Here is the epilogue for the Ralph as comic series. While you do not need to read the first two stories in the series (Stand-Up Truth and Mini-Dasey), you must read Roasting Ralph (the third story in the series) to understand this. I'm posting this story early because I will be leaving town over the weekend and didn't want to make people wait.

Thanks for reading.

Laughing to Wake the Dead

The Epilogue to the Ralph as comic-verse

By: December

It was not a normal place for a wake. And, even after all of these years, things outside of the norm made her a little nervous because she wasn't sure of the proper way to respond to them. She didn't want to offend anyone and she especially did not want to stress out this widow or her children. That's not what friends did, after all.

Maybe it was the constant smoothing of her skirt that gave her away, but those with her picked up on her nervousness rather quickly. Her husband just squeezed her hand as a show of support. Normally, he might have teased her a little to make her smile or tell her that her concerns were silly, but this wake was hard for him as well. She felt a little guilty that her worries were adding to what he was going through.

Her daughters, on the other hand, while just as sad as the two of them over their collective loss, had a little more mental energy to deal with their mother's hang-ups.

"Mom," the oldest of her twins, Beth, started, "It will be okay. Don't worry." Her eldest smiled as she took her left hand, the hand her husband wasn't holding. The young twenty-something smiled at her nervous mother. "I admit, the location threw me at first, too. I wasn't even sure what to wear initially-"

"Because you're too much like Mom," the younger of her twins, Abby, interrupted from her position next to her father. "The two of you over-think everything. Just go with the flow. And trust Auntie on this to know what she's doing."

Auntie. That did make the older woman smile a bit. Honestly, the woman her children called "Auntie" was no blood relation to her or her husband. But, upon marrying into their friendship circle, this woman declared that she was going to be an honorary aunt to any children (except for her own) born to people in their clique. It wasn't as if the twins didn't have aunts and uncles. Her two girls had her sister, her husband's sister, and her husband's brother for aunts and an uncle. Beyond that, her best friend, his other best friend, and their spouses had all declared themselves aunts and uncles as well.

Her children were spoiled to death, but not in a way that harmed their character at all.

Still "Auntie" and her husband had a special place in their heart. So, coming to a wake for this "uncle" was hard for everyone. Not knowing the script to follow for it made it a little harder. At least for her.

As the family of four entered the club, they were met by one of the children of the deceased, "Aunt Casey, Uncle Derek. Beth. Abby. You made it."

"Of course we did," Casey said as she came forward to hug the fourteen year old boy at the door. "We love your family dearly and your father was important to us."

After she finished with her hug, her husband approached the boy next, opting for one of those man-handshakes instead of a hug. "Hey, D. How are you holding up?"

The young man, who was named after the "uncle" in front of him merely shrugged. "I'm more worried about Momma than anything else," he shared quietly. "But I think this might do her some good."

"Where is Auntie Titi, anyway?" Beth Venturi asked as came forward to hug the young man after her father stepped away.

"Holding court by the stage with Emily Rose," he replied. "I think she's more comfortable up there, actually."

"Should we-?" Casey began to ask only have the young man shake his head as if he knew her question.

"Let her get through her monologue first, Aunt Casey. Momma is bound and determined not to cry until she finishes. I think a hug from you or Aunt Emily and she'll be a basket case," the teen looked over at his honorary uncle, "And if she sees Uncle Derek blinking suspiciously, she'll definitely lose it. And you know Emily Rose cries at the drop of a hat, so if Aunt Casey sniffs and my sister proceeds to bawl, Momma won't make it through her set."

Abby nodded and her sister Beth verbalized their thoughts, "We'll talk with her later, I guess. So we should just sit somewhere?"

"Any of the tables near the front. Might as well. Momma's probably going to talk about Dasey as it is."

At that Casey blushed, Derek rolled his eyes, and their daughters laughed, although Beth stopped laughing pretty quickly and looked a little embarrassed. Abby rolled her eyes and hit her sister in the arm. "You can laugh, you know," she told her sister.

