A/N: Writing some more of these guides. The was reading through my other two guides and I missed that I misspelled guides. Thanks so much for the encouragement. My delay in writing more manuals is a short story for English class, another short story, and plus a really long persuasive essay on why we shouldn't trade with China. Speaking of China, I started to watch Water Margin, which greatly disappointed me. Volumes one and two were done great especially Lin Chong's story. The third and fourth volumes are utterly crappy cutting out many things in the plot and characters. They cut out some of the characters that I greatly enjoyed like Zhang Qin, Zhu Tong, and Guan Sheng. Many countless characters got cut and so did many of the stories. I'm going to buy the drama Romance of the Three Kingdoms soon. I hope it's much better than Water Margin.
Warnings: Like all of my guilds I use references from the novel, history, game, and my sense of humor.
Let's see here I have a ZHAO YUN in pretty dragon armor, LU BU in perfect fighting form, a sexy SUN CE, a deformed ZHOU YU unit and it's been the fifth time this year that I had him covered under warranty, a stylish ZHANG HE, and my absolute favorite my GUAN YU unit! But who is this in the box? I just ordered a ZHUGE LIANG unit which I delayed ordering since I kept having ZHOU YU fixed, but I also ordered a XIAHOU DUN and a CAO CAO. I wounder what unit came to complete my sick Dynasty Warriors collect. Wait where is the catalogue for Water Margin units since a LIN CHONG unit is at the top of my list drool. I tore open the crate, and out came the unit which would help anyone take over the world, well half of it anyways not until my ZHUGE LIANG came. My pure excitement made me do a "potty dance".
Congratulations
You are now the proud owner of the brand new CAO CAO unit. We are happy that you have done business with our company, a great, reliable, company that his been making two units for six months now. To insure that your tyrant, ruler, pervert, general, leader, father to too many children, husband to the entire women population, and founder of Wei lives a happy, productive, cunning, opportunist, deceitful, pleasureful life please operate him according to this guide.
Technical Specifications
Name: Family-Cao (the falling tone), Given name- Cao (the straight tone) Note: To the Chinese these characters are different in writing and speaking.
Pronunciation: Ts'ao Ts'ao like the word zwei in German or the letter z inGerman. Thanks to the pinyin system we get COW COW. Wades-gild romanization is correct, but isn't pretty and hurts the eyes.
Things named after him: General Tsao's chicken.
Style name: Mengde
Posthumous name: Emperor of Wu (A/N: The last time I checked the Sun family ruled Wu, or maybe Wu means martial)
Infant names: Cao Man, Ah Man, and Ji Li
Temple names: Wudi and Taizu (A/N: Really? People worship CAO CAO, but I thought that only GUAN YU was a god.)
Allies: Hero of Chaos, Villain of the Three Kingdoms, Chancellor of the Han, Traitor of the Han, Ducky hat, Mega perv, Man with twenty wives and fifty children, Chinese take-out hat, Cow Cow, Xiahou Cao, the Cow, and Moo moo
Historical leaders that may resemble CAO CAO:
Anti-wei version: MAO ZEDONG, JOESPH STALIN, ADOLF HITLER, PETER the GREAT
Pro-wei version: CHURCHILL, FRANKLIN D. ROOSVELT, JULIUS CAESAR, ALEXANDER the GREAT
Clone: ODA NOBUNAGA
Type: Founder of Kingdom of Wei
Manufacture: Koei Omega Force, Dynasty Warriors edition, Kingdom of Wei collection, Leaders of Wei volume #1, the greatest leader of Ancient China special edition
Date of Manufacture: Circa 155 A.D.
Default age: Thirty-six (36) years old
Place of Manufacture: Qiao County, present day Bozhou, Anhai (Mulan came from here too)
Height: Five (5) feet, eight (8) inches tall
Weight: Fatter than DONG ZHOU
Length: Long and sharp
Accessories
One (1) royal blue battle robe
One (1) purple robe
Two (2) pairs of matching pants
One (1) matching girdle outlined in blood red
One (1) chain mail girdle
One (1) red breast plate to protect the shoulders
One (1) leather belt
One (1) jade belt
One (1) pair of chain mail for the legs
One (1) pair of leather boots
One (1) blue dragon sash
One (1) ducky head ornament for laughter (thanks San comics!)
