Title- Tossed Out On Their Asses

Disclaimer- Seriously, people- Do I look like a blonde brit? No? I didn't think so. Also, I am not Mercedes Lackey, however much I wish that was the case. (sigh) Oh well.

Summary-"It was a dark and stormy night, or so the bards do say-" WHOOPS!! Wrong song, wrong fandom. Seriously, though- The seventh years are kicked out on their asses(hence, the title) and they must survive muggle hell. Cool, huh?

Rating- Um, well I'd have to say it's most definitely rated M, given the cursing and the slash, along with all the bits I've allowed you to use your own mind to fill in. Hehe, aren't I nice.

Warnings- Slash, but not for a while. Random pairings including but are not limited to-HPDM, BZSF, HGTN, etc. I was in a weird mood when I wrote this, so… yeah.

Author's Note- Sooo, this little crack bunny jumped out of the pits of hell and grabbed onto my ankle with a vengeance. It refused to leave me alone, so here it is. Yes, this is a chaptered fic, but I finished it before I posted it, so I promise I will post the whole thing, and not stop in the middle. If you want the rest of the lyrics to the spoof-off in the summary, please PM me. I'd be more than happy to send them to you. The only caveat- you must sing praises to Mercedes Lackey for her magnificent ingenuity.

These chapters will all be dedicated to different people

Dedication- And the first one goes to…(duhn duhn duhh)… Windseeker2305!! Seriously, because she just finished a thirty plus chaptered fic. I could learn something from that, you know.

And now, on with the show…

Chapter One

… … …

"What could he possibly want with us this late at night?" Harry groused as the seventh year Gryffindor's made their way down to the Great Hall. It was ten thirty, and all the students had been getting ready for bed when the summons came. Dean and Seamus were in their pajamas, Ron was in an rumpled school uniform, while Harry and Hermione were wearing muggle slouch clothes. Lavender and Parvati had obviously been doing something, because they were wearing ball gowns, and Neville was still in his greasy greenhouse work clothes. They were an… eclectic sight, to say the least.

Hermione answered, shaking her head. "Maybe it has something to do with our N.E.W.T.s scores?" her voice was hopeful, and she blushed when Ron snorted derisively.

"For Merlin's sake, 'Mione, not everything revolves around school. Maybe it's a feast of some sort." No one felt the need to start a fight by pointing out to Ron that if he was forcing Hermione to ignore her passion, then maybe he should ignore his.

Neville spoke up as the group rounded the last corner and headed towards the double doors. "I think we should just let the Headmaster tell us himself, don't you?"

"Grand idea, darling," came the drawlingly sarcastic voice of Pansy Parkinson. "We don't want to hear anymore of your annoying Gryffindor fantasies."

Harry tensed as he turned to face the black haired girl, and his eyebrows shot up when he saw who was with her. Apparently, the Headmaster had summoned all the seventh years, because behind the Slytherin's, the Ravenclaw's were emerging from a staircase and the Hufflepuff's from a hidden passage.

But as he took in their appearances, Harry felt himself trying not to laugh. It looked like the Gryffindor's had gotten the message first, since everyone else was in their night clothes. His eyes roamed over the group, ignoring the heated debate Hermione and Pansy had gotten into, and his eyes locked with Malfoy's. Both of them stared each other down, expressionless. When Malfoy raised his eyebrow, Harry knew it was a silent commentary on his outfit, and it hadn't anything nice to say about his black tee and ripped jeans.

So he took it as permission to look over the blondes outfit, and when he did, Harry had a hard time keeping his reaction off his face. Seriously, no one that evil should look that good in black silk pajama bottoms and a mismatched shirt. Harry turned away suddenly, the reason for the king of fashions little lapse making itself perfectly obvious. Vainly, Harry tuned in on the last of the argument, straining to suppress his reaction to the thought of a bare-chested, sleeping Malfoy.

"-don't you think, Harry?" The question jolted him out of his trance, and he stared at Hermione, willing her to ask the question again. But she didn't, and because he didn't want to let Pansy win the discussion by answering wrong, Harry did the only thing he could think of. He changed to subject.

"Shouldn't we go inside? The doors have been open for a couple minutes already." He didn't know if that was true or not, but it worked. Hermione scowled at him as everyone headed for the door, whatever point she had been trying to make forgotten.