"But…this is a bit strange, isn't it? Having a wake in a comedy club and having people do sets?"

"Dad didn't really do super-traditional…usually because he didn't always recognize it," the teen smiled a bit. "Besides, he loved this idea when I mentioned it. You know, before - ." A silence fell as the group really didn't know how to respond to that.

As other people began to come in behind the family, Derek nodded to the teen and led his family to a table near the front so that they could be settled for the start of the wake. As they sat, they waved to their friends Emily and Sheldon, who were present with their brood. Before they could see if Sam made it, a familiar woman walked to the stage and picked up the microphone.

"Wow," the older black woman said as she tried to smile. "It's been a while since I've done this. And I've never done this without someone announcing me. So it's a little strange, but hopefully you'll bear with me.

"Thank you all for coming," she continued after a deep breath. "Most of you know me as Titi or Auntie Titi or Momma…or that annoying black woman who still owes us money," there were a few chuckles to that, "and I am…or was, Ralph's wife."

The woman blinked a little at describing her marital status. "And I'm not going to cry during this thing. I'm not. Ralph would have wanted us to laugh and my tears always made him cry too…and tended to scare off his friends. And, as I'm pretty sure both parts of Dasey are in the house, I won't cry because I would like Derek to stay the whole time."

Casey smiled at that. All these years later, even being surrounded and outnumbered by women in the house for over eighteen years, her husband Derek still couldn't handle tears. Yeah, they teased him about it a lot.

"I'm not sure where this idea of having a 'comic wake' came from, initially," Titi continued from her place on the stage. "Probably one of those trying days at the hospital, I joked about it and one of the kids – probably Derek – thought the idea was great. Now, our oldest, Emily Rose, probably had misgivings about the idea but thought I was serious…so she worked on booking a club and D told his father. Ralph, upon hearing this, declared the idea was 'so rock and roll' and smiled and said that of course 'his dude was looking out' for him.

"At that point, I had to do it," Titi smiled at the audience. "From his hospital bed, Ralph was even trying to give me bits to include." As some of the audience chucked, Titi smiled and shook her head. "Seriously. I mean, I have about six pages of Dasey stuff he never got to use.

"And can I just say, Derek and Casey – y'all are here, right?" after a response of "yeah" from Derek, Titi continued, "Good. Well, I just have to say that y'all were definitely epic in ways that blow my mind. Derek, did you really hack into Casey's computer to change a poem she was submitting for the high school newspaper?"

Upon hearing the question, Casey actually recalled the incident…and smacked her husband in the arm almost as a reflex. At his "Ow! Casey!," Titi and the others in the club laughed.

"I'll take that as a yes. Someone really needs to do a Lifetime movie about the two of you," Titi shook her head.

"But, anyway, as my husband is trying to write a set for me from his hospital bed, I stop him and go, 'Stoner Boy?'

"'Yeah, dude?' he rasped at me.

"'Um…this wake would be for you. Everything is not about Derek and Casey,'

"'It's not?" he asked me," the audience laughed at that and Titi smiled. "And he was being completely serious at the time when he asked that!

"I looked at my husband and I said, 'No, it's not. People are going to want to laugh at you that night. We only ever got to do that at your roast,'

"'And for six seasons on Fox,' he said as he smiled at me.

"And I looked at him and go, 'Are you still a walking commercial for that show?'

"And he laughed. 'It was my show and it was sweet!'

"So, I listened to him…and then promptly went away and wrote my own stuff. My kids thought I was crazy, but writing a set about my husband was actually good therapy in a way. I'd be a lot more of a mess without this project. Writing sets and begging comics to take a break from their paying gigs to play a wake definitely kept me occupied in the oncology ward, let me tell you."