Two (2) crazy head ornaments that resemble Chinese take-out boxes which have pins to keep your CAO CAO unit's top knot in place
One (1) extremely rare Luminous sword caution ZHAO YUN might steal it
One (1) Wraft of Heaven sword
One (1) Shadowless stead (the shadow harness)
One (1) Flying Lightening stead (the lightening harness)
Additional Accessories (sold separately)
One (1) DIAN WEI bodyguard unit
One (1) XU ZHU bodyguard unit
One (1) arrogant son unit named CAO PI
Installation
This unit isn't that hard to operate just open the crate, and instant CAO CAO unless his head exploded from seeing a GUAN YU unit's disembodied head.
Uses
CAO CAO is one of the best multi-purpose units on the market besides ZHUGE LIANG. CAO CAO may be one of the most expensive, but he's worth all of your hard earned money.
1. Husband- No matter how hard you try, you couldn't even get your horny boyfriend to be your husband? Not to worry fangirl, by owning this unit you will highly improve your chance at a love life. CAO CAO would take almost any woman to be his wife no matter if it's yo mamma. If you impress CAO CAO enough he would ask for your hand in marriage as wife number one thousand, seven hundred, and forty-six, which isn't that difficult of a feat say as trying to marry a ZHOU YU or GUAN YU unit. Even if you aren't a favorite lover of his you still get treated better than most women in their lifetimes this includes the sex too. If your CAO CAO unit takes you as his wife, he'll want you to bear his children just like a MIROKU unit.
2. Assassin- Did you know that CAO CAO killed forty-seven people during the golden age of Chinese chivalry and had the most kills among all of the Three Kingdoms warriors/warlords? Just provide your CAO CAO unit with one of the swords included in the package, and tell him who to wack. A word of caution CAO CAO will kill people for no reason, but he'll never touch a woman ever, no wait he killed EMPRESS DONG in the novel.
3. Writer- Are you tired of your writing being mediocre just because you have poor editing/writing skills? Your dream has came true because the CAO CAO unit isn't just a warlord but a poet too. With much patience, CAO CAO will teach you how to write that epic novel which you had stuck in your head for almost five years. Most owners of CAO CAO units become best selling authors, so you never had to worry about money again. Opps even before you become a best selling author you still are rich if you are a wife of CAO CAO.
4. Conquer- This function is the most popular of the CAO CAO unit besides husband for the rabid, horny, virgin fangirls. Many psychotic people wish to rule the world, owning a CAO CAO unit will make that dream come true. Just tell CAO CAO what part which you wish to rule then your CAO CAO unit will assemble a huge army and even an army from his defeated foes.
5. LU BU killer- Is your new GUAN YU unit having troubles with LU BU? Buying a CAO CAO unit is your only solution. Make CAO CAO and his army siege LU BU's house, and no more LU BU problem.
Modes
Villain (default)
Pervert
Husband
Leader
Loyal husband (locked)
Founder of a new dynasty that brings China into the golden age (fantasy dream only)
Cleaning
Like almost every unit, CAO CAO requires a daily bath. Remember to clean below the belt, or he will be nasty down there.
Lubrication
Having all of those wives, CAO CAO does get dry and can't make lubrication of his own. It would be best recommended to use lubrication for you both of you.
Energy
Since CAO CAO is a warlord and goes on many campaigns, he mostly eats grain. Please note that the cost of rice is up, so feeding your CAO CAO unit maybe expensive. If you need help feeding CAO CAO's massive hoards, steal from free rice dot com.
Interactions
LIU BEI- He was a friend of CAO CAO before the fall of the Han, but when the Three Kingdoms emerge they will become enemies.
GUAN YU- A very good choice if you want a non-wei friend for CAO CAO. This unit will never harm him unless his head is chopped off.
XIAHOU DUN- He is CAO CAO's cousin and will fight for him to the grave.
XIAHOU YUAN- The XIAHOU DUN unit's younger brother. Will also fight to the grave for.
SIMA YI- You better watch out for this unit because this unit's son usurpers the house of CAO. His grandson founded the crapstatic Jin dynasty.
DIAN WEI- CAO CAO unit's strongest bodyguard. Will sacrifice his life for CAO CAO. Make sure this bodyguard does not go into burning castles.
