This is my best peice of work so far. Here's all that info you need to know:

character ages: will be named in story

rating: M for a few lemons and lime. That's not the focus of the story, tho.

POV: Shinji's. (Paul's)

list of shippings:

main shippings: Ikarishipping, Comashipping

other hinted/mentioned ships: Advance, Pearl. But barely any. don't worry about it if you dispise any of those ships. it won't be a problem for you.

I hope you like this fic so far as much as I do! This was the only fic that I've worked a few days on a single chapter of. I made this absolutely perfect. Please enjoy it and please, please, reveiw it!

Discover

Life hasn't been easy the entire time I have been alive. I didn't need something to double it up. I didn't need more to think about. I didn't need anything else to bother me. Too bad something like that happened anyway.

I guess you could say Dawn started it. Even that wouldn't be entirely true. Actually, when I met Dawn things started getting better. I met her seven years ago, back when she was ten and I was twelve. She always wanted to know my story; she always wanted to know why I'm never happy. Why I am how I am. She would ask me at every opportunity she got, but I would never tell her. Until one day I decided I wanted her out of my hair, and I just spilled. I was tired of her begging, plus there was something about her. Something that made me want to be with her. Something that made me need to tell her. She listened, paying great attention. When I was done explaining my life to her, she wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly. "I'll be your best friend. I'll be with you forever." At first I thought this was annoying, pathetic, even, but I warmed up to her eventually and we've been close ever since. 'Best friends' You could say. Whenever I was around her she would make me feel good. It made me want to be with her more and more. I never dared show it to her, though. I didn't know what would happen if she knew I felt that attached to her.

Eventually, our relationship turned to romance, and we began to date. At the time, it was the best thing that had happened to me. Three years ago. I still remember it clearly. We were at my house, on the couch, watching TV. I was sitting up and she was laying down, her head in my lap. I was tousling her hair, practically caressing it. She suddenly turned over, so that she was laying on her back and no longer facing the TV screen. She looked up at me.

"Paul?" She said. Her voice was quiet and questioning.

"What?" I looked down, staring into her eyes. They were a clear crystal blue, and I had to look away, slightly, to keep myself from getting lost in them.

"Well…we've known each other for four years now…and I think I should tell you something." She began, twisting her fingers around, nervously.

I grabbed the remote and muted the TV, making it easier to hear what she was about to say. "What is it?"

"Um…I've liked you…like, as more than a friend…for awhile now." A blush spread across her face.

"Really?"

"Y-yeah. I just thought I'd tell you. It's not a big deal…and I don't want it to ruin our friendship or anyth-"

I cut her off with "I like you back." That was my first mistake. I can't really blame myself though, because I thought that I liked her. I really thought I liked her. I actually believed it. When I said that, her face lit up and she gave me the biggest smile I had ever seen. "Ask me out then!" she said cutely.

I couldn't refuse that look, that smile she gave me. "Um…okay. Go out with me."

"YES!" She sat up and threw her arms around me, embracing me tightly. I slowly wrapped my arms around her, and closed my eyes. My lips curled to a smile. At that moment, I forgot about everything else. It was just Dawn and me that mattered.

Since then, our relationship has gotten much stronger. Our first kiss was only a day after we became an item, which I also remember clearly. We were in a movie theater, watching some stupid chick flick she dragged me into. I leaned over and whispered that I was bored. She smiled at me and whispered back "I'll give you something to do." She grabbed my wrist with her left hand and placed her right on my shoulder. She kissed me gently. I kissed her back. Second mistake. I was throwing myself into deep trouble, and the worst thing was, I was enjoying it.

After that, our relationship snowballed fast. And now we're seventeen and nineteen, and still together. I really wish I wasn't questioning it so much. I should be as completely devoted as she is. But I'm not. The problem is, I'm starting to question my sexuality. I never thought I could be gay, but now I feel like I am. I don't really feel an attraction to Dawn anymore. Or at least, not as much as I used to. When she kisses me, when she touches me…it just doesn't feel as good as it did a year ago. And I don't get erections as much around her anymore. I guess that means she doesn't 'excite' me enough. I don't want to be gay, really. I like Dawn, a lot. She's really nice, and I can trust her. I want to be with her. But I don't love her like she does me. I just see her as a girl. A really, really nice girl. A girl that's been close to me for years. That's in love with me. But I can't break up with her. I don't want to hurt her that much. I really don't. Plus I'm not even sure that that would be best. I'm not one hundred percent sure I don't like her romantically. I don't want to destroy something I may miss once gone. But I'm pretty sure I don't love her.

I need to stop dreaming. At this rate, I'll be marrying her in two years. I'm in a position I'm sure many guys would kill to be in. I've got this beautiful girl that loves me to death. I've been dating her for three years. Any guy would love to be me. So why am I not satisfied?

I want to talk to Dawn about it. But I know that if I do she'd hate it. Hate me. She wouldn't be able to take it. She's the only one I have. I don't have anyone else to talk to. My family abandoned me, and I don't have any friends. I used to talk to her about everything. But now, I'm on my own. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. Lost and alone. Even when I'm with her, I feel alone.

"Paul!"

She's calling me. Where is she? Oh, downstairs. I forgot that I gave her a key to my apartment.

"Coming, Dawn!" I called back. I took one last look at myself in my mirror. I stared at my eyes. I hated that weak look they possessed. I needed to be stronger. I didn't like seeing myself so weak and helpless. That just wasn't me.

"No, I'll come up there!" She called back, and began walking up the stairs, to my bedroom. I knew why she was here. I knew why she was coming to my bedroom. I knew well.