Taking another breath, the American comic looked out again at the audience. "So how did this saga all start? Well, I first met Ralph when we did World Comedy Tour together. I was actually a bit of fan, so I was looking forward to meeting him. Gabe had always said such nice things about the 'clueless stoner boy'…and I always had weakness for clueless – my college boyfriend was good example of that, so I was excited about meeting Ralph.

"Now I expected, when I walked by or when we were introduced, that he would tell me I had nice shoes," the audience laughed a little at that. "I mean, his other well worn line of choice, 'My friend Derek has a car,' probably wouldn't work in most social situations by that point in his life."

Even though it had been years since she had done stand up, Titi still seemed to be in tune enough with her audience to pause and let them laugh. After the laughter began to die down, she continued. "I was even prepared for the 'nice shoes' greeting. I had stuff my feet into a pair of cute torture machines created by Franco Sarto and even wore a short skirt to maximize the effect.

"Instead, after our sets, when many of the comics were just sitting around a now mostly empty bar, he shouted, 'Comic dude. Yeah, you in the skirt. Come sit with us and bring your drink with you.'"

"So, as I hobbled over to the table to join Ralph, Paul, Hana, and guitar boy, I thought two things. First, I thought, 'Where is my shoe pick-up line? These shoes hurt like a mo-fo! I want my cheesy line.' Then I thought, 'Am I really answering to dude?! Seriously?'

As more laughter floated through the audience, Titi nodded. "Yep, hindsight is twenty-twenty. If I knew they what I know now, I wouldn't have answered to dude...and I would have worn my Vaneli sandal heels because they didn't kill my feet! There is no point in being cute if the guy you might want to flirt with doesn't notice!"

Smiling at the amused audience, Titi plowed on, "For years I had hang-ups that I never got a vintage 'what was he thinking?' Ralph line. It wasn't until a conversation I had with Casey and Emily as I was in labor with my youngest that I became at peace with it. One of them, I think it was Casey, said that Ralph threw one of those awful lines at everything in a skirt. Emily agreed and, at that point, I expressed my concern about never being given a corny line.

"Emily Schlepper looked at me and said, 'He used awful lines on everyone but you. Shouldn't that, more than anything, signal that you are special?'

"About that time, her husband popped out of nowhere and agreed that his wife was amazingly wise – she had married him, of course – and was undoubtedly right. After we calmed down from being startled by Sheldon's sudden appearance, I asked Sheldon how much of the conversation he'd heard. He shrugged and said, 'None. What were you talking about?'

"'Ralph's failure to use a cheesy line on a woman,' his wife shared.

"'Really? He married that woman, then, right? Because Ralph would only not use a line if the outcome was super important.'

Titi laughed a little herself as she looked off to a table on her right, "So that's why I randomly hugged you while I was in labor with my baby boy, Sheldon. Sorry I freaked you out a bit."

"No worries," Sheldon replied back to the comic.

Titi nodded and continued. "As to when we fell in love, that story is a little more complex. Our middle baby, Callie, asked us about when we knew that we had found 'the One'. Ralph proceeded to say, 'It's a secret. Kinda like how they get the cream into Twinkies. If I tell you, the magic disappears.'"

"I stuck my tongue out at him when he said that, but I figured that I could tell Callie now when I knew I loved her father. And later, sweetie, I'll tell you all about how Twinkies get their filling. They'll probably taste even more magically after you know the process.

"I realized that I had fallen for Ralph during his Roast. I think somewhere between Gabe's and Paul's sets I looked over a Ralph, who was doubled over laughing at something and thought, 'Wow. I'd actually want to see that for the rest of my life. I guess that means I'm in love with the boy.' It became apparent by the end of the night that Ralph was hung-up on me for longer than I was aware of. For years, Ralph called me the second member of 'Oblivious Anonymous' and kept threatening to make membership cards for me and for Casey."

Titi smiled a bit. "I think it shocked everyone that we didn't run off and marry in Vegas. Going uber-traditional for the wedding in the chapel of my alma mater didn't seem very Ralph and Titi, I guess. It was very Mr. and Mrs. Housman, however, so it worked in the end. And there were some hilarious toasts from Derek and Peanut at the reception."

