mashed potatoes with lots of brown gravy with a side of raw human flesh," Riza joked. She couldn't help it. She thought Roy was much too nervous over this first meeting. She wasn't nervous in the slightest. They were only people and she could always leave if things got too horrible.

He frowned, "That was not funny Riza. I'm being serious here."

"That's a first, I feel like the roles are reversed," she said. "I am in a silly mood."

He crossed his arms, "Riza, please, you have no idea what my family is really like. They-"

"Roy, you forget what my grandfather is like. Your mother and three sisters can't be that bad. As for your father, he sounds like a nice person." She sighed when she saw his paranoid look. Fine fine, you mother's favorite food is rice with shrimp and soy sauce . . . With a side of human flesh."

Roy groaned, tonight was going to be horrible. Riza just didn't seem to understand the severity of the situation. She was grinning when she should have been tight lipped and nervous . . . or so he thought. "No more wisecracks Riza. This is a very important moment for us," he said, trying to regain control of the situation.

"Why? You are going to dump me if your mommy doesn't like me?" She reached over to stroke his face and kiss his cheek.

He sighed, leaning into her hand, "No, nothing like that. I'd never dump you for anything. I love you too much." He smiled. He took her hand in his, his smile fading. "My mother just tends to go overboard with things. I'm worried she might say something that might hurt you."

"Roy, do I have permission to bite back? Because you know me, I don't take anyone's shit and that includes your mother's."

Roy grinned and kissed her, "Of course you can bite back." He shook his head. "Sorry about being so worried about this, it must be driving you mad," he said jokingly.

"No more than your usual antics," she said. "Now, should I have brought human flesh?"

He laughed and kissed her one more time before he opened his car door, got out, and shut it back. He came around the side to open Riza's door. He took her hand and finally replied, "That depends; she likes it medium well."

--

Riza and Roy made their way up to the door of the huge two-story house. "We aren't going to buy a house this big when we marry are we?" Riza cursed inwardly when she realized what she'd said and looked away. She shouldn't have said that. Roy never even mentioned marriage to her yet.

He looked thoughtful for a moment then he smiled, "That depends." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a velvet box. "Do you want a house this big?" he asked holding the box out to her.

Riza's eyes widened. "Wha... now? You are proposing just as we are meeting your family?" She was in absolute shock.

He shrugged, "Mayyybe." he said, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He was trying hard to look completely innocent. She smiled and kissed him passionately. He lost his balance and fell onto the floor, she landing on top of him.

"It wasn't as romantic as I thought it would be but yes, I'll marry you."

Roy smiled widely, slipped the ring on her finger, and kissed her as the door to the house opened.

Roy's father gazed at the couple. "That's my boy!" he said. Riza and Roy stood up quickly and dusted off their clothes. Riza blushed slightly at being caught in such a position by Roy's dad.

Roy rolled his eyes again and barely managed to squeeze out a "Hi Dad" before he was trapped in a bone-crushing hug.

Riza laughed but it was cut off by being engulfed in a hug as well. She almost squealed as she was lifted off the ground by the strong man. After being put down, she smiled politely.

"So you are the woman that has snagged my playboy son," the man said.

"I beg your pardon? Are you calling me a playboy?" Roy asked, crossing his arms and trying to look intimidating.

"That look doesn't work with me boy. Now, why don't you introduce me to this lovely vision here before she decides to leave?"

"Dang," Roy said in mock disappointment as he pulled Riza closer to his side. "This is Riza Hawkeye, my fiancée. Riza this is my father, Robert Mustang."

"Pleasure sir," she said. She would never tell Roy that his dad's personality reminded her of Armstrong slightly.

Before Robert could say anything more, a woman's voice fell upon their ears. "Robert dear, don't make them stand on the doorstep all night, let them in and closed the door."

Riza felt Roy squeeze her hand. She leaned in to whisper in his ear. "Your father squeezed us so tightly I think we are nice and tenderized flesh."

Roy struggled to contain his laughter.

"It's nice to see you Roy," said a tall woman in a blue dress shirt with khaki pants. She looked like one of those wives on those stupid soap operas. Roy stiffened.

"Hi mother," he said.

Riza just didn't know what to make of the woman. Roy didn't look much like either of his parents. The only thing he took after them were their dark hair and eyes. Roy's skin tone was much paler and body type was completely different. Both of his parents were quite tall while Roy was medium height.

She walked over to Roy and Riza and gave Roy a hug, and then directed her gaze at Riza. "So this is the woman I've heard so much about." She came to stand right in front of Riza and gazed at her intently for a few awkward moments then she broke into a smile, "Welcome, I'm Robin Mustang. How do you do?"

"Hello," Riza said, extending her hand. She was surprised at the outburst of friendliness. She met the woman's gaze with her own. The woman was hiding something, she could tell. Riza prepared herself for whatever she may come across inside the large home.

