The Life and Times of the Kazekage's Assistant

Disclaimer:I don't own Naruto. This story is inspired by a novel by Lauren Weisberger. I do, however, own Imamura Tsubasa, Tenchi Hoshiro, Suzuki Sorachi, Sendo Kanoka, and Kawasaki Tazuna, any other Ocs and the plot.

Author's Note:This is my newest fan fiction. I really hope that you take pleasure in reading it as much as I have writing it.

Chapter One: Have A Beautiful, Sunny Suna Day

The sun hadn't even completely risen to shine over the heart of Suna before an army of overconfident vendors filtered in and roared past me, setting me at the center of the tiny deathtrap as I attempted to navigate myself around them all. I felt myself sigh as more and more came by the droves. Tiger, ox, ram, dog (Or was it dog before ram?) monkey, ram, I repeated over and over in my head, the mantra offering little comfort to my hands who were doing all the work to make the seals. My heart flip-flopped in my chest. A sand clone appeared at my side and lifted me onto its shoulders. I frowned as I looked down. The sand clone was a mirror image of me just made out of sand whereas I was made out of water and body fat. The sand clone had her hair out of place like mine, wore the same crappy outfit I was wearing that day, and looked, surprisingly, more stressed than I was (If that was possible). The sand clone ran straight from the center of the deathtrap to the other end of it. On the way to freedom, chunks of sand had fallen from my clone as it got pelted by carpets, fruits, and whatever else the vendors had in there carts. I sighed once I was finally out of there. I waved goodbye to my sand clone before it disappeared into a puff of smoke, a bad habit of mine. Something was bothering me as I watched my sand clone disappear. I looked to my own hair and found that I had gum in there as well. Another sacrifice to my complete and utter lack of grace under pressure: this clocked in as my fifth child's gum in hair incident that week.

I almost cried as I hacked off that layer of hair with my kunai. I flung the chunk of my own gum ridden tendrils to the floor. I'd have to fix my hair now so it didn't look lopsided. It wasn't that the Kazekage would mind what the hell I looked like but to put it in simple words; his sister Temari was a prude bitch.

"Move out the way you dumb bitch," hollered a swarthy carpetbagger whose facial hair threatened to overtake his entire face and possibly swallow it whole (If only). "Move it or lose it!"

I could feel myself raising my hand to give him the finger but put it back down once I remembered that he could easily point out to Temari that I was the rebellious and unruly assistant to the Kazekage that had so kindly flipped him a bird. It had crossed my mind that perhaps it would be worth getting the man angry if I only had to face a scold or two by the masculine blonde but Temari wasn't so generous lately. She'd have revoked my salary for a week or come up with some unthought-of method of torture to do exactly so; torture me. "Have a beautiful, sunny Suna day," I said through gritted teeth and then muttered, "I hope you choke on the rays of sunshine." Fortunately for me he hadn't heard the last part and kept going about his meaningless life of carpet bagging. May he rot in the hottest depths of hell.

Speaking of meaningless lives, I diverted my thoughts to my own meaningless life. Here I was the highly esteemed Kazekage's assistant. I wrote nearly all of his speeches (except when he decided on improv, which never turned out well for lack of emotions to express to the people), attended his meetings with him, argued with the piously self-righteous council members for him (those bastards… and how I wanted to be one of them), arranged marriages in Suna (all of a sudden I became a wedding planner), ended Suna's hunger problems, solved the Wind Country's lack of crops single handedly, and helped Suna's relations with the Hidden Leaf Village. I was a regular miracle worker! Hell, I deserved to be Kazekage at the rate I was going and yet there I was running silly errands for his older sister Temari.

"Kuso," I cried out as I heard the loud bleat of my high-tech walkie-talkie. It was the newest edition that year and came with caller ID, an address book, and a highly annoying voice from the other end of the receiver. The caller ID had indefinitely confirmed my worst fear: it was her. Temari. The nagging sister of my boss. She might as well as be my second boss; she controlled my life in the workplace. I reluctantly answered the call.

"Tsubasa! Tsubasa! Can you hear me, Tsubasa?" Her voice was shrill and rough the moment I hit the 'receive signal' button—no modest accomplishment considering both of my hands were already catering to her other various needs and obligations she had set me out to retrieve for her. I propped the walkie-talkie in between my shoulder and ear as I prepared my tongue to spit out the old piece of gum I was chewing. I hadn't had time to replace it and I almost laughed to myself thinking I could have replaced it with the lovely piece of gum that had wedged itself in my newly cut hair. I sent that sucker flying with force from my mouth, it hitting some bratty pre-teen in the eye. He wasn't exactly sure what happened until he gazed at the floor to find what had hit his eye; my expired and old piece of cotton candy flavored bubble gum. He gave me a dirty look, assuming I had been the culprit.

I smiled sheepishly, that is until he began to shout exceedingly clichéd insults to me, in which I responded to with another one of the sayings Temari forced me to say, "May Suna's beautiful day wash away your pain, little boy." I also threw in a, "And give you a fresh agonizing dose of it," but he didn't hear that part. He sauntered away, flipping me off until he disappeared into the deathtrap I had narrowly escaped out of. Maybe he did hear the last part after all. Well, he could rot in hell with the carpetbagger.