ZHU CHU- CAO CAO's fat and stupid bodyguard. He may annoy your CAO CAO unit.
XIAO QIAO and DA QIAO- Your CAO CAO unit will try to add these units to his harem. He is in love them with. CAO CAO plus QIAO sisters equals sick pedophile.
SUN QUAN- His historical nemesis. Please keep away.
Warnings
Owners of a LU BU unit must make a hard decision, LU BU or CAO CAO. You can't have both living in your house, because LU BU's only known weaknesses are DIAO CHAN and CAO CAO. Please note you may have a LIU BEI unit, a CAO CAO unit, and a GUAN YU unit all living together in harmony. Never ever let your CAO CAO unit see the disembodied head of a GUAN YU unit and that includes a fake one. If your CAO CAO seem GUAN YU's head, please take him to the doctor imminently. There might be something wrong with brain (i.e tumor, stroke, brain cancer, exploding head etc). If he needs surgery, make sure he gets it because it will add more years to his use. Another word of caution, never put your CAO CAO unit in a cow suit. This will cause him to hate you for years to come. If you continue to call your CAO CAO unit, COW COW, instead of TS'AO TS'AO like those fuckarded talentless voice actors this will cause so much trouble. Be careful about the QIAO sisters because CAO CAO might kidnapped them and make them his sex slaves. CAO CAO has a habit of plagiarising books or stealing ideas. Remember SUN ZI's Art of War? Well, CAO CAO wrote commentary, which were just on a few verses!
Faq
Question: This guide really sux balls. I think I can crap out better writings than this piece of flaming dog shit worse than Xiaoqiaorocks stories. Why Coco puffs anyways? Do Lu Bei, because he's that cool green guy.
Answer: Your response reminds me of the letters in Dear Abby, Avatar edition. Let's see you write better than this wise guy. Xiaoqiao's writing isn't that bad, but it's funny and pointless writing I enjoy reading. By the way, who in the hell is Lu Bai anyways? But I think I heard of that name somewhere. Or do you mean LIU Bei? I will eventually get around to writing a LIU BEI guide.
Question: Water Margin is extremely cool. Please do a Lin Chong guide.
Answer: Lin Chong is a semi-fictitious character in history :( It is not even proven that he lived, and plus I have very little information on him even though he is my favorite Water Margin character.
Question: If you can't do a Lin Chong guide, then can you please do Oda Nobunaga or some cool Japanese warlord/warrior.
Answer: I might, but I prefer Dynasty Warriors to Samurai Warriors. The Samurai Warriors selection seems rather lacking, but I have no promises. Please I beg of you ask some questions about CAO CAO already.
Question: What should I do if my CAO CAO unit assembles a large navy fleet?
Answer: This sounds like a prelude to the Battle of Chi Bi. If CAO CAO stops the boats from being chained, the prayer for the wind, and HUANG GAI setting fire to the ships, your CAO CAO unit will likely conquer the land and find a new dynasty named after a random Chinese word.
Troubleshooting
Problem: My little brother squirts milk and moos at my CAO CAO unit. My CAO CAO unit killed my little brother. I need help.
Solution: You didn't read all the the warnings. First off, did you really pronounce his name correctly? Pronouncing his name COW COW instead of TS'AO TS'AO will cause many difficulties.
Problem: Whenever I turn my back on CAO CAO he has more "wives" in his arms.
Solution: If you would turn off his pervert mode and switch it to loyal husband (locked), the problem will solve itself, but remember CAO CAO has many wives.
Problem: I think that CAO CAO is cheating on me what shall I do?
Solution: Are you sure that you unlocked the loyal husband mode? Go to one of the popular trash-TV talk shows like JERRY SPRINGER and MAURY. Make sure he takes a lie detector test.
Warranty
The other two units, the ZHOU YU unit and the GUAN YU, both had warranties; however, CAO CAO does not. The reason is because CAO CAO is very hard to assassinate. A CAO CAO unit is a very long last one. Just as long as you bought a ZHU CHU unit and a DIAN WEI unit for his bodyguards to prolong is life.
Notes
With proper care and maintenance according to this manual, your CAO CAO unit will lead a fulling, happy, productive, conquering and sex-filled life.
Contact information
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