Robin looked at Riza's hand and shook her head, "No that simply will not do dear. You are going to be part of this family and as such you will act accordingly." She grinned and gave her a hug.

Roy stared. This simply wasn't possible. His mother was hugging Riza. That's when he became suspicious. Oh yes, his family was up to something. He frowned, it was time to find out where the rest of the family was, "Mother?" he cleared his throat. "Where are my sisters?"

"Why, your sisters are in the dining room getting things ready," Roy's mother said.

Roy's eyes narrowed slightly, "Getting ready for what?" he asked

"Come, come inside," Robin said, ushering Riza inside. Roy quickly grabbed his lover's hand, not intending to let go until he knew exactly what was going on. Robert watched them all go in and sighed. When his son finally got a fiancée, those women were going to scare her off. He sighed again and walked inside, shutting the door behind him.

Robin arrived at the dining room and called out, "Is everything ready girls?"

"Yes mother," the three girls said all in unison. Roy's stomach dropped. When Rissy, Renate, and Regina got along in perfect unison that usually equaled extreme embarrassment for him.

Robin clapped her hands together in excitement, "Wonderful! This way you two." she chimed happily, leading them into the dining room. Upon entering, Roy's jaw dropped and his face turned red.

Roy gazed around and saw banners of all kinds and different kinds of sexual innuendo type things. The foods on the table were wieners, corndogs, long cream filled puffs, and penis and vagina shaped cakes. There was a whip leaning over the chair, handcuffs on the table, a mannequin with a maids outfit on, and a few other sexual toys. That wasn't' the most horrible part. The most horrible things were the numerous banners that hung in the room His family was crazy but he didn't think they'd pull this. He looked to his father who looked as surprised as he did.

"I think this is the worst thing they've ever done," he heard his father mutter.

Riza didn't let her shock show. Why were his mother and sister's doing this to him? She felt him tense up and knew she would have to do something to alleviate his stress. This was ridiculous. Her eyes gazed over each banner.

"Nothing can get you down with Viagra! Getting laid the old-fashioned way. Big things come in bed. It's takes a swell to make her yell."

"This is quite...interesting," Riza said to their shocked faces.

Roy wanted to shrivel up and die of embarrassment. He couldn't believe that his family would embarrass him like this. "Kill me now..." he murmured, covering his face with his hand. This was the worst thing his mother and sisters ever did.

"Hey, that's great!" she said, in what Roy recognized as her acting excited tone. He looked up to see her with the whip in her hand. "I have one of these. Roy quite enjoys it. They go great with handcuffs," she said, directing her gaze at his mother. She was going to get even for this by turning the tables and embarrassing them.

Robin forced herself to smile, "Oh really? How very...interesting." she said.

Roy smiled, getting exactly what Riza was doing. She was going to turn the tables in a way that only the lovely sniper could. "Oh yes, she uses those all the time," Roy said. "Quite enjoyable."

"And where did you get that outfit?" Riza said, walking over to the mannequin. "I couldn't find the French maid one so I had to buy the 'nurse wants poked' and the 'horny little devil outfits.'"

Roy's dad caught on to what she was doing and tried to hold in his laugh. Riza would be a perfect addition to the family.

His sisters had horrified expressions on their faces. Roy chuckled, "But Riza, you know I like the nurse one."

"Yes, you are always the one poking me with your big thermometer. Besides, you know my fascination with feathers, that duster would be wonderful to own."

Roy nodded, "The duster would be nice, but you know I'm ticklish. We might not get much done if I was laughing the whole time." he smirked.

"I suppose," Riza said, and walked toward the banners. She read the first one aloud. "Nothing can get you down with Viagra. Well Roy can get me down on my back without it so this shouldn't be hanging up," she said, tearing down the banner and going over to the next one. "Getting laid the old fashion way? We definitely don't do that." She glanced over at Roy's sisters. "Your brother is quite creative at finding new ways to get the job done," she said and tore down that banner.

Roy was smiling, trying hard to keep his laughter under control. He glanced at his sisters and he almost cracked at their horrified expressions. He turned to gaze at his mother whose mouth was slightly open in shock and her eyes wide with horror. Damn he loved Riza so much.

Riza walked over to the third banner and read it aloud. "Big things come in bed. Well Roy tends to come in me everywhere we decide to have sex. So this isn't true," she said tearing that banner down. Then she came to the last banner. "It takes a swell to make her yell. Well I will have to say that this is true since Roy can make me scream like a banshee. I mean the neighbors even once called the cops because they thought I was being assaulted. Let's leave this one up." She walked back over to Roy and smiled brightly.

Roy embraced her and gave her a big kiss. When he pulled away, he whispered 'thanks' into her ear.

"You're welcome," she whispered back. "Now can we leave a bit prematurely? I really really want to try out this duster on you."

AN: OTP and I plan to write a bunch of oneshots (not all of them perverted like this). So those who like our writing please keep a look out. Much Love and please review.