As some of the audience members laughed, Titi sighed. "One of the many strange gifts as part of my life with Ralph. I'm the only person I know who got a toast from a purple puppet at her wedding reception. A purple puppet who liked to try and antagonize her new husband, no less. Comedy Central has been trying to get the rights to air our wedding reception for years!"

"Besides the gift of wedding well wishes from Peanut, there were other benefits to being tied with Ralph. I got a gig on a six season TV show playing a strange version of myself. Regular paychecks and royalties are wonderful things," she shared as the audience laughed.

"I also got three beautiful children: Emily Rose, Calinda Dakota, and Derek Samuel Joseph. I'm thankful for my three, and I emphasize three, children because Ralph always threatened to name our fourth child after some of his musical influences. For a while I lived in fear that I'd have a son named Ringo Flea or a daughter called Yoko Lita. Scary as hell, let me tell you. And Ralph would have been like, 'but that's so rock and roll' and not understood my angst.

"And finally, I got fashion advice for life from a section of Ralph's fanbase."

"Now, my husband is – was the sweetest man on the planet. And he was selectively bright and clueless about angst giving stuff. That's how I explain how he picked up one of his most loyal fanbases. Shortly after we started getting serious, Ralph began to talk about us in his sets. And, in one set in San Fran, he actually said, 'I'm with my dude now and everything is right in the world.'"

At some of the startled laughter in the room, Titi nodded. "Yeah, exactly. So a lot of people took that as an 'out of the closet' statement and thought Ralph's dude was…actually a dude and not a pushy black woman. So, Ralph picked up like a thousand fans and two hundred protestors overnight and had no idea why.

"So, after he's back from his sweep of California – carefully avoiding L.A., mind you – he shares with me his confusion. And I asked, 'Good lord, Stoner Boy! What did you say?' And he told me. And I looked at him and started laughing. And then I asked, 'Are you okay with what happened?'

"He looked at me, shrugged, and said, 'I make people laugh. So now more people are laughing. That's sweet. Even though I don't get it, doesn't matter. I have you, I have the best friends in the world, I have a sold out tour, and a deal for a sitcom. Life can't be much more rock and roll than that.'

"'So you're the Diana Ross of the comedy world?' I asked

"'Diana Ross?' he replied. 'I thought that made me the new Kathy Griffin.'"

Titi smiled. "That was my Ralph. And I know I'm not the only one with funny stories about him. So I've asked a few fellow comics to help us laugh one more again in honor of my husband, Ralph Housman. One of the last instructions Ralph gave me for this was, 'Make sure everyone kills, Titi. Make sure they knock 'em dead. Have them laughing so hard people hear it outside the club. Have Derek doubled over from laughing, Emily and Schlepper in the floor, Casey laughing so hard she forgets herself and Sam with a genuine beam on his face.

"'Oh, and embarrass the heck out of our Emily Rose for me. It will make her feel like her daddy's still watching over her.'

"So, you have your instructions comics. Make us laugh so hard that we can't cry. And everyone else, Ralph wants you to laugh. So screw propriety for the evening. We'll go looking for it tomorrow."

As Titi left the stage and another comic began to walk on stage to replace her, Casey turned to look at her husband. "She didn't cry once," she whispered.

Derek nodded. Blinking a little bit before he spoke, he finally said. "No, she didn't. I think Ralphie would be rather happy about her set all told. His dude clearly loves him, doesn't she?"

"Yes. Yes, she does," Casey agreed.

- the end

Because this is the epilogue, I thought I'd answer two common questions as a way to end this piece.

Will you ever write another Ralph as comic story? Possibly. If I did, more than likely it would take place between Roasting Ralph and this story. I still haven't explored Ralph's sitcom, after all.

Will there be other chapters of this story? At this point, no, which is why I listed it as complete. (But you never know, really. My plot bunnies are weird.)