"IMAAAMUUURAAA TSUBAAASAAAA!"

"Yes, Temari-sama. Moshi, moshi. I can hear you crystal clear."

"Tsubasa, where are my disinfecting wipes, body lotion, designer perfume, new heels, Kimmora Kimono, kunai holder, shuriken, and smoke bombs? You did remember the smoke bombs right?"

I flagged down a taxi cart and hopped in, grateful that when it had halted that it hadn't hit anyone or anything. I placed the walkie away from my mouth temporarily and said, "To Sand Castle please." I propped the phone back in between my shoulder and ear and began to speak to Temari again, "I'm in the taxi cart right now, Temari-sama, and I should be at Sand Castle in a few." She was most likely concerned that I arrive shortly to bring her the items she had demanded, I mean asked for, in more than perfect condition—If that was possible.

"Whatever," she stated roughly, cutting me off rudely as usual, "I need you to find Chinatsu-chan and bring her to Sand Castle. Make haste!" I waited for more information but the last thing I heard was a click. I stared at the walkie in disbelief until I realized she wasn't going to call back and inform me who this Chinatsu-chan was or where she was. Why on earth would she need Chinatsu to go to Sand Castle was another good question that came to mind. An even better one was the fact that Temari, being of Kazekage descent, had a housekeeper, several maids, and her own personal assistant—so why was I the one being led on these wild goose chases?

"Excuse me," I said to the taxi cart puller, "Do you know a Chinatsu-chan?"

"No," he grunted as he turned the corner sharply, nearly decapitating the cap of Temari's lotion bottle. That would have meant another trip to Harem's Secret, the risqué boutique that sold sensual lotion (among other sensual products) only a highly confident woman would purchase. That highly confident woman would be Temari.

I could feel my anger rising. I couldn't take much more of this. I was dealing with incompetent people here and Temari had the audacity to call me incompetent. I do everything for that pretentious bitch and her stupid brothers… though her brothers really weren't that stupid. Kankuro was kind enough and had offered me help when he could. Gaara… he was another story all on his own and surprisingly I respected him. Perhaps it was his teal eyes… they tended to make a girl feel… Well, like I said, that's another story. I can talk about his sexy, I mean his highness self later. At the moment, I had a Chinatsu-chan problem to deal with.

I snatched the walkie-talkie from my belt and dialed into Temari's personal assistant's number. I had half the nerve to screech at her to be more attentive to Temari so that I could be attentive to my own boss, the Kazekage. Knowing Temari's assistant Matsuri, she was sitting in my desk and gazing longingly at the Kazekage, my boss, imagining what it would be like to play footsies with him as her boss called me to order me around and run impractical errands around Suna. The lazy girl answered on the last ring.

"Moshi, moshi," I said to her through the walkie.

"Hey, what's up? Are you in someplace crowded because I can barely hear you?"

Maybe because I am in someplace crowded running your errands for your boss while you're imagining having sex with our Kazekage, my boss; that's what I wanted to say to her. Instead I chose nicer words. "Yeah, I'm in Suna's core right now… Temari asked me to pick up a few things for her and now she wants me to pick up a girl named Chinatsu-chan… any idea who and where she is?"

Something I said must have been terribly funny because next thing out of the walkie-talkie was Matsuri giggling for what seemed like a whole ten minutes before replying to me, "Chinatsu-chan is Temari-sama's new kitten. She's at the vet getting her shots. I was supposed to pick her up but I got tied down over here at the office. Temari-sama reassured me you would handle it."

I was ready to reach my hands through the walkie-talkie and strangle that little bitch. Tied down? Tied down by what? Tied down by your sick sexual fantasies of you and the Kazekage! Sick, disgusting, indecent, insufferable child! "Which animal hospital," I asked; trying to put on the sweetest voice I could through to the other end of the receiver.

"The one in the Desert Palm Shopping Center… Sorry, Tsubie-san, I have to get some work done now, but call if there's anything else I can do, okay?" I almost regurgitated, feeling disgusted that she had called me by my nickname… And work to do? Hah! Matsuri you are totally staring at the Kazekage's butt because he just got up to grab more paperwork from the cabinets and place it on the already-collecting pile on my desk. That's right. I said it. Well not really… I thought it.

I made a crazy maneuver from the backseat of the cart and tapped the driver on the head. He turned around, but not before narrowly missing a small child attempting to retrieve his toy from the street. "I need you to take me to the vet in the Desert Palm." He nodded curtly and scrunched up his face in a scowl. I wanted to strangle the man for getting snippy with me. It was on the way to Sand Castle so it wasn't like he had to make a u-turn or anything.

The Desert Palm was completely packed of people that resembled cattle and other animals that migrated in herds or flocks. To save myself from getting trampled I asked the cart puller to halt where he was and then grabbed my walkie-talkie to phone the vet and demand that they bring that little beast Chinatsu-chan to me. The girl that had come out with the little devil in her hand nearly threw the kitten at me. The stupid feline flew at me, clutched onto my stomach, and dug its sharp claws into my abdomen. The employee had informed me that the cat didn't take well to the shots and was now 'experiencing mild discomfort and slight trauma.' Grin and bear it, I had thought to myself as I climbed back into the cart with the cat still attached to my belly. If that cat's claws went any further in me I swear they would have found my breakfast that morning. "Sand Castle now," I told the man pulling me across the village. He gave me a terse nod and we were on our way.