"Hey." I said when she walked into my room and closed the door behind her. She was wearing a dark blue tank top with lace, and short jean shorts. Last year, I would've gotten hard just looking at her.

"Hey." She replied, taking off her sweatshirt and hanging it over my headboard. She sat on my bed. "How are you?"

"Okay. You?" I sat on the bed next to her.

"I'm good." She replied. She slowly took hold of my arm and began kissing me. I forced myself to close my eyes and kiss her back. She continued to kiss me while snaking her arms up my shirt. She broke away from my lips to take my shirt off, then continued to kiss me. She ran her hands up and down my chest, then pushed me. I fell backwards, landing on my back with her on top of me.

I pushed her off of me and turned to my side. I shoved my hands up her shirt, grabbing what I found. Something small inside of me wished I she wasn't here right now. It wished I didn't have to do this. But I pushed that to the back of my mind and ignored it. It's not important.

She stopped kissing me and took off her shirt. She then unhooked her bra and took that off. She lay back down. I knew what she was waiting for. I knew she expected me to touch her. She expected me to squeeze one of her breasts wile sucking on the other. I knew the drill. I took her breasts in my hands and began massaging them. She placed her hands on my stomach and drove them down my pants. She felt around for a few moments, then said quietly: "Paul."

I knew what she was going to say. But I gave in anyway. I stopped licking her and said "What?"

"Why isn't it hard yet?"

How was I supposed to answer that? "How am I supposed to know?"

"Um…I don't know…sorry." She took her hands out and began to take off my pants, so I helped her. I threw them on the floor, along with my boxers. She took off her shorts, revealing pink satin underwear that was lined with lace. She slid them off and dropped them on the floor. She did the same with her underwear.

I know what she wants.

She then latched onto me, kissing and biting my neck. "I love you, Paul." She said quietly, seductively. "I really love you."

I didn't say it back. Whenever I do, I feel guilty. As if I'm lying to her face. Which I am…kind of. If I meant as a friend, I would be truthful. Sadly, that's not what she means.

She continued to stroke my…um…softness. She wanted it to be hard. Because then we can do it. Half of me didn't want to do it. But the other half wanted to. Some people day that gay men can't have sex with girls. If that was true, then I'm not gay. Because if we've done it once before, and I'm sure we're about to do it again. If I did it with Dawn one more time, I would know if I really like it or not. Last time it wasn't the best experience. But they say that the first time is never good. So maybe this time I'll like it. Maybe.

"Paul, really, something's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong with me." I replied dryly.

"It's still soft."

"I know that."

"What's wrong?"

"I told you, nothing."

"This is the third time this has happened."

"I know that." What, did she think I have short-term memory loss? But it's true, the first time we attempted to have sex my dick wouldn't harden.

She made this high-pitched whiney sound.

"Sorry…"

"I really thought we were gonna do it today."

"The day's not over yet." Why the hell did I say that? I should've sent her home. I should've said 'not today'. I should've gotten off of the bed and put back on my boxers and pants. But I didn't. I didn't.

"Is it gonna get hard?"

I wish she would stop throwing me these kind of questions. "I don't know. Probably."

"Good." She kissed my cheek.

'When did I ever say I wanted to do it?' I could never ask that. But that was what I was wondering. I really feel like she's dominant here. It's always the guy that's leading the girl on and the girl that questions it. That's pathetic.

She sat up and crawled to my hip. She bent down and began licking my groin area. When that has no effect, she took it in her mouth and sucked on it. That did it. I began to get hard as she let go and smiled to herself.

"I did it!" She whispered.

"I know."

"So let's do it!"

"You sure?" I thought the girl was supposed to be the one to 'not be ready yet' all the time. She's more ready then I am.

"Positive." She picked her shorts up off the floor and dug into one of the pockets. She pulled out a condom. "Here." She handed it to me.

I put it on. I'm starting to wonder where she gets all these. Every time it's a different color.

I took a deep breath. "Okay." She lay down as I sat up and kneeled over her. I gingerly spread her legs. 'Stop. Stop right now. Get off the bed. Tell her no.' But I didn't listen to whatever was saying that. I concentrated on getting my hardness in the right place. It was a lot harder then it looked. I don't even know how I managed to do it so easily last time. I finally got it in, and began to slowly push, then thrust.

Oh god…

I lay on top of her and continued to thrust. She wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me to her.

"Faster…"

I honestly wasn't really controlling what I was doing. But I did my best to speed it up anyway.

"I love you…I love you…" By the way she said that, it was obvious she was greatly enjoying it much more than last time.

But…

I wasn't.

I got off of her and pulled off the condom. I threw it in the trash and lay next to her. She held on to me and nuzzled my shoulder. "Oh, Paul! That was amazing! I love you so much, Paul, so much!"

I really wish I didn't feel so guilty. I really wish I didn't feel this guilty. Why can't I enjoy the sex I have? Oh god, there are so many things wrong with that statement.

I think I may just have to accept it…I may be gay.

I don't want to do this again. But I know Dawn will want to. How am I going to get out of this? How…?

I love it so much. I love that feeling I got in there. the whole thing seemed kinda dark. I love that. Shinji is so fun to write the POV of. don't worry, it will get more of a storyline and less of a 'this happened a few years ago' in the next chapter. Ash will also come in in the next chapter. Oh, and there will be less lemon. The whole thing isn't going to be lemon.

Please, please, please, reveiw! I hate it when people add the story to their favorites without reveiwing it first! even if you say "good". that's only four letters. or "great" that's only five. seriously i dont care. it doesnt have to be a detailed reveiw. I just like reveiws!!

than you for reading this story! I hope you'll stick around for the rest of it!