He started a little when Malfoy passed, as a "Nice save" was whispered into his ear. He stared after the other seeker, confused and a little weirded out. He drifted in behind the larger body of students, putting them between the two rivals. Sure, so the war was over, it didn't mean they were best friends now, did it?

His hamster's wheel of thought was interrupted by Dumbledore's voice.

"If I could have your attention, please." The magnified quaver asked. The students settled down, and the Headmaster nodded in satisfaction.

"Thank you. As you know, Harry, with the help of several persons in this very room, defeated Voldemort once and for all a few weeks ago." He paused to allow the thunderous applause, and Harry flushed as everyone turned to look at him and Hermione. After a few more seconds, the Headmaster continued.

"Now, what you might not know is that after his initial rise to power, the staff at Hogwarts terminated a class for fear of retaliation." Out of the corner of his eye, Harry saw Hermione sit up straight. Obviously, this information was not in Hogwarts, A History.

"Because the threat has been alleviated, the current staff has decided to reinstate the class, to sow good will among the younger generations. Tonight, you will be the fist class in over fifty years to commence the Muggle Immersion course." Groans and huffs accompanied this statement, and the Headmaster smiled before continuing.

"What will happen is this- in twenty minutes, at eleven o'clock precisely, you will be taken to the front gates of Hogwarts. They will be shut behind you, and you will have until midnight to ready yourselves for a week of no magic, living in the muggle world." He paused to stare at the assembled students solemnly.

"Here are the rules- One. Past midnight, you will not be allowed to use magic. Anyone caught violating the rule will automatically fail the class. Two. You will be paired with a muggleborn or a half-blood. Purebloods, I suggest you pay attention to their advice. Three. You need to get a job and hold onto it for at least one day. Four. You may not bring anything with you that you do not have on your person. Five. Your wands will be confiscated."

Harry watched everyone's faces as the Headmaster continued stating rules. The Slytherin's looked shocked and disgusted, and Harry smirked a little at their predicament. As the one house almost purely consisting of purebloods, they had no idea what was going to happen. Everyone else looked like they could stand the class, even if it was completely magic-less.

He snorted, catching Hermione's attention. They both shared smiles, smug at the thought of being out in a world where they were the one's who knew everything, and not on the receiving end of the snob treatment. He had a sudden thought, and with an unobtrusive flick of his wrist, summoned both his and Hermione's passports. He handed it to her, and she gave him a grateful, if wry, smile. Technically, he had only violated the spirit of the rules, not the letter of them. He gave himself a congratulatory mental pat on the back.

"Now, we shall sort all of you into two person partnerships."

Harry groaned, and he wasn't the only one. Whenever the faculty brought out the Sorting Hat, it inevitably put you with the one person you couldn't stand. Mentally, Harry began prepping himself for a week with some asshole. He noticed vaguely that the slips of paper coming out of the hat always had the names of people the same sex on it, and he was a little relieved. It would have sucked to be stuck with any girl for an extended amount of time. Unless they were Hermione, but the rules forbade that.

"-Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood-" Harry bit his lips to hide a smile at Hermione's scowl. The Sorting Hat strikes again! he thought with a mental laugh.

"-Seamus Finnegan, Blaise Zabini-" Now there was a match made in hell. Those two were worse than cats and dogs.

He was almost too busy laughing at everyone else's partners to notice when his name was called.

"-Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy-" But he heard it, and closed his eyes in resignation. Who else? It was always Malfoy, wasn't it. From the soft cursing coming from his right, the blond wasn't too happy with the arrangement, either.

Finally, the sorting was done, and everyone was bemoaning being a seventh year. Some people were even sending Harry the evil eye, which he thought was beyond idiotic. These assholes would rather have more Voldemort than a class! And it was an easy pass, too.

Dumbledore cleared his throat, and every head in the room turned to him. "It is now five minutes to eleven. Please hold out your wands." Everyone did so with grumbles, and a summoning charm from the Headmaster gathered them into a neat bundle at his feet.

"You will get them back at the end of the week. See you all in seven days!"

If anyone else had said that to the students, and in such a happy tone of voice, it would have resulted in an angry mob. As it was, the students turned without a word and met up with their partners on the walk to the gate.

Harry bid Hermione farewell as the blond menace stalked over to him. Without a word, Harry fell in step with Malfoy and they walked stiffly to the front gates. They were the last one's out before the gates closed with an ominous bang! behind them.