Vacation, relaxation, sick-leave, holidays, freedom, retreat, escape, I chanted my soothing words over and over again in my head. It was funny how my soothing words revolved around me being away from work for whatever reason. My concentration was broken however when the cat, still clutching my stomach, alternated between crying, mewing, and then hissing at me. By the time I reached Sand Castle the damn cat was in hysterics and had nearly ripped up my poor tummy to shreds. I blew at my hair; bangs had begun to fall into my eyes. So this was what my years at the ninja academy and summer internships for offices, agencies, headquarters, organizations, and bureaus were for: a once in a lifetime chance to bring some comfort to a small demonic kitten bent on destroying my lower intestines while trying not to drop someone's really, really expensive 'necessities' out of a high-speed moving cart being pulled by a man who could careless. Sweet life had given me what I always dreamed of!

I paid the greedy bastard of a cart puller and headed for the gates of Sand Castle. A guard shinobi had let me in without any questions; he knew the drill. I could feel my arms shaking as I carried the heavy bags of Temari's crap and attempted to keep the kitten latched on to my stomach. Kankuro was standing at Sand Castle's entrance, holding open the door for me. He looked at me sympathetically and then made a comment in an effort to be supportive. For some reason, I didn't feel much like chatting with the boy whose older sister was the devil in human form.

Safe, I thought as I strode down the long corridors to the Kazekage's office. My stride was surprisingly confident (after I stopped to fix my hair and adjust my outfit) as I strolled into the assistant's suite outside the Kazekage's office and quietly shoved Matsuri out of my seat. She scowled at me as she finally sat at her own desk; the desk that was shoved up against the corner of the assistant's suite at such an angle that she couldn't see the Kazekage's 'Oh so gorgeous bod' from. Oh, how I looked forward to my next two hours of paperwork before Temari returned from lunch.

"Imamura," called my real boss, the Kazekage, from his office. I looked forward to what he had to say; he was stoic at times but I'd take his personality over Temari's any day.

My heart sank. Temari was in the room with him. Grin and bear it, I reminded myself as I made a fake smile. "Where are my things and the kitten?" Now she referred to Chinatsu-chan as a kitten. That would have been a bigger help earlier.

"I left your things with Matsuri to rearrange in your room in an order of your liking and left your kitten with the housekeeper," I said, almost proud that I hadn't killed that damn demon cat from hell, or myself for that matter.

"And why would you do that?" she snarled, her brother saying nothing. He wasn't even paying attention. He had his cute nose buried too deeply in his paperwork. "I specifically asked you to bring my necessities to me here… I am dining at Bento for lunch and would like to have my perfume emanating off of me as I strut in my Kimmora Kimono through the door. Is that too much trouble?"

"No but I—"

"I don't want to hear the details of your incompetence or your uninteresting life. Hunt down the housekeeper and place my kitten in my room with fresh food and water. Make sure to set up the liter box and then go get my disinfecting wipes, body lotion, my perfume, my heels, and my Kimmora Kimono. Make haste because I want to be leaving within five minutes. Got it?"

This bitch was crazy. Five minutes to do all that? Was she out of her skull insane or hallucinating, perhaps? It would take a good three minutes to hunt down the housekeeper, another minute to find the kitten and drag its sorry ass to its room, two minutes to get it fresh food and water, three more minutes to set up the liter box, and five more minutes to bring her the ridiculous objects she mentioned.

"Five minutes, got it. Of course, Temari-sama."

I began to wonder if my heart would just give out and give up on me at the ripe age of sixteen. I was so relieved when my actual boss intervened. "Temari," he said without looking up from his paperwork, "Make your assistant do all those things… I need Imamura to file the large pile of paperwork that has been collecting on her desk while she was forced to run your assistant's errands." I guess he had been paying attention to what was going on and was just waiting for the opportune moment to say something.

"Hai," she said, offering me a dirty look as she stalked off to demand her lethargic assistant to get up off of her ass and do the chores she had requested me to do.

"Arigato," I murmured to Gaara, the handsome Kazekage and my boss. He looked up from his paperwork for a moment and nodded.

I grinned as I sat in the seat of my desk, taking the pen in my hand. Maybe if I was lucky, Temari would die, deciding to maintain my usually positive and upbeat attitude. Perhaps she would just choke on some of the food she was eating and keel over. I almost relished the very thought before my mind brought up something else very important. No, Tsubie, I thought, you don't want her to choke on a piece of sushi… she wouldn't suffer enough. You'd lose all hope of strangling her yourself and Tsubie, that would be a damn shame.

Author's Note: That was the end of that. Please review because I'd love your feedback, and Tsubasa-san could use a pick-me-up. If you have any questions, please send me a Private Message, and I'll do my best to get back to you.